Dad & Khala

Lifestyle Relationships
61

Re: Dad & Khala

Lordy Lord!

62

Re: Dad & Khala

Sorry but you really sound selfish.
Yes, maybe he is taking this step so YOU dont have to cook and iron.
The way you are portraying your father here shows if he is doing some biggest sin. Come on, he is a man.. he could have have relationship with anyone outside without bringing into your knowledge and would 'enjoy' being single again if he wwre really 'that' kind of man.. but he cared for you kids and obviously for himself too..which in my opinion is not wrong. So please come out of self pity that its only you lost your mother....but he has lost his partner tooo.... I can understand your pain and may Allah give you sabar but be wise and act maturely and live this life happily.
When you dont care about him, how do you expect from him to care about you.

63

Re: Dad & Khala

We are reading here only one side of the story. The way the op has shared all this simply delivers that she has been really harsh over him too. I can understand loosing your mother is of course one of the biggest pains too but 24 of age is a mature age... I would totally understand if the kids were around 6-14 of age bevause then they dont have maturity and they can over react or shout or yell orrr dont accept this 'new mother' thing... but a 24 year old girl should feel and understand the loss of her father too. The daughter can love her father, care for him too but can't be a substitute of a companion her father needs. If her mother was 47 then I assume that her father is also not too old and he has his life ahead to spend.

64

Re: Dad & Khala

Is the time frame not insane for anyone?

If anyone I know came out with a ring and a new fiance two months after a breakup I would hit them over the head. This is an even more precarious situation where two people were pulled apart by fate and not by an understanding.

If pastriess1989 herself wanted to get married in this time frame and in this situation I would still tell her to pause and wait. After more time has passed a person who seems like a life saver during grief might actually turn out to be completely incompatible. Her father is behaving out of character (classic sign of depression). What if when he's back to normal he realizes what a terrible, impulsive mistake he's made.

We don't live in a bollywood movie where love conquers all and after the credits roll everything is all right. It's just crazy talk to make huge decisions in a state of grief.

65

Re: Dad & Khala

I understand everyone's points. However I am not being selfish or immature.

When my dad initially asked us, he stated it was for our benefit. We objected. He should have dropped it. He handled the situation very poorly. Openly saying he wanted to replace my Mother infront of us. He's 52 years old. My mother had no health issues nothing, and suddenly had her stroke and that's it. Gone. Who's to say my Dad's gonna be around for long? And before anyone states I'm wishing him unwell, I'm not.

I've not been harsh to my Dad. At all. I've spoken to him with the same respect after he mentioned it initially. However my Dad was and is very harsh with me. He's been saying to my khala I don't cook or clean. Which absolutely false. She then told my uncle. You think my Dads childish behaviour like this is gonna make me agree? No.

Openly saying I'm looking for excuses to run away, I don't act like I've lost a mum, that I still wear makeup, still go shopping etc even though my mother has passed away, what about that? That's me being selfish and immature right?

To the poster who said what if dad objected to my choice of man, the scenarios are different so I won't even get into it.

Yeah he wants to get married to my khala but maybe if he hadn't jeopardised his relationship with me in the process, I wouldn't be posting here. No parent should behave the way he has. It's embarrassing. He says one thing to us, another to my uncles. Another to my khala.

I've also never stated I'm the only one who's suffered the loss. However if I did, why would it matter? I was the only one with my mum when she had her stroke, up until life support was turned off. I was the first to know she wasn't gonna survive, yet I've not used any of them reasons for anything. But my dads depressed all of a sudden.

I'm open to all opinions and perspectives, but I can assure some of you, you wouldn't say some of the things you do, if you were in the situation.

66

Re: Dad & Khala

Sex drive can be the most powerful factor that effects a man's behavior . He won't say it , won't show it , but its there . Being a daughter there is no way you can understand it . Though any irrational behavior from his side just to make it happen is natural .

Best advise would be to let him have it . He'll be all over his new wife for sometime , and then it will get normal .

Thats the way we men are , hard to follow just our real brain :)

67

Re: Dad & Khala

^ I'm a dude and if my dad did this, i'd be pretty pissed too. Yes, men have strong sexual desires but this is a bit too insensitive of him.

And how about the khala? She has just lost a sister and wants to take her place as soon as possible? Is it really possible to fall for a guy so bad in just three months after your sister who happens to be his wife passed away?

If it had been another woman, NOT the khala, it might have been a bit easier to digest.

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Re: Dad & Khala

women don't?

69

Re: Dad & Khala

^ they follow emotions

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Re: Dad & Khala

The only positive thing about your dad marrying your Khala is that no other woman could care for you kids like she would.

However there are so many negatives:
- talking at all hours of the day n night
- lying to your uncles
- the small amount of time it has been, have some respect for the woman u had been married to for so long.

If I were u I would have handled the situation the same way u have so far, but what to do next, I'm not sure. I think maybe u should stay quiet n let ur other siblings deal with it, u r being seen as the bad one as u r speaking out. I know it will b hard to stay quiet, but do subur. Inshallah all will b fine.

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Re: Dad & Khala

You think?

If blood meant that much we wouldn't have family members falling out and disowning each other all over the place..

Just because you're related to someone doeesn't mean they can't do any wrong..

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Re: Dad & Khala

This.

OP…you sound like a very level headed and mature girl. Picking up after your mom’s passing like this and trying to keep your family together. But part of being mature is swallowing things. Kids don’t have to swallow difficult scenarios - adults do.

My suggestion is:

Since you’re all grown up now or mostly at least - let your dad do what he wants, however he wants. Give him your consent - not because you really agree but because you want to keep harmony within the family.

My mami died at 35 from breast cancer leaving behind 3 kids - the youngest wasnt even walking yet. My mamu remarried within 3 months to his deceased wife’s first cousin. It was hard for us to accept her in that role but even harder on him and his family without a female figure in their home.

Imagine being married to someone for the best years of your life, planning on growing old with them and then it doesn’t happen. Your dad wants someone to be with again at any cost. It may be selfish but its human nature.

This will be one hard pill to swallow but you must do it because your family’s well being is at stake. You’re not majboor, you don’t depend on anyone…so don’t be afraid of your khala. She is there to take care of your father. Let her be his companion.

Someone once said that when people get old, they behave like kids. Your dad isn’t old but he is getting older and also just lost his wife. He is reacting…he feels empty, lost, etc. No one will be able to replace your mom in his life - trust me. Its just not possible. Your khala will realize that too. But they both need someone, have found each other and that’s what will have to be accepted.

You worry about your family, your future and what you need to do keep the peace in your house.

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Re: Dad & Khala

Sorry for your loss. I can somewhat understand how youre feeling for someone who has gone thru a similar situation. I lost my mother,in my teens and my father remarried a year later. We were not in favor of it but it was his wish to remarry "for our sake" as well (although I think mainly it was his need). In short, do your father a favor and try to support him although its difficult I know...you're family needs to stick together through this tough time. May Allah make it easy for you all.

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Re: Dad & Khala

I completely understand how you feel :bummer:

May Allah give you peace and the strength to handle whatever situation unravels. Ameen.

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Re: Dad & Khala

this must be the worst position to be in at the moment. although i understand the support given to your father...but these are all valid if we consider him as a man , a human being.
it is very hard to understand these points when we are talking about our own parents. keep faith that whatever will happen ,will happen for the best. try minimal confrontation with your dad and completely ignore this marriage topic in any discussions you gave with him. when things calm down, and he touch the topic again, try to explain your point of view. if he considers it the good, otherwise you have tried your best and move on.

76

Dad & Khala

My husband went through a similar scenario with his father as well. I can understand your feelings. The above poster has good advice. You can't control your father which you have to accept. It doesn't matter what's right/wrong. Which is clear to everyone involved anyway I'm sure. Just keep the peace as best you can, your family dynamic is changing because usually mothers are the glue keeping everything together. So many things fell apart for my husband after his moms passing but you need to put yourself in her shoes now to keep things together. Responsibility has fallen on you very fast but try and imagine how your mother would of handled difficult scenarios like this and try to keep things normal. I am deeply sorry for your loss, you sound strong and mature but also very hurt. Do not let this come between you and your father, ignore and accept things for what they are and try and sympathize just as much with your fathers situation. Talk to your siblings, discuss options and be there for each other. :) May Allah give you sabr during this difficult time.

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Re: Dad & Khala

Read the first five posts. Didn't want to get biased by other posts.

First, very sorry for your loss. You are grieving your mom's passing. Your dad is doing the same. Maybe he sees your mom in her sister.

Remember that he has spent more time with your mom than you have. Please cut him some slack. And show him some kindness. For he needs it. As much as you do.

Whether your father and your khala get together is only their decision. Not your mamus.

By bringing your mamu into this, you are inadvertently undermining your father.

Again, very sorry for your loss.

78

Re: Dad & Khala

I agree.

There is nothing wrong with remarrying (even though to me a parent marrying my aunt/uncle just seems wrong but that's just me) and if he wants to marry her then he should. You should remember he has lost his partner, someone who lived, breathed, talked, laughed etc and everything with him 24/7. That is a big blow.

Best way is instead of everyone breaking away at a time when they all need to be together in this hard time the marriage should be delayed. Let everyone calm down, gather themselves and then if two adults choose this then noone has any right to tell them not to.

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Re: Dad & Khala

I see this idea gaining popularity in all Life1 problems :D

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Re: Dad & Khala

As someone who lost their mom 2 years ago, I can understand where you're coming from. I'm really sorry for your loss. I was also the eldest daughter in my family and really had to step up in my role.

I also had this fear of losing my dad to another woman if he remarried after my mom's passing but he did the opposite and became a workaholic. I think every man goes through loss in a different way. I was in the same position as you, where I felt like I had to take care of my dad because he had just lost himself in his work to get over her passing. Your dad might be reaching out to your khala in the same way - as a means of trying to keep busy or get his mind diverted. My dad never remarried and doesn't seem to want to - we've all as siblings had talks to him on it, but he seems happier just spending time with us and working. I do admit, at first I was relieved in a way, because I didn't want him to find someone who would replace my mom. But sometimes I do feel that my thoughts were selfish and now that I'm married and don't live with him anymore - it's harder to see him alone and without a companion.

I can't vouch for your khala's character or what's really going on inside her mind or heart. I do think you are right about 3 months being way too soon. I think it is. Most people take about 6 months to get over something like this - to at least accept it's happened and then move on slowly from there. Your dad just seems like he's trying to get over your mom's passing way too quickly and might end up making a bad decision if he doesn't take his time to think about it. I also think all of you siblings should sit down and talk to him. If he wants to marry your khala - the truth is you can't really do much to change that, but ask your dad to give you guys time and to also take time himself before he introduces another family member in your household. I think it wouldn't be wrong for you to also say this to your khala and tell her that you guys just lost your mom and she should respectfully give you guys some time. If she's really genuinely interested in doing this for you guys, then she should understand.