MarriedSingle,
You have to understand that it is tough to undo years of dysfunctional upbringing. It takes time to make changes in one's lifestyle.
You asked if girls mature in marriage. You can't generalize all girls for being immature just because you have had a negative experience with one girl. Some girls are more mature than others. And people in general are not mature all the time.....I've noticed that we all can be mature and immature regarding various situations.
You told this girl that a lot of things in Pakistani culture are what Islam wants a wife to do. And your wife on the other hand feels that Pakistani culture can be oppressive towards women. YOU BOTH ARE RIGHT. Some things **in Pakistan culture are in accordance with Islamic teachings.......but there are **MANY ISSUES **in Pakistani culture that are **OPPRESSIVE toward women and are NOT **according to Islamic teachings. As I said YOU BOTH ARE RIGHT** regarding this issue. Look at the issues that are plaguing Pakistani society and you will find that many of them don't have any place in Islam. For example.....honor killings (where a daughter is killed by the men in her family for refusing a proposal or liking a guy). For example, the birth of son is thought as being more superior to the birth of a daughter. ** For example*, if a woman gets divorced she is considered shameful by society even if her husband is the guilty one. **For example, a son may be allowed to have a girl friend but if a girl likes a guy, her reputation is easily damaged. **For example, some parents refusing to allow their daughters to get higher education because they believe her only role is to be a housewife. **For example, some girls with a Master's Degree and job are rejected for rishtas because people think they are being too modern. **For example, how some innocent women who are raped in Pakistan have a hard time getting married because they are no longer virgin and have lost their reputation when it was not their fault to begin with. **For example*, many women are suffering domestic abuse at the hands of their in-laws.
MarriedSingle, at the same time yes you are right that our Pakistani culture also advocates Islamic values such as modesty, purdah, haya, and respect toward elders. But your wife is also right. Many of the injustices that are taking place in Pakistan are because our culture has some double standards about the treatment of men and women that have no place in religion.
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Suggestions:** If you try to tell your wife that she is completely wrong in her views, you are not helping the situation. You need to understand that there are many angles in an argument and that her points can also be correct. When you have an argument with someone, you have to learn to compromise and see things from the other person's point of view. And if the other person has valid points, then you need to acknowledge them. A successful argument is one in which both people can listen to each others ideas. An unsuccessful argument is more likely to take place when one believes himself to be 100% right all the time and starts imposing their beliefs on others. And you won't accomplish anything in this manner. If you try seeing some issues from your wife's point of view and give her credit for being right about some things, she'll be more willing to listen.
*1) * Keep in mind that you can't force someone to change their beliefs. You can guide with kindness and hope that the person will embrace Islam from their heart and not out of fear from another person.
2) You have to have open communication with your wife. Ask her why she wants you separated from your parents. Ask her what she's afraid of regarding your parents. And ask her how SHE would feel if she someone told *HER * to break ties with her parents? And listen calmly to what she says and encourage her to think about what she is asking you to do.
3) Invite her to spend some time with YOUR PARENTS. If your parents show her kindness and warmth, maybe she will not be so afraid anymore and will realize that your parents are not a threat to her. ** *****Ask your family to take some steps in bonding with her....maybe that will soften her up toward your parents.*
4) *Focus on one step at a time. You can't expect someone to be a good muslim immediately after nikkah or in one day. Maybe for a period, you might want to focus on encouraging her gently to pray. The most important thing in Islam for a Muslim is to belive in the kalima and to fulfill the 5 pillars (namaz, fasting, zakat, etc). Does your wife at least pray namaz? Does she at least fast during Ramzan? Does she at least belive in Allah and His Messenger? If she is at least doing some of the basic requirements?............If she is doing some basics, then she is not a horrible Muslim. And with gentleness she might improve in these areas.
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5) ** We all have our **different beliefs about Oppression and society and culture. We can have our different opinions about issues and still have imaan in our religion. You can't change your wife's ENTIRE **way of thinking. Keep in mind that **husband and wife are unique individuals.....and they can have different opinions on issues such as culture, societal issues, and current events. Just because two people are married doesn't mean that they have to think exactly the same about everything.
6) When you see your wife doing something positive, praise and compliment her. This will encourage her to try her best for improvements. Constant lecturing will only make her turn away from you.
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7) ** Sorry for the long post, but you had many issues in your post that I wanted to cover. Think about the above points I've made. And in the end, if you feel that your wife's personality is too incompatible for you.......then perhaps you should consider legal separation. But before you make a drastic decision such as divorce, try to save your marriage by acknowledging your wife's valid points in arguments, encouraging bonding between your parents and her, and showing her some flexibility instead of expecting her to to do a quick 360 degree change.