I'm not the only sibling opposing to this. I do understand your point.
I'll agree to it and then leave the house. He wants me to go anyway.
Stop being ungrateful! Really. He raised you and your siblings. Since you are the oldest, you have a lot of influence over your siblings. If you wanted, you could convince them and tell them that it is good for you and them! If you have no reason as to why your dad shouldn't marry your Khala, then really start looking at this from his perspective. You have your whole life ahead of you and you can leave the house and start over! He can't! It is extremely difficult to be left alone at your dad's age. Everyone needs a companion who won't just up and leave after the sun sets.
Was your dad ever unfaithful to your mother? Was he in anyways responsible for her sudden departure? Was he ok when her loss?
I am sure your answers are no to all. Then why are you punishing your dad for wanting to marry? Three months may seem too soon, but he spent 27 years with a life partner. You have no idea how lonely he must be feeling right now. Be happy with his happiness. Dont be selfish please. I know it's tough for you, but it will be good inshallah
I don't think I am being selfish. I do think about how lonely he feels but surely my siblings and I have suffered a loss too. My mum was only 47. You think it's easy for us? If he's gonna marry her I can't stop him. But I'm not gonna stick around and play happy families. My dad ruined his relationship with me. Repeatedly telling me to leave, telling my uncles I'm looking for excuses to run away etc. Which Pakistani man says that?
For 3 months I've done all the cooking, cleaning, ironing on time whilst working fulltime. And being the mum socially too to please our stupid society. But I'm selfish right?
If he's so adamant on marrying her, why do my uncles not know they talk at all houra of the night and why does he deny wanting to marry her to them?
Stop being ungrateful! Really. He raised you and your siblings. Since you are the oldest, you have a lot of influence over your siblings. If you wanted, you could convince them and tell them that it is good for you and them! If you have no reason as to why your dad shouldn't marry your Khala, then really start looking at this from his perspective. You have your whole life ahead of you and you can leave the house and start over! He can't! It is extremely difficult to be left alone at your dad's age. Everyone needs a companion who won't just up and leave after the sun sets.
I'm not the eldest. I have brothers aged 25 & 21. My sister is the youngest.
I think remarriage is a great thing - why should someone spend their golden years alone.
That being said - remarriage this quickly and saying it's for the kids, when it truly isn't seems disingenuous. If he wants to marry for his own sake - come out and say so. I think the situation now feels like a "pick khala or the kids" scenario and picking the khala is like losing another parent.
Aside from talking to your mamus and asking them to delay the wedding for a year, I don't know what other options there is.
But your objection should have a solid reason. You have no reason! That is why he is acting out because you are not understanding what he is going through and perhaps he doesn't understand what you have been through. You dad has a good reason to actually marry her because that way he can bring her here so she could look after you!
You seem to be taking this as if he is rejecting you over your KHala. He is not! You should understand his situation too. Raising kids is not easy and you still have a 14 year old to look after! You may not need her, but the 14 year old needs a mother.
I personally don't think even if her objection has no solid reason that his behaviour toward his daughter is justified. To tell her to leave the house and insult her over her objection and claim she's lying is incredibly harsh even if he is grieving. This is a big decision that affects the whole family so I think it is odd that he just imposes it on his family out of nowhere. Even weirder that if he was so close to the OP he would behave this way towards her. The whole family are going through a lot and his first priority should still be his children, especially now. If he still wants to marry her he could have gently spoken to his family about it, gotten the mamoo's involved to discuss it with the children, brought the khala in, etc. I can understand he's grieving too, but I think he's handled the situation very poorly.
OP I'm sorry that you're in such a difficult situation, I think you should consider that your father will need companionship and that your khala is a sensible choice because of the family connection. But I think you need to continue to involve your other family in this situation based on how he's behaving towards you. Try to reason with him and understand why he would act out like this. How are your other siblings holding up?
I think before we go all judgemental on someones feelings, we should put ourself in their shoe and only then guide or lecture. I think OP has a very valid concern and she has every damn right to express her dislike to her father. Yes, the father has the right to remarry and he can select someone of his choice but i would agree with the kids, why the khala of all the people? It really makes you wonder! Esp if the kids are against this how would it work out after their marriage?
Theorist I'm not being ungrateful. But I've come to the point where I don't care about relationships. When I posted this issue it was fresh and I was upset, but by morning I probably won't give it another thought until it's mentioned again. I posted for opinions which I'm appreciative of, but it's also unfair on myself to agree to it because others are telling me to. If you were in my shoes maybe you'd be a bit more mindful of what you said and read into what I actually posted.
If he can marry anyone else, why not her? People do a lot of things in grief and he probably still is grieving and hence his extreme reaction to you opposing. Just like you lost your mother, he is also suddenly very alone, and without companionship that he had for last 27 years. You and your siblings will get married and move on with your lives. Perhaps your khala and him reconnected over their love for your mom? He knows your khala, and hence it's easier for him to think of marrying her, rather than getting to know someone completely new at his age.
He doesn't know my khala. They've never had a relationship. They've probably only met 3/4 times when we've gone to Pakistan. My dad mentioned this marriage crap a month ago, which makes it only two months after mum passed away. Surely they didn't come to that decision overnight.
She never phones us or anything. Only on my dads phone. My dad lost both his parents when he was 19, so surely he should be making us his priority. Not one day has he sat with us to talk to us about mum or anything. Always on the phone to her. And why keep it a secret from my uncles? Surely the marriage can only happen if they say yes.
I am surprised and disappointed to see so many people who usually give sound advice are saying it's totally ok to remarry. It has been only 3 months and I get that his dad is depressed etc. and acting out but for a second he never thought what their kids are going through.
How is it so easy for him to let go of such a long marriage and form a new connection with her dead wife's sister? He is clearly not doing for his children since this is what they don't want atleast not so soon.
I would be enraged if I were in OPs position.
And to the OP you can't do anything if he and your khala wants to marry. All you can do is keep explaining him and convincing others in family that it's not a good idea and hope for the best.
And sorry for your mums loss. Hope you get through this ordeal
I would have been okay with marrying the khala thing but the hidden behaviour and acting like a teenager is so messy. Isn't there any other elder you can seek out (I'm going to guess there isn't because you would have gone to them already.)
Your father could be ill/depressed and showing the symptoms in this fashion. A lot of the time such altered behaviour is one of the signs. He might even be lashing out because he's scared to lose you guys.
Don't instigate him. Don't engage in taking potshots. Keep doing what you've been doing, silently.
Make sure any inheritance you have is safe and he isn't making any secret wills. You also need to see what your financial situation is. If you can stand on your own feet then you need to start looking into it. Your father is being highly irrational and you need to have some safeguard if indeed the marriage takes place and he kicks out the adult kids.
Really sorry for your loss. I hope you find a resolution soon.
There are no elders. We've not had a relationship with dads side, dad included. Only relationship we've had is with mums brothers and sister. It's hard enough losing a mum so suddenly, dealing with being the mum for everyone and then being subjected to this treatment by my own father.
I think if it's a question of companionship, then there is nothing wrong with getting remarried, and well as they say, saali aadhi ghar wali hoti hai (sorry OP) and perhaps your dad is pursuing this rishta because he feels that since your khala is your mom's sister, both will have the same personalities, something which he himself has grown accustomed to. However, knowing that you and your siblings are in your 20's, it's pretty lame to give an excuse of "it's for your betterment" because soon your brothers will have their wives to take care of them, and you yourself will be married and will have your husband to who will take care of you. It does seem odd that soon after your mom's passing this has come up all of a sudden as a viable option. Talk to your mamoons, and ask them to talk to your khala why is she really pursuing this relationship. And if possibly if they could hold off to the wedding until everyone has properly grieved. All of you are still in your mourning period and at this point nothing makes sense.
If ur dad marries her, her getting proper immigration will take a long time too right?
Ps I think your father must have told you to leave the home as he was angry. Don't take it to heart and leave... It'll break up the family and cause more distress.
I personally don't think even if her objection has no solid reason that his behaviour toward his daughter is justified. To tell her to leave the house and insult her over her objection and claim she's lying is incredibly harsh even if he is grieving. This is a big decision that affects the whole family so I think it is odd that he just imposes it on his family out of nowhere. Even weirder that if he was so close to the OP he would behave this way towards her. The whole family are going through a lot and his first priority should still be his children, especially now. If he still wants to marry her he could have gently spoken to his family about it, gotten the mamoo's involved to discuss it with the children, brought the khala in, etc. I can understand he's grieving too, but I think he's handled the situation very poorly.
OP I'm sorry that you're in such a difficult situation, I think you should consider that your father will need companionship and that your khala is a sensible choice because of the family connection. But I think you need to continue to involve your other family in this situation based on how he's behaving towards you. Try to reason with him and understand why he would act out like this. How are your other siblings holding up?
My siblings object to it. Intially they were very vocal about it but then they stopped saying anything about it to Dad. Instead they stopped speaking to mums family. They do voice their concern to me. I believe they don't speak out in front of dad anymore because they fear he'll behave with them the way he behaves with me. But because of this, it's easy for my dad to belive I'm instigating
If ur dad marries her, her getting proper immigration will take a long time too right?
Ps I think your father must have told you to leave the home as he was angry. Don't take it to heart and leave... It'll break up the family and cause more distress.
He's said it numerous times. Even to my uncle's that I'm looking for excuses to run away. The hurtful thing is he's doing it over my khala. I don't believe I've done anything wrong.
There are no elders. We've not had a relationship with dads side, dad included. Only relationship we've had is with mums brothers and sister. It's hard enough losing a mum so suddenly, dealing with being the mum for everyone and then being subjected to this treatment by my own father.
To me it looks like its not the fact that he is marrying your khala that is a problem, but it is that he does not acknowledge your feelings about it. Many men are not adept at expressing themselves. And it is particularly difficult at times like these. If you get confrontational, there is only one way your relationship with your dad can go: it will break. You need to find a way to de-escalate it. Talk to your mamus and get them to convince your dad and your khala to take some time. Meanwhile you and your siblings think about it too.
I think remarriage is a great thing - why should someone spend their golden years alone.
That being said - remarriage this quickly and saying it's for the kids, when it truly isn't seems disingenuous. If he wants to marry for his own sake - come out and say so. I think the situation now feels like a "pick khala or the kids" scenario and picking the khala is like losing another parent.
Aside from talking to your mamus and asking them to delay the wedding for a year, I don't know what other options there is.
Maybe he doesn't want to admit that he wants to remarry for his own sake and for his own needs....as maybe he fears his kids will find it shameful or judge him.
OP, your dad can marry any woman, but maybe he agreed to marrying your khala because it keeps a connection to your mom...because maybe he feels that she will share some similarity with your mom as they both grew up in the same home and are sisters...so he figures there will be more compatibility in marrying a woman from the same family as his wife. I don't blame you for being hurt given that it's only been three months.
Not that it matters to the ones who heavily object to my objection.
My khala and mum got married on the same day.
My dad was out the family and picked mum, and their proposal only gained approval if the other sister married within the family. She married her cousin but left two months later and got divorced few months later.
Mum claimed her sister was jealous was of her at times, I used to laugh it off. But maybe she was right.