Dad & Khala

Lifestyle Relationships
1

I’ve been a ghost reader of this forum since my last post & after thinking hard, have decided to turn to you guys for advice since I can’t trust anyone anymore.

My dearest Mother passed away suddenly in April. It was difficult at 24, being the eldest daughter that I had to become the Mum overnight. Especially since we’re not close to my dads side of the family and mum’s family reside outside of the UK. So you can see we didn’t get much outside help.

Despite this, we’re a close knit family and stuck by each other and tried to get on with our lives. All up until last month.

My dad announced to us he was to wed my khala. She resides in Pakistan and is single. He said his decision was for our betterment & also society had suggested it to both him and her.

It came as a shock for many reasons. Firstly, it hadn’t even been 3 months since Mum had passed away. Secondly, my parents had a blissful marriage for 27 years and were inseparable.

My three siblings and I, ages 25-14, opposed to this idea, stating we didn’t need khala to marry him for our betterment. My dad became confrontational, accused us of being selfish, stating he has a life to live and we have no means to interfere.

This carried on for two days, until I called my mamus who reside in Europe. They reassured me they’d only go with it if all 4 of agreed but since we didn’t, they said it wouldn’t happen. End of story.

My dad didn’t like it, turned towards me, regarding me to be the instigator to my siblings as I was the more vocal one. He asked me to leave the house.

Again I spoke to my mamus who spoke to him and things went back to ‘normal’ for a week. Until I started noticing my dad and khala would be on the phone constantly. I ignored it for the sake of my family.

Fast forward to last week, and I needed some help with something but my dad ignored me as he was on the phone to my khala. It was near iftaar time so I asked him again to help me and get off the phone to her. He snapped at me, didn’t eat my food & said to my sister, ‘I’m never eating that stupid cows food again, I’m gonna get married and only eat my wife’s food’.

He’s not spoken to me since. I’ve been unwell and he’s seen my medication lying around but he’s still not spoken to me.

Today I made dinner & he instigated my sister not to eat it. I asked him why he’s jeopardising his relationship with me over my khala. My siblings were there so I disclosed seeing his call log. Incoming & outgoing calls to her at least 15 times a day at all hours. Even 2am. Before work, after work, you name it.

He became spiteful and said he could do what he likes, he’s sick of me and wants me to leave home.

I called my mamu, had him on loud speaker and told him everything which had occurred in the last week. My dad denied and said I was looking for an excuse to run away & that I’m a liar. My uncle said he will resolve the issue and call me tomorrow after speaking to my khala.

I’m sorry it’s lengthy but I’m just so stressed out by this. I don’t know what to do.

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Re: Dad & Khala

what was your relationship with your dad like before your mum passed away?

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Re: Dad & Khala

Wow.. 3 months isn't long and khala is a bit close to home..

Would you be ok with him marrying later on?

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Re: Dad & Khala

We had the best relationship. I was a proper Daddy's girl.

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Re: Dad & Khala

Have your mamoon's talked to your khala? Why is she instigating this whole rishta in the first place?

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Re: Dad & Khala

I am sorry for loss. It's beyond painful to deal with parents' death. I am sure your father feels lonely after your mother passed away. With that said, why do you oppose it? Is it because you can't see her in your home or just because it's too soon?

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Re: Dad & Khala

My siblings and I said he can marry anyone else. Either now or later.

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Re: Dad & Khala

They said to my they haven't spoken to her. But after my call to them today, they said they will speak to her. I spoke to her about it on the weekend and she said many people have suggested it to her & that eventually we'll agree. Apparently we don't understand she's doing it for us. If it is for us, we've objected. Yet she still calls my dad all the time. When my mum was alive, they never spoke on the phone except for a passing comment here and there via skype.

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Re: Dad & Khala

Thank you.

We objected because she's our mum's sister. She's had her whole life to get married but refused to. All of a sudden she's agreed to marry my Dad. She's our aunt so if it was for our benefit she could 'look after us' without marrying him.

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your dad may be going through depression in his own way. ppl do the darnest things after going through loss of a loved one.

yes its not easy but... if this is what they both want... maybe try to find it in your heart to accept? it may prove to be a happy union for him and u kids? what do your siblings think of this marriage taking place??

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Re: Dad & Khala

So sorry to hear about your mom. This is a very emotional time for the whole family. Relationships strengthen or weaken during times like these. Maybe none of you is being objective about this. What if you suggest that they wait for a year before making a decision? It will give you all some time to think through it.

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Re: Dad & Khala

Well, is there something you don't like about her personality? I am still not sure what you are objecting to. Have you never liked her? If both are lonely then it seems reasonable to me that he'd marry her instead of bringing someone from outside. She may be able to take care of your siblings without feeling like you are a burden on her because you are her nieces and nephews. You already are family to her!

I think you would have just felt better if this didn't happen so soon. To be honest, I don't really see an issue with him marrying her. If it could be anyone, why not her? Would it make more sense to you if she just came home to live with you guys in order to look after you without any relationship to your dad?

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Re: Dad & Khala

How can it be a happy union for him? He lost his soulmate (his words) of 27 years. How can marrying her sister be the best move, 3 months on? They aren't even similar.

None of us siblings agree.

It's pathetic my dad has ruined his relationship with me, over my khala.
He can go marry anyone else, why her?

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Re: Dad & Khala

Is my dads behaviour acceptable towards me, over my objection? We were asked for our opinion. My mamus asked for our opinion. She's my mums sister so she can 'look after' us without the marriage. And how can she look after us when she's in Pakistan. I applied for her visa before this situation arised, week after mum passed away. Ironically it was rejected on the grounds of her return to Pakistan being uncertain.

It's not even about the marriage itself. My dad's changed towards me over her.

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Dad & Khala

Sorry for your loss. It must be so hard. :-(

Well, think about it. Your dad needs some support and a companion too. I know it's hard to accept it, but perhaps marrying your Khala will be good for him. Especially since he seems very interested in her.

Did you get along with your Khala before your mom's death? Maybe a woman in the family will be better than a ghair woman?

I strongly suggest your dad to wait a few months to a year before getting married so that his kids have some time to think about it and move on with life. 3 months is too soon.

Perhaps you should give in and allow your dad to marry your Khala if he really wants to.

May Allah give you sabr and may every thing go well.

16

Thank you.

We objected because she’s our mum’s sister. She’s had her whole life to get married but refused to. All of a sudden she’s agreed to marry my Dad. She’s our aunt so if it was for our benefit she could ‘look after us’ without marrying him.
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Was your dad ever unfaithful to your mother? Was he in anyways responsible for her sudden departure? Was he ok when her loss?

I am sure your answers are no to all. Then why are you punishing your dad for wanting to marry? Three months may seem too soon, but he spent 27 years with a life partner. You have no idea how lonely he must be feeling right now. Be happy with his happiness. Dont be selfish please. I know it’s tough for you, but it will be good inshallah

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Re: Dad & Khala

But your objection should have a solid reason. You have no reason! That is why he is acting out because you are not understanding what he is going through and perhaps he doesn't understand what you have been through. You dad has a good reason to actually marry her because that way he can bring her here so she could look after you!

You seem to be taking this as if he is rejecting you over your KHala. He is not! You should understand his situation too. Raising kids is not easy and you still have a 14 year old to look after! You may not need her, but the 14 year old needs a mother.

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Re: Dad & Khala

I'm not the only sibling opposing to this. I do understand your point.
I'll agree to it and then leave the house. He wants me to go anyway.

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Re: Dad & Khala

I would have been okay with marrying the khala thing but the hidden behaviour and acting like a teenager is so messy. Isn't there any other elder you can seek out (I'm going to guess there isn't because you would have gone to them already.)

Your father could be ill/depressed and showing the symptoms in this fashion. A lot of the time such altered behaviour is one of the signs. He might even be lashing out because he's scared to lose you guys.

Don't instigate him. Don't engage in taking potshots. Keep doing what you've been doing, silently.

Make sure any inheritance you have is safe and he isn't making any secret wills. You also need to see what your financial situation is. If you can stand on your own feet then you need to start looking into it. Your father is being highly irrational and you need to have some safeguard if indeed the marriage takes place and he kicks out the adult kids.

Really sorry for your loss. I hope you find a resolution soon.

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Re: Dad & Khala

If he can marry anyone else, why not her? People do a lot of things in grief and he probably still is grieving and hence his extreme reaction to you opposing. Just like you lost your mother, he is also suddenly very alone, and without companionship that he had for last 27 years. You and your siblings will get married and move on with your lives. Perhaps your khala and him reconnected over their love for your mom? He knows your khala, and hence it's easier for him to think of marrying her, rather than getting to know someone completely new at his age.