So my brother (he’s 24) has been seeing someone for the past few years and is pretty serious with her. I don’t really care that much for her - I mean I’m pretty indifferent to who he dates or whatever… My parents come from a very conservative family and love marriages haven’t really happened neither worked out for anyone.
Now my brother’s been trying to convince my parents, but they aren’t too happy about it. They stay with their traditional values of “any larki who’s sat on the front seat of your car holds no respect in our eyes..”
Now this girl has been trying too hard to win our hearts obv. I’ve had in my friends list on fb and msn and stuff but when I was younger and unmarried (and immature) everytime my bro and I fought, I’d delete her to hit his nerve. Now I’ve moved on from that and well.. she’s been in my contact list ever since but I don’t really talk to her too much. She remains to be my brother’s gf.
Recently I was at mom’s and came across all these pictures… It seems that since the past year or so my brother has personally introduced our little sister to this girl too. There are various pictures of them eating out.. going to see the movies blahblah. This sister of ours is in grade 10. I was all shocked and I didn’t really react to it, but I am worried. I mean I don’t care who my brother dates/ insists on marrying. But I don’t want his informality with this whole dating-before-marriage thing to rub off on my little sister. Which it possibly will.
Eventually she will see that it really is ok to date behind parent’s back and obv my brother will fully approve of it b/c he didn’t find no shame in taking my sister to meeting personally with his gf, who also recently became a hijabi!
My parents are diabetics and high-blood pressure parents. I don’t want to cause any mental stress for them when I am far away, happy in my own house/ life. But I DO talk to my family everyday and now it’s becoming impossible for me to hold this back any longer.
Your views..?? Should I even be worried? Like I said, my only worry is my sister.. she’s in high school and I wouldn’t want to see her ruined, ever, Allah forbid. But my brother’s example is like a shove on her back to follow suit. What should I do..??? My parents don’t have the slightest idea of all this..
i believe you should talk to your brother and voice your concerns, i am pretty sure he will take offence initially but if he really cares he will understand and take the necessary steps.
I was having a convo with 2 aunties yesterday, one born and raised in UK and the other born and raised in Pak...both religious. I came to know that Islamically, a guy and girl don't need their parents approval to get married. Islamically if 2 people like each other, they can get married, since marriage is farz and they aren't doing anything wrong. However in our made up cultural society's eyes, it is wrong. Just like how our culture doesn't accept nikkah as shaadi, and only allows guy/girl to live together after "ruksati" sigh. Your brother is old enough to marry whoever he wants, when he wants, if he wants. He knows whats best for him. Same with your sister, she is old enough to know right from wrong. Best you can do as a sister is advise her calmly if she does do something wrong. Socializing with guys, having guy friends, as long as it's in public, and they aren't alone, it's totally okay! :)
I was having a convo with 2 aunties yesterday, one born and raised in UK and the other born and raised in Pak...both religious. I came to know that Islamically, a guy and girl don't need their parents approval to get married. Islamically if 2 people like each other, they can get married, since marriage is farz and they aren't doing anything wrong. However in our made up cultural society's eyes, it is wrong. Just like how our culture doesn't accept nikkah as shaadi, and only allows guy/girl to live together after "ruksati" sigh. Your brother is old enough to marry whoever he wants, when he wants, if he wants. He knows whats best for him. Same with your sister, she is old enough to know right from wrong. Best you can do as a sister is advise her calmly if she does do something wrong. Socializing with guys, having guy friends, as long as it's in public, and they aren't alone, it's totally okay! :)
I disagree with you on that one, Islamically a lot of things are not wrong that our culture has condemned and I do agree with that, but going against parents wish hurting family for another person etc are not the best things you can do either. I know when you want to be with someone it is not wrong to get this feeling, however no where in Islam is it allowed for a Girl to go and communicate or hangout in public as well with a Na mehram, It is as a matter of fact forbidden so if you are giving reasons based on Islam get the facts right please.
Now my brother's been trying to convince my parents, but they aren't too happy about it. They stay with their traditional values of "any larki who's sat on the front seat of your car holds no respect in our eyes.."
Now this girl has been trying too hard to win our hearts obv. I've had in my friends list on fb and msn and stuff but when I was younger and unmarried (and immature) everytime my bro and I fought, I'd delete her to hit his nerve. Now I've moved on from that and well.. she's been in my contact list ever since but I don't really talk to her too much. She remains to be my brother's gf.
Recently I was at mom's and came across all these pictures... It seems that since the past year or so my brother has personally introduced our little sister to this girl too. There are various pictures of them eating out.. going to see the movies blahblah. This sister of ours is in grade 10. I was all shocked and I didn't really react to it, but I am worried. I mean I don't care who my brother dates/ insists on marrying. But I don't want his informality with this whole dating-before-marriage thing to rub off on my little sister. Which it possibly will.
Eventually she will see that it really is ok to date behind parent's back and obv my brother will fully approve of it b/c he didn't find no shame in taking my sister to meeting personally with his gf, who also recently became a hijabi!
My parents are diabetics and high-blood pressure parents. I don't want to cause any mental stress for them when I am far away, happy in my own house/ life. But I DO talk to my family everyday and now it's becoming impossible for me to hold this back any longer.
Your views..?? Should I even be worried? Like I said, my only worry is my sister.. she's in high school and I wouldn't want to see her ruined, ever, Allah forbid. But my brother's example is like a shove on her back to follow suit. What should I do..???? My parents don't have the slightest idea of all this..
So your brother is not an innocent angel either for holding her hand and dating. So what makes you think your brother deserves some shareef girl who wont be dating behind parents back?? I think he deserves someone whos just as non shareef as him.
And even if dating is wrong, he isnt just using her like that. He wants to marry the girl he loves! What the hell is wrong with you? Put an end to his "sinful" life of his and let him get married
if you can provide some proof, citations from the Qur'an or any valid hadiths then I'll believe you..but if a guy and girl are within their limits, not alone, and they are talking..there is nothing wrong. You are talking to girls on this forum too. You can't avoid talking to someone of the opposite sex, especially if you are in school, working, out shopping, etc. You are bound to communicate with someone of the opposite gender. It's not gunnah. If a guy and girl have pure intentions, there is no harm. As I said, desis put too much emphasis on culture and what society thinks. Please Allah (SWT) that's all that matters, noone else :) Also During our Prophet Mohammad (SAW) time, gatherings weren't segregated. If I am wrong about anything I've said, please feel free to correct me. Thanks!
Is there anything about the actual girl - her personality, behavior etc that you dislike?
He can socialize with her Islamically as long as they aren't getting physical and their intentions are pure. He has introduced her to you guys and wants to marry her. You should have some frigging respect and wish them well instead of creating trouble.
Your brother is in LOVE! deal with it. He wants to MARRY this girl. Get over it!
Whether ur brother introduced this girl to his little sister or not, IF she was to get a boyfriend she wud she has her own mind and doesnt need anyone else to get influenced. As u sed shes now wears hijaab.
I dont know whats wrong with guys sisters and why they do this. Its pathetic, let him be happy with who he wants, and get to know her and maybe u can go out with them too!
Even if your brother and his gf did "unislamic" things, they were BOTH involved. Not like she tied him up and forced him. Now it would be really wrong for him to marry a shareef girl who has never been on a date since he isn't so pure anymore.
"My parents are diabetics and high-blood pressure parents. I don't want to cause any mental stress for them when I am far away, happy in my own house/ life. But I DO talk to my family everyday and now it's becoming impossible for me to hold this back any longer"
.... as are 99% of desi parents out there. Even if they had something much worse, they have no right to black mail your brother. This is life not some bollywood movie. Stop creating all this drama. Sounds like your brother would've been married by now if not for you and your folks. You guys are commiting a sin by not allowing him to marry who he choses. Get off your high horse. You're married now - stay happy with your family and let your brother stay happy with his wife.
Who knew that a high fat and salt diet could hold so much emotional leverage.
I am the first person to lambast my bros gf. In fact, i call her fat-kermit, which is mean because it is true. But this girl is a kameeni in her own right, so I stand by my observation of her deformed skull and weight issues
However, objectively speaking - you are being the hellish brat SIL that so many of our fabulous life 1 threads are dedicated to.
oh man. I'm surprised how ALL of you totally misread my point. Like I said, I am INDIFFERENT to what my brother does/ dates/ marries. (like did you all NOt read my post..?? or perhaps the topic of my post is prolly misleading).
I have asked all of you your opinion on whether I should inform my parents (which I don't really want to) of the fact that my brother's been taking my sister out to meet his gf behind their backs. My issue would only be when my sister starts dating and my brother approves of it. Like I said, I come from a conservative family. This is all not normal for us. All of us had arranged marriages, or even if we liked someone, it all worked out pretty arranged style. I just feel that whatever I did (esp if I was an older brother to sisters) I would keep it to myself. The last thing I would do is take my sister out to meet with my intendeds. All she will learn is that it's A-ok to date and meet up like that.
And yeah, Islamically, it is OK to marry who you like. But you're not allowed to meet up with non mehrams like that either. All of us know what happens when 2 non-mehrams who are attracted to each other meet like that all the time. My brother can do what he wants, it's his life. I just don't like the fact that he's now choosing the same path for my sister. My sister is still pretty young to be scheming up like that.
Seems like most of you come from families where dating is ok, and you all marry who you want, at whatever age/time suits you best. That's not the case with my family.
So yeah, instead of bashing on me (and other sisterinlaws in general), why don't you read my post again, and see what I'm really asking your opinion on!!
Maybe there is a reason your brother felt more comfortable introducing his girlfriend to your younger sister rather then you? Maybe he feels its time she got to know his family since he wants to marry her? Maybe she is wearing hijab because she realizes the importance of religion and wants to get married to your brother and live a good life? Maybe its time for you to be there for him rather then against him? Maybe you should make this ordeal a little easier for your parents by helping them understand where your brother is coming from rather then ignite them against him.
See, you can either keep your family together or tear them apart. Which will you choose?
My advice:
Talk to your brother, advise him to keep your sister out of it. Other then that, its not your battle and you have no business getting in the middle of it.
My advice would be to try to convince your parents for a quick wedding between your brother and his girlfriend to put an end to this dating and unislamic non-mehran meeting. Instead of telling your parents that your brother has been taking your sister out, do something positive instead of negative. Telling your parents that your sister has been watching all of this will just make them more angry. So focus on the solution to this problem instead of making it worse.
oh man. I'm surprised how ALL of you totally misread my point. Like I said, I am INDIFFERENT to what my brother does/ dates/ marries. (like did you all NOt read my post..?? or perhaps the topic of my post is prolly misleading).
I have asked all of you your opinion on whether I should inform my parents (which I don't really want to) of the fact that my brother's been taking my sister out to meet his gf behind their backs. My issue would only be when my sister starts dating and my brother approves of it. Like I said, I come from a conservative family. This is all not normal for us. All of us had arranged marriages, or even if we liked someone, it all worked out pretty arranged style. I just feel that whatever I did (esp if I was an older brother to sisters) I would keep it to myself. The last thing I would do is take my sister out to meet with my intendeds. All she will learn is that it's A-ok to date and meet up like that.
And yeah, Islamically, it is OK to marry who you like. But you're not allowed to meet up with non mehrams like that either. All of us know what happens when 2 non-mehrams who are attracted to each other meet like that all the time. My brother can do what he wants, it's his life. I just don't like the fact that he's now choosing the same path for my sister. My sister is still pretty young to be scheming up like that.
Seems like most of you come from families where dating is ok, and you all marry who you want, at whatever age/time suits you best. That's not the case with my family.
So yeah, instead of bashing on me (and other sisterinlaws in general), why don't you read my post again, and see what I'm really asking your opinion on!!
Omg i cant believe u jus judged everyone like that. Whats wrong with u?
Why dont u ask ur brother not to take ur sister with him, Why wud u tell ur parents if already they have all these problems. Wudnt tht jus stress them out more? Why dnt u advise ur sister and how u feel abt her meeting ur brothers gf. Or better still why dont u help out ur brother and encourage ur parents shes a nice girl and what ever makes their son happy shud make them happy.
I dont actually get what ur so p*ssed abt, ur brothers 'irritating' girlfriend, (btw why is she so irritating? i dnt get that) Or the fact that ur little sister really likes her. (ur not jealous r u?)
Yeah I don't think he is introducing her to your sister in order to influence your sister but rather to start introducing her individually to members of your family.
Maybe you need to talk to your brother about possibly having a talk with your sister regarding where limits should be drawn.
And I detest how you're assuming they've done something wrong because they were meeting independently for a while. Maybe they have committed no Zina. Isn't it wrong for you to assume this girl is of low character?
Yeah we've been down that road too. My parents have a say in this but obv it's all upto my brother to do what he does. As for my parents approval, it may come at some point, but definitely not right now. He's still too young for marriage with our family standards. Most of the guys in my family get married late 20's. It's just been that way. I mean my bro's tried talking to my parents to take a rishta to her place and what not. They just say "all in good time". Right now he has to focus on his school. Which is also true. If he doesn't graduate, get a job, he can't support the larki anyways. And yeah, that's all VERY essential before we accept a rishta in our family, or send one :)
And I've seen tons of guys and girls married who are really not mature enough to handle inlaws and everyday life which happens after you've gotten comfortable with the newly married phase. This is why perhaps my parents are not sending in their approval. And given my bro's volatile nature, they're prolly right. He still needs a lot of growing up. But that's not the point. I just don't want my sister to be associated as someone's gf.
And you all hate me for being a typical sil. Someone or the other will eventually hate my sister too. She could have a happy secure life too like I did. Dating doesn't always end up happy!
Maybe there is a reason your brother felt more comfortable introducing his girlfriend to your younger sister rather then you? Maybe he feels its time she got to know his family since he wants to marry her? Maybe she is wearing hijab because she realizes the importance of religion and wants to get married to your brother and live a good life? Maybe its time for you to be there for him rather then against him? Maybe you should make this ordeal a little easier for your parents by helping them understand where your brother is coming from rather then ignite them against him.
See, you can either keep your family together or tear them apart. Which will you choose?
My advice:
Talk to your brother, advise him to keep your sister out of it. Other then that, its not your battle and you have no business getting in the middle of it.
My advice would be to try to convince your parents for a quick wedding between your brother and his girlfriend to put an end to this dating and unislamic non-mehran meeting. Instead of telling your parents that your brother has been taking your sister out, do something positive instead of negative. Telling your parents that your sister has been watching all of this will just make them more angry. So focus on the solution to this problem instead of making it worse.