Re: Could you be good/close friends with someone completely different to you?
Being friends with someone just because she is Pakistani might not be the best way to approach friendship. Then again, when you were friends, you seemed to have gone out of your way to keep the friendship bond strong but think about it, did she ever put as much into the friendship as you did?
I was friends with a girl that just came from Bangladesh and she had no family members here in the States so I offered to teach her how to drive and always called her to see if she needed my help since she didn't have a car of her own. But what I didn't realize was that she never ever showed that need to keep the friendship going. She was very superficial and I realized afterwards was friends with me because another person wanted me to have a companion during my dark, painful times. This other person is a guy (the one I was talking about in my previous post, who didn't leave to live in another country but left to get married this month so I'm distancing myself from him because I don't keep in touch with married, attached men(just a personal rule of mine no matter how strong the friendship bond was) and when he wasn't around anymore for a few months, she just dropped me. Didn't return calls.
I don't know if she liked him or did it just because he was friends with her husband but whatever the reason, it was not because she cared for me or wanted my friendship. I looked out for her and because she had no family members here I was hoping she would see me as a sister. I don't think I looked deep enough at what the friendship really was from her side. I even offered to teach her to speak English so she wouldn't have trouble integrating into American society.
You're right in that true, caring, special friendships either with men or women are hard to find. With men, after they do the marriage thing, it's sienora sirji for me. Desi women tend to put their all including their whole being, their lives into their marriages so they forget about their female friends or this particular one did. I guess even with female friendships like with love relationships, tread carefully atleast in the beginning and don't give your heart out so easily. We shouldn't be so desperate for companionship and on top of that desperate to make friends with someone just because they are Kashmiri or Punjabi or Pakistani in general.
You're right. It's not the right way to go about things. The main foundation of the friendship was having common interests in movies/songs, being able to effortlessly talk about anything, being loyal, trustworthy and reliable. Her being desi and Pakistani on top of it was just icing on the friendship cake. I don't know why communication is so hard. I guess I did give more then i got back. At times though she was there for me when i needed a listening ear and was going through some tough times. She was ready to meet up with me at short notice when i was going through some family tragedy. I guess like with any friendship/relationship one person seems to be more of the one to give than the other. It is never equal.
That was very nice of you to make that girl feel welcome. It was selfish on her part to forget all the times you sacrificed time for her in helping her to drive. Also coming to her help when she needed it just showed what a dedicated friend you were to her. People only really realise what they have lost when they are in trouble and after they have lost it. They never appreciate what is in front of them. I have experienced that a few times when people use a friend's resources but are only interested in material benefits such as you being able to drive them to places or accompany them rather than being there for you when you need it. It seems she was doing it just because of the guy. Good rule regarding married guys. I personally avoid becoming close friends with guys in real life. It's just hard to interpret intentions.
I guess we learn about friendship which is unrealistic in movies and TV. The chances of such a selfless friendship appearing in real life is less likely. I do think she did it because he was friends with her husband. She used your emotions and caring nature for her own benefit. She should see you as a sister and i'm sorry you had to go through that. I think in hindsight we can all think of incidents but at the time none of this appears to us. I think you really went out of your way for her. Did she ever do anything that expressed her appreciation of your friendship? Did she ever treat you or make your favourite sweets or something? I think sometimes we go out of our way for newcomers who are desi but they do not always reciprocate. I had made an Indian friend fresh from India. I wanted to help her settle and introduce her to local ways. I offered her to drive her to places she need to go to and she watched movies with me. Later i noticed she would only call me when her and her male friend wanted to go to places. I felt uncomfortable with that. Another Indian friend i made was more sisterly. She didn't have a car so i suggested we go shopping together. I scheduled my shopping times when she was free and always asked my parents to bring her fav food when they came over. In return she would cook food for me as well when i was busy and make my fav sweets. When i visited India and was near her city she made a special effort to visit where i was staying and to meet me.Now she has gone back and i've lost contact.
In reality it is hard to find those caring, special friendships that we often see. With guys i don't think close special friendships are possible especially when they get married. True about desi women. The only ones who don't are those that have an identity before marriage. A separate identity. Even then their whole worth seems to be determined by the success of a marriage that everything else becomes peripheral to it. I also don't get why some desi female friends get so easily jealous of each other instead of being happy when the other does well. There are very few who think about happiness of their friend above their own. Good advice but it's hard not to give a heart out that easily when you find someone you just click with. Desperation is always a bad sign but sometimes you just want to replace what is lost.
Kya baat hai. Aap ki Bangladeshi friend aur meri Pakistani friend. It's like a subcontinental story. I wonder if there is something historical in this.
