ok so you mean i should leave the things as they are????
No , I want you to work on it and under the circumstances that seems to be the only way to claim your family life which you and your kids very well deserve. Have fun with kids once he sees that kids are fond of mama he would want to be part of it.
Once he sees you are having fun , he will want to share that fun with you. Slowly and gradually bring it to the point where he would see that you are such a fun person then he would like to share that fun too. It would dawn on him that he is hanging around with wrong crowd. You seem to be creative person. Be creative about bringing him towards you. If he is not working at it , and you want to have fun with him you do something about it. When it comes to creativity sky is the limit.
If it all does not work then he is the biggest loser in this family unit. The kids will one day tell him that daddy where were you when we needed you.
yes it was but our parrents were also agreeed so love come arranged marriage you can say.... i dont think he changed he was like that.. thats what his family says . just i guess my love was blind i could not see that before.. or choose not to see that???? may be.
Ye it can be a reason u couldn't judge him properly before marriage
dunt 4get lov is blind some time,evry one realises latr
leave him on his way nd keep urself bzy as the rest of members suggestd u
some hubbies seems 2 me Stubborn as the othr lady said koi faida nai jitna kero--jst pray 2 Allah
"you are very right in that.... i did lost my self to make him happy... thats why i want him to make me happy ...... should i not be expecting anything in return??? and i do not want to make my own world with out him .. no way for sure i just want him to make HIS and MY life OURS.
LET ME KNOW IF YOU STILL THINK ITS TOO MUCH."
The million dollar question is what makes you happy? You need to search inside yourself and see what part of YOU is lost.
I am not asking you to make a world without him. At the same time, Please don't make your WORLD AROUND HIM and his opinions.
He is one person in your life. You are a wife but you are also a daughter, a sister, a mother, friend, a writer, a poet, a painter.
This is mind shift and the person that has to change is YOU! If you change, then other people change around you
There are so really good advice on this thread that I agree with
Be happy - people are attacted to happy people
Give him space - don't be rude but keep a distance from your husband. Men do like the chase.
You mentioned he doesn't like your outdoor activities. Well invite you activites inside the house. Have your friends over, join a book club. Take your children to other activites like swimming, classes etc (he won't mind if it's the kids)
salamz to all,
my husband has some bad habbits but he has got some good points too.... and its the same with me,
he is not a good listner he necer has time for that .. talking makes him sleepy or sudunly he has some thing very important to do ..
he is the only one who decides every thing no metter if i agree or not. from smallest issues to biggest ... he decides every thing.
woa - LOL - all of that ! It seems like you are talking about MY hubby!!!!!
here's what I do - BUT you have to keep renewing this like EVERY WEEK!
Sometimes when it gets to me - I pretend to be like a puppet who only knows "how to AGREE" with everything he says or does. If he wants to be quiet - I DON'T talk at all.
This annoys him too - When I am like a DEAD person and not my OWN person!
So then he starts behaving "normally" and expects me NOT to be a freaking puppet.
If he hates your outdoor activities, then get around it another way.
Invite some friends over once a week for a girls' party or get together. You can also do that with family and sisters.
Take a class online and get busy with homework and activities.
Participate in some sort of a program at your local mosque...he cant object to that.
And put your foot down...you sound like you're in a cage. Dont fight with him, ease him into understanding you've got to get out of the house. Go out once a month to start with and explain that you have to go because you promised your friends/family you would do this and its really important to so-and-so. Cant he understand just this once? Dont tell him it will be once a month but make sure you do it again the following month.
He has to learn that the kids are not only your problem, they are his too. He will start to learn to be home with them once in a while. Then, you can introduce other things into your lives like family movie nights, game nights with other families, double dates with other couples, etc.
Understand that its a slow process and you cant expect change overnight so be patient. But DEFINITELY get your foot out of the door and start to leave the kids with him sometimes. He may hate it but he isnt behaving like a partner here.
Please dont be ready and waiting when he comes home. Take care of your responsibilities but make sure you have other things waiting for you when you're done.
I feel like you've lost your value in this marriage.
I would suggest you to read Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus by John Gray.....
it would really help you understand why your husband behaves the way he is behaving right now and if possible do make your husband read it too....
my husband is not into reading as he is always busy so what i do is read and highlight the important points and email it to him.... and then we discuss it over the phone or email.... as he is in pakistan n i am in canada
^ A few people have suggested this and I have also in earlier threads. This is a good book to read together...very nice for people who are trying to understand each other more and need the extra insight.
ohhhh thank you so much to all of you ...... i was not expecting this much ... its so nice you...i mean all of you, :)
i would like to have an online copy of that book. i love reading ... when ever i get a chance to go to the library i get difrent books.... i read them when i am alone its soothing and i love it.
annymou5.... i can not pm you unless i have done 25 posts atleast sorry :( but i would like to have one. but only i will read cant make him read.... he syas he has plenty of other important things to do... as always. :(
PSquared
I feel like you've lost your value in this marriage. ...... it hurts..... but its true
Invite some friends over once a week for a girls' party or get together. You can also do that with family and sisters................ :) yes i do that.
Take a class online ................................ yes i am trying to work on it... i am living in dk. and i am not finished with my language classes yet,so i have been asking him to let me take classes at home through internet .. he has not answered yet. ... but i hope i will be able to start in a couple of months.
Understand that its a slow process and you cant expect change overnight so be patient.
no dear i have been working on it for 9 years now :) i am patient.
But DEFINITELY get your foot out of the door and start to leave the kids with him sometimes. He may hate it but he isnt behaving like a partner here.
The life I described isn't easy and takes a lot of effort.
Why don't you find a way to sell your paintings and make a bit of money for yourself? I would hire a stall and sell my art work at my local park whenever they had a summer fair etc. Or ask friends etc or parents at local school if they are interested in buying your art.
Get a job once kids are in nursery etc. This will keep you busy. If he doesn't let you then he needs to give solid reasons why. He can't make you stay at home or not go to the park. What country are you in out of interest?
for selling... i have to go out... again that is a problem he wont permit me.. besides i am trying to find some way being close to him ..... some way to break this unseen shell around him and meet him as a friend.... you know what i mean???
u know what.. u need to ignore ur husband a bit.. ignore not in negative sense.. i mean to say dont give him too much attention..keep ur self busy in other activities in home, specially in front of him, specially when he expects u to be there for his service..bohat agay peechay phirnay ki zaroorat nahi hae k ap ne khana kha liya? aur khaein gay? ye cheez pasand nahi to kuch aur bana don? thora sa rest kr lein? etc etc bohat g g krnay wali biwiyon se bhi mard ukta jatay hein..
he will definitly notice that u have changed ur focus..
you what..... he expects me to take care of him like a child.... as he is the youngest one .. and spoiled as well... so he expects the same from me .. even though i do alot stilll....... jab main gher aya tum ne paani ka nai poocha?? meri woh wali shirt abhi tak press nai hoi? main ne phone kiya to tha ... khana table per kion nai???? :( no metter how hard i try... something goes wrong. what ever i do is never good enough... it makes me feel as if i am even unable to take care of my home my family..... :(
No , I want you to work on it and under the circumstances that seems to be the only way to claim your family life which you and your kids very well deserve. Have fun with kids once he sees that kids are fond of mama he would want to be part of it.
Once he sees you are having fun , he will want to share that fun with you. Slowly and gradually bring it to the point where he would see that you are such a fun person then he would like to share that fun too. It would dawn on him that he is hanging around with wrong crowd. You seem to be creative person. Be creative about bringing him towards you. If he is not working at it , and you want to have fun with him you do something about it. When it comes to creativity sky is the limit.
If it all does not work then he is the biggest loser in this family unit. The kids will one day tell him that daddy where were you when we needed you.
you know what??? GREAT IDEA!!!! i never looked at it from this perspective. . . . . his behaviour has changed my mood, most of the time i feel sad and angry. i was woried that its not good for kids but i could not help it. now you made me think .. diffrent... yeah sure why not like this. now i think few other friends also said some thing like this.. like by saying....... ignore ...
and about your last sentence.... it reminds me once his friend called my daughter picked up the phone... some one asked where is ur dad.. she answerd.. i dont know he is rarly home... it was a shockkk for me. thats how she thinks.
"you are very right in that.... i did lost my self to make him happy... thats why i want him to make me happy ...... should i not be expecting anything in return??? and i do not want to make my own world with out him .. no way for sure i just want him to make HIS and MY life OURS. *
*LET ME KNOW IF YOU STILL THINK ITS TOO MUCH."
The million dollar question is what makes you happy? You need to search inside yourself and see what part of YOU is lost.
I am not asking you to make a world without him. At the same time, Please don't make your WORLD AROUND HIM and his opinions.
He is one person in your life. You are a wife but you are also a daughter, a sister, a mother, friend, a writer, a poet, a painter.
This is mind shift and the person that has to change is YOU! If you change, then other people change around you
There are so really good advice on this thread that I agree with
Be happy - people are attacted to happy people
Give him space - don't be rude but keep a distance from your husband. Men do like the chase.
You mentioned he doesn't like your outdoor activities. Well invite you activites inside the house. Have your friends over, join a book club. Take your children to other activites like swimming, classes etc (he won't mind if it's the kids)
you are right .... i need to work on my mood it has to be :) instead of :( right????
i have already given him the space he needs... that is definetly not the problem.... he is living his life his way. but it looks like more of his life..not ours.. i guess it was supposed to be our life,our home, our kids.
woa - LOL - all of that ! It seems like you are talking about MY hubby!!!!!
here's what I do - BUT you have to keep renewing this like EVERY WEEK!
Sometimes when it gets to me - I pretend to be like a puppet who only knows "how to AGREE" with everything he says or does. If he wants to be quiet - I DON'T talk at all.
This annoys him too - When I am like a DEAD person and not my OWN person!
So then he starts behaving "normally" and expects me NOT to be a freaking puppet.
^then I have to RENEW this procedure every week.
good if it works for you.... if i stop talking ... he does not response ... even if i am crying he walks away..... once i asked why do you show me this behaviour where i am sad and want you to be there... he says ... i feel you are upset for some reason and will be normal after crying for a while. ( as if its nothing of his buisness if i am upset)
Ye it can be a reason u couldn't judge him properly before marriage
dunt 4get lov is blind some time,evry one realises latr
leave him on his way nd keep urself bzy as the rest of members suggestd u
some hubbies seems 2 me Stubborn as the othr lady said koi faida nai jitna kero--jst pray 2 Allah
if nothing helps at the end i will HAVE to give up .... but i still like to try. koshish kerty rehney main kiya herj hay.
^OMG your husband seems to be an identical twin of mine..and i thought that it was only me living with a 'master-piece' ! I had TOTALLY given up on trying to make things better but after reading this thread,i think i should give it ANOTHER last try(though i am okay with the situation now since it doesnt bother,hurt or disturbs me anymore that he has turned out to be this kind of a person-mine is a (blind)love cum arranged marriage too)
thanks all
I have never thought of putting up my problem here since i know that nothing i would do will change him.so,no use of taking advice!Since you say that you have been trying for 9 yrs,I would still suggest you to start focussing on making yourself&your kids happy and comfortable,making yourself busy enough to not to have minds for thinking about this issue.
i just keep telling myself that it could be worse too-marriage is a gamble afterall!