Behaviour of the Wife

Lifestyle Relationships
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Behaviour of the Wife

Najeeb stand your ground. No is asking you to be a JERK. But marriage is a life long COMMITTMENT. today the issue is your mom, later it will be how she treats you and your kids.

One thing I want to ask is whether you communicate with your inlaws or not. Can't you talk to your motherinlaw and explain the situation and what your concerns for your marriage are.

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Re: Behaviour of the Wife

One more thing.....

If her family is unaware of your side of the story and the efforts that you have made to help their daughter acclimatize in her new home then hearing that you have told her to leave and not bother coming back will colour you as a villain. You don't need that falsely created bad reputation.

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Wanted to add one more things regarding the trip:

My in-laws have lived in the U.S. since the 1960's. FIL is in his early 70's and MIL in her early 60's. And FIL and MIL always travelled together. Even after all these years, my MIL's English is far from fluent. About 3 years ago, all of a sudden my MIL's mother (hubby's nani) died. MIL obviously wanted to attend her mother's funeral. Unfortunately, due to health issues, there was no way my FIL could go through that long flight at that time. My hubby and his brother couldn't take off from their work on such short notice either. My MIL went by herself to attend the funeral and stayed there for almost a month.

Just because your wife's mother has never travelled back to Pakistan on her own does not mean that she can't do it if there is truly a need for the trip.

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I agree that people should not give up on marriages easily. It requires hard work and a lot of patience. However, a successful relationship also requires that BOTH people put in the effort to make it work. Conversations and “breaks” are useless if one of the people is not willing to make changes to their thinking/behavior.

Given the fact that the wife brought up the trip again…even after being told “no”…and now wants to use moral support for her mother as an excuse…I get the feeling that she knows how to be emotionally manipulative. Giving her husband the silent treatment and sulking around the home didn’t change his mind about the trip…so now she’s going use “moral support” for the mother as an excuse to guilt him into saying yes. :hoonh:

I hope I’m wrong but from what Najeeb has been telling us so far…I don’t see one-single-thing in the wife’s behavior that leads me to believe that she wants to dedicate herself into this marriage/new family. :hinna:

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I think I like muzna's suggestion, if you agree to the trip then tell her it will also serve as a break between the two of you so both can further reflect on your relationship status, and the future of this marriage.

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Both people aren’t always on the same page so it is often difficult to see an equal amount of effort put forth at the same time. It is invariably true that at any given time one person in a relationship will be making a greater effort than the other. It may just be that this is the time that Najeeb happens to be that person.

And yes, I agree that discussions and breaks are useless unless there is clear communication, understanding and acceptance of terms. This is precisely why I have recommended that a dialogue be held with the proper tone.

Let’s be honest…there are very few women beyond the age of 15 that don’t know how to be “manipulative”. Whether or not they use this quality in a productive fashion is dependent on the strength of their character. We are obviously dealing with an immature character here. Reacting to it in the same fashion (i.e. laying down an ultimatum that dissolves a relationship) is equally immature IMHO.

Granted.
That still doesn’t mean that we/he has exhausted all the possible avenues to make things work.
I don’t believe that enough has been done and resorting to accepting failure just means that neither person is smarter than the other.

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Re: Behaviour of the Wife

:k:

Agreed. Whether the trip happens or not…I think Najeeb needs to have a serious conversation with his wife mother and/or father immediately.

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I was just going to say no to her, that I have said it before and its definitely not going to happen.

But Muzna does have me thinking and Ill be honest i don’t really know how she will react, how me having a conversation and going through all the issues we have will make a difference if she then heads off to Pakistan and 4 weeks later we are the same and she has forgotten bits and bobs.

Everything is a risk, me saying no because of the various issues we have and her sulking. Me chatting to her and mentioning that she can go on this break and i want a changed person when back may just be playing into her hands.

She is my wife and I love her but i seriously don’t know for once which approach to take here.

I don’t believe her family know we are having issues. Mum may suspect she is finding it difficult but nothing more.

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:cb: True…almost all women know how to be manipulative. I agree with the other things you wrote. I think a major problem here is that Najeeb is being too nice. From what he wrote, he has attempted several conversations with her and have brought up some of the issues already. Yet the wife’s reaction has been to put all the blame on the “lifestyle” in her new home and to cry/throw tantrums. For whatever reason, I don’t think she’s “getting” just how serious her behavior has become. My suggestion with the ultimatum is to get her attention. It’s a way for Najeeb to let her know that he’s not going to tolerate her crying/tantrums/running away to her parents for days on a regular basis for the rest of his life.

Najeeb is clearly willing to fight to save this relationship. I think the ultimatum is a great way for him to see just how invested SHE is into this marriage and whether or not she puts any effort into saving it even after getting the threat of divorce. I just find it very difficult to believe that the wife will put ANY thought into her marriage troubles while she’s vacationing in Pakistan and busy seeing relatives/shopping.

Najeeb: I think you need to have a conversation with her parents ASAP. As in call them TODAY and say that you need to meet them in person to talk. Muzna has given you great advice. I think the major difference between Muzna’s advice and mine is that Muzna’s advice requires you to wait a month or longer…pretty much you’ll need to wait and see IF the trip/more conversations made a difference. Personally, I tend to be more harsh in my dealings with people. I have VERY little patience when it comes to adults acting like immature children.

You’ve already put in 8 months into this marriage. Only you can decide how much longer you want to spend being a part of this, and what you’re willing to sacrifice to stay in it. Once you decide that…you’ll know which advice would work best for you. :slight_smile:

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See I am looking at the trip as a break not just for her but for you also. You mentioned that you are somewhat relieved to come home when she is not there because you don't look forward to being met with a sulking person. That means that you are tiring of this whole situation.

Give yourself a break.

Nobody really knows how she will react but let's consider likelihoods.......
If you lay down the law and say "Go but don't think of coming back to this house!" then based on what you have told us about her background (i.e. being the baby of the family) and based on the fact that her parents may not be aware of the complete situation. she just might pack up and leave.

She could easily say, "He told me never to come back. I hate it there anyway. I can't handle it!" accompanied by mega water-works in front of daddy dearest and that's the end of the whole thing.

Scenario #2 could be that she agrees to the conversation and the terms that you lay out, goes on the trip and return to commit the same sins. Result? You are in no worse shape then you are in now. In fact, you might be a little bit refreshed from not having to deal with her nakhray for 4 weeks. You might have a clearer mind on and be able to make an unemotional and concise decision on the whole matter.

Scenario #3 might get you some success whereby she realizes how serious the situation is (because you will have told her in the conversation that unless she is willing to make those changes you have no future together) and actually makes an effort on her return.

Nothing ventured, nothing gained.
The trick is to weigh the odds and calculate her reaction based not only on what you know of her but also on how you would want someone to handle things with you if the tables were turned.

Allah is always on the side of the person with naik neeyat that takes the path of compassion.......that much I can promise you. The rest is in Allah's hands.

Then don't make a big splash about it. Remember, it is your duty as a husband to hide your wife's faults and protect her from harm....even if that is emotional harm. So have a private conversation with her Mum. Let her know that you are not complaining but seeking guidance and assistance from her.....that she may be able to convey the message in a way that her daughter will understand and not be hurt or defensive.

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Hello *Najeeb Anjum
*
You havent mentioned anything about your personal relationship with her, like how close she is to you emotionally. How is your 'intimate life' with her? If she is into you, then I think other problems can be mended.

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I hear you Paheli......I often take a harsh stance with people that are behaving beneath the "general expectation" too. But I think that in a marriage there needs to be some give and take and we can't always go to extremes.

Najeeb has been a "nice guy" and I think it would not suit his personality (as much as we are able to know of it) to go off the deep end suddenly. I think the ultimate result, be it a successful union or parting of ways, would be better for all if the approach is gentle and over a longer duration.

If the marriage was a month old, neither had feelings for the other and these issues surfaced then I might be more inclined to say cut your losses and dissolve it immediately. But we are almost a year into the relationship.....he loves her......she is sticking it out when she could have left......all this suggests that there is still hope.

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Like others have said - talk to her parents in confidence. Tell them everything and how you are trying to make it work. They need to know. Esp. before it escalates into something or before your wife says anything. because if the wife does complain about you, then you'll already look bad in her parents' eyes. So talk to them right away. And also tell them why you don't want their daughter going to Pakistan.

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I honestly don't think she knows the gravity of the situation. She just thinks that her main issues are the house and people coming and going and everything else is rosy.

She doesn't like being in the house but believes everything else is ok and nobody has noticed her behaviour.

If I speak to her parents in confidence and that actually gets out to her would it not cause a massive argument that I have actually betrayed her trust regardless of the reasons why i did it.

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Actually I have to vehemently disagree with this.
Don’t include the father in the conversation.
It is very possible that FIL would take offence at any suggestion that his baby is not behaving well.
MIL is likely to be more receptive.

Save the conversation with the FIL for a time when it becomes more serious.

I’m not suggesting that the matter is not serious now, but you have to keep a trump card up your sleeve sometimes…
(sadly that’s the manipulative side of me coming through…:blush:)

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The gravity of the situation is precisely what you need to convey to her in your pre-trip conversation. You seem to have failed to do this in all previous attempts so maximize on this opportunity.

You: "After much thought on the matter, I've decided to agree to let you accompany your Mum on the trip to Pakistan. Before you go though I want you to understand that I was actually considering telling you to pack not only a suitcase but all of your belongings and take them with you because I saw no point in continuing our relationship."

Her: "WHAT??! What do you mean??!" -- eyes begin to well up with tears and rage at the same time.

You: "Well, I've tried to speak to you about a few issues and it seems that the conversations end up nowhere. You either break out in tears or sulk for hours. This is not a healthy environment for anyone....don't you agree?"

Her: "I guess......." or silence or sobs.

You: "How are we going to get through this? Do you have any ideas? I care for you deeply....you are my wife and I love you.....it pains me to see you living like this day to day. I want to find a solution that works for both of us."

You should only speak with her mother and advise her to keep the conversation confidential as you don't want to cause your wife further distress.

If the MIL makes a decision to over-ride your request for confidentiality then you will always be able to say to your wife that you were at your wits end and needed to confide in someone that understood her.

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I feel as though I should definitely go for your approach Muzna but a part of me i saying to just say no, she cannot go and explain my reasons to her face to face. So a similar approach but no trip to Pakistan at the end.

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Najeeb if you don't want your wife going to Pakistan right now because of all the issues - then that's fine too. If that's what you want then that's what you say to her. And who knows, maybe this will show her that she can always have her way by means of sulking and crying?

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i haven't read all the posts so excuse me if i repeat BUT i think that it's well established she will end up tearing up or creating some other drama etc if you talk to her one on one. but maybe if you write down all your concerns on a letter, state your conditions for her to go with her mother to pakistan and tell her to read it in her own time whilst you aren't there and to get back to you with her issues/answer. that way you won't have to try getting your point across her tears/babbling and it will eventually have to sink in cuz that paper isn't going anywhere.

if she STILL doesn't realise the impact of her behaviour then lord help you =/.

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I think you have several options on how to proceed from here. Since you're the only one who knows your wife's personality....only you can decide which option to choose. Of course, please be sure to modify to options as you see fit. Good luck! :)