Could you be good/close friends with someone completely different to you?

[shaasavera]

Re: Could you be good/close friends with someone completely different to you?

@Sara516

I used to think no, but I did become friends with someone of a background I never thought I would (not that I have anything against said background, just didn't think it'd happen). so I guess so. I think I said this in another thread, it's a matter of if you click with someone or not. Sometimes you can be perfect on paper, in "superficial" ways but not really be that close or hvae aa great friendship, and sometimes you can be total opposites but ....ya just click? it's hard to define what that click is..lol

I know what you mean. It's like the click of a seatbelt. It's like the perfect fit and you know you will be safe from accidents. However you never know when that seatbelt will get worn out such that you never get the click again :(

[shaasavera]

Re: Could you be good/close friends with someone completely different to you?

A Pakistani influenced by others is a gone case. Give up and find someone from Nepal to be friends with

Not to mention who would translate those difficult yet poetic Urdu words found in pakistani dramas. Google is not always that reliable.

[amber19]

Re: Could you be good/close friends with someone completely different to you?

I agree with that. Just because someone is same background doesn't mean they will make great friends. To let someone new come and spoil an ongoing long term friendship isn't tight either. I don't get why female friendships don't tend to last as long as male ones especially when issues interfere.

I think a lot of times those friendships are fake, one sided or both people don't really invest anything into the friendship. Some women even let old friendships go once they've found a guy or get too busy with kids, etc. I think if it's a relationship worth saving, then both sides will try to make it work. I think guys are more open and honest though, and often times very blunt in relationships. Women still need to work on that because we are always concerned with hurting a friend's feelings so will tell a white lie instead of the truth. Looking at my husband and his friends I've noticed they can share deep secrets with one another, discuss family problems and even rely on each other financially without it getting awkward or breaking the relationship. I've noticed though in many South Asian women that once many of them get married, friendships kind of fall apart or are forgotten. It's new priorities in life which I understand but I think it's important to hold onto those you make you happy and understand you.

[KKF]

Re: Could you be good/close friends with someone completely different to you?

^ what's your definition of a real/solid/best friendship?

friendship goes well as long as you stay in your current phase in life...you enter another phase, often friendship circle changes. it's like a companion on a trip...trip ends, friendship ends!...you start another journey, new friends join in.
**
jeevan chalne kaa naam
chalte raho subHo shaam
yeh rasta kaT jaayeegaa, Mitr aaj!
yeh baadal chhaT jaayegaa, Mitr aaj!**

Mitr = friend.

[shaasavera]

Re: Could you be good/close friends with someone completely different to you?

@amber19

I think a lot of times those friendships are fake, one sided or both people don't really invest anything into the friendship. Some women even let old friendships go once they've found a guy or get too busy with kids, etc. I think if it's a relationship worth saving, then both sides will try to make it work. I think guys are more open and honest though, and often times very blunt in relationships. Women still need to work on that because we are always concerned with hurting a friend's feelings so will tell a white lie instead of the truth. Looking at my husband and his friends I've noticed they can share deep secrets with one another, discuss family problems and even rely on each other financially without it getting awkward or breaking the relationship. I've noticed though in many South Asian women that once many of them get married, friendships kind of fall apart or are forgotten. It's new priorities in life which I understand but I think it's important to hold onto those you make you happy and understand you.

True. It's just that ive noticed in desi dramas and movies often you hear more of male friendships which last test of time but not so many female friendships which don't. They break because of petty issues but if it's a relationship worth saving both sides should put in effort. It just makes one wary of putting effort into a friendship next time in case it doesn't last. Females should be more blunt and open to friends even when they decide to end friendship. They don't tell the other. They keep them hanging. It's 4 days since my Eid greeting but no response yet. Not even to say she won't reply to it :( Many times i thought of her before myself and i went with her to events she wanted to go to like Pakistani society meetups so she wouldn't be alone. Even though i had studies and things to do and knew nothing of these events. i did enjoy them though. I chose a university for further studies which was in the state where she worked. She convinced me it would be great, we could be there for each other and there were hardly any other desis around. Now she's left and due to others decided not to be friends. We were going to watch the India vs Pakistan game in world cup near my bday next yr and got the tickets/flights. Usually we watch on tv in some venue but we were going to watch live since its in Australia. Now i just want to rip the tickets and i have no desire to watch cricket again. Now i'm not going to really rip it but i'll just sell it to a friend.

I agree with you about south asian women and friendships with after marriage. I wish desi females believed more in true friendship like desi guys. White girls seem to have more trust in friendship. It's hard to find people who understand you or who would be there for you/sacrifice things for the bond you share, so isn't it wise to hold onto those people.

Moral of the story. Don't put friends before yourself.

People probably think this is a really silly issue but for those going through broken friendship it's not so silly and neither are the emotions felt silly.

[shaasavera]

Re: Could you be good/close friends with someone completely different to you?

@KKF

^ what's your definition of a real/solid/best friendship?

friendship goes well as long as you stay in your current phase in life...you enter another phase, often friendship circle changes. it's like a companion on a trip...trip ends, friendship ends!...you start another journey, new friends join in. ** jeevan chalne kaa naam chalte raho subHo shaam yeh rasta kaT jaayeegaa, Mitr aaj! yeh baadal chhaT jaayegaa, Mitr aaj!**

Mitr = friend.

A real/solid friendship doesn't have to be like sholay but i feel today's generation doesn't know the meaning of friendship. A true/solid friendship doesn't look at race/nationality/religion but chooses friend based on their qualities and what they mean to you. It should last through all stages of life and be filled with more good memories than bad.
Also, if a friend wishes you on Eid you should always reply to them.

Nice poem.
I think true friends are rare so if you do find one who understands you, appreciates you, celebrates your joys without jealousy and is saddened by your sorrows hold onto them in all phases of life.
People always complain that true friends dont exist but then they don't value the ones who cross their path.

[redvelvet]

Re: Could you be good/close friends with someone completely different to you?

@shaasavera

Females should be more blunt and open to friends even when they decide to end friendship. They don't tell the other. They keep them hanging.

Yes, ideally people should let others know when they're no longer interested in maintaining a friendship. But in the real world, that usually does not happen because it gets messy. People believe that they want to know the reasons for rejection, but the truth is it takes guts to listen to those reasons because to hear the reason/s will cause pain and anger and defensiveness and maybe a shouting match. Sometimes people can't explain it, they just drift apart or find that they no longer click with the friends as they once did. I'm not saying that this is the reason behind your friend's behavior, but I brought it is because at times one may not know how to explain the reasons.

It's 4 days since my Eid greeting but no response yet. Not even to say she won't reply to it :(

Actions speak louder than the sweetest words. If you've noticed that this friend has been displaying a pattern of avoiding you for quite some time, then take that as a hint to stop counting the days that pass by of her not responding to your Eid wish...and move on with your life. Yes, it WILL hurt, but what hurts even more is to continue pursuing something that is bot being reciprocated. Each time you reach out to her with a b-day or Eid message....you will expect and wait for a response from her....and when she doesn't reply you will get hurt all over again So you're setting yourself up to get hurt.

Many times i thought of her before myself and i went with her to events she wanted to go to like Pakistani society meetups so she wouldn't be alone. Even though i had studies and things to do and knew nothing of these events. i did enjoy them though. I chose a university for further studies which was in the state where she worked.

*It is your fault that you put her wishes before her needs. You were not forced to do so. Next time, don't rush to sacrifice for others each time, it gets exhausting. Slow down and observe how vested the other person is in the friendship. She's a friend not a boyfriend for which should bend over backwards and even for a boyfriend you should not be doing this. *

She convinced me it would be great, we could be there for each other and there were hardly any other desis around. Now she's left and due to others decided not to be friends. We were going to watch the India vs Pakistan game in world cup near my bday next yr and got the tickets/flights. Usually we watch on tv in some venue but we were going to watch live since its in Australia. Now i just want to rip the tickets and i have no desire to watch cricket again. Now i'm not going to really rip it but i'll just sell it to a friend.

How much would you have enjoyed watching a game with a friend who would behave strangely with you the whole time? Best to watch the game with another person.

I agree with you about south asian women and friendships with after marriage. I wish desi females believed more in true friendship like desi guys. White girls seem to have more trust in friendship. It's hard to find people who understand you or who would be there for you/sacrifice things for the bond you share, so isn't it wise to hold onto those people.

*People don't sacrifice in the same way. However if you've been noticing that a certain friend usually doesn't even meet you halfway...then reconsider whether you should always devote a 100% of yourself all the time and ask yourself why you do this. *

Moral of the story. Don't put friends before yourself.

*Yup. That said, the time that you are wasting thinking about her and analyzing what went wrong and counting how many days of her silence have lapsed since your Eid Mubarak wish, use that time for your own goals and needs. Put yourself first. *

People probably think this is a really silly issue but for those going through broken friendship it's not so silly and neither are the emotions felt silly.

It's not silly to mourn the loss of a friendship, but if you let this get in the way of living your life....especially when said friend is been distancing herself for quite some time, then your priorities need readjusting.

[bella_Rouge]

Re: Could you be good/close friends with someone completely different to you?

Friendship can be with anyone provided you understand eachother and want to be friends. If I were you I would stop feeding her arrogance and sieze contact to see if she makes an effort to get in touch, the door swings both ways. If she doesn't the answer is clear. It's difficult when you fall out with friends but such is life, take it as a lesson for next time and remember to not lose yourself completely to anyone that when they move on it seems like the end of an era.

[system]

Re: Could you be good/close friends with someone completely different to you?

You can, it is indeed very possible. It's a two way thing , if you want to be friends with them and they want to be friends with you then most other things are secondary. It's possible to get along and sometimes even develop a strong meaningful bond with people who are different to us.

[COLD_FIRE]

Re: Could you be good/close friends with someone completely different to you?

Could you be good friends with someone completely different to you?

Yes ofcourse. I have very good terms with my cat. We play xbox together, hang around in the parks and wag our tails at the beauties passing by. All's good.

[shaasavera]

Re: Could you be good/close friends with someone completely different to you?

@COLD_FIRE

Could you be good friends with someone completely different to you?

Yes ofcourse. I have very good terms with my cat. We play xbox together, hang around in the parks and wag our tails at the beauties passing by.All's good.

wow. such dosti. kya friendship hai. i should have got a cat to discuss dramas and watch cricket matches with.

[shaasavera]

Re: Could you be good/close friends with someone completely different to you?

@bella_Rouge

Friendship can be with anyone provided you understand eachother and want to be friends. If I were you I would stop feeding her arrogance and sieze contact to see if she makes an effort to get in touch, the door swings both ways. If she doesn't the answer is clear. It's difficult when you fall out with friends but such is life, take it as a lesson for next time and remember to not lose yourself completely to anyone that when they move on it seems like the end of an era.

Lesson learnt the hard way. I think you're right i should stop contact. I have stopped but my mind wanders wondering what her reasons were. True friendship can be found with anyone but sometimes you think you have a special friendship then you lose it makes you really doubt friendships. Especially when u have a deep friendship of 9 years that falls out. Where i live there are not that many Pakistani females. I do have many Pakistani friends online less so in real life. I don't even know if i will come across another in real life or when it will happen or if it will ever be the same as a friendship which lasted 9 years and through so many formative moments of life. I know i will be less likely to sacrifice my own priorities for any friendship with anyone of any background in the future.

[chanduchamaar]

Re: Could you be good/close friends with someone completely different to you?

Ladies and gents have different notions of friendship.
As far as my male friends are concerned, we never call each other unless we need each other's help (except when we're high), very rarely do we chat, still some of them are my best friends, better friends than the ones i currently stay with. When we meet, we can talk like we've been living together forever.
On the other hand, my female friends will give me a lot of **** if i don't call them or chat with them once in a week. "You've forgotten your friends, you're selfish bla bla blah..." I tell them to deal with it. I just can't converse with someone without a genuine reason.

[shaasavera]

Re: Could you be good/close friends with someone completely different to you?

@redvelvet

It’s not silly to mourn the loss of a friendship, but if you let this get in the way of living your life…especially when said friend is been distancing herself for quite some time, then your priorities need readjusting.
Yes, ideally people should let others know when they’re no longer interested in maintaining a friendship. But in the real world, that usually does not happen because it gets messy. People believe that they want to know the reasons for rejection, but the truth is it takes guts to listen to those reasons because to hear the reason/s will cause pain and anger and defensiveness and maybe a shouting match. Sometimes people can’t explain it, they just drift apart or find that they no longer click with the friends as they once did. I’m not saying that this is the reason behind your friend’s behavior, but I brought it is because at times one may not know how to explain the reasons.

*Actions speak louder than the sweetest words. If you’ve noticed that this friend has been displaying a pattern of avoiding you for quite some time, then take that as a hint to stop counting the days that pass by of her not responding to your Eid wish…and move on with your life. Yes, it WILL hurt, but what hurts even more is to continue pursuing something that is bot being reciprocated. Each time you reach out to her with a b-day or Eid message…you will expect and wait for a response from her…and when she doesn’t reply you will get hurt all over again So you’re setting yourself up to get hurt.

**It is your fault that you put her wishes before her needs. You were not forced to do so. Next time, don’t rush to sacrifice for others each time, it gets exhausting. Slow down and observe how vested the other person is in the friendship. She’s a friend not a boyfriend for which should bend over backwards and even for a boyfriend you should not be doing this. **

**How much would you have enjoyed watching a [GAME

file:///C:\Users\Anusha\AppData\Local\Temp\msohtmlclip1\01\clip_image001.png](http://www.paklinks.com/gs/) with a friend who would behave strangely with you the whole time? Best to watch the game with another person.**

**People don’t sacrifice in the same way. However if you’ve been noticing that a certain friend usually doesn’t even meet you halfway…then reconsider whether you should always devote a 100% of yourself all the time and ask yourself why you do this. **

**Yup. That said, the time that you are wasting thinking about her and analyzing what went wrong and counting how many days of her silence have lapsed since your Eid Mubarak wish, use that time for your own goals and needs. Put yourself first. ***

Thanks for the reply. I do appreciate it and the time and effort you put into it. Hard to hear but to the point and realistic. I won’t mourn it forever but maybe just a month or 2 before i get over it. Distancing is fine if there is a reason and you give the person a reason. Yes, it may be hard to hear the reasons but at least the choice must be given. I think i would feel better if i knew the reasons. SHe may want to avoid hurting me but i think i will feel less hurt if i knew the reasons for rejection. It would make me wonder less and give closure. I think i can handle any reasons for rejection. That’s what i think for now anyway.I’m not into shouting matches or harsh words so if someone comes clean with real reasons i appreciate it.

It does hurt when something is not reciprocated but at the same time i feel like her actions shouldn’t affect how i act. As long as im not doing anything harmful to her it shouldn’t matter. Sending her an Eid greeting or bday greetings shouldn’t be a big deal. I should still keep up my end of the friendship. They do say do good and don’t think about it. Although with time im probably less inclined to send messages if i don’t get responses.

It was my fault to put her before myself. I think you get the type of friend you are. So if im a good friend i will get good friends in return. Not always true though. Then i think if other person is not acting the same my actions may transform them. Boyfriend? I thought good friends or those of belonging to any relationship think of others before themselves. That’s what makes any relationship stand out. that reminds me she did ditch my bday to hang out with a rishta potential which did not work out in the hand. When it didn’t work out i was there to console her. Just reminds me how silly my actions seem now.

I probably wouldn’t enjoy the game. even now i dont think i will enjoy watching the game at all even with someone else.
I’ve realised the hard way sacrifice is not worth it. I need to reconsider before devoting my time to people. I’m going to try not to think about it and waste more time. Easier said than done. It’s hard though because each time i watch a Pakistani drama i think of her as she introduced me to them. My parents watch Pakistani dramas regularly and i like to watch as well which makes it hard.
I can’t tell my other friends or even my parents because i dont want them to have a negative image of her when they’ve had a positive image. She is a good girl who just got influenced in a wrong direction.

[shaasavera]

Re: Could you be good/close friends with someone completely different to you?

@chanduchamaar

Ladies and gents have different notions of friendship. As far as my male friends are concerned, we never call each other unless we need each other's help (except when we're high), very rarely do we chat, still some of them are my best friends, better friends than the ones i currently stay with. When we meet, we can talk like we've been living together forever. On the other hand, my female friends will give me a lot of **** if i don't call them or chat with them once in a week. "You've forgotten your friends, you're selfish bla bla blah..." I tell them to deal with it. I just can't converse with someone without a genuine reason.

Yehi to dhuk ki baat hai. They have different notions of friendship. Even guy-girl friendships are different. I understand what you are saying about your female friends..but i don't think im needy. Yes girls talk more to their female friends. They like to keep in touch, see how the other person is and all. Even then i don't expect a call once a week..in fact our lives have been busy and we have not talked for a while. I do expect her to return messages such as Eid greetings like she does every year. Yet i know the people she is associating with in connection to this new rishta are conservative and may not approve of our friendship because we are different background.

When i meet her i also feel like we've been friends for a long time and we get along really easily. We just understand each other. Politics,cricket matches etc nothing has affected our friendship. I just don't understand why it had to go wrong. Aur jo dhuk mujhe ho raha hai woh express bhi nahi kar sakti theek se. This might seem trivial compared to rishta/mil talk but its not for me.

What is considered a genuine reason? Is keeping in touch, knowing what is happening in the other's lives, wishing each other on special days not genuine enough reasons.

[chanduchamaar]

Re: Could you be good/close friends with someone completely different to you?

Why do you have to think so much about it? May be she's just too busy to reply.

[shaasavera]

Re: Could you be good/close friends with someone completely different to you?

@chanduchamaar

Why do you have to think so much about it? May be she's just too busy to reply.

It's 4 days and she has never taken so long to reply to my Eid messages. Also, before that she had become a bit distanced from me.
But before that we had an awesome friendship. She is Pakistani and i am of Indian background but we totally got each other and conversations flowed easy. I like Pakistani dramas and songs..she was ok with Bollywood movies/songs and was interested in India as she had few relatives from there pre-partition. I have an interest in Pakistan. We were going to travel subcontinent together, we've watched India vs Pakistan games together and next yr were going to watch the world cup game together. we thought alike in terms of politics and social issues. Now im just losing an interest in things.

It was the type of friendship most Indians dream about but not all are lucky to get. I was lucky to have found such a friend.

I remember in your first thread you also craved such a friendship. I also had a dream/craving/fantasy of such a friendship.

@chanduchamaar

I scrolled through various other threads and i found out some interesting discussions and really mature people I have had some pretty stupid misconceptions about Pakistan most of which were cleared gradually as I grew up. It might sound cliched(coming from an Indian) but i have had this childhood fantasy of making awesome Pakistani friends, talking to them, sharing each other's thoughts/beliefs about cultures, religion, societies etc and if possible even meeting them. It would be so great. I'm totally new to this forum and hence am unable connect to most of the things here. I just want to let you all know that I do not have an agenda and am here just to spend some quality time and also learn a thing or two. That's all folks, have an awesome night.

I found this type of friendship minus the penpal aspect. It was literally amazing. I have plenty of online Pakistani friends but they all live far away. She was the main friend i had who i knew in real life. Now i will never find (or be very unlikely) to find such a friendship again in real life.

[Southie]

Re: Could you be good/close friends with someone completely different to you?

RV is back in form. Nice advice. Nothing to add except

Good/close friends - what is that?
Dhol + violin : another definition for synergy

[shaasavera]

Re: Could you be good/close friends with someone completely different to you?

@Southie

RV is back in form. Nice advice. Nothing to add except

Good/close friends - what is that? Dhol + violin : another definition for synergy

dost jo kareeb ho
dhol+violin- west and east fusion

[Southie]

Re: Could you be good/close friends with someone completely different to you?

That's good!

Seriously though, you know you have to step back. If it is meant to last, it will. Yes 9 years is a long time. But think about it this way. Maybe it will help - it is very rare to have friends for 9 years. Consider that a blessing. You enriched each other. Both of you were richer through that experience. No one can take that away.

Allow yourself two months to mourn. After that your mom should come after you with a broom to straighten you out.