There is abuse from mils towards dils like some expect dils to starve while son has to support other married siblings, and make her work like slave. But what the op is simple kindness towards elderly woman. Najeeb honestly don't know what kind of woman you fell in love or married . Please talk to her parents, elders or a mature imam. She needs to learn how to behave properly. Honestly she is taking advantage....it's time that she learn you are serious . Also Najeeb do you have other siblings? Can they help take care of your mom? Till the honeymoon period is over for your wife. Some woman do change when they fear losing their husbands. From what op is saying these basic courtesy issues. Unfortunately for years mils have abused their power and rights but looks like some dils have just outrightly become female dogs . Please pardon my French. Very much concerned for the group of girls that behaves like this .
Ok so I was supposed to chat to her early last week but that did not happen as a few family events occurred. We went out on Friday for a bite to to eat and some bowling. I realised that she was a little down but I thought that before I bring the topic up and discuss at least we could enjoy the evening and alhamdulillah we did.
On Saturday we woke up and I asked her whether she wants to go to a relatives house that i wanted to visit for 20 minutes or so whom only lives around the corner really. She said that ‘I suppose i’ll have, cant do anything else can i’ so I asked her what’s wrong and she mentioned that she wants to talk to me and for me to listen so I stopped what I was doing and sat and asked her what was wrong. She stated that I know whats wrong so i mentioned that i want her to tell me, she then stated that i have always known and why should she say it again. She then said ‘its fu***** all your fault’ got up and went downstairs so I followed and sat her down.
I said that I know sometimes the house gets busy because people plus family always visit my mum. I am sorry but she is a popular person and people like her, cannot do anything about that until we move as then the house will not be within walking distance. I then asked her what else the problem was, she wouldn’t say and just said that I am a coward because I have ignored her for so long and known it has been a problem but have not done anything and to not touch her, she had tears flowing as is normally the case and seems to go in her own world and then complains that I cannot communicate. I mentioned that I have always listened and sat next to you but you have never actually stated what other reasons they are. She stated that she wrote some issues down and I should know, this was obviously regarding my mum.
So she mentioned the same issues with my mum. That my mum commands her to come downstairs, I mentioned that I have been there and she doesnt ever command anyone the only thing she says is ’ if you are free can you please take me to the doctors later today?', this is a sort of command to my wife. I mentioned that they are not issues, she is making them into issues and these are things that nobody takes a second glance at.
I then stated to her what I said before we got married. I am saving up for a house there is nothing else i can do. I have always been side by side with you and try to spend all my time with you which is actually very true i think i spend too much time with her, since being married I have only ever seen a friend once who came over to my house I have never actually been out with mates as I always think she will complain but I have been once every couple of weeks for an hour to a sporting event but even that I don’t bother any more Also that she knew the family situation before getting married as i asked her that many times whether she would be comfortable, i even asked her a few days before the nikaah to confirm and also asked the very first time we chatted about compatibility. Even then i said we would start saving after marriage for a house.
At this point she went quiet and then disappeared to do some washing etc
Najeeb: I know you're saving up money to get a separate house. Here is my question: What will happen when your mom becomes much older and needs assistance on a day-to-day basis due to medical issue....OR simply b/c of old age? If you move out now.....if your mother ever needs help in the future.......are you planning on having her move in with you OR do you have any other sibling who she will live with for sure?
Ok so I was supposed to chat to her early last week but that did not happen as a few family events occurred. We went out on Friday for a bite to to eat and some bowling. I realised that she was a little down but I thought that before I bring the topic up and discuss at least we could enjoy the evening and alhamdulillah we did.
On Saturday we woke up and I asked her whether she wants to go to a relatives house that i wanted to visit for 20 minutes or so whom only lives around the corner really. She said that 'I suppose i'll have, cant do anything else can i' so I asked her what's wrong and she mentioned that she wants to talk to me and for me to listen so I stopped what I was doing and sat and asked her what was wrong. She stated that I know whats wrong so i mentioned that i want her to tell me, she then stated that i have always known and why should she say it again. She then said 'its fu***** all your fault' got up and went downstairs so I followed and sat her down.
I said that I know sometimes the house gets busy because people plus family always visit my mum. I am sorry but she is a popular person and people like her, cannot do anything about that until we move as then the house will not be within walking distance. I then asked her what else the problem was, she wouldn't say and just said that I am a coward because I have ignored her for so long and known it has been a problem but have not done anything and to not touch her, she had tears flowing as is normally the case and seems to go in her own world and then complains that I cannot communicate. I mentioned that I have always listened and sat next to you but you have never actually stated what other reasons they are. She stated that she wrote some issues down and I should know, this was obviously regarding my mum.
So she mentioned the same issues with my mum. That my mum commands her to come downstairs, I mentioned that I have been there and she doesnt ever command anyone the only thing she says is ' if you are free can you please take me to the doctors later today?', this is a sort of command to my wife. I mentioned that they are not issues, she is making them into issues and these are things that nobody takes a second glance at.
I then stated to her what I said before we got married. I am saving up for a house there is nothing else i can do. I have always been side by side with you and try to spend all my time with you which is actually very true i think i spend too much time with her, since being married I have only ever seen a friend once who came over to my house I have never actually been out with mates as I always think she will complain but I have been once every couple of weeks for an hour to a sporting event but even that I don't bother any more Also that she knew the family situation before getting married as i asked her that many times whether she would be comfortable, i even asked her a few days before the nikaah to confirm and also asked the very first time we chatted about compatibility. Even then i said we would start saving after marriage for a house.
At this point she went quiet and then disappeared to do some washing etc
I think she's trying to push you to make a choice between your mother and her.
She sounds like a very bratty child and I don't think she's ever had any sort of responsibility in her entire life.
She knows I will not go anywhere without my mum even though I have siblings that my mum can live with. My mum has also always stated that she would rather live in Pakistan and is actually planning on going and staying there as we have family there as well.
My mum herself has said that if she was to stay here she would spend time at different houses and not stay in one.
Regardless of any of that, the wife knows that there is no chance i would let go of my mum.
Najeeb: I know you're saving up money to get a separate house. Here is my question: What will happen when your mom becomes much older and needs assistance on a day-to-day basis due to medical issue....OR simply b/c of old age? If you move out now.....if your mother ever needs help in the future.......are you planning on having her move in with you OR do you have any other sibling who she will live with for sure?
She knows I will not go anywhere without my mum even though I have siblings that my mum can live with. My mum has also always stated that she would rather live in Pakistan and is actually planning on going and staying there as we have family there as well.
My mum herself has said that if she was to stay here she would spend time at different houses and not stay in one.
Regardless of any of that, the wife knows that there is no chance i would let go of my mum.
Knowing you wont let go of your mother and throwing tantrums to create a situation in which you have no other choice - two separate things.
Regardless of any of that, the wife knows that there is no chance i would let go of my mum.
Ok. Right now according to your wife, her #1 problem is living with your mom and having to deal with your extended family. She has made it crystal clear to you that she wants you to move out asap and ruduce the amount of time you spend with your mom/extended family.
Since your wife is still refusing to openly communicate with you and work WITH you in finding a compromise.....I think its time you get her parents involved. You don't deserve to live life daily with a wife who is going to throw tantrums like a 5 year-old.
If your wife's attitude doesn't change, just imagine once you have a child and your mother/extended family wants to spend time with the child. Once her family is involved, if she is still unwilling to put in the effort needed to become a part of the daily life in your household and still has such a major issue interacting with your family....then you really need to think about your priorities and make a choice.
I spoke to her again yesterday and mentioned that I am saving for a house and we will move but mum as well and she was quite ok with that. The only reason I had another chat with her was to remove any remaining tension and because she was fine with mum.
The issue regarding the extended family I agree with her as I have wanted to move myself before marriage as some of my siblings and their families who live within walking distance think they can come in any part of the day and believe its their own house and will sit there for ages because it has been our family home but also because they are very close to mum. This part of her issue I completely understand with as I cannot stand it myself but I cannot stop it. Sometimes I come home from work and somebody else is sat there as they were walking past the house and thought they would pop in. Even I don't constantly want an in-law or sibling sat there but its a matter of patience on both our parts.
Meeting family and going over is fine for both of us but being reminded that maybe its not only me, the Mrs and my mum living together but sometimes it can be anyone and everyone. As an example if some of my siblings come to visit for a few hours once a week then it has always been fine the issue has been with those siblings and their kids/spouses that think we have nothing throughout the day so might as well go and sit in my house for a few hours every day. This is what she hates and so do I BUT her attitude because of it stinks. Its the behaviour that comes as a result of this that is just wrong. I just remain patient and save.
Regarding compromise I have spoken to her as I have stated above but I am going to speak to her again and confirm everything.
I am aware that her behaviour has been reminiscent of a spoilt child at times and it is something i need to consider and sort out etc
Suffice to say but this saga has definitely been an eye opener and parts of her character she really need to work on.
Ok. Right now according to your wife, her #1 problem is living with your mom and having to deal with your extended family. She has made it crystal clear to you that she wants you to move out asap and ruduce the amount of time you spend with your mom/extended family.
Since your wife is still refusing to openly communicate with you and work WITH you in finding a compromise.....I think its time you get her parents involved. You don't deserve to live life daily with a wife who is going to throw tantrums like a 5 year-old.
If your wife's attitude doesn't change, just imagine once you have a child and your mother/extended family wants to spend time with the child. Once her family is involved, if she is still unwilling to put in the effort needed to become a part of the daily life in your household and still has such a major issue interacting with your family....then you really need to think about your priorities and make a choice.
@najeeb - You keep saying that you need to save. How much do you need to save anyway? Are you planning to move in to a mansion? By the time you've saved enough the ship would've sailed with you wife in it. Get a decent place for ~100K (depending on where you are), pay 5% down or get some sort of first-time homebuyers benefit. If you can't save enough then rent a 1 bedroom place for the time being.
I think you need to separate the mom and the new bride first and then try to figure out all these issues in your life. I think most of these are non-issues anyways.
I understand that you feel guilty about abandoning your mom but you're not doing her a favor by making her feel like she's causing issues between her son and his wife. I am sure your mom wants to do things on her own as you've stated (go to Pakistan).
Just get a small place (or rent). Tell the wife that you'll be spending 2 days a week (1 day of the weekend) with your mom and your family. Tell her that she is welcome to join but if she wants to visit her family or do something on her own during that time, she's free to do it.
As you have mentioned these issues are not really issues and the wife needs to realise we are not going anywhere for the moment and be patient. If she cant be bothered adapting or isnt putting enough effort in then it is something that she needs to look at. Behaviour like this will continue if we move to our own place is she is like this now.
@najeeb - You keep saying that you need to save. How much do you need to save anyway? Are you planning to move in to a mansion? By the time you've saved enough the ship would've sailed with you wife in it. Get a decent place for ~100K (depending on where you are), pay 5% down or get some sort of first-time homebuyers benefit. If you can't save enough then rent a 1 bedroom place for the time being.
I think you need to separate the mom and the new bride first and then try to figure out all these issues in your life. I think most of these are non-issues anyways.
I understand that you feel guilty about abandoning your mom but you're not doing her a favor by making her feel like she's causing issues between her son and his wife. I am sure your mom wants to do things on her own as you've stated (go to Pakistan).
Just get a small place (or rent). Tell the wife that you'll be spending 2 days a week (1 day of the weekend) with your mom and your family. Tell her that she is welcome to join but if she wants to visit her family or do something on her own during that time, she's free to do it.
I have learnt that as a married couple you need to communicate with each other about whatever is troubling you and listen even if you really think it is not an issue, if you have to come to a compromise then that would be fine.
I've also learned that they are some aspects that you just need to ignore as women are women and are generally very quick to pick out issues.
Learnt loads of things but cannot think right now.
najeeb.....what have you learned from this saga about yourself?
I have learnt that as a married couple you need to communicate with each other about whatever is troubling you and listen even if you really think it is not an issue, if you have to come to a compromise then that would be fine.
I've also learned that they are some aspects that you just need to ignore as women are women and are generally very quick to pick out issues.
Learnt loads of things but cannot think right now.
:k: In a marriage, both spouses need to compromise and should be willing to put in en effort to adapt to their situation. Events such as loss of a job, illness/death, having a child etc…all these require sacrifices and compromises. Its ridiculous for your wife to run away to her parents so often or lock herself in her bedroom and refuse to make the effort necessary. Especially when you have told her that the current living situation is temporary.
As a relatively new bride, she should’ve been on her best behavior during the last 8 months at her MIL’s house. And if this is her best behavior…lol…then I pity you for what you’ll experience 5 years from now! If her attitude/behavior doesn’t change, then even when you move out…she’ll find something else to make her miserable.
seriously though, i don’t care if you are the youngest and have had no responsibility family wise. but she is 29! did her parents not teach her about compromising or respecting elders? did they not teach her tolerance? okay fine, maybe they did but she didn’t get the memo that she needs to apply it throughout her life with her new family too. but at 29 her life experiences should have taught her a thing or two on how to deal with various situations and people. you say it’s a love marriage, then i’m sure she knew what she was getting herself in to. did she not think to ever mention it before? she’s just looking to cause issues and i think it’s unfair that she’s putting you in the situation where she’s more or less basically making you choose between her or your mother. after you end this issue she’ll find another and another..
you need to convey all these things to her in a polite manner (as you are doing by the looks of it) ask her what she would do if she was in your situation.
thank god i’m not a husband, can’t be dealing with all these tears over petty little things
