Can your in-laws actually be like your real parents?

Lifestyle Relationships
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Re: Can your in-laws actually be like your real parents?

You know what, i sympathise with you and all but come on, i was cooking the day after my valima!!! And that was only because my MIL had just come from Pakistan for the rukhsati and didnt know how to figure things out around our place (we have electric stoves). The time she stayed here, she helped me a bit but it was what wanna be mum called a 90/10 split. I wasnt happy with it but it was ok. I used to help out my mom quite a bit when iw as at my parents' home but nothing could have gotten me ready for the responsibility i had when i got married.

When i visited Pak for the first time since our wedding, my MIL literally spoiled me. We were getting breakfasts in bed and she wouldnt let me lift a finger. And when i saw her running around the place, trying to get things done, i saw why she needed to relax when she was visiting me and hubs. Even though my SIL's do most of the housework, my MIL still juggles alot of things around the house and frankly at the age our parents or PIL i dont blame them for wanting to rest. I am sure your MIL wont dump everything on you like cooking, cleaning, laundary, ironing etc.

This may sound rude but really, cooking is not really that big of a deal. If your mother had been cooking and cleaning for 40 years, would you not want them to take a break? Would you like it if your bhabi was sitting around while your mother was doing most of the work just because your bhabi wasnt used to working at her house?

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Re: Can your in-laws actually be like your real parents?

Simple answer: Have hubby do it : )

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Re: Can your in-laws actually be like your real parents?

u said u used to visit them and know them before... pehle nahi maloom tha???

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Re: Can your in-laws actually be like your real parents?

TRU dat! but seriously, i am gettin married too (love)... u kinda have to prove ur self when its love.. even more than normal, and since ill be in nyc we will be living seperate apts but itll be NEAR his fam and ill porlly be there every other day cus thats how mmy hubby prefers it, and i LOVE to cook.. lekun not clean lol. so i need to get it together, im not gunna be a SLAVE but nothing wrong w/ working around the house, and ill be working full time too, i know plenty of ppl that can do that.. my advice to u (mano?) is slowly start doin lil things, maybe make dessert, and their reaction may encourage u to do more stuff! They wanna be cared for too sometimes (PIL)

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Re: Can your in-laws actually be like your real parents?

LMAO!!

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Re: Can your in-laws actually be like your real parents?

visiting some1 and living with them are two very diferent things...unless u live with some1 u cant know much about them so ya i dont see how you can blame her for that.

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Re: Can your in-laws actually be like your real parents?

This is what it is all about. Ask your husband to buy a separate home. As I see it your FIL is still working and can afford to pay all the bills and your hubby and you are enjoying the benefits of his hard work. Once your hubby buys a home you can live happily ever after. You do not know how to cook and you two can go out and eat every night and bring some back home so that he and you can use it for breakfast and lunch.

As I see it your FIL and MIL are treating you very nicely and decently , they are being like your parents. They have provided a roof to you and your hubby , your MIL cooks , your FIL pays all the bills. He nags about you sleeping late that goes to your benefit. Do you not wake up for your fajr prayer ? If not you should and if others do not wake up you can take this duty to wake other up for Fajr and prepare the breafast for everybody , I am sure they would love you for doing that. And after all this you go back to makeup you lost sleep no one will object.

You and your hubby are in comfort zone that is why you are complaining about it. Once the reality hits you and him you will know that you are living in a paradise and you should appreciate and pitch in more. Cooking is not as they say it rocket science , while your MIL is cooking you can learn and she would love to be you mentor in this respect. Grow up girl , you are a married women , you are living with a real family not in a dorm room with some room mates.
The love is won by giving love . Hate begets hate. Change your attitude and you will notice the difference in the behavior of your MIL , FIL , SIL, BIL and the whole FIL( family in law). No ? :confused:

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Re: Can your in-laws actually be like your real parents?

cooking is an art, take it as an art, learn it use and use it.

i believe you love your husband, and when you love someone you respect everything/one connected to your love, so respect your MIL n FIL. no one is gonna be there for ever.

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Re: Can your in-laws actually be like your real parents?

To answer your question…i think in-laws cannot be like your real parents but you can surely respect and love them as your own parents but just dont expect them to pamper you as you were…Parents pamper their daughters cuz they know that one day they will leave them also cuz they know you and your habits…so its easy for them to ignore.

Try to help your saas as much as you can…if you cant cook, help her cutting the vegetables or onions or something…make her feel like you are there for her…When she is cooking something just stand next to her move the doi or something:D…One more thing…IF you were living all by yourself with your hubby…you would have to eventually cook you know…cant eat out everyday u know…just learn to cook for your own peace of mind..GOOD LUCK and its not that hard :woho:

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Re: Can your in-laws actually be like your real parents?

Mrs. Shikra yeh kia hay aap ulti kion latki hoi hain ? Lara e ho ga e kia ?

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Re: Can your in-laws actually be like your real parents?

Well said!

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Re: Can your in-laws actually be like your real parents?

Lol everyone cannot be an artist!

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Re: Can your in-laws actually be like your real parents?

Mano, this is now your new home. Maybe your MIL and FIL are actually just handing over the responsibility not out of expectation but confidence. Or maybe they want you to feel like this is your home and you can be a part of it. If your MIL had continued to do everything and not involved you, soon you would start feeling like a guest, or that this wasn't your home.

Nobody can replace your own parents, but if we love our husbands, we should at least try to love his family.

Ask your MIL to help you. Tell her that you are looking forward to learning from her. It will make her feel good and she will in turn respect your efforts.

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Re: Can your in-laws actually be like your real parents?

I know that I probably don't undestand your situation completely but what i wrote before was just my opinion so please don't take it offensively. I don't know about you and how much you used to help out your mom before getting married, but me and my sisters really like to help out our mom eventhough she never asks us to (we just like to do it). InshAllah when my brother will get married, I want my bhabi to help out my mom. I wouldn't like it if my mom is doing all the work and she is just helping out my mom in normal chores just for the formality. It's a completely different case if my bhabi is working woman or not because if she is a housewife then i expect her to help my mom with 75% of the stuff. I am sure you want the same for your parents. I don't know how to cook, but i plan on learning it before i get married and continue to learn it afterwards. I realize that a woman has to learn how to cook sometimes in her life. I think even if you don't know how to cook you should try and make an effort to learn it, and i am sure your MIL won't mind helping you with that (there are many online sites where you can find desi reciepes very easily). As far as the sleeping problem is concerned, I don't know what to say. All I can say is that my mom doesn't like it if i get up around 10 and then take 2-3 hour nap in the afternoon/evening. It's all depends on your upbringing. I think most parents treat their daughters like princesses, but it's important to realize that you'll always not be treated the same. I think if you'll learn how to cook for them then in return i am sure they'll understand you taking a nap.

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Re: Can your in-laws actually be like your real parents?

reading replies.. i feel like going and doing do nafil shukranay that my mom in law is an angel… do in laws treat their daughter in laws like their own daughters? mine do.. infact i think my mom in law is more sensitive to my feelings than my own mom was :smiley:

i wasnt allowed to do anything at all after i got married… according to my mil, she didnt want to shove the responsibilties in my direction immediately and take a break from eveyrthing herself.. my sis in law and mil would cook and clean and just let me take things in… i was eased into everything.. where things are kept, how things are done.. what are the likes and dislikes but its ok if u want to do things a certain way.. its ure home…

but she says she didnt feel at all worried that i wouldnt want to take responsibility cuz i assisted in everything from the get go.. show her that im here 100% and willing to help in any way… infact at times i would feel pissed cuz she cooked first thing in the morning (9 friggin am!)… i would get up at 10 and the food would be ready… so i had to teach her to chill out bout that.. she would just say..oh its ok.. tum karo ya mein, ek hi baath hai .. :smiley:

now that i have started school, my mornings and afternoon are bz whilst her afternoons and evenings are bz (shes a teacher at the mosque)… so she cooks dinner and kneads atta (and also does my lunch :blush: ) .. i come home.. and arrange dinner in time for when husband and aunty come home. responsibilties arent written in stone but i think we have finally found a system that works for us… she does dinner on my school days, and i do it on my off days and weekends we do it together… cleaning im incharge of cuz i dont want her lugging the vacuum around .. laundry she does mostly…
hehe.. there isnt much to do to be honest.. we fight over chores.. sad .. but we are both clean freaks who are extra fast at doing things and so run out of chores by noon. sad. i know. but atleast we both get each other cuz we are exactly the same :smiley:

whilst its not nice to hand over the house to a bahu the very next day after marriage… its not end of the world… with marriage comes responsibility and maturity.. and that is how these things should be handled.

p.s) i feel like slapping girls who say they arent willing to learn how to cook… u NEED food to stay alive and keep ure family healthy.. .. i dont kow that many places u can eat out and stay healthy, unless all u have are salads… and every friggin day?! some girls have this idea that living with in laws its such a chore cooking but will do it willingly if they were living alone with the husband.. suddenly a boring chore becomes exciting

ayyin kahin se shezadi sahiba. :rolleyes:

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Re: Can your in-laws actually be like your real parents?

wrong :D

Why / Kiyon ?
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Re: Can your in-laws actually be like your real parents?

When you visit somenoe very often and have alot of contact with them, you can tell how they are and what their expectations are. And even if you don't, i think it is the husband's responsibility to "set her up" beforehand, so that she knows what to expect. Frankly I don't think cooking or taking on household duties is a big deal.

[quote]
even now they’re alright but sometimes my mother-in-law and father-in-law drags this cooking topic saying such things like oh we're gonna take an retirement...now u'll handle the kitchen and all...(i dunno how to cook or anything as of now)...
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They don't have a right to retire and relax? Have you made an effort to learn or do anything in the kitchen?

[quote]
Why all the desi in-laws have such low mentality dat as soon as they get a bahoo in the house just start acting as if they’re soooo old now and expect her do all the work...
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Now....do they know that you dont' know how to cook? Do they expect you to cook 4 course meals every night for them the second ur mehndi begins to fade? I'm serious. It could possibly be that they expect you to take on this responsibility later on down the line, not all at once and so quickly. So do they expect you to start ASAP and do everything all at once OR do they expct that u will be willing to learn and start cooking for them slowly?

[quote]
i’ve always been really pampered by my mother, she never took any house work from me…
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me too!!! my mother never made me do a single thing, and she told my mother in law as well, and my MIL never made such a big fuss about it. She was patient,e ven if i couldn't cook, i'd help out by cutting vegetables, watching, doign dishes etc.

[quote]
and just because i live w/ in-laws doesn’t mean it's my DUTY to cook for the entire family....
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You're living in a FAMILY, not roommates.
How many people are there, including hsi brothers and sisters? Are any of the brothers married? How old are they and what do? What about the sisters, if any?

What i've heard/noticed/learned is that when there's usually 1 bahu, she is responsible for all the brothers , esp if they're unmarried. as the "bari bahu" she takes on the role of a mother almost. Though I can see why cleaning/chores for the brothers might be a big deal, cooking shouldn't be.

Just imagine your own family in this scenario, how would you feel if ur bhabhi said and felt that its nto her responsibility to feed your parents and younger brothers/sisters?

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Re: Can your in-laws actually be like your real parents?

Well said . :biggthumb You might get an answer like this "but my brothers ,sisters, and parents are not like those in my susral. But that is lame most of the issues between saas and bahu could be resolved with this kind of apathetic point of view.

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Re: Can your in-laws actually be like your real parents?

mano: No matter how much you try to act like a daughter with your in-laws...you are the bahu and not the daughter. They are your in laws and not your parents. This is in a good way and bad. Don't have too many expectations from anyone. Secondly don't tell ur husband about the problems that your going through. This will just stress him out and if he talks to your in laws this will make it seem like your telling on them. Secondly think of things in a positive way. When your MIL cooks go stand next to her and ask her to teach you. This will be helpful for the day that you do move out. You will know how to cook and won't be making as many calls to get recipes. When your husband comes home and sleeps tell him to maybe sleep for half hour less and give you some time. That way your days stress will go away. Hope things are better. Just try to take things in a positive way.

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Re: Can your in-laws actually be like your real parents?

What time does he wake up for work? How much sleep does he get at night? What are his job timings?

IMO, i don't think parents should interfere....with how much time they spend with each other. for all they know...well i don't want to say it out loud but i hope u guys get wat i mean. BUT I think ur doing the right thing by ignoring them...and if u have problems or just things u want to vent abt you should vent to your parents or frends, b/c u really won't get very much sympathy and understanding here....