can I have some advice from people who may be known to this problem?

Lifestyle Relationships
21

Re: can I have some advice from people who may be known to this problem?

I'm not sure if this is a possibility, but since you are the oldest and I think at 17 are still considered a youth... Can you get any kind of social services involved to remove yourself and your sisters from the house? The only reason I wouldn't do this is because of leaving your mother there but they could probably work to get all of you out - mom included. That's what I would do in this situation mostly because I've read several stories of girls like you, living in situations like yours and they wind up dead at the hands of their father and aided by their mother and siblings out of fear.

At this point I wouldn't trust any family (uncles, aunts, cousins, etc).. they're more likely to rat you out and get you in more trouble. But that's just my opinion.

22

Re: can I have some advice from people who may be known to this problem?

Leaving your home country and going to another country to which you are a complete stranger puts you at even greater control of your father than you are currently in.

It doesn't matter how many friends of yours have your details. They will be thousands of miles away. Running away in a strange country is not only daunting but far more dangerous than in your own country where you speak the language and know the ins and outs of how things work.

Establish a relationship with the local masjid and have the Imam talk to your dad. If you're not educated and do not have your own job and means to get your own money, you will be at the mercy of ill informed and illogical people.

23

Re: can I have some advice from people who may be known to this problem?

I think you going to Pakistan is a HORRIBLE idea! Once there, your father can do whatever he wants to (with help from his family). Your passport, access to phone/internet could be easily taken away. There are plenty of horror stories out there. I'm pretty sure you don't have have addresses for your dad's family in Pakistan....and even if you did, your dad (with his family's help) could easily have you physicall taken/held captive somewhere else. Your friends and UK agencies can't help you if they can't locate you. And IF they do end of find you.....who knows what sort of things you would be subjected to by then (assuming your father doesn't go as far as having your murdered....which is something I wouldn't put past him based on what you wrote).

24

Re: can I have some advice from people who may be known to this problem?

Why do these backward pindoos come to the West when they do not want to adapt to it even slightly....however they have no problem accepting welfare money.

25

Re: can I have some advice from people who may be known to this problem?

Yes I already have a plan of what i will do if I am forced. Every single thing in the plan has been finalized hundreds of times.

My mum wants the best for us and also said, she would not welcome anyone from outside the family because she just would not get along (I'm not worried about my mum, she is easy to persuade but she says, the marriage thing is good because you will have to get married some day and also its a sunnat and stuff like that.

26

Re: can I have some advice from people who may be known to this problem?

Aunties and everyone are in Pakistan and I don't talk to them often but I can guess, they would rat me out as I'm a sorta free passport for their sons....which is what my dad does not seem to be getting!!

I am 18 so legally an adult. My mum will not leave, I have tried to persuade her so much.

27

Re: can I have some advice from people who may be known to this problem?

The problem is that my dad does not believe in any of the local imams and he says, none of them know what they are talking about and they all just care for money ( because they run on donations so ask for charity) and also

At the moment, I had quite a large sum of money saved up and my dad would not give me hold of my account until I turned 18...so luckily I can more or less control my finances but he always comes to me for money and doesn't ask me...he just goes...give me your card and pin and then takes the money. So now I am left with no savings apart from some that I managed to hide from him.

I'm worried that when I get a job, he will do the same with my salary.
I have been looking for job for over a year but have been un-successful so far.

28

Re: can I have some advice from people who may be known to this problem?

I totally agree with you :) Inshallah I will teach my children to stand on their own feet rather than live of benefits which is what my dad does and he uses all the benefits for building the house rather than giving us decent upbringing. Some weeks we have to limit the food we buy because he uses it all up. I can't remember the last time my mum bought something for her self....I have learnt not to be selfish ;)

29

Re: dad wants me to marry a cousin in pakistan

Firstly, I will apoligise in advance for offending you as it's likely I will do so in this post. I'm basing my outlook on what you have said.

You say your way of thinking is more British than Asian yet your Father literally has his brain, heart, soul etc etc stuck back in Pakistan. He didn't want you to get an education and clearly likes control. So basically even though hes been in England hes been living like a Pakistani from a village with no intention of changing or adapting to life and he didn't want you or your family to do so either. So my question is why do you expect anything different to what is actually happening?

Conversative is not how your Father is thinking. That is actually insulting to the Fathers who are conservative and actually wish to protect their child.

Do you seriously expect such a Father to take you to Pakistan and not FORCE you into a marriage to benefit himself?

So your father seems to be a lazy pendoo who throws his lazy weight about YET you are caught up in bad parenting. Who wants the best for you? Clearly not your parents. You say your Mother wants the best for you. So is she packing your bags for you and sending you off to somewhere your Father can't get to you?

If you are struggling to find a job you may wish to look at the main reason-there are plenty of girls out there with just A-levels and nothing beyond that. You need to stick out in the job market. This comes with more qualifications and experience.

So your Father doesn't believe in the local Imams because they ask for charity yet he happily claims WELFARE. What does he think that is? Compensation?!

Seriously, you need to think about what you want out of life. Being of Pakistani origin doesn't mean you have to be a pendoo or live like a second class citizen married to a pendoo chained to the sink all day whilst claiming benefits because you make more on them than working (the British Government is too soft-and that statement comes from my Grandfather who moved to the UK in 1957 and worked 18 hours a day 6 days a week for over 25 years).

Being a good Muslim is much more important than being a Pakistani to your Fathers standards! You need to think about yourself in this; not your siblings. They actually are not your problem. And if you take the abuse given to you others are likely to follow suit.

My Mothers Father in Pakistan had a similar way of thinking-although he did work so there's a bit of a difference. He didn't respect women, threw his weight around and constantly threatened by Nanoo with divorce. Imagine back in the day. She was an orphan and feared being lumbered with children and no source of income. Saying that though he was uneducated and didn't live in England. Most of my Khalas are married into good families and that was of course by the grace of ALLAH. My Nana worked damn hard to make her family work.

My Dada (grandfather) is his brother however my Dada chose to get an education back in the early 50s. He rode his bike to School and later College for miles to get there. He then moved to Karachi and made enough money to buy a ticket to England, and the rest for him is history.

We are a family of Hijaabis-out Dada never let go of our religion however culture he adapted to suit us. I'm proud of him and what my chacha (a Headteacher) and puppus have achieved. But none of this would be possible if my Grandfather hadn't been supportive with his children.
Before anyone asks-we are from the Punjab.

30

Re: dad wants me to marry a cousin in pakistan

Thank you so much for your reply. Funnily enough I did not find anything in it offence because you professed my mind in better words.

One thing I would like to make clear is that I am fighting for my education and am studying for my degree and on an active look out for work. I hate being on benefits, tbh I refused to go on benefits because I felt really bad because I felt like I did not deserve them but again my dad kept on and on and on and on at me about my 'right' from the government and so I claimed and am getting a source of money which is not my dads, However I would love to come of them today if I can.

My values will not instate me to live a life of benefits.

Thanks to everyone who has replied and helped.
This is what I plan to do Inshallah...

I plan on telling my parents straight out no and saying I am not going to Pakistan to see what happens.
Also in a few weeks time, my dad's sister is coming from Pakistan so I shall be seeing what she is like and see what sort of views she holds and it will hopefully make things clearer to me.
I will also Inshallah with all your dua's be successful with a job.
Many of the strong answers on here has made me very very determined again so JK for that, May Allah reward you abundantly.

One thing, I would like cleared is whenever I try and contradict my father....he resorts with

' you are disobeying me and children who disobey their parents always fall on their feet and are never successful'

what can I say to him that is Islamically correct and strong enough to send him quite?

31

Re: can I have some advice from people who may be known to this problem?

That's great MashAllah about your education. Work wise though; until you get your degree or more experience in your own field you may have to keep sending out CV's but InshAllah all good things come to those who wait.

I think you need to realistically think about how your Father will react to your rejection of his plan. And I mean seriously. How far could he go to get his own way?

Also, you say your Aunt is coming over to the UK-I am assuming she has a sponsor so you have other family/close friends around your family. Is there anyone you can speak to about the situation?

Re: disobeying. Most parents in a similar situation attempt the old brainwashing technique. What you need to do is speak to an Alimah. You can consult them online. Be honest with them and see what they have to say.

A friend of mine was being forced into a marriage a long time ago. She wanted to get married from the UK but her father wanted to bring over his nephew from Mirpur. The Alimah asked my friend what her issue was with the ristaa. She was honest and said she wanted to marry someoen who had a similar education to herself, and was ideally settled in the UK as she didn't think a long distant relationship with a man she had nothing in common with was a good idea. The Alimahs consulted a few seniors and got back in contact with her and said as she wasn't refusing marriage completely or doing anything 'bad' they advised her to speak to her parents openly about the situation as she wasn't actually disobeying any law of Allah. In fact they actually said marriage wasn't something that must be done; however to avoid sin it's advisable.

As I said speak to an Alimah, explain your situation and seek their advice and guidance.

They may actually suggest Duas for the job situ too.

32

Re: can I have some advice from people who may be known to this problem?

You sound like a wonderful and capable person. No offence, but your dad sounds awfully selfish, by not letting you get an education or supporting you guys himself. At the end of the day, you have to look out for yourself, because sadly, he doesn't seem to be. Good luck with your situation, I'm praying you find a way out of it InshAllah xx

33

Re: can I have some advice from people who may be known to this problem?

Also if he's looking to get you married to someone from his side of the family, chances are they're just as narrow minded as he is :/

34

Re: can I have some advice from people who may be known to this problem?

my heart just broke.

Tell him a man who doesn’t fulfill the rights of his wife and daughter is just as sinful as the disobedient offspring.

Please get out and take your mom with you.

Also read this thread, it has a very interesting description of Mirpur and its boys awaiting their British cousin brides.

http://www.paklinks.com/gs/travel-and-tourism/599590-travel-to-kashmir.html

35

Re: can I have some advice from people who may be known to this problem?

My mother will not listen no matter how much I tell her to. Sometimes I pray to Allah that if he is not going to make the situation better for us, at least take my mum to him so she does not suffer any more.

That may sound like the most horrible thing to say but i am not being selfish
Thanks :smiley: for the link, will be an interesting read :slight_smile:

36

Re: can I have some advice from people who may be known to this problem?

I am not from the UK, but if in the worst case scenario, you have to marry your cousin, is it possible for you to sponsor him to come to UK? I heard now the rules are making it more difficult. So you need a certain amount of money in the bank, or you need to be working at a job that has a certain income level, and you cant be on government benefits. You may want to bring this up to your father as an argument against marrying someone from Pakistan. Letting him know that even IF you were to marry his nephew, in your current situation, you will not be able to sponsor him. This may buy you enough time to finish your degree, and get a good job, which will enable you to support yourself and your sisters, and not have to rely on your parents.

Im really sorry you are going through all of this, and I pray to Allah to make this easier for you and your sisters.

37

Re: can I have some advice from people who may be known to this problem?

Thank you for this, one thing I have not searched, will be googling this now :)

38

Re: can I have some advice from people who may be known to this problem?

Coffeegirl, there are ways around this law desis find a way round things that don't suit!.

The law states you must be earning over £18,000 a year. You need to provide 6 months wageslips, and provide documentation to prove you have somewhere to live.

The issue is desi people have found the following tricks to get paperwork through the HO and people are likely to advise your father of these:

1) there have been folks who pay people with property and legally put businesses into the said girl/boys name to prove earnings. This gives them a fixed amount of earning on top of their standard say £12,000 a year income which takes them over the government required threshold.

2) self employed folk are 'docking' their income to get round the loophole.

So basically desi folk have found ways around the requirement.

My advice-stay strong and avoid the idea of potentially getting married and not bring spouse over.

There are plenty of organisations and even womens refuges who you could contact for support.

Forced marriages are a reality the HO are aware of. Ideally you don't want to get tangled up in one.

I doubt highly your Father will listen to a word you say in regards to the threshold earnings. My mothers cousins husband refuse to listen to us when we explained his 17 year old daughter couldn't bring over her husband because she was underage. They submitted the paperwork, it was refused. She waited around her pendoo partner got too big for his boots and she's now moved onto marriage number 2.

Good Luck!

39

I know 3 girls who succumbed to family pressure into forced marriage. It was emotionally and mentally and not to mention financially a hardship.

Don't walk into a terrible situation.

If you are 18, are you not a legal adult in UK? You receive your own state benefits therefore have your own money, obviously you speak English, read, write and can function in UK society, & you are prohibited from basic rights to become self sufficient.

Why not rent a room in some family's house and pursue a university education and become financially independent so that you can help the younger sisters and Mum. Ending up married to someone who would be domineering and controlling will not help you, your sisters, or your Mum.

40

Re: can I have some advice from people who may be known to this problem?

I COMPLETELY agree with this. I couldn't believe it myself, but this has happened to a friend of mine, and recently I've heard several stories of girls born/raised in the US/Canada/UK who were taken to Pakistan on the pretense of visiting or "just looking" and were forced to get married once they were there.