PSquared, I think only you can answer this question, because only you know how big of deal this is for your inlaws, how strongly they feel about this, how they will react to your having a mehndi function
That said, I think if you really are set on a mehndi party, you should try to reach a suitable compromise with them. Dont exclude them from this and say we will just do it and they dont have to come. See what exactly their issues are and then work with that. Since your MIL said she doesnt want your fiance to participate, then you can keep it ladies only. Since she doesnt want to have the Hindu traditions, then try to limit those rasms as much as you can. You can still have a fun party night for the girls, with singing and dancing
My point is, this wedding is a huge thing for you, a start in a new chapter of your life. You want it to start off in the best of ways, not in a way that might potentially upset your inlaws. Yes its your big day and you have the right to celebrate and be happy, but parents happiness and blessings are so important in marriage and in life in general. So keep them involved and try to keep them happy. Think of it this way, if it was your mom and dad who told you they dont want to do a mehndi function because they think its wrong, how would you react? Marriage is more than a union of 2 people, its a union of 2 families (I know, so cliche! But its true!). So try to work this out in the best way, so everyone is happy. You may not get your big huge mehndi function, but a small dholki party at home can be just as fun and meaningful and special --and who knows, maybe even more special
Thank you for all your responses everyone...it really does help with this because I dont want to be confused!
What is the difference between a dholki and mehndi? Im not sure.
We're a complete gaane-bajane vali family...within reason of course. Mehndi's are big with us because we're all girls and the ony time we get to do our thing is on the mehndi. The wedding is still a lot of fun but we dont get to go all out.
If I have a mehndi without the in-laws should I still make it a big one or keep it small scale? Should I even tell them Im having one? Or would that be wrong altogether? Im not trying to be rebellious here...I really do like my in-laws. They're very nice people and have always treated me well and been kind to me. I do not want to irritate them but I also dont want to give up on this.
Im thinking maybe I should do a small scale mehndi? Something that isnt too extravagant? My sisters' mehndis were very extravagant so maybe I should not do something so huge?
My sister didnt have a mehndi as my dad doesnt believe in them, but her husband did, they invited us, we delined, but it was all good.
I would do what you think best. Hopefully this will be your only wedding so you dont really want to have any regrets do you.
In my family a dholki is where only women get together, bang on the dholki and sing, sing, sing and some clapping till the early hours of dawn.
A mehndi, usually some men (mainly only family) attend, women put oil in the brides hair and mehndi on her hands and feed her sweet stuff and then lasses dance till my daddi decides enough and everyone needs to go home.
it depends PS, did ur sisters have an extravagant mehndi cuz the inlaws did come? it is really upto u on how u want to do it. u dont wanna live ur life regretting u had a small mehndi when what u really wanted was a big one. you should definitely definitely let them know ur having a mehndi.
I had a mehendi at home and mann it was so much fun. Lots of singing, and dancing ofcourse amongst the girls only. Maybe do something small scale at home but whtever you do, DO invite the inlaws. And i say let your parents handle it. You dont say much and let them take care of the talking.
Jin key shadi nahi hoi whoh ulti pattian parah rahay hain. Jin key shadi ho ga-e hay woh iss thread say door door hain. unkay zakham haray ho jatay hain kisee k shadee hotay dekh k.
I am the only voice of reason in this thread and all those kawanree larkian jin key shadi nahi hoi woh mujhay daant rahi hain aur PS bechari ko baghawat ka sabaq parah rahi hain.
If I have a mehndi without the in-laws should I still make it a big one or keep it small scale? Should I even tell them Im having one? Or would that be wrong altogether? Im not trying to be rebellious here...I really do like my in-laws. They're very nice people and have always treated me well and been kind to me. I do not want to irritate them but I also dont want to give up on this
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Definitely tell them what you have planned. It would be rude not to, and for sure they will find out anyways, so better for them to hear it from you guys
njgal, did u not have a halla gulla or BIG wedding..? hope ur getting my point..
i do understand what u mean, cz for time being ur like leave this leave that (may b financial reasons or whatevr) but later u WISH u had done it all....after all its once in a life time.(Allah k fazal se) :)
I had a huge wedding - the festivities didn't end for months... my dholki's, mayoon, mehndi and wedding was in U.S
Walima, other dolki's even after we got married were in Lahore. Guest flying back and forth
whew.... my advice is do what you want because it's not like you get a chance ever to do it again.
I think I danced on my wedding more than anyone. People were like
If you want to gain respect in your in laws family you should give in and forget your traditions. It is a man's world in desi families still. You cannot win them over till you win their hearts after your wedding. This issue seems to be at a point now where even if you have an all female and bride's side mehndi it might be a big blow to egos of your in laws so you and your family should handle this very delicately.
if thats how i'd be gaining their respect, i wouldn't be marrying into that family!
PSquared...if you don't end up having a 'mehndi', just know that you are not the first. I know many peeple who have a sangeet/raunak ceremony. It excludes the part where married women put a blob of mehndi on your hand or smudge your hair with oil, as these rasms orginate from hindus. Now some people may say that song and dance also originates from hindus. Well, dancing is obviously prohibited in Islam but singing and playing an instrument i.e. dufli is acceptable as this was done at the Holy Prophet's (p.b.u.h.) time.
I'd definitely sugest that you invite you in-laws to a modified version of this event and let them decide whether they'd like to attend or not.
p.s. having the groom at the mehndi/sangeet/raunak is so not necessary. It's menat for ladies only. In fact, many of my 'modern' Indian freinds find it so shocking that Pakistani's have a combined mehndi. It's more fun b/c it's for ladies only. But then again, to each their own!
my nand gt married 4 days before me n even tho they were sooo set on nt havin a mehndi , the guys side turned up on the nikah day and gt her a mehndi suit and she changed into it and they had a dholki / dance mehndi type thing
but we told them from before whether they like it or not , we are having a mehndi and they all participated equally . aveen pehlay na keh rahe thay
I don't think they have any right to tell you what to do and not to on your wedding day, esp since they're not paying a single dime of it. It's your own family function they have no reason to butt in.
I agree they do not have any kind of rights , they are only in laws to be , they are not her in laws yet, so they have no legal rights to tell her or her family their likes and dislikes. In fact they are people who are from Venus and she is from Mars therefore their likes and dislikes do not match therefore they should just keep quite and wait till she has been marries into their family , even then they will have no rights only her husband will have some rights and more responsibilities .
There is no concept of family and family values where we come from .
In fact she has right to tell them to bugger off as she is not married into their family yet. :hinna:
And I am sorry for telling her to compromise and to earn their respect. They do not deserve any kind of privileges for being so backward and cave people. They have to earn her respect by allowing her to do whatever she wished before and after marriage. Our women have progressed a lot and have come a long way to claim their rights.
Then they wonder why their MILs , FILs, BILs and SILs are so mean to them. :hinna:
Our women have progressed a lot and have come a long way to claim their rights.