both parents work, kids with inlaws?

Lifestyle Relationships
1

This kind of stems from sara`s thread, about SAHM and working women.

I know of a few people, who have kids and then give them to the parents of the girl/boy to look after for many days a week, 5 days a week, because both parents are working, i even know someone who had her kids live with her mum, because she didnt hve time to look after her own kids. then the girls mother and father moved to wales, and she told the mum to take her daughter with her…so the girls daughter lives with her nanni…in wales…and her parents are here in london working…

i find this rotten, its not anyone but the parents of the kids job to look after their own kids, otherwise dnt have them

i also know of people who both work, yet spend the entire months salaries on child care…whats the point…

2

Re: both parents work, kids with inlaws?

when you are trying to make ends meet, you would do anything.. and they are leaving their kids with the ppl they trust the most... not babysitters.. though the latter isnt wrong either

:)

you cant judge a situation without havin been in it ureself

i go to school and my husband works. i am on maternity leave but now really have to get back cuz its been more tahn a yr... my son will be with my in laws.. should i have not had him at all and waited to finish studies? not really... things are moving along smoothly.. my son gets my utmost attention everyday... i am only parttime.. will take me longer but atleast i get to spend most of my day with my son...

its not as easy as black and white :)

3

Re: both parents work, kids with inlaws?

They should sell them I say. That way they get money and get rid of the kids!

4

Re: both parents work, kids with inlaws?

How does it make sense, making ends meet, and giving all your monthly wages almost, to childcare, how does it make sense, with one working, and one not working, that youll most definatley be on the streets, if both are not emplyed. if there is a mortgage to pay, or debt/bills,surely the decision has been made that way. if only one person was working, maybe itd be less, but because we know oh 2 people can work and will, well lets get a bigger mortage/take out more loans/buy more.....

does it make sense when a 3yrd old whose spent her whole little life with her nanni, then gets demanded back by the mother, and is confused as to whose her mum, the woman who was there 24 hours a day for her, or the women she saw once a week....whenever she found the time from her career.

5

lol

6

Re: both parents work, kids with inlaws?

You know what? I used to think the same thing but lately not so much. My niece spends a lot of time with my mom...her nani...and it makes a big difference. My mom started her on the kalmas and is also working with her to get rid of the totlapan. Finally, after so much time...she is able to say "kh".

Also, I remember spending A LOT of time with my nani and those years were priceless! I would give an arm and a leg to go back to that...she worked so hard on us. She taught us how to read Qur'an, cook, make roti, etc.

If someone dumps their kids on their parents because they just cannot be bothered to spend time with them...different story. However, I do think inlaws and grandparents have wisdom their grandkids can benefit immensely from.

7

Re: both parents work, kids with inlaws?

Nadz yes the situation sounds extreme but some times there is no option.
your going to have your own child soon do you plan on going back to work at some point in the next few years?

childcare is not cheap and if the parents have the option of letting the grandparents look after the children 5 days a week instead of spending up to £300 per week on childcare then that is their option.
The children are with their relatives not with strangers.

8

Re: both parents work, kids with inlaws?

working part time is different, to working completely full time, both set of parents, and not giving any time to kids, and ive seen them almost giving their own parents no choice but to look after the offspring....after all, which nani/dadi would say i wont look after your kids.....and its not fair to give anyone, whoever, your kids for such a long time, its not fair on the kids. i doubt my kids would appreciate me not looking after them when they were kids cos mummmy/daddy was busy working and paying the mortgage....it wont work when they are old enough to feel this.

9

Re: both parents work, kids with inlaws?

Working full time does not mean you're neglecting your kids or that daycares/nannies are actually raising your kids..... when you come back home in the evening and when you are home on weekends, you spend quality time with your kids which is way way better than just sitting at home planting them in front of the TV (as some moms do).... they have a good, constructively busy time in preschool/daycare and a better bonding time with mom and dad at home. We're the ones who stay up at nights with them when they're sick and we are the ones they come crying to when they get hurt, you know even the drive back home from work is great quality time you spend with your child.... I spend 35 minutes commuting to work in the morning and 35 mins back in the evening, my daughter's preschool is 5 minutes from my office, I deliberately chose a place near work so I could talk to her in the car.... she talks to me throughout those 35 minutes and I value that time a lot.

Now, leaving your kids with you parents during the day is also fine, I don't know about just sending your kids to go live with them permanently for a few years, koi na koi majboori hogi.... I don't know anyone who would like to do that.

A co-worker of mine told me she had sent her 1 year old daughter to India to her mom cuz the poor baby was suffering from awful allergies here (allergies led to infections and subsequently to pneumonia) and the parents couldn't move due to financial reasons, they eventually did move back to India after a year for their daughter, then packed up again after 3 years and came back to USA cuz the husband was facing major health issues there.... my point is that you just can't judge people based on what you're seeing from outside, there must be issues/reasons behind everything. Just don't judge people.

10

There is no better solution.

11

Re: both parents work, kids with inlaws?

^Isn't that illegal :p

12

I don't think we can pass judgment until we've walked in the other person's shoes.

In an ideal world, everybody would have sufficient funds and plenty of quality time to spend with children and other family members.

The problem is, there's no such world. Right now, the economy sucks big time. Even while living well below their means and saving every penny, more and more people are having trouble making ends meet. They haven't taken on insane mortgages, they buy only what they need, they haven't been on a vacation in years, and they're constantly shopping the sales and clipping coupons. And it's still not enough.

That's not every situation Nadz. Sure, there are couples out there who want both partners to be working for superficial reasons (vacations, clothes, cars, bigger house, etc.). But you have just as many situations where Dad is working and earning a good salary, but he gets crap benefits. If he tries to buy extra insurance so that his kids will have decent medical care, then that means most of his salary every month is gone and there's no cash for food. So Mom has to slave away for a crappy salary but decent health insurance.

Or you have a situation where Dad makes just enough to support wife and kids, but Mom could have elderly parents who need specialized medical care and she's sharing the costs with her siblings so she has to work. Yes, the children are her responsibility, but so are her parents.

And there are so many other variations. The point is, we don't know what anybody is going through. We don't know what sacrifices they make or why they're working the crazy hours that they do. I don't think any thinking, feeling, caring parents wants their own elderly parents to be looking after their offspring when it's time for the grandparents to have their well-earned break...but the world is not an especially forgiving place right now.

13

sweety.. this is not a movie where the kid doesnt know who its mother is :)

i am a stay at home these days.. been so ever since i had a kid.. i have never worked after marriage for that matter... even then, my son is more around his dadi than he is with me... but believe you me, he doesnt want anyone else putting him ot bed other than me. there are more little things he doesnt want anyoen else doing with him other tahn me... a child will always know who its mom is.. unless its a severe case of mom not seeing her kid for 18 yrs and suddenly coming back to claim them.

14

Re: both parents work, kids with inlaws?

Then use a condom.

:]

15

LOL…I dont think its as serious as all that. No one I know is foolish with their money like that. Its more of a necessity so they can get out of debt faster, pay bills, take care of someone’s parents, etc.

My niece is 3 years old, my sister has worked since she was 4 months and there is NO confusion as to who her mother is in my family. She clearly understands, loves and is attached to my sister. She just started Qur’an classes, mom and dad are teaching her how to read, etc. My mom supplements all of this by revising things with her of course but is my mother raising my niece? NO.

You’re essentially saying that working mothers are bad mothers and I think that is irresponsible as well as offensive of you. You’re simply pregnant, havent even had a baby and already telling others how to raise their kids? Not a good sign…:nahi:

I know lots of women who work and leave their kids with their parents for the day. They come home, start the kids off with their homework, do dinner, mom and dad clean and then the little ones get some mommy and daddy time. Who do you think goes to parent/teacher conferences? Who do you think takes them to doctor appointments? Who do you think watches their academic progress? Its not their grandparents…its the parents.

Agreeeeeed!

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Re: both parents work, kids with inlaws?

How come you didn't? You're always complaining about your husband and him not having a good job...... shoulda thought of that before you got pregnant huh :}

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Re: both parents work, kids with inlaws?

lets get back to reality.

careers dont stop, and you have to balance career with family, its easier for men because they are not expected to stay at home, but women cant

Its very simple, and I wrote some detailed post about it in the past so will try to find it, but basically between graduation getting married, having kids and having a career the mid 20's to mid 30's are very challenging years for women.

do they not have kids until they have finished education and have started building a career to a point they can take some time off? what is the impact of taking time off and how much time should someone take off?

so girl finishes her undergrad at 21-22
even if she goes straight for masters, lets say finishes up by 23-24
would be more time for medicine, law, etc.

anyhow if she gets married at 25, wait a couple of years to start a family..
at 27 she has her first child, and at 29 another..if we are saying she stays home with the kid fulltime until the kid is school age and is going to school fulltime, so she basically is out of the market from 27-35, an 8 years gap.

in some fields it can be a killer, it can have a very detrimental impact on your trajectory, in other fields like medicine, it is very tough to basically walk away after finishing the degree and wait 8 years until starting residency. in research and academia being away has its own setbacks, oh and what else do they face? they are then competing with younger single men who have no family commitments and can put in some crazy hours. I must say I have tremendous respect for women who make a career as mums and juggling all these expectations.

building careers is not always for selfish reason, many of us are the sandwich generation..and how well you are doing financially helps you provide better educational opportunities for your kids, better care of your parents as they get older and retire, and try to save enough that you have a good retired life.

18

was that not uncalled for Sara?

khair..

nadz, it isnt as black and white as you put it.

Kids who get sent to childcare not unloved by their parents and neither are they neglected. You might even say, they are prob very happy, Mashallah.

There are all sorts of reasons for why both parents may be working. Financial reasons or pure personal satisfaction reasons. Noone should be passing judgement on how they are raising their child.. or how they choose to.

The situation you described is not a rare case, but having said that, not everyone would have the heart to do something like that. I know a lot of indian couples here who have come here to work, and left their young child(ren) back home with grandparents... then they go back after a few years of saving money and all is well.

Everyone has their own issues.

Also, as X2 pointed out, careers dont stop when you have children. And why should they? Why cant parents find a balance between the two? I wanted to stay in my field.. but for that, I couldnt be out for more than year... even a year was a huge thing, and i ended up staying in the same field but choosing a slightly different career path.

I dont believe my child is disadvantaged at all. And my child certainly does know who her mother is.

19

Right, and saying women who choose to work and send their children to daycare or stay with their parents, should have used a condom, thats definitely not uncalled for is it? If anything you should be offended at that...and not what I said.
:)

20

it was a general statement she made.. not pointing at anyone in particular.. so didnt call for me to be offended :)