Well this question is for those who were raised outside of Pakistan…
I find it hard to believe now, but growing up the only desis I was in constant contact with were my direct relatives…and meeting another family every other month or so. but as far as having friends or day to day interaction…that wasn’t there.
I never thought much of it but as I got older I started to resent that I didn’t have any friends who were like me or had a family life similar to mine…and I had a very narrow view of what desis were like.
Now, I understand the reasons as to why my parents wanted to raise us far away, not saying I would do the same (or not do the same)…but I understand the positives from it now.
For those of you who were raised in the west…what was your experience like? what are hte positives/negatives of living both in an all desi vs no-desi environment?
Now, I understand the reasons as to why my parents wanted to raise us far away, not saying I would do the same (or not do the same).....but I understand the positives from it now.
What were your parents' reasons? Was it because they felt that there's a tendency to be nosy, maybe more judgmental, etc among desis? One of my friends....moved to Canda and she once said that a few desis around you is not so bad....but too many desis is not a good thing. I thought that was interesting. And in a way I can understand it. There are aspects of our culture that I like....and there are some that I can't stand.
I think its good to have a mixture of everything - everything in moderation be it desi’s, goree’s and black people. They are nosy, and interfering and gossip and make up rumours about other peoples girls, when they are own are running riot in their homes and outside of the homes, sheer hypocrisy.
I’ve never lived in a desi neigbourhood but those are the reasons I’d prefer not to.. esp the judgemental bit.. The thing that really grates with me is seeing desi boys out enjoying themselves, not having to worry about ‘reputation’ whilst their sisters have a million restrictions put on them for fear of what local ppl might think.. I could never in a million years live that way..
There was a BBC show a while back called ‘Driving School’ or something set in a desi area and an old woman just having driving lessons with a male instructor was making ppl gossip
As a kid i had a few desi friends, including a few that lived in my street and..there was drama. However, they then moved away and the secondary school i went to had very few desis so my friends were mainly white, including my best friend. I really missed having asian friends then. I felt like i could never fully relate to my white friends and vice versa, and during my final few years there, i felt this even more when they talked about their boyfriends or about the club they were going to go to.
So looking back, it'd have been nice to have had desi friends similar to myself, being a teen is pretty hard in itself so having had people like me around wouldve helped and made some things easier i think.
The pluses however of not being surrounded by too many desis lol is that yes they are quite nosy and they do like to gossip. I agree with pink orchids that moderation is probably best.
^The other thing that bugs me is that some desi women have this view that a girl is forgiven for having boyfriends or leading a wild sort of life once she's married. I don't get that. If something is considered a gunnah...then marriage does not erase that. Or even stupid views such it's okay for a woman to wear sleeveless because she's married but scandalous if she's single. Has anyone else encountered that? I feel like we have so many inconsistencies in our culture that grate on my nerves.....that I think I prefer the person who consistently defies rules and knows/admits it ...over the person who is going to preach and make inconsistencies that don't make sense.
I'd kill for a desi saheli, I wish I had grown up around at leasstttt one desi family. Seriously, what's with the hatred towards your own community, people? **We **make up the desi community too, we are no exceptions. (I'm not giving out btw... just wanted to get that out of the way to prevent tamatars being thrown at me :P ) What community is all perfect? One can say plenty of negative things about the goras and the kalas and the yellows too. We shouldn't let our surroundings influence us to such an extent. I mean the social setting we grow up in does have an effect on us but we shouldn't let it shape our personalities.
When I was really little (like 9 or 10) I had no desi friends and I wasnt allowed to have non-desi friends. It was really hard.
I think my parents realized that, moved closer to the community and put us in Islamic school so we could hang out with like-minded people and not feel so different. Its kinda funny because the friends I made there are still my best friends to this day.
I get it why they did what they did and am grateful.
Pros and cons with both really, before the desi area became a drug infested crazy place we could play out till midnight and my parents would know that we're safe. Eid was always eventful, we made a lot of lifelong friends, halal places were down the road, chaand raat parties, mosque etc. It was also very safe, someone was always popping in and out. If the rents were home someone would send us food or babysit. Everyone was lovely and it just felt very homely.
As we got older the privacy part got a bit annoying, the close friends started acting very nosey constantly asking where we were going or what time we'd be back. Eventually we moved out, I can now come home in the early hours of the morning and no one cares, it's still home, I do love everyone around but on eid or other special occasions we always go back to our old neighbourhood, it feels odd without them all.
I think that was it…plus after a while, my mother heard about all the incidents that happened in Pakistani neighborhoods…and it scared her away from ever living around too many desis. (she even told me…never ever rent an apartment from a Pakistani )
That’s unfortunate I would hope that by the time I have kids and they’re growing up…it won’t be like that. i know very well that a girls’ reputation is much more fragile than a boy’s…
but right now part of me loves living in a neighborhood where I see Pakistanis around all the time…there’s none of that gawking like “omg where did she come from?!”
As a kid i had a few desi friends, including a few that lived in my street and..there was drama. However, they then moved away and the secondary school i went to had very few desis so my friends were mainly white, including my best friend. I really missed having asian friends then. I felt like i could never fully relate to my white friends and vice versa, and during my final few years there, i felt this even more when they talked about their boyfriends or about the club they were going to go to.
So looking back, it'd have been nice to have had desi friends similar to myself, being a teen is pretty hard in itself so having had people like me around wouldve helped and made some things easier i think.
The pluses however of not being surrounded by too many desis lol is that yes they are quite nosy and they do like to gossip. I agree with pink orchids that moderation is probably best.
I think their thinking is that shes her husband’s responsibility now… On the other hand, its far easier to criticize a girl’s mother for not setting teh right example or not controlling her daughter.
basically, aunties will never question the “man”
You’re right…but I think when you’re constantly told that you can’t do this or that, because “what will the neighbors think?” or people who gossip about you…that can really get to you and make you resent those “people”..
Same here…except it was until HS…I only made solid friendships in college..
You're right....but I think when you're constantly told that you can't do this or that, because "what will the neighbors think?" or people who gossip about you....that can really get to you and make you resent those "people"..
hmm I understand. I guess our parents should set boundaries for us according to what they think is right and not according to "log kya kahein ge". Log tau hamesha kehte rahein ge, that's why I said we shouldn't let our surroundings influence our personalities to such an extent. Besides, if someone does backbite you and your family, they don't deserve any consideration from you about their "thoughts". Socialise with the ones you like and those who respect you and your family, ignore the rest.
There's nothing wrong about what you said....but the world don't work like that...esp if you live in Pakistan (or a "Little Pakistan")...I don't think there is a single person who isn't concerned about how they come across....and we all wish we can tell someone off and ignore them but really...how many people do that? Instead we let it slide, try to "better" ourselves so that we don't give others a chance to criticize us...
I grew up in nondesi and desi neighborhoods. I Never cared too much about having desi or non desi friends. They have always been just people to me. My parents are unlike most desis I know. They don't mingle a whole lot with other desis and are not religious or traditional. I really experienced the true desihood when I got married. My inlaws are Very traditional and cobservstive. That's probably part of the reason I feel misunderstood and conflicted most of the time. I don't fit in anywhere sadly.
I grew up in random small white towns in the States and moved to a hardcore desi neighbourhood in Canada when I was 12.
Non desi neighbourhood Cons: Being the only coloured kid in school (town); stared down by people when outside and my mom was wearing shalwar kaameez, getting asked what those gross smells were coming from my lunches (salan), having no meaningful friendships with gora kids; racist incidents; not feeling any sort of connection to culture or religion
Non desi neighbourhood Pros: no random gossiping judgmental aunties
Desi neighbourhood Cons: random gossiping judgmental aunties, can't do anything without wondering "what will people think, who will see?"; packs of desi boys thinking they are gangsters and hollering at girls
Desi neighbourhood Pros: finally understanding/caring about what it means to be a Pakistani, sharing in Ramadan/Eid celebrations and prayers, not feeling ashamed of stepping out of the house in shalwar kameez; making friendships with girls who understand issues of body hair and not being allowed to stay out late; having friends that are not interested in spending Saturday night drinking and dancing half naked at the club
I went from one extreme to another. I would want to raise my kids in something in-between..having some desis around but not in a jam-packed desi neighbourhood. Luckily Toronto is awesome in that there are certain areas packed with desis, some with none and all, and some in-between :)
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I would hope that by the time I have kids and they’re growing up…it won’t be like that. i know very well that a girls’ reputation is much more fragile than a boy’s…
pinches cheeks