Some of you may remember a thread that I happened a month or so ago about the wife and her constant visits to her parents home. I don’t want to discuss that but just want to get some e opinions about the following issues that I am having.
We have been married for 8 months now (she is 29) and she still doesn’t call my mum by any title. She will just ask whether my mum would like any food or if i am there she will get me to ask. She will say somethinmg like ‘aap khana kaow ghay’ to my mum
She has not once rang my mum when she has gone back to her parents. Don’t get me wrong i have always stopped my mum from, ringing her thinking that she may get the hint but she hasn’t I always ring her parents whether the wife is with me or at her parents
She comes downstairs at about 12pm sometimes earlier. I have always been told to be down and at least show your face by 10:30am
She currently isn’t working but she is looking
There is hardly any work to do whatsoever in the household as they are only us three living there
My mum is soft and never tells her to do anything
I just need some advice from people who live with their in-laws and how i can rectify this without making a big deal out of it.
Bro I understand what yu going through...buh the only thing is...you do the same with her parents ....I ain't saying stop respecting them but stop visiting her parents ..give any excuses ....she isn't a kid anymore..she is well matured ...or
speak to ya wife when u guys having good comfortable chattin ..let her explain wha if her bros wife behave the same with her mum...ask her to spend time with your mum...make such plan wher in they both get time to chit chat ..I'm sure it will work..
when there's a will...there's a way ..beleive in Allah ..all will b good :)
hmm you mean you both dont have much understanding, was she always like this i mean before marriage when your mother first time met her, from that day to now ??
Well she has always been a little quiet with everyone except probably me and her own family. I just didn't expect these issues as this isn't normal behaviour of any woman, or so i thought.
Some of you may remember a thread that I happened a month or so ago about the wife and her constant visits to her parents home. I don't want to discuss that but just want to get some e opinions about the following issues that I am having.
We have been married for 8 months now (she is 29) and she still doesn't call my mum by any title. She will just ask whether my mum would like any food or if i am there she will get me to ask. She will say somethinmg like 'aap khana kaow ghay' to my mum.
*So the issue here is that instead of directly talking to your mom she tells you to do it? well i'll say is that speak to her in a clear but polite way and ask what is the reason that she never asks anything directly. may be she is hesitant or has some other issue but is afraid/hesitant to tell. *
She has not once rang my mum when she has gone back to her parents. Don't get me wrong i have always stopped my mum from, ringing her thinking that she may get the hint but she hasn't I always ring her parents whether the wife is with me or at her parents
again you could sit with her and talk through saying that 'is not it nice to ring each other's parents. i do it for your parents. dont you think you should do it too when you are away'
She comes downstairs at about 12pm sometimes earlier. I have always been told to be down and at least show your face by 10:30am
does not seem a problem to me since you said there is not much work in the house to do, she does not work either. so maybe she feels that waking up early will be of no use and the day will be boring as there will be no work to do. you could tell her that sleeping for that late is not good for health so she should try waking up bit early. also while she is looking for a good/professional job you could ask her that in the meantime maybe she could work at a store or something...that will extra income and her time will be organised (btw which country are living in?)
I just need some advice from people who live with their in-laws and how i can rectify this without making a big deal out of it.
like i said before unless you talk to her in a clear cut but polite way you cannot know what her thinking is or what she going through. may be has something to tell or wants to share something but feels hesitant. remember communication/talking through can resolve a lot of matters.
Is your mom upset about not being called by a certain title? Has your mother actually told you that this upsets her? What title would you like your wife to call your mom by? And most importatnly, in the last 8 months, have you had a discussion with your wife regarding this?
Once again, has your mother told you that she’s upset about the fact that your wife doesn’t call her on the phone? If so, then have you actually told your wife that it upsets your mom and that you would appreciate it if she could call your mom when she’s away? And if your wife still hasn’t gotten that hint, then why are you still stopping your mom from calling her?
#4, #5 - How are these “issues”?
If I remember right, I believe last time you were advised to talk to you rmom about giving your wife more responsibility around the house. Is your mom upset about the fact that she doesn’t come downstairs before noon? Does she have any housework to do before that time? If not then why not? Since she doesn’t work…why can’t she be responsible for making breakfast for 3 people?
Sounds like not much has changed. Wife still goes back to her parents house regularlly for overnight visits and you just put up with it. Quit being so scared and confront her.
I can't stop talking/visiting her parents. I can never stoop so low.
Bro I understand what yu going through...buh the only thing is...you do the same with her parents ....I ain't saying stop respecting them but stop visiting her parents ..give any excuses ....she isn't a kid anymore..she is well matured ...or
speak to ya wife when u guys having good comfortable chattin ..let her explain wha if her bros wife behave the same with her mum...ask her to spend time with your mum...make such plan wher in they both get time to chit chat ..I'm sure it will work..
when there's a will...there's a way ..beleive in Allah ..all will b good :)
in a good-mannered way please......
this is your partner in life; you should be able to discuss anything with her.
perhaps plan a nice Saturday brunch at a restaurant with your wife and have a heart to heart with her.
tell her that you've noticed she doesn't appear completely comfortable around your mom.
ask her if there are any concerns in her heart or mind about interacting with her.
ask if there is anything that you can do to help them "gel".
I can't stop talking/visiting her parents. I can never stoop so low.
I didn't say to stop as you doing deliberately ....didn't say..to say no in every occasion n noh even askin her noh to visit ...I'm sayin u need to let her understand abt ya mums feeling ....okay it's understood if she's is young n noh matured ..n takin her time to gel with ur mum...buh sorry to say she isn't ....
4 and 5 are not issues. Problem with my mu is that she does want her to come,e downstairs and at least sit with her but she doesn’t say as she doesn’t want it to be like a demand.
I am upset and I know my mum about the title issue but she will never say. I am going to get my mum to start ringing her and i shouldn’t have stopped her as the wife would have got the hint.
I have (a bit slow i know) only just noticed when i took a step back and assessed her behaviour and confronted my mum about any problems she has.
I will admit that yes I do get scared about confronting her. Just don’t know how women react and whether she will go back to her mums. In our 8 months together we have yet to have an argument.
When you say you want to solve the problem without making a bigg deal out of it .. why r u scared?
U just asking for somthng you deserve then y hesitate ?
Just tell her what u need ..dont b too shareef ..more u delayng it harder you making it for yourself.
Firstly, your wife is not a mind reader. She can’t read your mind or your mother’s. So if you or your mother has an issue with any of her behavior, then you (or your mother) need to sit down with her and TELL her directly exactly how you feel in a respectful manner.
Secondly, STOP BEING SO FRIGGING SCARED! You managed to life with before your wife came into your life right? I’m sure your life will continue even if she leaves it. So the question becomes…does your wife WANT to be a part of your life? This is a serious discussion that you need to have with your wife with being so scared. Because if she’s not happy and wants out…then its better you find out now then spend the next 40 years of your life like this.
From what you’ve written so far…it doesn’t sound like you did anything since the last thread. Your mother, for whatever reason, still has not given your wife additional responsibilities around the house. And you’re just hoping for a miracle to come fix the problem instead of taking control of your own life. You’re just as responsible for this situation as your wife.
Talk to your wife first. At 29 she should be mature. Then talk to her parents or an imam. These are not good signs of a wife. Perhaps she is immature or thinks that your mom will leave. It's a good idea for both parties to express each responsibilities.
Quit being so scared and confront her.
You managed to life with before your wife came into your life right? I’m sure your life will continue even if she leaves it. So the question becomes…does your wife WANT to be a part of your life? This is a serious discussion that you need to have with your wife with being so scared. Because if she’s not happy and wants out…then its better you find out now then spend the next 40 years of your life like this.