conservative hubby

Lifestyle Relationships
61

Re: conservative hubby

Reha,
Very humbly I would say that you are missing a lot here. She said he accepted her with all this before nikah. He knew she was raised in West, she has no problem eating jhatka, he knew she had tattoos, he knew her upbringing is very liberal.
Now all of sudden after the nikah "husband ko eman key light nazar aa gai aur uss key ankhain khul gain". Now he wants to bring her to right path by reminding her of her duties as a wife which in his mind it to obey all his commands unconditionally. It is very unfair with her. If he wants to change her he has to win her heart and mind then he will not have to remind her of any wifely duties. He wants to use coercion to change her that too, long distance. It ain't going to work and it ain't happening. He is behaving like a jahil husband. She is still a teenager (mentally) this strategy of his is not going to work with her she is already rebelling against even the religion he believes in and she has serious doubts about religion.
Obviously she for some reason took this marriage to be some kind of fun and game , some kind of glamour, now since the game is over and the reality is setting in she needs to be inducted into this reality with lots of love, care and nurturing. If he cannot do that then I do not see this relationship going a long way , I pray to Allah that I am wrong in this vision of mine.

62

Re: conservative hubby

Maybe that is the issue. Religion becomes the starting and ending point for South Asians. In the west, they are more balanced. If the spouses have different belief systems, it is not considered a show stopper.

Statistically the vast majority of South Asian husband's to be (HTB) would have watched at least one Bollywood or Lollywood or Kollywood movie where ample skin and sub-ample clothing are shown. Forget about the next level - let us wink wink and give the HTB the benefit of the doubt that none of them has watched a neela movie or educational documentary of the gupt gyan variety.

Not clear what leg these fine gentlemen are standing on to make such demands with a straight face - straighter than a Gavaskar straight drive.

63

Re: conservative hubby

Obviously she is not mature and she is rebellious. What she is saying , doing and acting up is all rebellion against someone who initially accepted her with all this and he is now bullying her on the authority of a nikah nama. He is starting at the tail end of the issue. He has to be very patient now. He cannot bring a rebellious kid from West to obey his commands by bullying her. These kids are trained and raised to reject all kind of bullying.

64

Re: conservative hubby

He needs to watch more than 10 of those Bolly , Lolly and Kollywood movies. And he is putting his foot down because he has watched lots of nela movies and he wants to make sure that she stays her property going forward.
Obviously he does not believe in power of love he believes in danda of nikah.

65

Re: conservative hubby

Agree with all your post. After reading all the posts and some more from OP, I think he took this huge responsibility upon her parents' request who feared their daughter might turn "bad" and thought getting her a "good" husband will keep her away from sins (her own relevation). Please also see wher she said he is a good guy. I read it all later. So actually she is very lucky to have a good natured guy as her husband who is not bullying her. While the parents' did the best for her by finding her a good human and they were not wrong in their decision, nobody can keep her protected if she herself does not want to be.

and you're right about using wrong tools to take on this challenge is not going to help. The best of relationships in mature adults end up with misunderstandings, doubt and bitterness through long distance communication. How can a rebellious 20 year old with mind of a 13 year old and a young simple and "good guy" be expected to develop a good understanding between them over phone/skype??? People tend to overlook little things which matter a lot in making and breaking a relationship. Little things like bad communication in which you feel no emotions, see no body language and act as per the "voice" you hear. Like she said she agreed to marry him because she liked him and was attracted to him. I'm sure if he would be telling her the same things which he is telling her now while physically being in her company, she would most probably agree to all that he tells her because she likes him. But on phone she does not see his emotions, his charm, feel warmth of his words hence she is taking him and the marriage like a robotic / roommate kind of situation she might have dealt with earlier with other guys.

66

Re: conservative hubby

Let's look at bullying from another angle, shall we? Forget for a moment that you consider her a western "kid." Cuz even kids can engage on bullying of their own; it's not confined to any age group.

Is it ALL about using the authority of a nikkah nama? I don't think so. Much of it has to do with common sense.

I think even among non-Muslim couples....spouses make an effort to avoid those things which make them appear physically less attractive to their partners. The basics of which include things like oral hygeine, showering, looking nice. And this can include tattoos as well. Tattoos need not be only a religious issue. There are many non-religious folks out there who don't find body stamps appealing. So I think that even a non-Muslim wife would attempt to avoid something that would puts off her husband from her physically.

But she has basically told her husband that she absolutely will get more tattoos and that he must accept them. She's imposing on him. So, who's being the "bully" here? I'd say she is. Why can she also not be seen as a bully?

Husband ki dafa...we use the term bullying....and wife ki dafa we "downplay" it by saying that she's immature and stubborn?

Wife ki dafa we sympathize saying that her western upbringing has influenced her heavily and therefore he must be patient with her. Errr.....husband is also a product of his Desi upbringing.....and so Sammi should also be advised in being patient with him. Upbringing ka influence to dono taraf hai.

Maybe if she felt "love" for him, then she herself would not feel comfortable with her husband hanging out with female friends....even if she isn't religious. But she is not "in love" with her husband and that's why she prolly wouldn't care who he hangs out with and doesn't care enough to respect his wishes either. Even among non-Muslim married couples....the reasons behind avoiding close friendships of the opposite gender are not religious. They're based on potential of human nature.

Does she live in a dessert or a humid country, deprived of air conditioning....that she's allowing something like tank top to define her personality or rather individuality? That she's treating it almost like a life and death matter?

Why do you not see Sammi's attitude as bullying? She's taking non-issues and making a mountain out of them...and she is imposing her beliefs on her husband too. Bullies are stubborn and rebellious. So when you describe her as stubborn and rebellious....why can't these behaviors also be seen as a bullying?

It doesn't seem like she wants to give this marriage a shot. If her parents ALREADY know about her tattoos, her tanks, her non-halal eating habits......then why did they not search for a guy with similar, liberal views? Why does her mom keep telling her that her husband will be "good" for her? Why does her mom think that a guy soooo opposite her daughter will be good for her....? This seems to indicate that maybe her parents will not be accepting of a damaad who is liberal like their daughter.

So, this raises the question....that if her parents themselves insisted on a conservative husband for her......then will she struggle to get their approval to marry a guy who is more liberal? If her parents believe a religious guy is best......then that is the type of guy that they will continue to search for. So then maybe she's better off finding a guy on her own and hoping that her parents accept him. But if she doesn't have the courage to stand up to parents....as she didn't with this marriage...them she should quit her own "bullying" and pick n choose her battles. This goes for her husband too.

They both need to compromise. But I wouldn't accuse only the husband of all the bullying. Sometimes those who were raised not to accept bully and imposition....may find themselves doing the same actions.

67

Re: conservative hubby

Being stubborn is not same as bullying. Appeal to strike portions of the post relating stubbornness to bullying, if it pleases the court.

68

Re: conservative hubby

You are hung up about tank tops and tattoos and I am hung up around the fact that he accepted her tattoos , tank tops , male friends etc. etc before the nikah and all this is forbidden after nikah. She did not start telling him to stop doing what he is doing rather he is working on changing her that too not delicately but with brute force. His tactics are not going to work on her. She lives in a free society where freedom of speech and freedom of expression is cherished more than religion even by religious folks.
Islam realizes there is not bullying in religion. You must have heard this verse: La Ikrah fiddeen. ( there is no coercion in religion)

69

Re: conservative hubby

I read that he knew about her tattoos prior to marriage. But where has she said that her husband ALSO knew about her tank tops and her non-halal diet prior to marriage? I'm not challenging you here....I am genuinely curious as to whether he knew about ALL her habits prior to marriage or if he found out about some of them only recently.

Since the mention of religion is making some folks chafe as usual.....that is precisely why I included examples of non-Muslim marriages in my posts.....to highlight the point that MUCH of this has to do with common sense than religion.

You don't need to even believe in a religion to understand the importance of making a genuine effort to compromise in a relationship. That goes without saying. But OP doesn't get it.

If her husband doesn't get it, she doesn't get it either. If her husband is being stubborn, she's being stubborn too. If he isn't compromising, she isn't compromising either. Why not place mutual responsibility? You can believe all you want that he is the one who needs to be more patient with her....but that does not exempt her from accountability. She also has to reciprocate patience as well and find out other solutions and options in working around conflicts as opposed to wanting it entirely her way. Two way street, Mirch.

70

Re: conservative hubby

.

71

Re: conservative hubby

Always through there were two fs in chafe. Autocorrect to the rescue.

72

Re: conservative hubby

I wont comment about her choice of dressing up and tattoos because I am quite broadminded myself but the new revelation from her about her eating non halal and not even finding Islam to be an appropriate faith for her satisfaction, I think it simply was not fair that her practicing muslim husband was not informed that she did not see herself fitting in his choice of religion. I would say that it is deceiving on her part to hide her actual religious beliefs from him whereas he considered her to be atleast a muslim, someone who also believes in the same faith as his own. And since I do not eat non halal food, personally, I would not want to marry someone who does. Non halal food is simply gross for some muslims. So hiding these practices/beliefs (not even finding oneself fitting into the religion one's significant other believes in) borders deceiving in my opinion.

Either her parents did not know these facts about their daughter when they fixed her up with that "good" muslim guy or they hid that because they wanted the best for her, to keep her protected. Whatever might be the reason, now if she is honest and also sure about what she wants, she should not continue to deceive her parents and her husband. She should make clear to them atleast two facts:

  1. That she does not relate to the religion of Islam.
  2. That she wishes to continue to eat non-halal.

Majority muslims even if non-practicing will avoid marrying someone with the above beliefs. Just like a 'practicing' hindu or christian or believer of other faith would prefer to marry someone with the same religious belief. Most probably, when she tells him so, he himself will want to find another suitable partner for himself because there is a difference of basic beliefs.

She needs to first decide which faith she thinks she fits into. And then look for a partner with the same beliefs. If she believes in no God, then also it is extremely unfair of her and her parents to get a muslim believer to take care of her just because he is a "good" guy.

And I would like to add that since she is too immature to think what the best/worse for her, her life is and since at 20, her rebellion is same as that of a 13 year old, it would most probably be quite late in life that she would realise why, as per her parents, marriage to this guy was good for her. If he is bullying her then she deserves better. If he is not bullying her then he deserves better. A mismatch!

73

Re: conservative hubby

:clap: for your parents.

Apni museebat kissi dosre ke sar dal di. Just awesome.

:rolleyes:

74

Re: conservative hubby

Agree with Sady. The thing is when looking at rishtas even if someone says they are non practising Muslims they are still considered Muslims and the belief shared between both is the same. She told him she was non practising so he probably thought " well she's young she might become practising in the future " what he didn't know is that she doesn't consider Islam as part of any of her beliefs. So she deceived him really. My husband told me he was non practising when we met for marriage and alhumdulillah despite that he's actually making some effort to be more practising now after marriage. So I don't think her husband was wrong to assume she too would eventually start practising. She should have told him I don't see myself as a Muslim at all.

75

Re: conservative hubby

True. He did accept her this way before marriage. But I don't see his requests as suppressing or crazy as OP is making it out to be.

I think the OP comes across as somewhat selfish...and if she truly is that selfish, she'd have made a better choice for herself in a life partner.

He is not right but I guess I fail to see how that releases her from her responsibility to make good choices...to take shaadi seriously...to honor commitments...to realize that marriage is not a mere friendship...etc.

Life before marriage and after marriage is DRAMATICALLY different...no matter how many guarantees you ask for...there are none aside from the pact you make with Allah swt to make it work.

76

Re: conservative hubby

^This.

77

Re: conservative hubby

One can turn post 75 on its head and come to the same conclusion re the conservative hubby. All depends on which side of the aisle one stands.

Also when she made it clear she is a non practising muslim that puts the onus on the hubby to he accommodative.

And that's the last word.

78

Re: conservative hubby

Have hubby's image as an underground tattoo... When ever he says some thing... you say ... "what else do you want from me??"

79

Re: conservative hubby

That would be true IF it was the hubby posting here...its not.

Its HER. And if SHE has the problem...then SHE needs to have been more responsible making HER OWN choices.

Why drag someone else into the mix when you're having issues with a faith you know your husband is a part of?

80

Re: conservative hubby

Did he know that she does not consider herself a Muslim prior to marriage? She told him about the tattoos before hand.... But did she tell him about not eating halal and guy friends and tank tops before marriage? Or did she spring this on him post-marriage? If it's the former...then I fault the guy (to an extent). As Thornewood said earlier, he might have thought that she believes in her religion but just doesn't practice it. But even so....he should have asked himself "If she doesn't practice the basics, then I have my work cut out for me...and am I ready to deal with these differences?" But if ALL that he knew about before marriage was the tattoos...then I don't think that's enough info for him to reach a conclusion.

However, I agree with Reha in that...what did she expect from a guy who was born and raised in a predominantly Muslim and conservative country? Of coyrse he's likely to be more conservative. Perhaps Mirch means that since the husband believes in Islam...that he's more likely to bring her to the faith thru honey than vinegar. But even so, as said earlier, she has to make an effort too.

I think every party is accountable to an extent. It's not right for parents to attempt saving their child by toying with the life of someone else' son and daughter.