I posted a thread not long ago about my cousin whose in-laws behaved atrociously towards her during her wedding and stay in Pakistan. Things have now turned even worse for her. It was come to light that her husband does not want to work- his failure to not want to work has resulted in him picking fights with her over very minor issues. He also beats her. Her arms are covered in bruises and he has repeatedly choked her. She tells me that when he hits her she, in self defence, hits back but he is double her size. He slaps her face repeatedly. He calls her a prostitute (excuse my language please) and says that if it wasn’t for him she would be sitting home her whole life. He says she goes and has sex with other men- this is untrue. He calls her black (she is fair) and says he is not attracted to her because she has 2 pimples. He expects sex twice a day everyday. She isn’t allowed to socialise with friends or family. Her parents were going to give them $220,000 as a down payment for their first home (plus the $15,000 from her grandfather) and he says her Islamic share should be more and it isn’t enough. It is his sister’s wedding coming up and he suggested HER parents pay for their tickets. He tells her she is useless. For his sister’s wedding he asked her if she would give some of her gold to her (gold my aunt and uncle gave my cousin).
My cousin is a qualified professional and gorgeous. He belittles her and is simply angry because he has to work while my cousin does not work- she wanted to have kids so quit her job. Now her family, having learned of the abuse from neighbours, have brought her home. She is terrified of divorce. I feel so helpless for her and don’t know how to help or what to say- she keeps saying she will become an old maid with no one- is that better than this treatment? Her parents don’t want her near him.
Please can people urgently help. Our family is devastated and doesn’t know what to do.
I posted a thread not long ago about my cousin whose in-laws behaved atrociously towards her during her wedding and stay in Pakistan. Things have now turned even worse for her. It was come to light that her husband does not want to work- his failure to not want to work has resulted in him picking fights with her over very minor issues. He also beats her. Her arms are covered in bruises and he has repeatedly choked her. She tells me that when he hits her she, in self defence, hits back but he is double her size. He slaps her face repeatedly. He calls her a prostitute (excuse my language please) and says that if it wasn't for him she would be sitting home her whole life. He says she goes and has sex with other men- this is untrue. He calls her black (she is fair) and says he is not attracted to her because she has 2 pimples. He expects sex twice a day everyday. She isn't allowed to socialise with friends or family. Her parents were going to give them $220,000 as a down payment for their first home (plus the $15,000 from her grandfather) and he says her Islamic share should be more and it isn't enough. It is his sister's wedding coming up and he suggested HER parents pay for their tickets. He tells her she is useless. For his sister's wedding he asked her if she would give some of her gold to her (gold my aunt and uncle gave my cousin).
My cousin is a qualified professional and gorgeous. He belittles her and is simply angry because he has to work while my cousin does not work- she wanted to have kids so quit her job. Now her family, having learned of the abuse from neighbours, have brought her home. She is terrified of divorce. I feel so helpless for her and don't know how to help or what to say- she keeps saying she will become an old maid with no one- is that better than this treatment? Her parents don't want her near him.
Please can people urgently help. Our family is devastated and doesn't know what to do.
Tell her to get a divorce. and run from the crazy uh word word word word right now.
She's an educated professional...obviously from an affluent family....she's terrified of divorce but not scared to go back to a physically abusive husband? Fears becoming an old maid? Does this mindset still exist in 2014???
I can't imagine any other solution for thsi situation besides divorce. What other alternative does she see? Does she really think her life with him will get better? Kids will make it better?
OP you're married, you know other married people: these aren't average everyday issues that married couples go through, or even stressful issues that two people who love each other can pull through--this is flat out abuse and there's absolutely no reason to stay with him and commit a slow suicide. Thank GOD her parents aren't forcing her to stay with him--there are lots of women who don't even have that kind of support and go through much worse.
She's an educated professional...obviously from an affluent family....she's terrified of divorce but not scared to go back to a physically abusive husband? Fears becoming an old maid? Does this mindset still exist in 2014???
I can see it happening. Given the amount and intensity of abuse he and his family have flung on her (didn't read how long they've been together), she's not thinking too clearly....and that's understandable. But it seems like the family is supportive and htey should help her get her mind together and be able to make the right decision for herself.
Thank you for your prompt replies everyone. He never appreciates anything Her or her family does for him. But she says she loves him (how, I don't know). This is a tragedy. But perhaps separation is best, her parents are getting her medical treatment.
Victims of abuse, no matter how educated and how strong they once were, lose themselves. Abuse tears you down so that you feel ashamed and worthless and cling to the only person giving you attention, your abuser. She is suffering mental, emotional, physical, and sexual abuse. It is devastating. She needs your help. She needs people to stand up for her, to give her perspective, to see reality again, to get out of the horrible version of life this man has put her in.
It is only a tragedy if people allow this to continue. Help her have hope. Things can change for the better. She has so many resources. She only needs to use them.
having been in an abusive marriage myself,I would say take a divorce.
do not trust her judgement, she has been through a lot of trauma and can't think clearly, also victims of domestic abuse get attached to their partners in a lot of cases and confuse it with love.
good that she is in her parents home, make sure she is not in contact with him in anyway.
reassure her, there are good men out there and a divorce doesn't necessarily mean she will never get remarried,
An old classmate of mine ended up in a marriage like this, she was an emotional wreck in just a few months, however, she had the courage to leave him,and this is pakistan I am talking about where divorce is much more of a stigma. She focused on her career , got married in 3 years or so to a very nice man, I saw her pics on facebook the other day, she has 2 kids MA and is living a happy life.
Or you could tell her about me, my husband was physically abusive but there were never any financial issues or sexual abuse, nor did he ever belittle me for my looks, having a child didn't make him change his ways either, after 8 years I left him and I am so happy, feel so alive
Do NOT let her go back to him again.
Touche, thank you for sharing your story. If you don't mind the intrusion, what is life like after divorce? How do you go from having a partner, your other half, to going back to your parents place where you shouldn't be after ruksathi? Sad it is , I can see things from her perspective as well. How can one deal with knowing they may very well be alone forever (no kids in this situation) and that one will never have kids, and when her parents pass on (May Allah give them long life), who will she have? She will be an old woman all alone.
Would he ever change? His father has said he will get him psych help and make him better but can people like this ever change? I feel for my cousin, our family, and even his father who is amazing.
My cousin also married into a pathaan family - is this normal behaviour for Pashtuns from Pakistan? To treat their wives beneath them? We are all in a desperate situation here and devastated beyond belief.
Curse the men who are cowards. She also has a chipped tooth from his beatings. She can't move without moaning, that's how much pain she is in after his beatings.
Touche, thank you for sharing your story. If you don't mind the intrusion, what is life like after divorce? How do you go from having a partner, your other half, to going back to your parents place where you shouldn't be after ruksathi? Sad it is , I can see things from her perspective as well. How can one deal with knowing they may very well be alone forever (no kids in this situation) and that one will never have kids, and when her parents pass on (May Allah give them long life), who will she have? She will be an old woman all alone.
Would he ever change? His father has said he will get him psych help and make him better but can people like this ever change? I feel for my cousin, our family, and even his father who is amazing.
My cousin also married into a pathaan family - is this normal behaviour for Pashtuns from Pakistan? To treat their wives beneath them? We are all in a desperate situation here and devastated beyond belief.
Come on, you know the answer to the question posed in your last paragraph. What ethnic group do you belong to? Are all people of your ethnic group the same? Are they all saints or are they all bad? My sister married into a Pathan family and mashaAllah they are very, very good people.
Nobody can tell you if he'll ever change. Allah knows best. The question I wanna know the answer to is did your cousin not see any signs or glimpses of his cheap mentality and volatile marriage prior to the wedding...esp if it was a love marriage? And this guy is not the only one who'll need a shrink, your cousin may need one too for the trauma she's been through.
RV, prior to ruksathi and following the engagement and nikkah period the guy was a saint - treating her like a princess, showering her with gifts and attention. Come the shadi and the issues explained in my previous thread occurred and from thereon in he underwent a complete transformation.
I myself am married to a pathaan. I have noticed that my husband is very different to my Punjabi (Pakistani) cousins and family friends and much stricter and there are many cultural differences. I feel as though pathaan men sometimes expect that their wives are somewhat below them.
Oh God , She is scared of being alone ?
Which she won't be InshAllah , but wouldn't being alone be a lot more better than being with someone who belittles her ? abuses her ?
and yes everyone here is right when they say she can't think clearly due to this intense torture that she has been through so she definitely needs a lot of support from her friends and family . You said she is qualified professional which means she can be financially stable if she wants to , so that means all that she depends others on is for moral support and nothing else . Did she already have any self-esteem issues before her marriage ?
If not , then I am sure its a phase that she will pass through with everyone's support and encouragement . Don't make her feel like she is a worthless creature who has to cling to her abusive husband for acceptance . I feel so bad for her . Almost all victims of abuse I have come across have somewhat similar pattern of thoughts and feelings . They feel they must have done something to deserve it , and they are the reason their abuser is behaving in such a way . They actually feel sorry for their abuser , assuming they must have caused such great damage that the abuser is compelled to react so fiercely. Hence they think its their moral obligation to stay with them and un-do these affects which obviously isn't true and not even possible .
Touche, thank you for sharing your story. If you don't mind the intrusion, what is life like after divorce? How do you go from having a partner, your other half, to going back to your parents place where you shouldn't be after ruksathi? Sad it is , I can see things from her perspective as well. How can one deal with knowing they may very well be alone forever (no kids in this situation) and that one will never have kids, and when her parents pass on (May Allah give them long life), who will she have? She will be an old woman all alone.
Would he ever change? His father has said he will get him psych help and make him better but can people like this ever change? I feel for my cousin, our family, and even his father who is amazing.
My cousin also married into a pathaan family - is this normal behaviour for Pashtuns from Pakistan? To treat their wives beneath them? We are all in a desperate situation here and devastated beyond belief.
Did you not read your own words in the initial post? This person is NOT going to change. You should be fearing for her life, not making excuses and being stupidly naive about this man.
I posted a thread not long ago about my cousin whose in-laws behaved atrociously towards her during her wedding and stay in Pakistan. Things have now turned even worse for her. It was come to light that her husband does not want to work- his failure to not want to work has resulted in him picking fights with her over very minor issues. He also beats her. Her arms are covered in bruises and he has repeatedly choked her. She tells me that when he hits her she, in self defence, hits back but he is double her size. He slaps her face repeatedly. He calls her a prostitute (excuse my language please) and says that if it wasn't for him she would be sitting home her whole life. He says she goes and has sex with other men- this is untrue. He calls her black (she is fair) and says he is not attracted to her because she has 2 pimples. He expects sex twice a day everyday. She isn't allowed to socialise with friends or family. Her parents were going to give them $220,000 as a down payment for their first home (plus the $15,000 from her grandfather) and he says her Islamic share should be more and it isn't enough. It is his sister's wedding coming up and he suggested HER parents pay for their tickets. He tells her she is useless. For his sister's wedding he asked her if she would give some of her gold to her (gold my aunt and uncle gave my cousin).
My cousin is a qualified professional and gorgeous. He belittles her and is simply angry because he has to work while my cousin does not work- she wanted to have kids so quit her job. Now her family, having learned of the abuse from neighbours, have brought her home. She is terrified of divorce. I feel so helpless for her and don't know how to help or what to say- she keeps saying she will become an old maid with no one- is that better than this treatment? Her parents don't want her near him.
Please can people urgently help. Our family is devastated and doesn't know what to do.
There is no excuse for an educated woman to tolerate such physical abuse. In fact, if a girl is educated, she should stand up for herself and set an example for other girls who are not as fortunate. In this case, she even has the support of her parents. She is not safe with him and if she has kids, they are not safe either.
It doesn't matter if she was educated or not. Do you not understand how much manipulation abusive people put others through? It's not you know one day a person suddenly decides to kill their partner. It's slow, so at first you won't notice. They start shifting your perception of reality. Slowly brainwashing you. You people are so easy to say "but she was educated!" well, it doesn't matter if she was educated or not. When a person is abused you can't see it when you are the one being abused.
It's not the victims responsibility to do anything. It is YOU the cousin who should do something. Tell her that she will not go back to the abusive husband that you love her too much to let her do that to herself. Tell her that you value her as a cousin and that you need her to be alive and even if the days seem dark now it won't be a month, a year or w/e.
Please stop emphasising on the fact that the victim should help themselves. Jeez, I want to live in the utopia you guys live in. Also, file a report to the police FGS. Stop thinking about family reputation and freaking do something.
Skip to the end if you can’t watch it all the way through..