conservative hubby

Lifestyle Relationships
41

Re: conservative hubby

you are married. he is telling you the right things. try to listen. i am surprised these issues weren't raised before the wedding!

42

Re: conservative hubby

@Xtron these days wearing hijab/having a beard is conservative. If you fast during Ramadan or even make some effort to be a practising Muslim you're seen as conservative. Bit ridiculous in my opinion. But then the world is more "free" than it used to be eh?

43

Re: conservative hubby

I think you have the wrong idea of marriage. Marriage is not living parallel lives that never intersect and saying hello every so often.

It is about making each other happy...and making efforts on a daily basis. If these are his wishes and they're not unreasonable...then its your duty to try to live up to them. You KNOWINGLY married a Muslim man...someone who is a follower of Islam. You didn't think this would have ANY impact on your marriage? Are you serious here? It didn't dawn on you that faith would have some impact here? What were you thinking of when you signed the dotted line? Unicorns and ponies?

Grow up. You sound like you're whining to your parents to let you sleep over at your BFF's house.

44

Re: conservative hubby

He alao knew that he was marrying a non practicing muslim. Didnt he think that would impact our marriage? And i dont think that giving up my happiness for the happiness of another person is not worth it. Im not telling him to leave his faith, he shouldnt be telling me to follow his. Simple as that. Its called respecting each others opinions and not breathing down each others backs.

And thats the thing, when i was signing those papers i didnt know the gravity of marriage...

45

Re: conservative hubby

I dont veiw going back to following islam as an improvement. Not trying to hatw on it or anything but many of its factors i dont agree with.

46

Re: conservative hubby

I told him i am not practising a thousand times...

47

Re: conservative hubby

You see wht is "right" is differeny for everyone. I am surprised too.

48

Re: conservative hubby

It's totally fine to want to live your own way. Even in Pakistan I was friends with girls who wore tank tops, had tattoos and had tons of guy friends. They married their boyfriends or guys who are like minded or are still dating. They still go out and party hand in hand with their significant others. The hijabi girls married the more conservative guys and they're happy as well. Other than one or two girls who dated a lot, turned hijabi and married religious guys I have not seen too much intermingling of different lifestyle preferences.

Arranged marriages are tricky. And yours does not look like it'll be a happy one. I rarely say this but I think you should be looking at ending your marriage and try again five, six years from now. This marriage is giving nothing to you or the guy. You guys have nothing in common, and you're too young to attempt to compromise. Instead of pushing it till it ends in 5 years and with a kid to boot you should sit down and discuss this seriously with your parents. I think desi parents abroad think it'll be difficult for their daughter's to get married so they take the first chance they get but what's the point of the marriage if it makes no one happy.

49

Re: conservative hubby

Yeah that is my parents main issue too. First they thought i was going bad so they pressurized me into getting married, knowing full well my mind was changing from one thing to the next because i was still finding myself. Then after marriage when **** got real and i tried for seperation i would get major guilt trips. They would tell me their insecurities
Over and over and that made me believe them as well. They are like maybe u fill find another guy most most likely you wont so why not stay with him? He's respectful, kind and a good guy. Whats wrong with him? In 5 years from now he will turn out good for you. Etc etc etc. I like him too, its just this whole conservative bull and the fact that i am not ready for this. For awhile i give into what my parents say and i think it might end up working out but then i hit a stage where i am like i dont think its going to happen!!

50

Re: conservative hubby

You are such a troll. Internet trolling at its best. But i would like to answer. Sometimes it is not about freedom or choice, it is about right and wrong. All the food that a mother eats, have an effect on unborn child, cz it is the mother's womb that is carrying the baby. Now if a pregnant woman is eating "haram food", guess what.......... unborn child contaminated with Pork meat ? Ooh noo, It is not acceptable even for non-practicing muslims cz it has been clearly mentioned in Quran that non-haalal (blood , pork e.t.c) is haraam. . I think the guy is concerned about his future kids.... Moreover, pork meat is cradle of harmful germs and it may damage the health of unborn child.
Secondly, It is Ok to interact with opposite gender in the workplace, but Even Secular and non conservative people are not ok with their spouse HANGING Out with opposite gender just for the sake of FUN. Let's get the facts straight. GS is full of practicing Muslims who have never eaten pork but they are not conservative. Similarly, there are conservative non muslims, who eat pork Conservatism is an attitude. It has nothing to do with "Practicing muslims", ISLAM, hinduism or any other religion. Personally, i think your relationship with your husband can not work. Reason? The guy is not at fault. You have got your Priorities wrong. You are fighting over things like "tattos, hanging out with "guys"..Oh GOD save me, plz divorce each other.

51

Re: conservative hubby

Once I am on roller coaster, I stop complaining about its speed and bumps. I had a choice to not take a ride. Did you have a choice?

Now you have two options

  • Just shut-up and enjoy the ride (or try to) coz complaining wont do you any good. Go with the flow, try to adjust to bump and speed. You are allowed to scream from bottom of your lungs :slight_smile:

  • Pull the emergency cord and get off the coaster. You willing to do that?

:chai:

PS: “respect each other’s lifestyle and accept as is” is more of a relationship b/w two roommates and not husband/wife. In husband/wife relationship, its all about “meeting somewhere in the middle”. So lets list the items that you have compromised on or he has compromised on as of today.

52

Re: conservative hubby

ok so I haven't read the op's other posts in their entirety to be honest, so don't bite my head off if I'm off completely but what's completely baffling to me is how a girl that's 20 years old and fairly secularized got duped into marrying some guy from Pakistan? I can't even wrap my head around it because my friends that are pretty liberal (tattoos, drinking, the whole shebang) would NEVER agree to it...more than that, their PARENTS wouldn't be okay with it. That "lets get an arranged marriage back home to some nice boy/girl" mentality doesn't exist with them.

I'm legitimately confused. Either the guy isn't as nice as he's been made out to be and he only 'accepted' you for your citizenship OR you may have been too clueless to even notice what was going on around you. If no one in his family wears tank tops/shorts/etc then the idea that he'd be completely accepting of your liberal behavior is kinda odd.

Again, I don't know the details about this, but the more I read , the more I get the sense of the fact that this is one of those cases where the parents take the "liberal" girl back home to marry a "nice boy" so that she'll change her ways. Seen it done here numerous times and unfortunately, this is the end result. No one's happy.

If what you say is true, then you guys are incompatible. It's one thing to be slightly conservative/etc but its another thing to hold on to those behaviors and then refuse to change. It's his fault for not letting you know that earlier, it's your fault for not speaking up about you felt and backing out of this, and its your parents' fault for somehow thinking this would be a good idea.

AND just to add...grow up. Tattoos are really the end of the world for you? I hate to break it to you, sweety, but I know plenty of ppl (including an uncle) that got tattoos and then regretted it when they got out of their "rebellious" phase. I'm all for standing up for your rights but you have to be mature enough to know what's worth fighting for. If your biggest problems are that he won't let you get more tattoos (he hasn't said anything about your existing ones) then...go be thankful because there's ppl out there that have it much much worse.

53

Re: conservative hubby

Don't let your parents treat you like a diy project. You turned out the way you are because of the way they raised you. You aren't going to do a 180 and turn into the perfect Pakistani daughter just because you're married. That only happens in dramas and soaps not in real life.

At 20 I sure as hell wasn't ready to get married and neither were you. Your parents made the mistake of thinking marriage is a cure for all the flaws they see in you. But you're also not a child now and you can make your own decisions. I think you know what you need to do instead of prolonging it forever.

Before making a decision just do one thing and that is to pray two nafal and say a little prayer for yourself and the decision that you're about to make so you know you're making the right decison. I know it's weird that I'm saying this to someone who isn't keen on religion but at 16 I was also a hardcore atheist (I had to Google how to pray when I was going for an umrah, it was that bad) so I get that it's mega difficult to even do one sajda but sometimes leaving the decision to an unknown entity is easier. Just think of it as all the pressure on your shoulders to make a decision so vital to to your life being placed on another. Now it's their responsibility to help you choose.

54

Re: conservative hubby

You were responsible for looking out for your happiness then just like you are now.

Don't blame him when you failed to make a good choice for yourself.

Either you accept and deal with this marriage like an adult or get out.

55

Re: conservative hubby

Perhaps you have some pretentious hiccups/assumptions on what the general brown population think or how we'll react to certain things and your pushing those buttons to get those reactions.

May I ask about your demographics?
And also - were your parents first generation immigrants?

56

Re: conservative hubby

well...then there is your answer.
Not sure what you are looking for in regards to this on this forum then...

57

Re: conservative hubby

OP everyone has a right to live their life as they see fit. When in a relationship though, it is key that you pick the right partner and discuss compatibility issues before getting married. Even when two people are compatible marriage needs a lot of compromise from both parties. From the sounds of it, you were not ready to get married and very immature. At this point you need to figure out with your husband how important the relationship is to both of you and if it's worth saving.

58

Re: conservative hubby

As much as sammi4ever comes across as petulant and immature child, incapable of adult decisions, she’s not wrong in saying that her husband is equally to blame.

If both knew what the other was like, why on earth would both of them agree to get married? There’s no compatibility when it comes to lifestyle and values, which is a recipe for discord and unhappiness.

Miss Sammi thinks her husband is MORE wrong than she is because at least she’s okay with him being conservative and she won’t impose her wishes on him - really, look at how understanding she is :rolleyes:

But what she’s too clueless to know is that marriage is not about being happy independent of each other, apparently she didn’t get the memo that marriage is a partnership and the joining of two lives together, lived with common values.

Oh well - maybe she’ll learn the lesson in her next marriage.

59

Re: conservative hubby

Oh but while Miss Sammi prides herself on being so “understanding” for accepting her husband the way that he is, she fails to see that she TOO has the same “my way or the highway” attitude that Mr. Sammi does. Dare I say it, but I think Sammi might be more stubborn than her husband.

An evidence of this is that even though her husband has accepted her existing tattoos and has not pressured her to remove them…she fails to appreciate this compromise from him and has stubbornly decided to get tatted some more.

She also fails to understand that even among the non-Desi, non-Muslim couples…it is not uncommon to be uncomfortable with your spouse spending time with friends of the opposite gender. Sammi might have also missed the memo that the classic debate as to whether a guy and a girl only be just friends is not just a Desi/Muslim thing.

60

Re: conservative hubby

Where is the popcorn?

Anyone?

P.S- You and your husband are both beeeeeep (Just saying what everyone is thinking)