I read that he knew about her tattoos prior to marriage. But where has she said that her husband ALSO knew about her tank tops and her non-halal diet prior to marriage? I'm not challenging you here....I am genuinely curious as to whether he knew about ALL her habits prior to marriage or if he found out about some of them only recently.
I read this and assume she told him everything.
Hmm before marriage he accepted everything i told him and didnt make a big deal out of it. After marriage he started acting like my parent more than partner. So i guess that would be a no?
I even told him i am hanging out with my guy friends and kid was chill. Then after marriage he was like "you are married now."
There's a difference between saying "I'm not practicing" and "I don't believe"...because there are people who don't practice but they believe islam is the truth. Maybe settling abroad took priority over faith. You are right in saying that patience and kindness is more likely to bring her to Islam than force. But at the same time, her own reasonings are not mature, Mirch. She refuses to meet her husband halfway for things that even non-Muslim spouses will compromise with their partners for. I wonder why some parents in the West think that only a bahu or damaad from Pakistan can help reform their wayward child? Do they not think from the angle that is easier to practice Islam in a country that is majority Muslim? And therefore perhaps a guy or girl that lives the West...who despite the temptations and conflicting macro-culture of the West....still managed to adhere to Islam might serve as stronger inspiration for their wayward son/daughter? I dunno. Or maybe it's wrong to wonder these things only Allah can both open and guide one's heart to Islam...and maybe marriages (including this one) are among the things predestined.
True. He did accept her this way before marriage. But I don't see his requests as suppressing or crazy as OP is making it out to be.
I think the OP comes across as somewhat selfish...and if she truly is that selfish, she'd have made a better choice for herself in a life partner.
He is not right but I guess I fail to see how that releases her from her responsibility to make good choices...to take shaadi seriously...to honor commitments...to realize that marriage is not a mere friendship...etc.
Life before marriage and after marriage is DRAMATICALLY different...no matter how many guarantees you ask for...there are none aside from the pact you make with Allah swt to make it work.
He accepted her as she is now he is breaking his contact , she did not promise that she is going to change to his vision that is why she told him everything about her. She is not breaking any promise.
I am keeping religion out of this because she does not have strong bond with religion anyway. So at this point religion is not a game changer for her. The only thing which can work with her is love , compassion , a lot of nurturing. He made compromises before the nikha he has to be make lots of compromises if he is committed to her and his religious beliefs. Nothing else is going to work in this situation other than she wakes up one fine morning and realizes that she is wrong and he is right and she loves him so much that she wants to do everything his way. This kind of chemistry and spark is not present in this marriage made in hell.
She is asking how to deal with a hubby who is conservative and who knew what he is getting into but now he is back paddling. The simple answer is give in to his demands that is what her parents wanted too. Argue with him about him being wrong she being right and convince him ultimately that her way is the right way. Middle of the road approach for her is to be responsible wife, responsible daughter and responsible muslim and make some compromises. Like stop eating jhatka in Canada finding decent halal food is not so difficult. Do not get any more tattoos. Stop going out with male friends and hang around female friends only how difficult it is to do so. Looks like the problem here is not what he is asking for the problem is the way he is asking for and the stage he is asking at. He thinks that nakha nama has given him ownership rights to her life and lifestyle , love shove is all bakwas , he thinks he loves her so it is enough for her to change for him.
There's a difference between saying "I'm not practicing" and "I don't believe"...because there are people who don't practice but they believe islam is the truth. Who knows? Maybe he was more interested in settling abroad. Maybe that took priority over faith for him.
no denying it. That is what I said in one of my posts , he got into this relationship just for the chance to settle abroad. He thought once he is married he will own her and will be able to mold her the way he wants and will get legal status in Canada and they will both live happily ever after. Instead of working to make it all happen he is rushing.
He accepted her as she is now he is breaking his contact , she did not promise that she is going to change to his vision that is why she told him everything about her. She is not breaking any promise.
I am keeping religion out of this because she does not have strong bond with religion anyway. So at this point religion is not a game changer for her. The only thing which can work with her is love , compassion , a lot of nurturing. He made compromises before the nikha he has to be make lots of compromises if he is committed to her and his religious beliefs. Nothing else is going to work in this situation other than she wakes up one fine morning and realizes that she is wrong and he is right and she loves him so much that she wants to do everything his way. This kind of chemistry and spark is not present in this marriage made in hell.
She is asking how to deal with a hubby who is conservative and who knew what he is getting into but now he is back paddling. The simple answer is give in to his demands that is what her parents wanted too. Argue with him about him being wrong she being right and convince him ultimately that her way is the right way. Middle of the road approach for her is to be responsible wife, responsible daughter and responsible muslim and make some compromises. Like stop eating jhatka in Canada finding decent halal food is not so difficult. Do not get any more tattoos. Stop going out with male friends and hang around female friends only how difficult it is to do so. Looks like the problem here is not what he is asking for the problem is the way he is asking for and the stage he is asking at. He thinks that nakha nama has given him ownership rights to her life and lifestyle , love shove is all bakwas , he thinks he loves her so it is enough for her to change for him.
This is soo on point. I dont mind eating halal and not hanging out with guys. I mind him trying to shove his viewpoint on me. I mind him giving me an opinion and expecting me to follow through on it and not make my own opinions. I mind him trying to make my voew by himself and not letting me develop and make my own viewpoint. I mind him making ALL the decisions without taking my points into cconsideration. I mind him being a hypocrtie. I mind him for always trying to get his way and not even try to meet me halfway cause i am always wrong and he is always "right".
Where was your resistance then which you are showing now?
It was broken down by alot of blackmail and guilt tripping. If someone is constantly bashing **** abt you in your head and then at the same time making marriage look like its the best thing in the world, your views tend to skew.
I think the whole reason why my parents pushed so hard for marriage was because i was soo against arranged, and they knew tht.
It was broken down by alot of blackmail and guilt tripping. If someone is constantly bashing **** abt you in your head and then at the same time making marriage look like its the best thing in the world, your views tend to skew.
I think the whole reason why my parents pushed so hard for marriage was because i was soo against arranged, and they knew tht.
In a world dominated by manufacturers from China... once broken will always remain broken. Sorry nothing can be done now. On top of everything, even the warranty is void now. (I hope so!)
I dont have issues with Islam. I have an issue when it is imposed upon me.
If you want to stay with him, its your job to work it out.
Islam or no Islam...Muslim or not...having male friends, getting tattoos, eating non-halal, etc can be issues in any marriage. Lots of things that can compare and be on the same level.
Habits that are not compatible in each other's lifestyles can be issues.
Be an adult...work it out if you want to stay with him.
Are tattoos, hanging out with guys, and wearing tank tops worth fighting with your husband? I didn't think so either. He isn't asking you to take on Hijab or stop hanging out with your family or friends. If you are spending more time hanging out with friends than him, it's an issue. Those things you mentioned aren't really worth the arguments you are having. Make those changes for him. These things don't define an individual anyway.
OP, you are only 20 years old, truth be told, your underlying personality (such as religious beliefs and morals) is yet to be fully developed. and when it does (in a few years most likely) the outer layers of your personality will continue to change (such as your favorite color or food). with that being said, who is to say soon enough you will be one who might become the more conservative one, and he might change the other way around and become more open (hypothetically)? then do you still have an issue because he is different than you?
learn to pick your battles. not everything can be 100% perfect all the time, and having disagreements is a normal, healthy thing in relationships. but, if at the end of the day, he is caring, looks out for you, etc etc... if that outweighs this issue you have, then it might be better to not stress about it. as another poster mentioned, he is not making you become ultra conservative, he is only suggesting things to you, but never forces anything on you. so he is already mending himself and his ways, you should be able to do the same.
This is soo on point. I dont mind eating halal and not hanging out with guys. I mind him trying to shove his viewpoint on me. I mind him giving me an opinion and expecting me to follow through on it and not make my own opinions. .
In what way do you want him to express his view/opinions to you...so that it doesn't come across as shoving to you? The thing is that when we are very defensive and adamant about something.....even if the other person was to express their opposing opinion calmly and nicely....it'll still sound like shoving and lecturing.
If you mind him giving an opinion to you....then what are you going to do? Cuz people have opinions all the time. Not just ur husband. Including you. Everybody has opinions.
People generally feel that's insufficient to tell someone that something is wrong or they shouldn't do it. It can work with an infant. But when u r dealing with am adult, the other feels the need to explain why a certain action is wrong so you understand where they're coming from and so that they're opinion doesn't read as just bossiness. I think that's a normal reaction. If I were to disagree with a friend or my sister or parent or coworker on something, I'll explain my reasons behind it and that's a natural thing to do. But if you are not open to religion, then you will interpret every explanation of his as "shoving/lecturing/self-righteousness"....whereas his intention might be that he's trying to explain why be holds a certain view.
1) i didnt know he was this religious and would go control freaky on me
2) infaturation has to do with the chemicals in your brain. I was attracted to him and wanted tobe attractive to him and cause i thought i was soo gross i was way focused on my appearance.
3) i do have tattoos. And he knew abt them before we got married. Now he has a problem with me getting more done. But i will. Making eyebrows has the same ruling, doesnt stop the millions of pakistani females from making them. Plus im not attached with religion.
4) my mom wore sarees with short blouses, and this was back in the day in PK, and she wearsburqa's, my dad has never objected to either of those things because he respects that her choice of clothing is exactly that, her choice.
5) i dont have a strong relationship with islam. I wojld barely call myself a muslim... the only reason why i havent left yet is because i havent done a thorough inspection of it yet. My questions recieve lame responses or remain unanswered. The parts i have read up on it arent exactly convincing. Like the lot my parents raised me with is nice but the parts i have read is not entirely convincing. So y should i give up my desires in this life for something that might or might not be?
Point 5. You say you barely call yourself Muslim. The "demands" your husband has made (and you mentioned in point 1 that hes religious) are pretty much all based on an islamic understanding. No tattoos, cause theyre haram. No hanging out with guys. Also haram. No tank tops. Modesty is a big thing in islam. No eating food that is not halal. Hes just telling you what you should be doing as a Muslim. If you're having a hard time with agreeing with his stance then that's you having an issue with Islam.
Plus it looks like you don't have any inclination to follow Islam anytime soon. I think you need to tell him that. A Muslim especially a practising one will want his spouse to also be practising. If not now then definitely in the future. What about kids? He'll want them raised Muslim. Will you object?
Because making a relationship work has nothing to do with religion. Nearly everything has nothing to do with religion depending on how you look. You know what they say, things change the way you look at them.
@sammi4ever since you asked for it therefore my advise to you is that have a straight talk to him, a woman to a man. Tell him Hey I see your viewpoint, I know where you are coming from I was raised in a Muslim family and around Muslims, I know all about it but at this point I am not ready to change anything about me. I know I can die tomorrow and from your perspective end up in hell fire forever but I am willing to take this chance, you will not be blamed for it anyway here or in hereafter if there is any. Like many other people you have told me what is right or what is wrong and fulfilled your obligation. Now let us put our efforts in making this marriage work. I will be your wife and I will be loyal to you forever. I would do everything to make your life peaceful and joyous. I expect you to do the same. You did not impose any conditions before our wedding. Please do not impose any conditions for our marriage to work. I am also not imposing any conditions either. I live in a society where men and woman have equal rights men or women are not considered superior to each other. I expect you to keep that in mind. For me this is the only way go forward. If you have anything against what I am saying then we are not made for each other.
Can you be so bold and honest? If yes well and good. If you cannot be that bold and honest then you would have to change your stance and go for what he is saying.
Keep this in mind if your marriage ends because you are so liberal and he is so conservative then it will be hard for you to get married to another honest, sincere , loving , caring desi man. Desi community is very small therefore very soon everybody would find out what happened.
You might be able to find some non desi person second time around who would agree to your lifestyle and mindset but that will be temporary fun and game.
It is getting harder and harder for divorced desi woman to find perfect match for life.