both parents work, kids with inlaws?

[Decent_6Chora]

Re: both parents work, kids with inlaws?

life is not binary. You have to set priorities.

Personally I think, in first 3-4 years your kids ABSOLUTELY need you. This is very critical period of char building. So if being away from kids can be avoided during this period, it SHOULD be avoided. If its not possible, 2nd best thing is to have grandparents take care of kids (be it saas or maa).

I'd rather have my wife working and have my kids taken care off by my mom or my saas than earning them one meal a day (due to poverty) and having my wife sit at home with them. On the other other hand, If one of the parents can earn a decent life for whole family, I'd rather have one of them stay home with kids during their first 3-4 years.

My wife stayed home for our first child and I stayed home with our 2nd child

[Reha]

@nadz123

REHA, your blibbering. Just because I am preg/giving birth now whatever, wasnt the reason i posted this thread. god.

if you bother to read my first post again on this, i gave examples of what id seen, and knew. and i found that extremely poor. and I know this girl. Not looking at her from the outside.

I am talking about a certain lifestyle, giving kids to parents, who should be at their age, not contracted to it. I am not waiting for sob stories from people about how its necessary for them. i wasnt attacking anyone here, i was attacking the kind of thought where people expect their parents to look after their kids almost like its a prerequisite.

Like I said before…I dont know this type of thing as a lifestyle. Ive no idea who you’re hanging out with or the examples you’re seeing. But this isnt common AT ALL.

@nadz123

Honey, you dont need to justify anything, and i dont need to either, although its too late now. however, i was not attacking anyone personally, it was the train of thought that is common these days, especially when girls now have degrees/alot of experience and the common thought is oh well we alwyas have our parents..

alot of people go to work because they want to, i.e im not talking any old job, i know lots of girls who have trained to become laywers or something specialised like that, and their thinking is how can i give up my 2 years training now, i have to work, otherwise whats the point in my education blah blah…

i also saw a woman who out of desperation to pay bills, took up job as a cleaner/anything just to get some money.

i certainly dont compare the two situations and i did say time and time again, that extreme situations are different, and everyone is diff.

Okay, so again…what is wrong with a woman working if she wants to? If she can handle it and maintain a decent family life…who are we to judge her? You spend your whole life educating yourself for your career, then you get married, have a baby and someone tells you its wrong for you to pursue it. When do you get to do something for yourself? This goes back to the idea of why bother educating women, its not like they have to work…they only have to raise kids.

Another can of worms…

@MIAinVA

Uff larki, Pakistan mein bhi the grandparents have always taken care of the grandkids, even when the moms are not working and are at home… they LIKE doing it, you’re not forcing it upon them.

My MIL came to visit me two years ago and my daughter was still going to daycare, she ordered me to leave my daughter at home and spent all day doing her chores… from waking her, feeding her, giving her a bath to everything else… even after I came home, she would say let me play with her… she did it for 2 months straight and even now when I go to Pakistan, she takes over everything. The grandparents like taking care of their grandkids, it gives them a sense of happiness and belonging, I don’t know why you’re saying its forced on them.

Secondly, the sob story as you’re calling it is a real experience, a FACT as opposed to your assumptions about the grandparent relationship. I do not expect sympathy from people or them to say oh you’re an azeem khatoon… its stated as it happened, you just do what you gotta do in your circumstances…

Grandparents provide something parents cannot. They have their place and I would LOVE it if my kids could learn things from theirs. If someone feels like thats “dumping” my kids on them…so be it.

[nadz123]

Re: both parents work, kids with inlaws?

if you have an education and want to pursue career, why do you have kids in that time, why not wait, like alot of gorey, until they are done with their careers, and then have kids/try for kids. you can have both, as long as you can cope with both.

how would you feel if you overheard/realised your parents were not as happy with the situation as they let you think/as you think.

and maintaining a decent family life is what? i think handing them over the ANYONE 5 days a week, 9 hours a day, is not decent family life. my opinion, i am entitled to.as you are yours.

[Decent_6Chora]

if you have an education and want to pursue career, why do you have kids in that time, why not wait, like alot of gorey, until they are done with their careers, and then have kids/try for kids. you can have both, as long as you can cope with both.

how would you feel if you overheard/realised** your parents were not as happy with the situation** as they let you think/as you think.

and maintaining a decent family life is what? i think handing them over the ANYONE 5 days a week, 9 hours a day, is not decent family life. my opinion, i am entitled to.as you are yours.

1 in a 100 chance.

[nadz123]

Re: both parents work, kids with inlaws?

Yes but as far as i have heard from people, because i dont have kids, and got used to hearing from a few grandparents that they were tired or coudlnt go to such and such place that day because they had the kids over.....and its shameful. yet they stay quiet in front of their kids, dont want to hurt them. them caring for the kids here and there is all good, it shouldnt be exploited.

im surprised so many people here thinks its great that our parents in their old age have looked after us, and now we expect them to do the same again, when its our turn.

[Decent_6Chora]

Re: both parents work, kids with inlaws?

^ only if you can understand that they feel more energized and happy if they have their grand kids around even more happier than they will feel with you around them :)

[Reha]

if you have an education and want to pursue career, why do you have kids in that time, why not wait, like alot of gorey, until they are done with their careers, and then have kids/try for kids. you can have both, as long as you can cope with both.

how would you feel if you overheard/realised your parents were not as happy with the situation as they let you think/as you think.

and maintaining a decent family life is what? i think handing them over the ANYONE 5 days a week, 9 hours a day, is not decent family life. my opinion, i am entitled to.as you are yours.

Most (not all) women can manage to do both beautifully. Maybe you have poor examples around you and need to switch your social circle so you can see how its done. It has more to do with your company than anything else...

1 in a 100 chance.

Yup.

[nabz]

Re: both parents work, kids with inlaws?

nadz123...aren't you expecting? i assume you are planning on staying home and raising your child while your husband works? does he have a good enough job to provide comfortably for you and your child?

[yamahaguy]

life is not binary. You have to set priorities.

Personally I think, in first 3-4 years your kids ABSOLUTELY need you. This is very critical period of char building. So if being away from kids can be avoided during this period, it SHOULD be avoided. If its not possible, 2nd best thing is to have grandparents take care of kids (be it saas or maa).

I'd rather have my wife working and have my kids taken care off by my mom or my saas than earning them one meal a day (due to poverty) and having my wife sit at home with them. On the other other hand, If one of the parents can earn a decent life for whole family, I'd rather have one of them stay home with kids during their first 3-4 years.

My wife stayed home for our first child and I stayed home with our 2nd child

I agree life is not binary, but atleast one should have the decency to ask/check with their mother or MIL whether they want to raise your kids or not.
In normal circumstances its very easy to read mind of your mother or MIL.

[S02]

Re: both parents work, kids with inlaws?

Nadz, I believe that your point is that grandparents should not be forced into caring for grandchildren. Of course, no one is going to disagree with you there. But many people actually LOVE being able to do it. If it works for the family, what's the problem?

Parents never stop caring for their children. Just as yours are helping you out during a challenging time in your life, others will want to help out their daughters pursue the careers and degrees that are important to them. If they are able to work out a good system where everyone in the family feels like a needed and productive member, isn't that great?

I wanted to be home and raise my daughter, at least for the first few years. My MIL did offer to help out, but her daughter just went off to college, and I didn't want to restrict them when they had just gotten their freedom. And my mother said she would love to if she could (she works). But I wanted to be at home and my career is not severely affected by my choice to take a break. I do think it was the right choice for me and our family, but I definitely have good alternatives.

When I run errands, both mom and MIL happily watch her, as do her grandpas. Mymother actually seems to really crave the contact with her. My father stops by regularly to play and look after her so I can get some chores done. They love feeling connected to her and they are productive (this has been particularly important for my father who was laid off a while ago and has been struggling to find work). It's amazing what Bunny's birth has do e to rejuvenate my parents. After my surgery, when I was at my parents, my mother insisted on taking her over night, even when she had work the next day. It was something she really wanted to do and she knew it gave me a break. She was looking out for me and getting some bonding time with her granddaughter.

Anyway, my point is that you cannot assume about others' family situation like you did. About grandparents saying they can't do such and such because of the kids, sometimes they are making and excuse. Sometimes they really mean it. Parents say the same things; doesn't mean they would give up their child.

I do think that in such situations, parents should consult grandparents when planning vacations, so that they can get time off to travel and visit others. It would be good to work from home some days too, if possible, or try to take days off here and there, to give the grandparents flexibility. The point is, as long as everyone is co tributing, being open and considerate, this situation can be wonderful for the child and her/his family members.

[S02]

Re: both parents work, kids with inlaws?

Oh, and I have also seen instances where nani dadi have pressured the woman into having the kid even while studying, with promises of childcare. Tho I don't think women should give in to this kind of pressure, many do.

[S02]

I agree life is not binary, but atleast one should have the decency to ask/check with their mother or MIL whether they want to raise your kids or not. In normal circumstances its very easy to read mind of your mother or MIL.

Why is the assumption that these people have not asked.

[khawateen]

Re: both parents work, kids with inlaws?

maybe most of us posting here have awesome parents who are dying to take care of our kids and feel it a blessing

heck my in laws literally kick husband and me out just so they can spend time aloen with midget... my mil takes my son with her to work when she can cuz she wants to show him off... i used to find it wrong cuz we live on the 3rd floor and she walks to teh station but she craves it.. both of them literally go bonkers with my son everyday... its like they are 20 yrs old again.. their words we didnt enjoy our kids this much as we are enjoying our grand kid ..

and this isnt just my in laws.. all my girl friends have such wonderful buzurgs taking care of their kids

oh well..

[Sara516]

Re: both parents work, kids with inlaws?

Sahar nad Khawa…ur stories are so sweet mA… I, too, used to have ideas about what I would do when I had a kid but after, you know, living the last few years, I really have no idea what I would do. IA we’ll cross that bridge when we get to it…

I know of some grandparents who play favorites with their grandkids…who just want to play with the kids and kiss them, but time for a feeding or changing a diaper, over they go to the mother. they would never be okay with babysitting them… I dunno if thats fair or not…but its a blessing to have grandparents who are willing to watch the kids…

[S02]

Re: both parents work, kids with inlaws?

^ I think that's fair. Theybshouldn't be expected to do the dirty work.

[sadzzz]

Re: both parents work, kids with inlaws?

interesting responses.

I've actually come across a few grandparents who have outrightly said that they are not going to babysit. They have had kids.. did their bit and they're not going ot babysit grandchildren. But to each their own.

My mum took care of munchkin for a good 6 months when i went back to work initially. But she has two other granddaughters now who are living with her, so she helps out my bhabhi while bhabhi is at uni. Mum even offered to take on my daughter cus she feels bad about how much money we spend at daycare/kinder... but it just doent feel right to me. Plus, i feel my daughter is a lot more safer at a daycare than running mad at my mums place. Having said that, my parents both do feel that they miss out on munchkin a lot.. even though they have 2 granddaughters living with them. So, when I have asked mum if she could look after her for 2 hours... they are more than happy to do so.

It's funny cus when we're at gatherings and munchkin for whatever reason spends time with my parents... they will talk about it for days saying "munchkin sat with.... oh she sat with me too..." hehe..

My MIL loooves taking care of kids as well. All she wanted to do when she came here was take care of munchkin at the other grandkids.. but to be honest... im so vary of my parents and inlaws looking after the kids. Im constantly worried that something is gonna go wrong.. someone is gonna get hurt.. just crazy stuff.

You know ur own kid better than anyone else.. and can predict what they are gonna do next so are prepared for it. Someone who looks after them now and then.. wont know what to look out for. Grandparents and other minders who know ur kids habits, will prob know more how to deal with a situation... but someone who sees them once in awhile wont know. Hence, for my sake... and for my kids safety.. I prefer the childcare.

[diamond321]

interesting responses.

I've actually come across a few grandparents who have outrightly said that they are not going to babysit. They have had kids.. did their bit and they're not going ot babysit grandchildren. But to each their own.

True !

What has been assumed in this thread that if you ask your parents or parents in law , they will not refuse you and hence will be forced to take care of your kids or grand parents by default enjoy spending time with their grand children and they don't see them as burden.

I know a woman who was requested by her own daughter to take care of her 1 year old daughter but she refused saying that she has raised kids of her own and she does not want any now. The girl's husband was going through huge financial problems and she just wanted to do part time work by teaching at school.

On the other hand there are grand parents who just love to take care of their grand children. Ever since my daughter has come I sometime feels that all that may parents can see is their grand daughter , she is the top most priority in their lives now.

Different people different situation ! there can not be a single formula that fits all.

[Reha]

Re: both parents work, kids with inlaws?

My mom looked after my niece when she was an infant and when she got a little older. After she started walking, my sister stopped leaving her for longer than a couple of hours because even though my mom loves spending time with Sumaiya...she doesnt have the stamina to keep up with her running around.

Now, she works from home and is with her full time save for small instances where they go out or need a couple of hours to run errands. During that time, my mom tries to work on her Qur'an and teach her pronunciations.

My other sister has an infant right now and since all Mariam does is pretty much eat, sleep, poop and do it all over again...its okay. When she is of walking age, it will stop too.

THe thing is, Ive noticed a huge difference in my parents ever since Sumaiya was born...they're alive and soooo involved with her and Mariam now...its beautiful Mashallah. They marvel and relive our childhood all over again. They laugh, play and do silly things with them.

To each their own but I gotta say...life isnt black and white. THere is too much grey and since none of us know each other's lives...its not right to just assume stuff about anyone.

[korn666]

Re: both parents work, kids with inlaws?

well me and my hubby both work and honestly I PREFER my kids not to stay either wid my in-laws or my parents.. so i have a nanny who is looking after them

[mamababaandbaby]

Re: both parents work, kids with inlaws?

before my 1st child was born my mum would say to me you can go back to your post grad course and i will look after him, circumstances were such that i didn't return but that doesn't mean that my parents are not happy to look after my son and now my daughter.
now i have a new born my mum will take my son for a day so i get a break but that is her choice and she loves doing this,
my son when we are at their house will run away from me to go to her, not because he doesn't know who his mama is but because he loves her, and yet i am his full time carer and he sees her several times a week.

when he was born our family went through an extremely difficult time my parents especially and he was there as a source of love, light and pure unadaltered joy.
he was the reason for them to keep going and i would never take that away from them.

i in fact do not want to take advantage of my mum, SHE insists on looking after him.