As I said before, someone doesn't just suddenly hit you. It's an eventual thing. Kind of like boiling a frog. If you put it in hot water straight away it'll jump out, but if you raise the temperature bit by bit then it won't know it's slowly dying.
Do you understand what I mean? The posters who are saying that if she was educated and comes from a good family this wouldn't happen to her have no idea what they are talking about.
Abusers don't suddenly start using their spouses as punching bags. It is slow and by the time the victim realizes it. It's too late. She has become too dependent.
This is a very textbook case of an abusive marriage. Abuser lures the person in and is sweet until the marriage and makes the person so dependent and so undervalued. That’s why so many women who don’t even cultural taboos about divorce cannot leave their marriage.
Statistics say a woman being abused on average goes back to her abuser seven times before finally completely walking out so even her need to go back to her husband is not unique.
Your cousin’s case needs to be handled sensitively and by professionals. Talk to a helpline or a therapist. Like I said earlier this is not unique case so professionals have seen this behaviour hundreds of times. They will know what to do.
As I said before, someone doesn't just suddenly hit you. It's an eventual thing. Kind of like boiling a frog. If you put it in hot water straight away it'll jump out, but if you raise the temperature bit by bit then it won't know it's slowly dying.
Do you understand what I mean? The posters who are saying that if she was educated and comes from a good family this wouldn't happen to her have no idea what they are talking about.
Abusers don't suddenly start using their spouses as punching bags. It is slow and by the time the victim realizes it. It's too late. She has become too dependent.
I think you are reading it all wrong. All we are saying is if she has those two in her favor, it is relatively easier for her to get away from this guy.
Am sure you deal with helping abuse victims all the time, but is it hard for you to believe that some of the posters here may have gone through something like this and know a thing or two about it? Maybe they saw their mothers or sisters or daughters go through it. Ignorance is not about not knowing; it is about not learning. Not acknowledging that there could be a different point of view is the worse ignorance of all.
Every contributor to this thread did so to the best of their abilities to help OP. If you are capable of doing more, by all means, reach out to her and offer your expertise.
I thought that people were saying that since she is educated and comes from a background of affluence, she has a better chance of making it on her own than those who do not.
I don't think anyone would say that being educated precludes anyone from being the victim.
@kakee....for someone that has been around the forum for so very long, you certainly are ignorant in the ways of effective communication.
Except for the fact that I was addressing those who were making ignorant comments. If PakLinks was a representation of Pakistan then Pakistan sure must be rich. I love how you hinted that I was prejudice against Pakistanis even though that is not the case.
In fact people are talking about her chances of happiness being very high because of her background.
I didn't hint...I don't see why anyone would have to hint anything...I said it. You have an issue with Paklinks, take it up in a PM with an admin or manager. Do not come into threads and insult the entire forum and expect everyone to congratulate you on your communication skills.
She took the initiative of telling the OP about it. Jesus, PakLinks is just one after another of unrealistic people who obviously do not work and have never encountered victims of abuse.
I think you are reading it all wrong. All we are saying is if she has those two in her favor, it is relatively easier for her to get away from this guy.
Am sure you deal with helping abuse victims all the time, but is it hard for you to believe that some of the posters here may have gone through something like this and know a thing or two about it? Maybe they saw their mothers or sisters or daughters go through it. Ignorance is not about not knowing; it is about not learning. Not acknowledging that there could be a different point of view is the worse ignorance of all.
Every contributor to this thread did so to the best of their abilities to help OP. If you are capable of doing more, by all means, reach out to her and offer your expertise.
"There is no excuse for an educated woman to tolerate such physical abuse. In fact, if a girl is educated, she should stand up for herself and set an example for other girls who are not as fortunate." this is what you said which is what I had a problem with.
shrugs frankly do not care. I did not personally attack anyone. I didn’t mention any names I just had a problem with people saying stuff like this “There is no excuse for an educated woman to tolerate such physical abuse. In fact, if a girl is educated, she should stand up for herself and set an example for other girls who are not as fortunate.” or somehow “She’s an educated professional…obviously from an affluent family…she’s terrified of divorce but not scared to go back to a physically abusive husband? Fears becoming an old maid? Does this mindset still exist in 2014???” it is impossible to believe that someone who is educated and comes from a good family would want to go back to her abusive partner.
As if education or their background had anything to do with it.
That is what I have a problem with. I do not need to convince anyone. I state my opinion which is what others do too. I do not agree with Victims helping themselves first and then going on to say that they should help others who are less fortunate.
"There is no excuse for an educated woman to tolerate such physical abuse. In fact, if a girl is educated, she should stand up for herself and set an example for other girls who are not as fortunate." this is what you said which is what I had a problem with.
Ok. How did you go from there to: "It never happens to educated girls"?
Ok. How did you go from there to: "It never happens to educated girls"?
That is not what I said. I said that education or her families income does not matter. It doesn't matter if she's educated or not educated. She does not have to stand up for herself. She needs others to help her i.e the cousin. She is also not required to help or set an example for other girls who are not as fortunate... I would say being an abusive relationship is quite unfortunate, don't you think?
If you are not protected by your own spouse, how could life will move? A relation should be peaceful...
Allah pak says in Quran
Divorce is twice. Then, either keep [her] in an acceptable manner or release [her] with good treatment. And it is not lawful for you to take anything of what you have given them unless both fear that they will not be able to keep [within] the limits of Allah. But if you fear that they will not keep [within] the limits of Allah, then there is no blame upon either of them concerning that by which she ransoms herself. These are the limits of Allah, so do not transgress them. And whoever transgresses the limits of Allah - it is those who are the wrongdoers. (229) surah al baqarah
i would say if she thinks, nothing will be good in future, she must have taken decision(with the help of elders and knowledgeable person), just to protect her future generation, my personal thinking child from such relation are kind of frustrated, depressive and aggressive.
may Allah protect us and may Allah bring peace, comfort and tranquility in her life Ameen
I do not agree with Victims helping themselves first and then going on to say that they should help others who are less fortunate.
You may not agree with it but to a certain extent even mental health professionals will agree with the idea that until the abused make up their mind to help themselves, no one else can.
I've met women who were in abusive relationships, convinced them, talked to them, even arranged counseling for them but until they take a step towards getting helped...an outsider can not do much. I've had them ignore me, stop taking my calls, block me on FB, blame me for trying to brain wash them when I all did was give them options according to the situations they were describing.
I don't think you really know what you're talking about kakee...it seems as if you're reading some sort of textbook and copy/pasting stuff. You have no real life experience in this matter and that is obvious.
And YES I do believe wholeheartedly that anyone who makes it out of an abusive situation should do their best to try and help others. Its a healing process and not only can they sympathize but they ACTUALLY understand what is happening versus assuming.
I feel physically sick reading about what she had to go through. That a$%#$. I hope you guys realise that divorce will be a tough option and decision for her, but there isn't any other way. There is no way, this guy is any good for her. She's gorgeous and educated. She has the full right to live a happy and peaceful fun life. Not like what was described. Pathetic.
were going to give them $220,000 as a down payment for their first home (plus the $15,000 from her grandfather) and he says her Islamic share should be more and it isn't enough.
ok I know this is really a side thing but he had the audacity to ask for her "Islamic" share in this way? What's so Islamic about that. What's with Pakistani ppl expecting their inheritances and ghar ka hissa and business ka hissa while the parents are still alive. Do they realize that an inheritance is essentially after that person has passed away so the remaining assets are divided amongst heirs. I mean what r the parents supposed to live on with all their assets given away while they're alive. Why do ppl even expect that. Kis cheez ka hissa?!
A very bad situation...but your cousins is partly to blame....a normal self respecting person would not tolerate such abuse for ONE day.....she however decided to go ahead and continue taking beatings and getting abused. You claim she is half of the size of her husband? There are plenty of toys available in the market which will neutralize size advantage and put her in a situation where SHE can put him in his place....however that requires self confidence which she obviously doesnt have.....I would suggest she do what she should have done long time ago...and leave him....
I really didn't want to get involved in this topic, but from personal experience this is a sign of black magic done to break up the couple. Seek the Quran, genuine Islamic alim/scholar for some help.
Please provide us a list of "Genuine" Islamic scholars (I suppose YOU are in charge of certifying them)...and also another list of "not genuine" scholars so that we can seek help.....
kakee is right that it doesn't just happen in one day; it's a slow process of mental torture making you feel like you are at fault and deserve abuse.
It is shocking that a woman with education, family support, and other resources would let herself be abused. That shouldn't make you doubt the abuse. That should help people realize just how powerful and horrific abusive relationships can be, just how effective they are at distorting the victim's reality.
Victim blaming/shaming is what keeps victims of abuse silent for so long. Lets agree to stop it now.
A very bad situation...but your cousins is partly to blame....a normal self respecting person would not tolerate such abuse for ONE day.....she however decided to go ahead and continue taking beatings and getting abused. You claim she is half of the size of her husband? There are plenty of toys available in the market which will neutralize size advantage and put her in a situation where SHE can put him in his place....however that requires self confidence which she obviously doesnt have.....I would suggest she do what she should have done long time ago...and leave him....
just how ignorant and heartless people can be, still surprises me.... disgusting
physically attacking someone using a weapon is self confidence????