How many of you would be okay with your dad and khala getting married?
It's clear its not for our betterment.
She had her whole life to get wed but waits for her sisters death?
I think this part basically summarizes how you feel about this entire issue.
You feel betrayed, and you're suspicious of your khala's actions. Talk to your father. Say exactly what you wrote here. See what he has to say. And then ask him if he can postpone it all for a few months, until all of you have properly grieved. Have this conversation in a calm manner. Listen to your dad as much as he speaks to you. This maybe will then give all of you time to think things through. Meanwhile, ignore your dad's teenage-like habits. He's dealing with his grief the way he thinks is best.
Maybe he doesn't want to admit that he wants to remarry for his own sake and for his own needs....as maybe he fears his kids will find it shameful or judge him.
OP, your dad can marry any woman, but maybe he agreed to marrying your khala because it keeps a connection to your mom...because maybe he feels that she will share some similarity with your mom as they both grew up in the same home and are sisters...so he figures there will be more compatibility in marrying a woman from the same family as his wife. I don't blame you for being hurt given that it's only been three months.
How similar can two women be after living apart for 27 years. Mum came to England at the age of 20. Yes they're sisters but they aren't similar.
Not that it matters to the ones who heavily object to my objection.
My khala and mum got married on the same day.
*My dad was out the family and picked mum, and their proposal only gained approval if the other sister married within the family. She married her cousin but left two months later and got divorced few months later. *
Mum claimed her sister was jealous was of her at times, I used to laugh it off. But maybe she was right.
So that's it! Have you talked about this with your dad? It could be that he is completely unaware of her ill intentions.
I think this part basically summarizes how you feel about this entire issue.
You feel betrayed, and you're suspicious of your khala's actions. Talk to your father. Say exactly what you wrote here. See what he has to say. And then ask him if he can postpone it all for a few months, until all of you have properly grieved. Have this conversation in a calm manner. Listen to your dad as much as he speaks to you. This maybe will then give all of you time to think things through. Meanwhile, ignore your dad's teenage-like habits. He's dealing with his grief the way he thinks is best.
Yeah this is exactly what I did initially. I listened. He started being mean so I spoke to my uncles. He denied everything to them and things went back to 'normal'. Until last week. Again, I ignored it until today.
There are no elders. We've not had a relationship with dads side, dad included. Only relationship we've had is with mums brothers and sister. It's hard enough losing a mum so suddenly, dealing with being the mum for everyone and then being subjected to this treatment by my own father.
I totally understand. It's a betrayal. I would still give him the benefit of the doubt that grief is the cause for the altered behaviour.
And the thing is if the person who wanted to remarry after 2 months of their spouse passing away was a neighbour, friend, coworker I would tell them they were insane, completely loco. This is not a good time to make long term relationships and it will be a huge huge mistake.
So even if we set aside your feelings what your father is doing is not a good idea. If at 6 months time he had started the proceedings involving all the family then it would have been far more palatable. He knows he's messing up, that's why he's hiding his behaviour.
And it looks like you're taking up the lion's share of the household work. This is not fair and it's obviously making you unhappy. Take some time off, visit friends, take a day trip. I know you won't feel like it after your tragedy but you need to take care of yourself.
And keep silent, don't argue, don't get yourself worked up. You've said your piece and now it's your father's turn to resume communication.
I did mention it initially. But he said I was lying. As he didn't know about the 'one daughter in family' deal.
Is there a way you could make him see that her intention is to just marry him and not to take care of you and your siblings? I am about to say something really dramatic but it's worth a try. Record your conversation with your Khala if she ever gets mean to you over the phone. Maybe you can push her a little to say what she really wants out of this marriage. :D
Spoke to her on Sunday when she called my dad on viber.
Coincidentally, we had guests my dad had to attend to.
So I told her dads not talking to me and she asked why.
It was a civil convo.
Basically she said eventually we will agree, & how this is better for us kids. I repeatedly told her we object to it. But she remained persistent. In the end I gave up talking to her about it. Oh and she mentioned how after my mum's death she will never be able to sit alone with my dad unless she marries him (doesn't stop the 2am phone calls tho does it). She also mentioned certain things which make it apparent dad tells her everything. Basic things about who said what to whom, who wears what, etc etc
Spoke to her on Sunday when she called my dad on viber.
Coincidentally, we had guests my dad had to attend to.
So I told her dads not talking to me and she asked why.
It was a civil convo.
Basically she said eventually we will agree, & how this is better for us kids. I repeatedly told her we object to it. But she remained persistent. In the end I gave up talking to her about it. Oh and she mentioned how after my mum's death she will never be able to sit alone with my dad unless she marries him (doesn't stop the 2am phone calls tho does it). She also mentioned certain things which make it apparent dad tells her everything. Basic things about who said what to whom, who wears what, etc etc
Next time you talk to her can you ask her to just wait a couple of months before proceeding any further. That you're not done grieving for your mother and it's very hard for you see the postive so waiting might make the situation easier (yes, you can be lying your ass off). If she doesn't even take such a heartfelt request seriously then there's something very fishy.
And at least be glad the 2am talks involve what you're wearing and doing and nothing sleazy. :) but yeah seriously stop giving your father info. Ask your siblings to not talk about the topic at all unless he brings it up.
It's also incredibly odd that when you tell your mamoo's he pretends like nothings going on? Like if he truly wanted to marry your khala he would have to discuss it with your mamoo's first anyways. He might be hurting but to lash out at his kids is just wrong, especially when they're hurting just as much. Talking in the middle of the night secretly like that is also highly inappropriate. And relaying everything thats going on in the house is also not right. He might be lonely and need someone to talk to but the way he's going about doing all these things is just not right.
OP I think all you can do is have an open honest discussion with your father, with your mamoos there as a witness. Hang in there and lean on your siblings for support through this difficult. I really hope your mamoo's can knock some sense into your father to at least acknowledge his childrens feelings.
How many of you would be okay with your dad and khala getting married?
It's clear its not for our betterment.
She had her whole life to get wed but waits for her sisters death?
this is what i was also thinking. and you know, i don't blame you for feeling the way you do OP. your dad has been happily married for twenty seven years, three months on from your mother's death and he wants to marry your khala with the excuse it's for the betterment of the kids? and what betterment is there if he continously threatens to kick you out over your khala? does your khala know about this? and she still wants to marry him knowing he's willing to give up on his own children over her? and if she does know about it, or is okay with it.. then what kind of a mother figure could she ever possibly be? if she doesn't know about it, why don't you fill her in? let her know this is how things will go down if you don't accept that he wants to marry her. see what she has to say.
yes, he deserves companionship. but him seeking companionship has a time and place, which is not when the wounds are still fresh and everyone is grieving. and yes, people do odd stuff when they are grieving but he is an adult with children.. the least he can do is be more mature about it and ASK his kids why the rejection or try to empathise more. he is not a teenage boy who has been deprived of "companionship" - people adjust after the death of their spouse.. and eventually some do meet another, theres nothing wrong with that.. but like i said, time and place.
maybe your khala saw how good a husband he was to her sister and wouldnt mind being with him?
as for your dad… maybe he likes the idea of having someone else to love and care for, found a willing partner so just stuck to her? its not easy to go out and meet potential rishtas … here is a woma ready to marry him and she is family.
also… i know personally of widowed men that throw the “its for the kids” line cuz society acceots that more readily than if a man were to go out and say point blank, i have needs, both mental and phsyical and thus, want to get remarried. its common sense but alas, our ppl arent so forgiving.
it sucks how he is going about it… but i seriously think he may be depressed … acting irrationally and everytbing else…
this is what i was also thinking. and you know, i don't blame you for feeling the way you do OP. your dad has been happily married for twenty seven years, three months on from your mother's death and he wants to marry your khala with the excuse it's for the betterment of the kids? and what betterment is there if he continously threatens to kick you out over your khala? does your khala know about this? and she still wants to marry him knowing he's willing to give up on his own children over her? and if she does know about it, or is okay with it.. then what kind of a mother figure could she ever possibly be? if she doesn't know about it, why don't you fill her in? let her know this is how things will go down if you don't accept that he wants to marry her. see what she has to say.
yes, he deserves companionship. but him seeking companionship has a time and place, which is not when the wounds are still fresh and everyone is grieving. and yes, people do odd stuff when they are grieving but he is an adult with children.. the least he can do is be more mature about it and ASK his kids why the rejection or try to empathise more. he is not a teenage boy who has been deprived of "companionship" - people adjust after the death of their spouse.. and eventually some do meet another, theres nothing wrong with that.. but like i said, time and place.
Some really good points. I didn't look at it this way. I can see how It could turn into a big disaster and ruin lives of many if Khala's intentions are ill. It could also be that this is an emotional decision on dad's part and it would be better to just wait it out. Once his mind clears, he will change his mind.
People who are saying he is depressed, lonely etc then guys it’s not easy for kids either. They must be going through hell too. They just lost their mother, must be depressed & all of a sudden their father broke this news of marrying their khaala. This is A LOT to process, I mean seriously. The thing is he isn’t alone in all this, there are kids involved & whatever decision he is going to take will affect them too. At the end of the day, all are going to live under same roof.
Just because he is interested in khaala, doesn’t give him the permit to be so harsh & rude towards his own daughter. There are thousand other polite ways to convince your kids.
My uncle called me today, not the one I spoke to yesterday. He had been informed about what had happened yesterday. He stuck to his initial point, it would not go ahead unless all four of us agreed. He seemed disappointed by Dads behaviour towards me but told me to ignore it. If he doesn't talk to me, ignore it. If he doesn't eat my food, ignore it. He's due to come to visit us next month so said we'll talk about it in front of Dad, then at least he can't backtrack on what he's said. He always assured me he's believed everything I've told them, and agreed the hidden phonecalls at all hours is inappropriate.
I understand where your point and it seems your mother was not in best terms with your khala, which may make it even harder for you. But there are several things you need to consider.
1- Your father & khala do not need you or your uncles to agree for marriage, they can go ahead with it without your approval.
2- They are both getting old, this is their last dig at love, and believe me I have seen that this "bari umer ka ishq" is much worse than that in young age. They will not back track. Your khala bcoz she probably will not find anyone else to marry and you dad bcoz he will think this is his last chance to fall in love , now or never. And then "rasm-edunya bhi hai, moqa bhi hai, dastoor bhi hai".
3- You kids are grown up, your dad probably thinks he has done for you what was his duty to raise you up, he does not owe you anything more.
So my suggestion is, do not antagonise him because in the end they will do it and you will not only lose him, so will your siblings who may not feel as strongly about this as you do.
Not everything in life happens the way we want. It better to concentrate on your self and leave the things you can't change.
I think one of the hardest parts of growing up is realizing that our parents are not perfect, and they need OUR understanding, sympathy, and forgiveness sometimes. You may always be aware of flaws, but as we grow older we see their weaknesses and vulnerabilities. Some of these make us sad; others make us mad; others disgust/disturb us.
I don't think anyone believes what your father is doing is okay. It's not. But you cannot control him, just as he cannot control you.
In this time of high stress and high emotions, be careful of making statements or engaging in feuds where hurtful words will be uttered and decisions will be made that cannot be taken back. If your family members are full of pride and don't admit mistakes, then this is even more dangerous, as you may not be able to repair relationships, despite regrets on both sides.
Explain your reasons for feeling this marriage/relationship is not the right decision, but don't force him to choose between you or your khala. While he will want to choose you because his feelings for you are deeper, pride and anger and hurt may make him go the other way.
You need to accept that he is an adult and can make his own decisions. You also need to do what you feel is best for yourself. Be open and honest with him. Don't break ties. But if you need some space, get space.
Reverse the situation. What if you wanted to marry someone and your dad opposed it. Would you not get mad at him and may be even fight with him ? He could be thinking the way you are that he raised you and loved you for more than 20 years and you are willing to destroy your relationship with your dad over a boy ?
Your dad's insistence could be because of his ego and anger.
Sometimes when we are angry, we keep on insisting on our point of view even though we are wrong. And sometimes people's ego make them not accept their faults.
Let the adults including your mamun, dad and khala decide. You work full time, and are taking care of the household too. It is a lot of work. The grief, stress, tiredness can make you angry.
From what you are telling, it seems that you are pretty sure your khala always wanted a husband like your dad and now she has got the chance and is availing it but Allah knows best. Dont assume anything.
Even though your dad's behavior and late night calls do not seem appropriate but your khala is right that she cannot come and live with you guys even if she talks to your dad late at night. Living in will give people a reason to talk.
@Pastries you are depressed too on the loss of your mother. You need to take a break from this situation. Once you will be away from all this bickering with dad, taking care of entire family and full time work , You will think rationally and will deal with this situation differently. Try this please and repost.
