My colleague was really upset today. He hasn’t met his brother, bhabhi and their 2 young kids (they live in Australia) for 6 years. The brother’s younger kid is a few months old and his parents are in Australia to help them out. So my colleague, let’s call him C, was very excited about getting to meet all his family in one trip.
However, his wife absolutely refuses to go with him. She has MAJOR issues with C’s mom. She (wife) grew up in a family where the bahus were always mistreated and she has this firm idea in her head that all MILs are evil. As a result, she has openly declared that she can never have a good relationship with her MIL. She had this attitude from day 1 of their marriage, and always viewed her MIL in a negative light. She over-analyzes and misinterprets every single action and gesture of her in-laws. C knows that initially his parents made mistakes too, but they have apologized and tried to make amends. It is a weird situation where there really hasn’t been a major fight or quarrel between saas-bahu, yet his wife cannot stand having his parents around.
C and his wife have been married for 5 years and don’t have kids. It was their mutual decision to hold off on kids, though they do plan to have kids in the next 1-2 years. So now the wife’s argument is that if they go to Australia (where the bhabhi has just had a kid), everyone will point fingers at her for choosing to not have kids (so far). C has clearly told his parents that family planning is a private decision between husband and wife and not to interfere. To their credit, they have never questioned her about it. He was desperately trying to convince her that he won’t let his family put her in the hot seat so to speak, or make her uncomfortable in any way.
However, things got really bad over the weekend when C realized that he needed to buy air tickets because they were getting too expensive. Wife declared that she will rather go to India to see her own family instead of going with him. C finally got fed up pleading with her and bought his own ticket to Australia. His parents were really upset to know that their DIL refused to come. They tried to talk to her over the phone, but she just hung up on them. C and his wife got into a major fight, and haven’t been speaking to each other since yesterday.
He is obviously saddened by the whole thing and realizes that no one can be happy with this arrangement. But right now he’s at his wit’s end on how to convince his wife.
It's a good thing wife didn't go with him. The attitude of one person would spoil the happiness of her husband, his parents, brother and family. He wouldn't have enjoyed his vacation if she tagged along. Blessing in disguise, really.
Did he pay for the wife's ticket to India? If so, the next time he talks to wifey, he should remind her of certain points: that his parents never questioned him about having kids, that they had apologized before to her which is very big of them as elders typically don't and especially the in-laws she grew up with must never have done so, that they called her out of concern, and that despite her paranoia/inflexibility/inability to forgive people and see the positives.....he still paid for her ticket to India. He should also tell her to put her ego to the side and reflect on these points as opposed to staying stuck in the past. Then he should stop contacting her. Let her think about all this. He should enjoy the expensive vacation and not chase after her. I get the feeling that he yields to her often and that it's gotten to her head. Stop yielding and let her come down to earth.
Thanks ladies. They haven't bought her India ticket yet. I guess in a way C is still hoping she will do this Australia trip for him... perhaps when she has cooled down a bit.
RV - I too got the impression that she is used to having her own way. This seems to be the first time that C has really stood up for himself. Meeting his brother and baby niece is something he feels very passionate about and is in no mood to compromise. But as you can imagine, it's causing a huge strain on their marriage. Her parents apparently have no idea about these issues - perhaps when her mom and dad hear about this they will try to speak some sense into her. Thing is.. her going to India all alone is also going to cause her embarrassment and will definitely lead to a lot of questions and gossip.. exactly the situation she was trying to avoid.
If it was the other way around and the husband refused to meet his in laws. No one would bat an eyelid. If the wife doesn't want to meet them that's her prerogative. I am sure she has a valid reason. The guy can go ahead and meet his family and let the wife go and meet hers.
Wife not meeting inlaws means their future children not meeting their dada dadi aswell. However, if the husband refuses to meet , the children stillget to meet their nana nani.
Lol....let her go to India and be surrounded by the toxic in-laws of her childhood. A reminder might make her realize her situation isn't that bad ...maybe faster than any attempts by her husband.
For now, he just needs to go on his own and enjoy the time with his parents. I don't understand his why he insists that she go with him if she doesn't want to. They don't have children yet so cross that bridge when it gets here.
Also, does C have a good relationship with his wife's parents? B/C if she insists on this attitude...perhaps he can have a discussion with her mother/sister.....someone who she will listen to and ask them for their help in changing her attitude.
For now, he just needs to go on his own and enjoy the time with his parents. I don't understand his why he insists that she go with him if she doesn't want to. They don't have children yet so cross that bridge when it gets here.
Also, does C have a good relationship with his wife's parents? B/C if she insists on this attitude...perhaps he can have a discussion with her mother/sister.....someone who she will listen to and ask them for their help in changing her attitude.
Hmm I don't think it's unreasonable of him to expect his wife to try and get along with his parents. Especially when most of the issues she has are basically imagined scenarios.. and haven't even happened in reality.
He has a decent relationship with her parents.. not very close, but cordial. He even stays with them for a few days when they visit India together so his wife doesn't feel bad.
If it was the other way around and the husband refused to meet his in laws. No one would bat an eyelid. If the wife doesn't want to meet them that's her prerogative. I am sure she has a valid reason. The guy can go ahead and meet his family and let the wife go and meet hers.
I would agree with you but in this case the guy has made an effort to get along with her parents. They have a decent relationship, and he spends a few days with them whenever he visits India with his wife.
Hmm I don't think it's unreasonable of him to expect his wife to try and get along with his parents. Especially when most of the issues she has are basically imagined scenarios.. and haven't even happened in reality.
No, what he's expecting is not unreasonable. But if his marriage is good otherwise....is it really worth it to cause all this drama/tension/stress over this? Its not like she's stopping him or giving him a hard time for wanting to go visit them. Besides, if he hasn't seen his brother in 6 years....why does he want to take that risk that the entire visit will be ruined due to drama caused to her attitude? Doesn't he want to just relax and enjoy the company of his brother/parents?
BTW, I do not agree with his decision to actually tell his parents that she refused to come. That's not going to help the situation. In fact, this might make his parents resent her which in turn will validate her "concerns".
He has a decent relationship with her parents.. not very close, but cordial. He even stays with them for a few days when they visit India together so his wife doesn't feel bad.
Is there anyone in HER family that he can talk to about this and ask for help?
BTW, how long does he want to stay in Australia? Because if the trip is several weeks/a month or longer.....perhaps he should see if she will join him for a few days. He flies to Australia....she flies to India....and then she can fly to Australia for the last few days. Then they can fly home together. That way she doesn't feel like she's "stuck" there for a long period of time.
I don’t know about other countries but in US mother can say she doesn’t want her children to travel without her. Recently, we have applied for Pakistan visa for our son and I had to attach a notarized consent letter with the application.
True.. as of now he is trying to look forward to the trip but things are strained at home.
I don’t think that’s how it happened. He told them the wife is going to India and he is coming alone. Parents were concerned and asked to talk to her, but she hung up on them. That let the cat out of the bag. He could have probably handled it better.. I guess emotions were running high.
He’s planning to visit Aus for 2 weeks or so. Also his wife has refused to meet her in laws till they have a kid of their own.
I think there is more to this issue than he tells you. I can't really understand why she would have a problem with her in laws if they never did or say anything wrong to her. Maybe he should sit down with her and ask her in a kind way. Maybe they did do something she haven't told her husband
So much drama for just 2 weeks?! I agree the wife is acting like a brat, if the in-laws really have never given her a reason to act like this. But the husband should've just let it go initially and told her he'd go without her. She isn't stopping the husband from going. So why strain things up in the household - let the wife sulk alone while he enjoys Australia and some family bonding.
I don't know about other countries but in US mother can say she doesn't want her children to travel without her. Recently, we have applied for Pakistan visa for our son and I had to attach a notarized consent letter with the application.
You're right. However, in situations like the one your friend is in.....if the wife actually prevents C from taking the child to visit dadd/dadi.....that escalates the situation to a whole another level. I know growing up...my mother rarely visited my dada/dadi or other extended family on my dad's side (she usually just went during Eid, weddings etc.). However, I routinely went with my dad and was never prevented or given a hard time by my mom for keeping in touch with his side.
Well things are strained at home b/c C made a HUGE deal out of it.
There is no “probably”. He could have and should have handled it better so it didn’t escalate. He knows his wife doesn’t like his parents and with all the drama going on with the trip…he should have enough sense to realize what a horrible idea it was for him to try to get her to talk to them. He simply should’ve told them she was in the shower/bathroom/napping whatever.
Don’t the in-laws ever visit them? What does the wife do then? Or has she refused to allow them into their home? Was this an arranged or love marriage? How did she act towards them before the wedding day?
I agree with thedoer that there seems to be more to this story than what’s he’s telling you. You’re his co-worker so maybe he’s being careful on the details he’s sharing. It doesn’t make any sense for his wife to be so against his parents if she doesn’t have any valid reasons behind it.
I think there is more to this issue than he tells you. I can't really understand why she would have a problem with her in laws if they never did or say anything wrong to her. Maybe he should sit down with her and ask her in a kind way. Maybe they did do something she haven't told her husband
I actually suggested this to C, and here are some of the issues she has... some of them are frankly bizarre.
MIL asked her about having kids 2 years after they were married (i.e. 3 yrs ago).
Wife likes a certain type of mithai and C asked his parents to send them some with a friend who was traveling to the US. MIL did not send her fresh mithai - she bought the mithai the day before the friend left, rather than on the day itself.
MIL cooked C's favorite dish when they visited the US (wife thinks of this as an invasion into her kitchen).
MIL does not talk to her much on Skype chats.
FIL bought a new watch, but showed it to everyone in the family except her.
Honestly I think the problem is the bad atmosphere she grew up in. Apparently her dadi was a tyrant and she treated her bahu (i.e. wife's mom) very badly. C's wife is having a hard time separating that anger from her feelings towards her own in laws.
