Behaviour of the Wife

Lifestyle Relationships
181

Re: Behaviour of the Wife

sweet if makes a very good point.
putting stuff on paper also helps to drive the point home........but it doesn't give you the opportunity to seek agreement and be a 'team' that is resolving a mutual disagreement.

perhaps your request for a discussion should be documented on paper with the grievances stated.......but I don't believe that this would be the best medium for the entire exchange.

182

Re: Behaviour of the Wife

remind me why you don't want her to go......

183

Re: Behaviour of the Wife

ofcourse.

it's meant to be a new approach to getting through to your wife najeeb, don't rely on letters as your sole source of communication because you can't go by on fear that she will end up crying or not absorbing the extent of the issue every time you need to discuss something. i think you should also state that.. that the only reason you've resorted to a letter is because of how difficult it is to have a mature, adult conversation in the first place. perhaps that'll make her feel a little silly for reacting in such a way all the time.

184

Behaviour of the Wife

Najeeb - kudos to you for being a gentleman but I personally don't like your slow approach and unwillingness to talk to her elders ( there has to someone sensible in the family like an elder sister or brother. I have seen men like you who are nice guys and put up with lots of CRAP and then bang one day they lose it big time. That is more dangerous and toxic for any relationship.

Also have you really had any time to bond as a couple. Yes it a bit hard when you constantly have family around or your spouse is sulking but it is totally doable. Isn't possible for you two to get away while the rest of the family is over to keep the MUM company. Does she came from a big family? Does she like being around lots of ppl? This was something you should have picked up during your courtship. Some ppl adjust more easily to different environments than others. She is 29...and sometimes it is harder to change your ways after a certain age (please don't jump on me for this point) - with age maturity is often accompanied by inflexibility and rigidity.

Remember we have only heard of najeebs version and have not heard his wife version. There are almost always two sides to a story.

It's great to be upfront and harsh with people so they don't waste your time and play games with you. However, marriage is one relationship where you should tread with caution. Yes najeebs wife sounds like a spoiled brat but I wouldn't suggest kicking her to the curb. Remember divorce is the least preferable Halal thing. That does not mean he should blindly say yes to every demand.

The only few times this divorce should be considered seriously if the wife is cheating, abusing drugs, etc...

Honestly marriage counseling is what this couple needs. They are getting it for free here. However, It would have been great if we were able to hear from the other half.

185

Re: Behaviour of the Wife

The wife went over to her parents last weekend and is due to return this weekend, yes she HAD to go back because one parent wasn't well but i chatted to them the day before and they was nothing wrong with them and since then she definitely didn't speak to them. Either way I am not concerned about that.

Because she had text me to reconsider what I had said I replied in a long text that nobody should be going due to security and if someone does accompany the mother it should be a male and that i don't agree with her going because of our marriage issues and we need to discuss our marriage issues when she gets back. I did not want to discuss anything over text or phone.

She stated that what holds you (me) here is what compels me (wife) to accompany my parent and if I was concerned then as I have a little over a weeks annual leave from work I can accompany her and her mum abroad. She was trying to say that i don't want to go anywhere due to caring for my mother and that is exactly what she is doing by going along with her to Pakistan. I mentioned that I am only here for the sake of our marriage and that we need to have a face to face chat about our issues when she gets back. Also her parents wanted to go for a minimum of four weeks to two months so I do not know what the purpose of me going for 8-9 days with my wife would be as we would end up leaving the mother there?

She finally stated that she will come back on the weekend to discuss any 'relevant issues' BUT she is sorry as she will definitely go to Pakistan with her mum.

I just stated that we will discuss all matters when she returns. I did not want to get into any discussion or shouting match.

186

Re: Behaviour of the Wife

I'm not sure why you don't want her to go. What will keeping her behind accomplish?
The purpose of her going on the trip is entirely irrelevant and making a big deal out of it will only add unnecessary disagreement to an already convoluted situation.

If you are not concerned with that then why mention it? You could have simply said that she is at her parents' and will return this weekend. Obviously you are either concerned or you want to bring it to the attention of the rest of us that she is not someone that can be trusted.

So which is it?

You said way too much in your response and you said the wrong thing. You should have simply typed the last line and that's it.

Since you brought up the security issue, she was able to use it against you. Like I said, you said too much. You should have simply said that I don't want to discuss this on the phone/text and let's talk about it face to face on the weekend.

Because you entertained her she was able to lay down the law.......very conveniently done in a text.....easy way out.

187

Re: Behaviour of the Wife

Najeeb, you should take your mom on a vacation to Paris or London or Hawaii - some exciting and exotic place. Sure this might feel like an immature response, but for someone like your wife who can't be bothered spending time at home with you and is travelling with her mom, despite your wish for her not to - this would be exactly the same thing - maybe, just maybe it'll open up her eyes to why her actions appear so unacceptable and are unfair to your relationship as a couple.

188

Re: Behaviour of the Wife

I am going to discuss all our issues tomorrow with her and if there is anything that we have conflicting opinions on then I am going to speak to a scholar/islamic marriage councellor. Previously to marriage we agreed to live under Islamic guidance, it was the primary reason of us getting married to each other. Whatever the scholar states I know I will follow.

It will reduce the tension and inshaAllah we will get somewhere.

189

Re: Behaviour of the Wife

I think she goes there too often to her parents house and will mention that to her. I may have written too much but I will have to wait until she arrives back and discuss everything.

190

Re: Behaviour of the Wife

I kinda like Sehrysh's idea. When she's in Pakistan, take your mom for a week or so vacation! lol. I know it's immature, but your wife is basically telling you that she doesn't care what you think/feel and she'll do what she wants to do. She's not used to getting a no and only wants things her way. I hope you can work things out but I think instead of the little things, you should talk to her about the bigger issues - about her not taking responsibility as a wife and DIL and about her behaviour issues which do not suit a 29 year old married woman.

191

Re: Behaviour of the Wife

Good for you for being the better person, you're more mature than me :D

Now I'm going to play Devil's Advocate here and will probably get plenty of timatars for it.

Based on the one-sided story we've all read about your wife, I do believe that your wife acts bratty, her comments to you and her relationship with you demonstrates that (the late mornings, not wanting to even be sociable with your mom and extend small courtesies) indicates that. BUT just maybe your wife not getting along with your mother isn't solely her fault.

I have met some women who as MILs are very passive-aggressive and their comments make the DIL feel so unworthy, that she lashes out in a way that makes her seem like a spoiled brat (or worse). Visiting her parents home is the only way to get away from an environment she feels is toxic.

I know that people here are divided on whether you should involve her parents - I would and I'd do it right away. They can't be ignorant of the issue - no newlywed daughter spends that much time at home without the parents wondering why.

Speak to them in her presence - list your own concerns with how your relationship is and get her to state ALL of her issues. Ask them their opinion on whether they think your own and your wife's actions are okay and if not, how it should be resolved. This will clearly tell you whether her parents have been commiserating with her and encouraging her behaviour.

And finally, set your boundaries - tell them what is or is not acceptable to you. Obviously, you need to be willing to make reasonable compromises, it's not all about what you want. But be clear on what is or is not acceptable. After that, the onus is on both of your to work on your marriage according to the agreed upon parameters. Re-visit the issue in 3 months or so - if it's working out great, if not then maybe this relationship has run its course.

And finally - no babies right now!!!! You guys need to sort out your relationship before you decide to have kids.

192

Re: Behaviour of the Wife

One of the reasons why i did not involve her parents especially her mother is because she has on occasion had tantrums with my wife. She would ring and then cut the phone off and my wife would mention that her mum is in a mood. Scary thought as something like that is unheard of in my family.

I suppose everything will come out tomorrow and i'll have a clearer picture of where our marriage is headed.

193

Re: Behaviour of the Wife

That's a great idea.
Make sure that you take her along to the scholar for the discussion with him.

194

Behaviour of the Wife

Najeeb, now you mentioned a very strong point that her mom can be volatile and explosive. You are absolutely right not to involve her if that is the case. But surely or hopefully there is somebody in your wife's family that is sensible and that isn't hot headed. A balanced Islamic scholar or imam who values marriage is probably your best option.

Also I do agree with Muzna to a point. What have you got to lose if she goes to Pakistan. Do you suspect her character or do you think she is going to do any questionable like taveez gunda. The benefit is see is that she might really miss you and realize that your marriage is worth fighting for. Or she may just remain the same.

I suspect that your wife is a pawn in the hands of her parents. She feels obligated to them more than she does to you or your family. Maybe both of you are fighting for your moms and YOU BOTH HAVE NEEDY MOMS. definitely an Islamic scholar who can hear both sides of the story is better equipped to give you a better judgement.

Again I don't know what her story is and what her family is like but girls have enormous responsibilities toward their parents. It is expected that they will continue to cater to their families even after their marriage. It's a tug of war. It could be that she played a leading role before marriage and her parents still rely on her. In this type of situation the girl is a tug of war situation and it is expected that she solved their problems no matter what the consequences. May her lack of interest in your family may directly related to the fact that there is SO MUCH MENTAL TURMOIL IN her own family that she has nothing to give anybody else. When girls are too involved in their Maica problems they can definitely get overwhelmed. so her bratty ness and aloofness may be attribute to that.

Please sort out what is going and how much you can handle.

195

Re: Behaviour of the Wife

If you know this about the mother then select another member of her family.
Perhaps her father or maybe an elder brother or sister.....

196

Re: Behaviour of the Wife

She does or used to try to do as much for her family as she could as nobody else (elder siblings) would and now that she is married she still wants to continue to be at her parents side regardless of it being somebody else's responsibility.

There is nobody elder in the family to chat to and that is the problem. They are pretty argumentative with each other.

whereas we have lots of family their immediate siblings and neighbours are pretty much it. They do not get on with hardly any relatives from either side of the family.

It is a very tough situation that I am in. Only thing I have to turn to is the scholar and that is if she listens and hasn't already made her mind up with family beforehand.

The options I have are either let her go, do not let her go or go with her. All after lengthy discussions about our marriage.

197

Behaviour of the Wife

Yes my sympathies are with you Najeeb! But I am beginning to see another side of the picture. Your wife came with strings attached. At 29 she probably assumed a lot responsibility for her parents. They may have allowed her to marry the man of her choice and given her decent wedding but continue to "use" her. What is your inlaws financial situation? Are they more well off than your own family? I kinda of feel bad for her but I have seen this situation where I girl has so much responsibility put her by default. Elder siblings are probably married and too busy in their lives. Her mum probably doesn't want to let go of the last child she has control for some time. this where the problem comes - had she been a son her behavior would have been acceptable Bc she is trying to please parents. This is desi problem and phenoma of overdependence. If what I think is going here, I definitely feel bad.

Did you not see issues as red flags? when you marry in desi culture you marry the WHOLE FREAKIN PACKAGE with extra baggage. I've seen girls marry guys based on their good looks or good financial statuses (vice versa) but the families they married into are very troubled and dysfunctional. When one is in a courtship these problems are not so bothersome but once married they become unsurmountable and unbearable .

Make dua and if both of your NEEYAT if good inshallah you will both have a favorable outcome.

198

Re: Behaviour of the Wife

how can parents "use" their own daughter?
certainly you aren't suggesting that when she got married suddenly she was absolved of all responsibility towards her parents......

199

I am not suggesting she abandon her parents or family in anyway. I am trying to understand the family dynamics. Looks like both Najeeb and his wife are the youngest siblings. Anyways, the picture I am seeing from a one sided story is that she goes to her parents place quite often. There are two reasons why she might go going. She hates the environment at her mum in law and wants to get away. Second reason is that her parents need her for whatever reasons. Going to Pakistan for property matters is an odd request IMO for a mother to ask a married daughter. Like it or not Pakistan is male dominated society. Property matters can take months to sort out. It's is a little bewildering why any mom would ask a newlywed to leave her husband for a month or two for a matter that she may ny be useful. If her sister or niece was getting married and mom wanted the daughter to accompany for preparations - that would make much more sense. Or if a relative was sick and she needed her daughter for support.

Anyways that being said my inlaws have made such demands from my husband for property matters and he always fulfilled their wishes. They never said consult your wife and find out if this would be okay. My parents always said let him be a good son and make his parents happy. In this case if a daughter is doing it - everybody will automatically think that she is not giving priority to her marriage and her husband is upset with her and the universe is in DISCORD!

It may sound like I am rambling but truth is isn't equality when it comes taking care of your parents after marriage. The desi society expectations are different for sons than they are for daughters . Usually here isn't an issue because most famines treat damaads like royalty. Most families will tell you to listen to your husband in these type of situations.

Growing up as an Abcd or bcbd doesn't necessarily change those Norms. More demands are places on sons from their families and it is expected that bahu put her husbands family before hers to keep harmony. Is this consistent with Islam? Not always. Paradise for both sons and daughters lies beneath the feet of mother. That being said I know that it definitely states in Quran or Hadith that you should take permission of husband to leave house...let alone country.

200

Re: Behaviour of the Wife

:eek: Well, this explains a lot. No wonder she’s doesn’t like being around your family which happens to be very close to one another. The concept of family members getting along and showing concern/respect for one another is foreign to her. Did you know all this about her family BEFORE you married her?

As for the trip…looks like you misunderstood her. She never planned on really asking you if she can go. You were merely being informed of a decision that had already been made. Do you know if she already booked her tickets? How soon is she leaving?