Behaviour of the Wife

Lifestyle Relationships
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you're right..I meant to say "As a newlywed" as in "when I was a newlywed too" TYPO! 3 years is def not newlywed.

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sorry.....coming down any time past 10 am is too late.....particularly when you have a MIL in the house.

I'm not sure if the OP told us so I'll ask the question ...... does your wife make and have breakfast with you before you leave the house?

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I leave the house at 7:30 am in the morning for work and she has never made me breakfast before work.

I work from home one day a week and I am normally up at 8am, on this day she has on average made me something to eat around 11:30am - 12:30pm, hardly at any time has it been earlier than this and sometimes i have gone without until around 1pm but never complained.

Funny thing is that my mum always wakes up around 8am and i can quite easily ask her and she would make it, so many times she has mentioned that she wants to make it but i just state that i am not hungry. A few times i have just got snacks to pass the time.

She has been a little consistent in making something on Sunday that can possibly be taken into work for lunch such as pasta or something.

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:eek:

After 8 months of marriage…this is pathetic! :bummer: Especially given the fact that she doesn’t have a job, and no other household responsibilities! Absolutely no excuse for this behavior. :nahi:

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^ I agree with Paheli....if she does not have a job outside of the home, than this type of behaviour is unacceptable.

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I strongly disagree with the comments above. Forget the MIL for a moment. What wife (especially a newlywed!) doesn't get up to offer her HUSBAND breakfast before he goes to work?! Especially if that wife doesn't work, doesn't have kids, and doesn't have any other major household responsibilities! It's not like she's staying up until 1:00 a.m. each night washing dinner dishes and cleaning the house.

I agree that it's her house too now. And that is exactly why she needs to get off her lazy bum and make sure she pulls her own weight. Her husband and MIL work full-time. A mature, reasonable member of the household who does not work would have enough common sense to at least make sure that the other members of the household get some food before they leave for work. She (wife) can easily go back to bed and sleep the rest of the day if she wants to. But NEVER waking up.....not even bothering to make sure her HUSBAND has breakfast or even saying "bye" to her MIL as she leaves for work is rude and disrespectful.

Since it's her house now.....what exactly does she need to do before showing her face to her husband and MIL? Brushing teeth/washing face, brushing hair, and changing out of nightgown.....how long does it take? I doubt she did anything more than this when she lived with her parents.

As a newlywed woman, this is the time for her to be on her best behavior. While she is adjusting to her new home, she also needs to show her husband and MIL that they didn't make a mistake by allowing her to be a part of the family. She needs to show them that she knows how to respect the other members living in the same house, she knows how to help her family (MIL and husband are her family now), and that her parents raised her to be a responsible/mature adult. Sleeping in until nooo, visiting her parents house on a weekly basis, and throwing tantrums with her husband is not the way to earn the respect and love of her husband and MIL.

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Like I said before, she sounds pretty spoiled.

And you sound like a very tolerant person who indulges all of her behavior.

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well said.

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she be making sure to send the signal that she don't want live there. she will do all the 'normal' things once the mother is kicked out..

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I don't agree...I am a newlywed...been married less than 6 months. And I started calling my in-laws abbu and ammi the day I got married. They never asked me, and I'm sure they would've never mentioned it either because they're just really nice people that way. But I wanted to do that, because I knew it would make them happy. And it did. My father in law told my dad once that I called her abbu and he felt so nice. These little things don't require any effort but go a very long way in any relationship. And I don't think in-laws are 'strangers' when you're married because you've been developing a relationship since BEFORE the wedding. But I don't think it's a big deal what you call your inlaws. That's not even the issue with this girl's behaviour. It's her actions and attitude towards her MIL.

I only lived with my inlaws for a brief period, but when I did...I made sure I wasn't in my room till noon. Sure couple days here and there sleeping till noon is okay. But everyday? And I'd also make sure I spent time with her just having conversations about the littlest things. I think that's what the OP's mom misses. Older people just want some time. Would it really kill someone to sit and talk to an older person? And that too when the older person is your husband's mother. There are things that you need to do to show that you care, and that you are part of the new family. Building relationships takes effort. But this girl doesn't seem to be interested in building any kinda relationship with her inlaws.

I won't lie, I don't wake up to make breakfast for my husband. I did it 3-4 times, made crepes for him. But he likes having cereal in the morning. But I do try making dinner for him and cooking him breakfast on weekends. It's these little things that you need to start owning upto when you're married...and this girl clearly hasn't started doing it properly. Once you start believing your husband's home is your home and your husband's parents are like your parents, then really all of this comes very easily to a person.

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^Well said! Small efforts that don't require much work and more thoughtfulness can take you a long way.

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Behaviour of the Wife

How to behave with husband and mil comes from Tarbiyaat from the girls family. Did anybody bother to sit this bride down and tell her what is expected from her after marriage? My Mom and Aunts drilled the rules of marriage in my brain. Lots of mils want to make sure that their son is taken care of my his wife. What kind of girl gets up at 12? Yeah this behavior is acceptable if it is the first few weeks of marriage or if she is pregnant.

Najeeb - have made the effort to talk to her parents? I agree you should be polite but this is too much. You are married so definitely make every effort to make this relationship work as marriage is NOT A JOKE BUT A COMMITTMENT MADE IN FRONT OF ALLAH, Family, and entire community.

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I had an issue a while ago where I mentioned to the wife that she should ring my mum when she goes to her mums if that is ok with her and she was fine with it, said she wasn't aware etc and so she did that once. Since then there has been an occasion where my mother has been ill for a number of weeks with an infection and gets through the day but didn't really want to pick up anything, thought it was the end of her life for her and everyday she would mention what to do with her assets etc. The wife decided after a few weeks she needed to go home for whatever reason which was fine BUT those 5 days she spend at home i wasn't asked how my mum was and neither did she ring my mum.

I expect common courtesy and compassion. If it was just an issue with my mum i could probably deal with it one way or another but its loads and at times I have spoken to her and just think whether I am getting anywhere at all.

I am going to have a serious serious chat with her and very quickly as i have realised that i am preferring my time when she is actually away at her parents house more as nobody is walking on sea shells and I don't get the sulking when i come back from work or the wife's troubles being communicated across to me every day especially whilst I am at work.

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I know I have asked for a lot of advice on this forum and thank you for your replies but I have one thing more to ask at least.

As I mentioned earlier the wife wanted to go to Pakistan with parents and I said no due to issue that we have and being able to work on those.

She has now basically stated that she is asking me one last time whether she can go as her father cannot go ( i cannot go into this) and her other siblings who work cannot go either, probably cant take time off work is the only reason . She stated that for the sake of her mothers well being and security can she not go with her.

Her mother has gone many times before but always with someone.

People really put you in a predicament.

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I find it hard to believe that your wife, being a woman, is capable of actually providing "security" for ANYONE in Pakistan! And the mother is visiting relatives there so I'm not sure why the relatives are incapable of looking after her well-being while she's there. Since this is a VACATION for her mother....it's her parents responsibility to choose a time when the father or one of the other siblings can go. Heck they can even choose to delay the trip 3-4 more months and plan for your wife to go then....b/c that gives you two enough time to figure out where this marriage is going. If I were you, I would still stick to a "no".

And since I still think your wife is a spoiled brat who deserves harsh treatment at this point, I'll copy and paste what I already wrote on a earlier post:

"To be honest, if I were you, I'd simply give her a choice. Tell her that if she wants to continue this marriage, she will not go to Pakistan, and not even bring it up again. But if she goes to Pakistan, then she should take ALL her stuff and never plan on returning to your home. And that the day the plane leaves to Pakistan, you will contact a lawyer and draw up divorce papers. Then see what choice SHE makes. See if she still wants to go to Pakistan even if it means ending her relationship with you."

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I agree with Paheli :k:

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I may be incorrect but I believe its a land issue and some case there about ownershipp etc. The only reason she wants to be there is for moral support that someone who genuinely cares for her mother is there with here.

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In other circumstances this would be perfectly fine. But her mother (her family) should not be the only one she genuinly cares for.

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While it's nice that she wants to be there for "moral support", that still means that the mother doesn't actually NEED her there. It's an emotional argument.

She needs to start providing some moral support to her HUSBAND and MIL in her new home.

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While I don't agree with the ultimatum of "go on the trip and be done with the marriage", I do agree that the enormity of your marital problems needs to be made clear.

Tell her that before you can make a final decision on the trip you and her need to sit down and have a civil, non-emotional discussion about your relationship. Let her know that crying and sulking has been getting in the way of moving this relationship forward in a productive manner and that you no longer have the patience or tolerance for such behaviour.

Take written notes to the conversation if you need to but make sure that you address each and every concern that you have. Make it crystal clear that things need to change and that you are willing to work with her to help her transition from her current laissez faire attitude to one of taking responsibility for her behaviour, her home and her new relations, primarily her MIL.

Remind her of the good things that you saw in her when you agreed to marry her. Let her know that you understand it is difficult for someone that has grown up as the baby of the family to adjust to being the responsible bahu and that you and MIL are willing to guide her through that path with her cooperation.

Offer her the trip with her mother as a 'break'. Tell her that you are willing to do without her in the home for a month provided she returns to begin a completely new chapter. Lay down the law on how things must be when she returns and show her that you are looking forward to a new atmosphere in the home.

Depending on your relationship with her mother I would consider having a very private and confidential conversation with her about the goings on. Let her know that you guys have not adjusted well to living together and that you suspect she is not happy. Give her insight into life at your home and let her know what your expectations are. Tell her that you have had the above conversation with her daughter and that you are expecting a clean slate on their return. Suggest to her that she have the necessary conversations (discreet or direct is something she can decide on her own) with your wife during their trip.

At the end of the day it is very easy to break up. It is significantly harder to keep trying and find a way to make a relationship successful. I don't believe in giving up so quickly, nor do I believe that people want to make a mess of their lives. Sometimes we are misguided and make harsh/bad decisions because we are worn down or because we simply have reached our limits of tolerance/anger. These are the times to step away and return when we are refreshed. The trip may serve as an opportunity for both of you to refresh and then start with a clean slate.......