can I have some advice from people who may be known to this problem?

Lifestyle Relationships
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Re: can I have some advice from people who may be known to this problem?

Lol, the burping and growing out hair sounds funny (its gross and definitely a turn-off), but don't fool yourself. She can be a total cow and the Pakistani relatives would want to marry her. Most people in Pakistan dream of a way to get out of there. Those cousins of her's probably see her as their ticket.

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Re: can I have some advice from people who may be known to this problem?

It sounds nice in theory, and its good to give the benefit of the doubt that the guy could be nice. However, practically speaking, its unlikely they'd be compatible. She's quite clear that she has British values, and some guy who was born and raised in Pakistan isn't going to think like she does. If she goes through hell going to Pakistan and being forced into marrying this (or whichever other) guy, make no mistake that she'll go through a bigger hell once this comes comes over to the UK to live with her. And while its easier to get out of the situation right now, it won't be then.

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Re: can I have some advice from people who may be known to this problem?

Take this advice! And seriously! This has happened to countless girls before you. Don't be pressured into going to Pakistan. Inform the local masjid, as well as the local authorities about what your situation is. Go to the local police, call social services, WHATEVER you can think of, and tell them of your situation. The might be able to prevent you from leaving the country.

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Re: can I have some advice from people who may be known to this problem?

Coffeegirl, your father is disobeying God by forcing you to get married to a person you don't want to get married to. There is no compulsion in Islam. Even in the case of a forced marriage, Islamically that forced nikkah is INVALID. Islam protects the rights of women. Ignorant people who know nothing about religion and operate in their own bubble, using religion as a weapon to get their own way think that by forcing their daughters to get married means that marriage is final and set in stone. Whereas, that forced nikkah/marriage is invalid in the eyes of God.

I suggest you get yourself educated on Islamic law as well. Don't take your father's one-sided religious crap in this ignorant way.

Yes, we are supposed to obey our parents, GIVEN that our parents are fulfilling their responsibilities and duties as well. Its a two-way street.
Sounds like neither of your parents are actually being parents here. Your father doesn't provide for his wife and children, he brazenly steals your money while you can't stand up to him and say no.

You have to take your life into your own hands since your parents are not taking care of you. Don't just sit there and be a victim. Get yourself out of that oppressive and incredibly negative environment.

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Re: can I have some advice from people who may be known to this problem?

Here is an article from the BBC,women from Mirpur coming to the UK:

BBC News - Misery of Pakistan’s abandoned wives

BBC - Forced To Marry. TruthTube.Tv. - YouTube

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Re: can I have some advice from people who may be known to this problem?

Thanks for the recent article, it was very interesting and now I am going to make decision after I have talked to my mother and see how strongly she retaliates to my no’s

The second documentary is one I have watched over and over again and it scares me bery much …so much so that I am willing to defy the odds and not go :slight_smile:

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Re: can I have some advice from people who may be known to this problem?

^ This.

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Re: can I have some advice from people who may be known to this problem?

I'm not sure if you have seen the entire documentary, I saw it when it first came out, it broke my heart watching it. I can't find the link to the entire thing, otherwise I would post it.
I grew up in the UK, and many of my fellow classmates were from Mirpur, Punjab, India. Some were forced into arranged marriages at 15, 16 , 17 and never, seen or heard of again.
A close friend , one of 4 sisters, and 2 brothers did act as she was to be married to a cousin in Mirpur. Twenty + years ago, our schools were becoming aware of the problem,and we had various police, social services, Childline (Esther Rantzen) visit . My friend confided in a trustworthy teacher, and with the help of the headmistress , she was taken away from her home the day she was to fly to Pakistan. She was 17 at the time. Because of her actions, the bleak future for her sisters also became brighter. She mentioned to the social services that her life was in danger as were the lives of her sisters, so action was taken by authorities. Her father, brothers and uncles made threats against the girls, etc, but they never acted upon it. They were being watched.
An Imam at the time, now deceased, he also performed my nikkah, spoke with the girls family. MA, an imam who stood up for the young girls rights, unheard of 20 years ago.
The girls are all successful individuals now; two living in the US(married), one is in New Zealand, and one remaining in the UK. They completed Uni, etc and did further studies. They are living the lives they chose for themselves. I know the father passed away a few years ago. He thought his daughters had brought great shame to their khandaan, but towards the end , he was grudgingly proud of them. He would say to my father ' Yeh mahol aisa hai, lakiya karhi keh jasa mahol hai". The mother moved back to Pakistan. The 2 brothers are skirt chasers, hitting the masjid for namaaz, and then hitting the clubs for all kinds of action. They did not complete further studies,; have stalls in a local market and corner stores from what I last heard.

I'Allah, you will defy the odds, and IA you have a right to your life.

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Re: can I have some advice from people who may be known to this problem?

wow i'm sorry but your dad sounds like a very uneducated, selfish and controlling. He is the desi who thinks whatever he does is ok but everyone else around him (including his family) should just put up with him.

Some ppl suggested running away from home. Thats a BIG deal guys. Comon, it carries such a negative connotation. She may be disowned. Her parents may hate her forever (I know some of you may say its worth it, but still thats a point to consider)

I definitely dont think you should go to pakistan. Do not succumb. This is what they're thinking. Once she's there, she wont be able to do anything. You'll be surrounded by relatives who see you as a walking passport and your parents can take away your access (passport and phone).

I think the most important thing you can do for yourself is continue your education at this point, which i know you're doing but please do focus on it. Run away to a university (I know in the US, undergraduate education at a state/city university can be quite cheap and worse case scenario you can take out loans and always pay them back ). Go to a university, dorm and then call your parents and tell them you've moved out.

You need to set an example for your sisters. Dude if you get married to a free loader cousin, he's gona get there and abuse you. Please dont do that to yourself. Good luck!

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Re: can I have some advice from people who may be known to this problem?

Sister, JK for enquiring and as it turns out that I have watched the entire documentary. I didn't see it at the time it came out, it is difficult to come by on the internet but I remember where I watched it from...I shall let you know IA

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Re: can I have some advice from people who may be known to this problem?

[Facebook

Omar Suleiman](Facebook) · 33,160 like this

Yesterday at 7:50pm ·

Forced marriage is haram and invalid:

A young girl came to the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) and told him that her father had married her off against her will. The Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) gave her the choice to either stay married or walk away from it. (Abu Dawud)

The majority of scholars derived from this that the contract cannot be nullified because it never even existed. Imam Abu Hanifa (rA) saw that it would become valid if the girl approved. Either way, no scholar has ever allowed forced marriages in Islam.

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Re: can I have some advice from people who may be known to this problem?

Tell your father that you agree to the marriage, but ask him to let you go on a trip around Europe with your friends. Convince him by telling him that this will be your one last chance to have some fun before you go back home and marry a complete stranger.

Then get a Eurail pass and embark on your month-long trip across Europe. Be on the lookout for any mandolin-playing stranger. He will be your knight in shining armor. When you disembark on any stations along the way, make sure to get back on the train in time, or else you'll be forced to catch a car ride with that goofy stranger. When the night falls, do not choose to spend it in a barn, and definitely do not consume any alcohol. At the end of your trip though, remember to give that guy the name/address of your village in Pakistan, since your dad will immediately move all of you to Pakistan as soon as you return.

When you reach Pakistan, your father will set your marriage date with your desi cousin. Do not worry though... the stranger you met in Europe will come to your rescue (provided you told him where your village is in Pakistan). He'll have a pretty tough job convincing everyone that he's a better match for you, but everything will turn out good in the end.

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Re: can I have some advice from people who may be known to this problem?

I don't think anyone on here wishes to put OP in danger or encourages her to actively runaway from home. However; there are are organisations in the UK that assist women to seek sanctary until such a time they can return to their normal life or to their family without danger of a forced marriage etc.

Please be wise OP, no amount of online support can give you the courage you need to do what is right for you. That comes from within.

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Re: can I have some advice from people who may be known to this problem?

@Brahmachari99; I really do hope that you never need to seek online support or help from others with that type of attitude towards a potentially dangerous situ.

And for the record; the Bollywood film you are referring to is the tip of the iceberg in regards to marriage in the desi community. It was by no means a true reflection of what happens.

If we (Muslims) understood the true concept of marriage then they (parents such as the ones OP has) wouldn't be forcing their backward ways on their children. They would in fact support their child's decision and find them a partner that suited their child's needs and would be able to actively encourage their child to have a happy and joyful life.

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Re: can I have some advice from people who may be known to this problem?

That is my faviourtie movie and I wish that my father would agree to that, but that is NEVER going to happen lol

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True, I agree. It would be very helpful if people were aware and understood their rights and responsibilities.

Coffeegirl,
Does your Mum watch out for her children’s best interest or on the same page with your father? Depending on her views, you can try to appeal to her side that would want her daughters to have a better life than hers. You need to have a plan (possibly have £ saved, place & people to turn to, possible job and universities to attend) before you talk to her, incase things backfire and they further restrict you.

If you Mum wants you to marry a cousin and follow in her footsteps, then you could share that your family trip to Pakistan could be a waste of £ since you all do not qualify to sponsor the future son-in-law. Surely, they won’t want to waste money. You could propose that once you get education and a job, it would lift your family out of dependence on the government. Maybe your dad doesn’t mind living off of the state but maybe your Mum might find self reliance more appealing and support your efforts in becoming more self sufficient.

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Here in the States, it is fairly easy to get an entry level job even without a university education. For example, many companies need administrative help and hire people through temp agencies.

If you know how to speak proper english, can type at a good pace without mistakes, read/write, and have basic analytical skills, you should apply at the temp agency.

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Re: can I have some advice from people who may be known to this problem?

I agree with Peony, start touching base with Staffing Agencies. My friend only completed her high school & never really attended college. (She moved to Uk btw). She was able to get an admin/secretary position through a staffing company. This way you can build your experience & study. which will inshallah lead you to a good and better job.

May you be successful with what you need to accomplish(ameen) & inshallah everything turns out to be fine :flowers:

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Re: can I have some advice from people who may be known to this problem?

Jk

It is actually not that easy any more. I am highly computer literate and have good to excellent language skills, have more than a school education and am in the middle of doing high level education and I cannot even get a single general admin job. I also know other people who have struggled with this despite being highly skilled.

Nevertheless it is good advice and I appreciate it :slight_smile:
At the moment, with my father’s blessings…I am volunteering at my local Citizens Advice full time just so that I have more experience on my hands so I am at the moment being able to step out of the house myself :slight_smile:

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Re: can I have some advice from people who may be known to this problem?

Just thought I would do a quick update, I tried to talk to my mum today but it what I worked out was that she wanted us to be happy but apart from the family she knew....she thought the whole world was evil and out to get me so all in all I achieved talking to a wall again and again.
It did establish that she was willing to listen to the Islamic point of view :)

Nevertheless, I shall be having another talk with her as today I kind of got angry and may have said hurtful things to my mum so I will attempt to talk to her again but just regarding the marriage issue rather than all the other issues in our lives because my poor mum just looked worried and I do not want to increase the load of worry on her.