Re: Children molested by family members
All i can say is any parent who keeps quiet abt it putting family relations above the safety and well being of their own child--- those kids usually end up abandoning or mistreating the parents. and rightfully so.
Sometimes we'll call a mother who hushes it up irresponsible but you have to look at things from her perspective too.
In my culture if a girl is harassed and her dad or brother find out they would kill the guy, literally, slash his throat or shoot him with a klashnikov.
If this sort of thing happened in our culture and the girl told her mother, her mother would think twice about raising alarm because she'd know what her husband or sons would do which would put them in jail or hanged till death.
Another issue is that a rape victim wouldn't get any Rishtas (marriage proposals), I know that's ****ed up but that's our Pakistani society for you.
So the poor woman is left between a hard place and a rock. She can't tell and she can't stay quite.
Molestation doesn't just happen to girls, I'm a boy and I remember once during a vacation to Pak when I was 7-8 yrs old, a 16 yr old boy servant would touch my bum, I was way too shy to tell anyone (thankfully it didn't have any negative implications though, now that I think of it in a way it kind of felt good).
I also had an older far of cousin touch my willy through my shalwar a few times, that was horrible, he'd squeeze it really hard it hurt..
Re: Children molested by family members
It's so easy for people who haven't been in a similiar situation to say, the mother should have spoken out or the child should have done something about it. i remember when i was about 13 and on holiday in pakistan, a molvi who used to come to our house and recite the quran with me and my brother inapproprietly touched me when my brother was not there. i didnt tell a soul because i was too scared of what might happen. he still visits even today when we go to pakistan, and it just shows how sick minded some people are.
A friend of mine was sexually abused by her father for many years (there was a thread about it on here a while back) and her mother knew all about it. it went on for years and she did nothing about it, and just expected her daughter to live with it. it lead to her having serious health problems, paranioa, and black outs because of the fear etc when i first found out i just couldnt get my head around why a mother would let someone do this to their own daughter, but the more you think about it, it all comes down to the individual and whether or not they could live with the consequences. i know for sure that if my child was being molested by anyone, i'd do everything in my poewr to make sure they suffered, regardless of what people said about me, but for some mothers its different. the way they have been brought up, is to keep such things to themselves and jsut deal with it. and thats what my friends mum did, even if it was killing her inside she never spoke out. it took my friend to take the first step, she moved out and contacted the police. her dad was arrested and has now been let out on bail until the court case starts. even though shes out of that house and is getting justice, she says she wishes she had just stayed home and put up with what her father was doing, as it was less traumatic than what she is going through now. i just wish allah would strike these sick *******s down so no one would have to go through so much anguish and pain.
Re: Children molested by family members
As a mother, if my child told me of being molested, I would immediately call the police. A child molestor belongs in jail. And once out of jail, they should be required to register with the local police who then send notices to all local schools who then distribute to parents - the photo, name, address and workplace of the offender.
I'd take my child to counselling and make sure to give all the emotional support needed to overcome damage done by the pervert.
Your 12 years old daughter is molested by her unmarried, paternal cousin who is a good 12-14 years older than her. All of you really trusted this person and the girl even used to call him 'mama' for some reason. She tells her mom the very next day.
What should the mom do?
Kill the ba$turd, thats what she shud do
Re: Children molested by family members
It seems like very few here actually understand pedophilia. Just as a normal person will find the opposite sex to be attractive, a pedophile finds children to be attractive and this is something that they cannot change. The rehabilitation success rates of pedophiles is pathetic. The only "cure" is sterilization.
The advice of "speaking to" the molestor changes nothing and actually does harm. The molested child is made to feel ashamed or at blame because even the parents are letting the molestor get away with the crime. The molestor may (or may not) leave that particular child alone but will eventually find another with this slap-on-the wrist approach. They belong in jail. And once out, they should be openly and publicly revealed as what they are.
I think a parents reaction to how they deal with the situation depends alot on what country they live in ... In the west , its still easier to get the police involved.. In pakistan its hard for the parent to just confront...
I know a cousin who was molested by another cousin , the mother confronted him and told the whole family... eventually the molester , felt so insulted , he vowed to kill the girl ... and things got nasty ... relatives couldnt do alot .. they kept saying nothing would happen etc ... but the girl's family spent so much time in stress.... and now 7 years later , when she was getting engaged, someone in the family brought up that incident and the boy's family thought there was some hanky panky and refused to go ahead with the ceremony unless the truth was told ... the goor girl ended up feeling like a rape victim ... ditched at the engagement , center of unwanted attention ...
on the contrary , i know of another incident , where the mother decided to keep quiet , but completely boycotted the molester and his entire family ... till date the family asks the reason and she doesnt talk about it .... She is very friendly with her daughter and ensures her confidence is restored but doesnt say a word about the incident to anyone in the family....
I sometimes feel its better to boycott such idiots rather then telling the whole world the story .. for the world and the relatives are only good for hearing spicy stories ..only in few cases will support come ... thats only a lucky few .. i guess ..
Re: Children molested by family members
I have been a part of this. A cousin of mine tried to molest me sexually when I was 12 years old. It was dark and we were on the roof playing cricket and everyone left, apart from me an him. I ran away but damage to some extent was done. Never told my mom, until last year when I was involved in a bad car accident and was in hospital thinking I would die. It is better to tell her and get it off my chest.
It seems like very few here actually understand pedophilia. Just as a normal person will find the opposite sex to be attractive, a pedophile finds children to be attractive and this is something that they cannot change. The rehabilitation success rates of pedophiles is pathetic. The only "cure" is sterilization.
The advice of "speaking to" the molestor changes nothing and actually does harm. The molested child is made to feel ashamed or at blame because even the parents are letting the molestor get away with the crime. The molestor may (or may not) leave that particular child alone but will eventually find another with this slap-on-the wrist approach. They belong in jail. And once out, they should be openly and publicly revealed as what they are.
Agree with you on that. Just as an added precaution, their knobs should be chopped off.
Do you have a daughter njgal ? if you do, how old is she ? I have 16 years old...
I do PakiAmerican - infact I have 2 mA!
I would speak up and maybe I wouldn't make a scence but I would clearly humilate the person. This behavior is not right and by keeping quit we are sending the message that the behavior is acceptable
I was also a victom of such things in Pakistan. So was my sister and my cousins and so many friends. Infact I have yet to sit in gathering where someone whose loved one who has not a childhood memory of some sort of this type of behavior.
These people are predators and they will keep on doing to this to children after children. (unless someone tells them it's WRONG).
I have been a part of this. A cousin of mine tried to molest me sexually when I was 12 years old. It was dark and we were on the roof playing cricket and everyone left, apart from me an him. I ran away but damage to some extent was done. Never told my mom, until last year when I was involved in a bad car accident and was in hospital thinking I would die. It is better to tell her and get it off my chest.
I'm so sorry to hear that. You were so strong to go thru that alone. What did ur mom say?
Re: Children molested by family members
The molesting doesnt only happen to girls in pak you know!!!
Re: Children molested by family members
^ I know - so many young boys.
I'm so sorry to hear that. You were so strong to go thru that alone. What did ur mom say?
She was angry at me that I waited this long to tell her and I kept it to myself all these 8 years. But obviously, I was in ICU so she could not properly scold me but I could feel her emotions and feelings. Now the whole khandaan has boycotted that cousin's family and only nani ma talks to them from time to time.
Your 12 years old daughter is molested by her unmarried, paternal cousin who is a good 12-14 years older than her. All of you really trusted this person and the girl even used to call him 'mama' for some reason. She tells her mom the very next day.
What should the mom do?
Shoot him in the head, if you cannot inform the police and the whole family, anythign less than this s a crime itself on part of mother. And be strong, you will find plenty of support. If you don't let me know where do you live and i can try my best to help you.
niksik…sometimes the child molester is mehrem (ie a mamu/chacha etc). 
my cousins uncle (her moms brother) molested her repeatedly in pakistan when she was only 6 yrs old. She had supressed her memories of it until recently.
but you are absolutely correct…parents need to be more vigilant when it comes to their child. They should not be left alone with other men…or it should be avoided as much as possible.
Re: Children molested by family members
I agree Angel eyes. Even here in the USA - make sure your child is not alone with a teacher after school, alone even in masjid without supervision etc.
Re: Children molested by family members
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Basically, what would you do if you were the mother? What is the right thing to do? Should the mother just let it slide by and ignore it? To avoid 'badnami' and family discord? What about how the daughter feels...how should she be comforted?
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No I dont think the mother should ever let something like this slide by and ignore it...the safety of her daughter should be way more important to her than any "badnami"....and how can there be any badnami, the daughter did nothing wrong, the family has no need to feel any shame or any need to hide the evil actions of this adult cousins. If he feels he can get away with it, who knows how many innocent young children he will go after..and maybe even come back to her own daughter when he knows her own mother wont even protect her. The mother in such a case should definitely speak out, even if it against their social customs. The man must be confronted publicly and other parents and children should be aware so they can protect themselves. I would call the police if any person ever tried doing something like that to my children
Re: Children molested by family members
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Another issue is that a rape victim wouldn't get any Rishtas (marriage proposals), I know that's ****ed up but that's our Pakistani society for you.
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Any man who wont marry a girl just because she was molested or raped is in my opinion NOT WORTH MARRYING!!!!!!
I agree Angel eyes. Even here in the USA - make sure your child is not alone with a teacher after school, alone even in masjid without supervision etc.
things like this happens during parties.....you know when you have so many people around that the parents cant keep an eye on their children. This is exactly how it started with my cousin. She was at a party and all the adults were busy mingling. She was playing in he room and her uncle walked right in. It takes only one second for things to start happening....it's just so sad :(
Parents!!! please protect your children and keep them close by...if you cant see them...then they are too far.