can I have some advice from people who may be known to this problem?

Lifestyle Relationships
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Hello everyone, i am new to this forum so excuse any ignorance!

Bit of background, I come from a family with 5 daughters, mum and dad. We have been living in the UK ever since our childhood so our thoughts/aims values are more british than asian.

Even so my dad has always been a strict dad, sometimes i find our family really odd. He has always been the type of person who sits on his backside expects everything to be done for him, being strict with us meant that we were not allowed out by our selves …ever…even today and I am now 18.

My A levels were hard fought for because he did not want me to go to school as there were only mixed sixth forms here, i managed to do my a levels and then was forbidden from university through which i compromised that I will do my studies through the open university.

My dad has stopped me from working, having my own friends…to doing anything that is even remotely normal. He barges into my room at all hours of the day and night without a consideration for the fact that I am a grown girl and may be doing something. He checks through my letters, anything I may be holding in my hand…goes through my drawers etc etc…

I have managed to live with all the above even though at times, it can get soo annoying. My dad is what you would call a very very very very very very very very conservative pakistani.

Anyway that aside, last year he sat me and down and said he wanted me married by the end of the year (17) in Pakistan to someone in the family. He basically laid all this out to me without asking me…so basically in the family and nowhere else and he doesn’t get along with my mum’s side of the family so just in his family.

Don’t mind that I was 17 at the time, hardly done my a-levels…haven’t got a job to support myself…so I just sat there in silence.

Now I am 18 and because we weren’t able to go last year because of financial difficulties ( he doesn’t work and spends all our welfare money and stuff on building this other house that he has bought which is apparently for me and my husband so that we can live in peace for a few years :eek: )

This year the plans to go are final in the summer, everything is ready…BUT I have said no to my parents time and time again to getting married and neither of them are prepared to listen to me. So I compromised and said, yes I shall have a look at the guys in Pakistan but am not promising anything. My dad got really angry at this and said to my mum …where does your daughter think all the money comes from that she only wants to go there and ‘look’ …no…i am not coming back until she is married.

Sorry this is gotten long, but seriously…does this stuff still happen often…this getting married to cousins?? I have thrown all the Islamic arguments to them but they just will not listen. Also my dad has a few sisters and most of their sons are like old now and only one sister with sons of my age and I haven’t heard good stuff about these sons, apparently they flirt and chase other girls and are not good.

I don’t know what to do anymore, everytime I say no to cousins my mum says to me in a worried tone…to aur kiya karo ge!!!

?? Help anyone?

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Re: can I have some advice from people who may be known to this problem?

Honestly? Don't go Pakistan whatever you do. Stop being naive that you will only go and 'look' because of the way your father is, it's quite certain that you WILL get married over there.

Is there anyone else that can talk some sort of sense into him who he trusts? Maybe a brother, or a friend?

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Re: can I have some advice from people who may be known to this problem?

well for one, be ready for barrage of people to be offended that you don't wnat to marry a cousin frm Pakistan.

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Re: can I have some advice from people who may be known to this problem?

Many of my friends have given me advice of running away but its not so simple because I can't effectivley leave my sisters in the same path.

Also how can I not go? No body is listening to me and I have set boundaries for myself when I do go. But at the end of the day, I'm just scared

No brother and no friends and no mufti's/mulvis as my father thinks they are all modern and have no idea what Islam is :(

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Re: can I have some advice from people who may be known to this problem?

If you go, you will be married off. You wont have a choice.

Best is to get a job. When you have sufficient funds, you can move out. Then you can look out for your siblings.

The first step is to strive for your being independent.

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Re: can I have some advice from people who may be known to this problem?

I wouldn't advise running away. If you don't have anybody around to help you out, then you can approach a support service to help you out. I know Karma Nirvana deal with issues such as forced marriages.

Also, have you tried the tactic of threatening to call the police? It might work, but do think about the repercussions of doing so because it might put you in severe danger (only you can judge what your father may do if you do use this tactic). Myself and others can only give general advice from what you have told us.

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Re: can I have some advice from people who may be known to this problem?

lol seems like you're a younger version of a friend who is going through the exact same thing right now.

well firstly, you don't need to feel alone.. i know quite a few brit girls who have had this issue and i'm appalled and disgusted by the mentality of their parents. i hope you find a way out of this. second, you're going to need to build a relationship with any elder in your family who can try and get you out of this mess because running away is NOT an option especially if you have younger siblings.. you have to be their role model and you have to set a standard for them. running away will not do that, but you have already stated this so good for you! i doubt you can speak to any officials either because you're scared that you will lose contact with your family, specifically your siblings and mum.

sounds like a difficult ordeal, have you tried to reason with your mum separately from your dad? try to get your mum on board. tell her you don't mind at all getting married but you want to wait and get yourself established before thinking of bringing a husband into your life. maybe if you also mention to your mum that the potentials your dad has chosen for you aren't the right sort of guys.. i doubt any mother wants her child to get married to an arsehole.

you could also, learn to burp really loudly, grow out your leg/moustache/eyebrow/arm hair and scream any urdu gaaliyan you know every time they are around in pakistan so that way they will think you're a crude girl with tourette's and not touch you with a barge pole. (this would be my option)

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Re: can I have some advice from people who may be known to this problem?

I would suggest you not going to Pakistan. I know it's hard and you really have no other option but there is no way you'll be able to dodge the rishta or marriage. No matter how rude or crude you behave or act, you cousins family will likely not care. They just want their son to go abroad and settle, and he can even leave you after so that's not their main concern.

I say you should try to get some community members involved and ask them to talk to your father. If anything he can't force you in the UK whereas he will likely do with blackmail in Pakistan. You've been grown up in an environment of free will and are educated, and as for the question of Islam, it grants you the rights to have a say in who you want to marry and deny if youre being forced.

You're not alone, there are many others going through the same. You don't have to be rude to your parents but you can speak. They can't forcefully take you to the airport or drag you to Pakistan. You're the eldest and therefore it's up to you to change the tradition, you dont want your sisters to go through the same.

  • try talking to some family friends and ask them to talk to your parents and make them understand
  • if you can talk to your cousin, tell him you don't want to marry him
  • Try finding a job online and make some money
  • Do anything but don't go to Pakistan. There is no way you'll just be "looking" at the guy
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Re: can I have some advice from people who may be known to this problem?

Knowledge is power. I don't know what A level is. I assume high school. I don't know what an open Univ is. But I assume you are continuing your education thru open Univ.

Go to Khan Academy web site. Learn. And learn. When you get your degree get a job. Become financially independent. And do what you can to ensure siblings donthe same. But it starts with you.

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Re: can I have some advice from people who may be known to this problem?

This. And do NOT go to Pakistan, you WILL end up married.

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Re: can I have some advice from people who may be known to this problem?

This takes me back to my teenage years, seeing some of my classmates in the very same situation.

I saw girls running away from home, only to be found , dragged back and beaten by fathers, chachas, mamaus and brothers.

I am going to ask this, and sorry for sounding so extreme, but do you think will your father has the tendency for violence, or has at any time been violent towards you/sisters/Mum?

Where is your family from? Punjab? Karachi?

Whatever you do, do NOT go to Pakistan.

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Not sure what your ability is to get out and talk to support groups, but that is one thing I would advise strongly.

As far as not going out in your own because of what may happen to siblings, if you just give up, then that is the role model and example they will see. I have heard of a situation where the elder sister said no, so the parents said fine, your younger sister will take your place, and blackmailed her that way.

I have no idea what your home life is like and what your dad is capable of. I have to assume the worst, and this say that you have to watch out for your safety.

That I think, is more likely if you have some expert guidance and possibly even have the police know. Because you may move out may threaten to call the police, but if they have tickets say you are leaving in 10 minutes and if you don't go they are taking your sisters anyway, what will you do?

You will need proof that what you are saying is true, you being an adult can move out, but your sisters can't unless you have proof of force and coercion and pressure etc.

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Re: can I have some advice from people who may be known to this problem?

sorry to say this, but your dad seems to be a person, who left his 'pind' only to build another 'pind' in UK. I mean what is wrong with these people who leave their places, people, everything for the sake of money and after many years create same mess in their new home.

Even if you have to go to Pakistan, at least notify the British high commission in Islamabad through email etc. give them your details. I have read in papers that girls in similar situation as yours were rescued from forced marriages by the high commission people and sent back to UK. The interior ministry and police in Pakistan have to cooperate with them in these situations.

At least stay in touch with any friend of yours and alert her when situation is bad so that she can contact with them. Just make sure that things don't turn violent.

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Re: can I have some advice from people who may be known to this problem?

Men like your dad are a creation of women like your mom who put up with them and give them power of god. If women could just be a little bit stronger and got out of these suffocating conditions, it would be better for their kids and teach their daughters such as yourself not to take crap from anyone - especially to a point that a girl's basic human worth is being overlooked. So all those who are the first to advocate staying in unhealthy marriages for the sake of kids, take heed.

You should take your mother and your sisters and move the hell out. Go to a shelter and seek social assistance and then work hard. Go to school, get a job, grow and heal your mind and rinse all that crap he's put in it and catch up for the years you've missed. Want to talk about being a role model, what better way than this to show your sisters not to take any other man's crap ever again.

I'm saying the above because you say you don't want the life he wants for for and that your values are more British than asian. And because you want to go to school and live life differently. If any of this isn't the case and it's all talk then go ahead and keep doing what your mom did all her life: listen to your dad, go to Pakistan and marry a random cousin and raise another generation just like you.

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Re: can I have some advice from people who may be known to this problem?

how does the govt support a family of 7, I can't quite figure that out, ufff.... I hope there is a universal rule that able bodied men and women above the age of 16 can't collect welfare.

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Re: can I have some advice from people who may be known to this problem?

As long as there is any possibility of NOT going to Pakistan without risking physical harm to yourself, your sisters or your mother: DO NOT GO TO PAKISTAN!

As others have mentioned here you will not be able to stick to your boundaries once you are there. You will be married off. Sorry to sound so harsh, but idiots like your Dad do this kind of stuff all the time. And once you succumb to him, your sisters will follow suite.

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Re: can I have some advice from people who may be known to this problem?

i feel sorry for the situation you are in. it is really tough and horrible.
can you get this info that who is the particular cousin he has in mind for you for marriage?
can you try to get to know that guy or know things about him? may be that guy is not as bad as you are thinking.
besides this can you try to talk to the guy straight and tell him your concerns and that you don't want to get married to him?
if you fear that you telling him this directly could bring negative consequences then can you be a little diplomatic and talk to him in a way that would give him a impression that you are not refusing to marry but only wanting to delay this for some time. give any reasonable reason that you see can work and then at least bring that guy on board to at least delay this marriage thing.

come back to UK and then get out of this prison like life your DAD has created for you. get yourself some work, move out( i know it wont be easy) and be independent. if you take the challenge and stand for your rights may be then your father would know that you are his other daughters would not be his pawns anymore and that could be a deterring factor for him.
remember a person is only a dictator till he has people who succumbs to him, so stand up and change the game for yourself and yuor sisters.

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Re: can I have some advice from people who may be known to this problem?

My family is from Mirpur AK.

He used to be violent towards my mum, he slapped her about a few weeks a go but that's as far as it goes, his temper has been much better these past few years. I can't remember the last time he was violent.

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Re: can I have some advice from people who may be known to this problem?

Thank you for the advice. I have already got a few friends who have all my details and know the situation inside out and will be my helpline. I have the numbers of Uk agencies and the high commission in Pakistan but haven't rang them as of yet because I haven't got any flight details. When I have them, I shall ring and then go.

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Before you go have a plan of wat you will do if u r forced into marriage. Its highly likely that you will be. Isnt that the reason for going???.

Inform high commission before you leave and even other agencies who can provide you protection. Dont go. Simple. I know its hard to standup to ur parents. Bt you dnt know where you will endup.

Recently in aus a girl of some ethnic background had same issue. With the help of her school teachers she went to court and her detail was put on control exist list (watever its called). When she tried to leave with her father to get married, she couldnt leave the country.

Wats ur mums stand on this?