DIL not wanting to live with MIL

Lifestyle Relationships
41

Re: DIL not wanting to live with MIL

Khawateen, each question of yours is answered here.

They have been married 1.5 yrs now. No kids. None planned til DIL is settled in career.

YES all the kids are expected to contribute equally, which is why, when the MIL got diagnosed, the daughter who is married and lives in a separate state entirely, took care of her. the daughter and son-in-law did ALL the treatment with her. This was over the first 7 months after diagnosis. The MIL's husband was also with daughter at the time so basically for the first 7 months the DIL and eldest son were living alone and just visited every once in a while to show support. This was basically because the daughter and son-in-law both work in the cancer/medical field. so, alotta connections were easily used to get better/faster treatment.

However, you are right, in this circumstance minimal support is expected from the baby brother because the MIL really does baby him alot. However, he does spend alot of time with mom, goes to appointments, etc. The thing is, the MIL is traditional, and so she DOES expect more from the eldest son. Maybe she is wrong in this, but we all have our faults.

AFTER all the treatments, the MIL moved back into her home because frankly, she was bored as heck at daughter's house as daughter works and she had no friends in the other state. however, the treatment for end stage cancer never stops really. When she moved back, the doc wanted to do more radiation etc just to be safe and thus the doc visits continued and that when the DIL started showing major attitude, started fighting loudly with husband so MIL could hear them, started having fits in front of MIL and FIL. (MIL has been back home for about 5 months)

The way that I can tell the DIL doesn't feel any compassion or sadness:

  1. she went to her mom, complained about MIL to her mom and how son doesn't give her any time. Now, DIL's mom called MIL and is telling her to request the son to move out.

  2. Then, a day after MIL's appointment with doc, where she found the cancer may have come back already, the DIL had a scream-fest (infront of MIL saying how MIL makes too big of a deal out of these appointments. DIL stated that she also had a dr's appt due to cold and flu, where she had to get a chest x-ray. but unlike MIL, she didn't even tell anyone so she had to go alone. essentially the DIL was telling MIL that maybe she should just keep her appointments to herself and deal with it without involving the son. The DIL also complained that the son plays too many videogames and doesnt take her out to dinner twice a week as he had promised earlier. umm, why is this the MIL's fault?

42

Re: DIL not wanting to live with MIL

this "DIL" in question needs a lesson in humanity, I am sure khuda na khwaasta if this was her mother it would be a different scenario altogether, If what PKG mentioned in POST # 28 is right then I salute the guy who is trying and balancing both relationships because one of the worst things us men do is after marriage are unable to find a balance between the 2 relationships (mother and wife), he is taking responsibility for his mother and spending time and at the same time giving his wife time, if the DIL still thinks she needs more time she needs a reality check, I am just infuriated at the thought what if I am in this position and my wife does this and what I would do.

43

Re: DIL not wanting to live with MIL

Can i say that most drs eventually lose out on the empathy bit early on in their careers?

Bah… Its jsut sad… Both husband and wife are IN the cancer research field and this is how they choose to use that knowledge…

Sucks… Purely sucks

Im sorry man… Some ppl are just bad qismat. Nothing can sort em out… And the mother of the dil takes the cake… My mom woulda thrown a long distance bailan at me :hinna:

44

Re: DIL not wanting to live with MIL

Hey another angle to it all... What if the couple have issues and now that the dil sees the husband giving his mom time and attention that he doesnt give her...she is indirectly taking her anger out on mil tbat should be directed towards the husband?

Hey what?! The kids are sleeping, mr tall is watching soccer and im left bored!

45

Re: DIL not wanting to live with MIL

yaar saasoN maaN marnay say pahlay aapnay bachay ko hansta basta nahi dekhna chahtee?? kya zabardasti kissi ko aapnay saath rakhna jab diloN main nafrat paida hona shorru ho jaye? .......
.... pkgrl.. u seems to know everything in detail.... is this MIL happens to be your Khala??? ....

46

Re: DIL not wanting to live with MIL

WUH?

No.

This alone makes me think she's an extremely narcissistic sociopath.

What a pig.

47

Re: DIL not wanting to live with MIL

I think there are two sides to every story and I don't believe this one.

Witnessing cancer usually changes people in the strangest ways ! I mean I've even seen the most stubbornest enemies reunite after decades due to cancer!

There's more to this story...call up the DIL so we can hear her side!

48

Re: DIL not wanting to live with MIL

the husband needs to grow some sense and move the wife to another apartment and take care of his mom alone ! aisi wife uski dunya aur aakhirat, dono ka satya naas hee karay gi :halo:

49

Re: DIL not wanting to live with MIL

^ I actually agree with proto best is to le the DIL move into another apartment because she is bringing nothing good infact creating a lot of tension, where as patient needs some rest n mental peace n son can regularly visit n serve his mom.

as everyone said the girl is very insensitive,i know when my dadi passed away last year, she knew tht now time is not at her end n she said I will die peacefully because my all children and she just wished tht when is dying they are close to her n I remember when she was dying my fatherwas holdingher feet my taya who was holding her hands n phupo sitting next to her reciting surat yaseen n mum making her read kalma, n my dadi was smiling.

jeenay nhi detay atleast marnay tu sakoon se do.

50

Re: DIL not wanting to live with MIL

you think once in a house of her own the DIL will let the son do the duty of taking care of the mom in need. She will then be … oh I am so alone in the house, dont go there, stay here ect… This woman is not compromising is selfish. ukh

51

Re: DIL not wanting to live with MIL

phone off, bells off, and taa daa :D let her whine alone !

52

Re: DIL not wanting to live with MIL

It is just sad that such people like the DIL exist. I know that taking care of a an ill person is trying, but this is just plain bad. Hope good sense prevails.

53

Re: DIL not wanting to live with MIL

Agree..

I'm wondering if it is more than just MIL 'asking' DIL to wear shalwar khameez (which in itself is obviously not much of an issue if she is asked rather than told/ordered .. I've seen situations where the dress thing comes up and nearly always the MIL is making other comments about behaviour etc.. THAT is when the atmosphere becomes horrible and the DIL usually starts to show attitude).. Why can't the husband just say to the wife wear what you feel comfortable in and he will explain to his mum nicely?

I defo do think there is more to this..

(I don't think son should move out either tho if mum is so ill.. There should be an honest discussion in the family about what's going on.. and not blind support and then in turn a load of bitternessss.. Maybe wife should move out temporarily if things aren't resolved)

54

Re: DIL not wanting to live with MIL

In a world where a son can kill his parents and siblings for jaidaat,
and where children beat their old parents,
and where parents kill their children to revenge their ex,
and where a son/daughter kills his/her parents because he/she is not allowed to marry his choice,
where a daughter hires men to slaughter her family so that she and her husband can keep their money,
in a world where a son beats his mother because his wife tells him to do,
and where a grandmother sexually abuses her grandchildren...

should I go on? In such a world where the viliest and nastiest crimes happen; Why does this case seem to be unbelievable to some people? This is nothing compared to things that you hear about almost every day.

Yes there can be more to the story. But some people are acting as if such people don't exist and there has to be something that leads them to be like that.
Yeah the craziness in their narrow minds leads them to such behavior..

55

Re: DIL not wanting to live with MIL

You are right, there IS probably more to this story, but unfortunately I can't talk directly to DIL about this and therefore don't have her "side" of the story.

However, the dressing issue is simply cuz the DIL is a bit on the heavier side, and when she initially wore tight yoga pants at home all the time MIL thought it looked a bit inappropriate. Then MIL told this issue to the son, and asked the DIL to wear shalwar kameez "jab koi ghar visit karne aye" meaning only when guests come etc. The DIL doesn't actually follow this thing and still wears skinny jeans, tights, etc even though her weight is still a bit on the upper side. I do agree though that this demand of MIL is too much because girl should be able to wear whatever she wants in her own home as long as she is comfy. So yes, the MIL is more demanding in this sense. However, MIL is also the same way with both sons, always telling them to dress more "appropriate" never wear shorts etc and the sons just laugh it off and wear what they like anyways. I guess as a desi society we judge that to be OK if the sons are ignoring their mom's request for appropriate dressing but not DIL.

As far as i know, yes the MIL is more traditional, but is equally critical of these things with everyone in her life whether its her own kids or DIL, she hasn't done anything to specifically target the DIL.

The thing that really has always irked MIL is that DIL, on the first day after marriage, told everyone that she has never, and will never wash the dishes as she doesn't want her hands to become damaged or dry. So, since that day either MIL or the son wash the dishes only. Although MIL has no prob doing it herself, MIL (like a typical desi) doesn't like her sons doing housework and always gets upset if she sees HIM wash the dishes while DIL stands next to him talking and laughing.

And THIS is something where the MIL did criticize the DIL and said its not appropriate for men to do house work while u do nothing etc. After a few months and a few "convos" over this, DIL did some soul-searching, and started washing the dishes in the dishwasher occasionally (weekends only, if she didnt have to study). Now the DIL always makes this a big thing that she has changed herself soo much for the family and even started helping out with the housework etc. and she should be appreciated for it.

The DIL once also made an issue when son was eating MIL's food and complimented it many many times in one sitting. The DIL made the same dish over the weekend and son didn't compliment it but just once. DIL then told son to no longer compliment MIL's cooking so much as it makes her feel bad. This has been admitted by DIL in a convo with me.

56

Re: DIL not wanting to live with MIL

does this DIL know about gloves for dish washing?
what kind of guy allows his dying mother to be disrespected this way?

57

Re: DIL not wanting to live with MIL

OP, how do you know so many intimidate details about the routines of this family and who said what? What is your relation to them and why can you not ask the DIL about her side of the story directly? :hmmm:

58

Re: DIL not wanting to live with MIL

MIL is my aunt, meaning her kids are my cousins and we are pretty close. We talk about everything...MIL tells my mom everything who then tells me everything. The DIL is from out-of-family so I don't really have a great buddy-buddy relationship with her. Very formal.

59

Re: DIL not wanting to live with MIL

i dont think MIl is demanding in any sense. my mother would have chiroled me if i was wearing yoga pants without a long shirt at home, let alone infront of the guest. And my mother is very moderate person. this dil and her mother have certainly no humanity in them. very sad!

60

Re: DIL not wanting to live with MIL

Ohhh...I see!