Behaviour of the Wife

Lifestyle Relationships
81

Re: Behaviour of the Wife

She has a couple of friends but she may only text them here and there and meets up with them once every couple of months. This is the way it was for her before marriage as well so it hasn't really changed. She tends to stay at home and may go into town once every couple of days or when she needs to. I or my mum have not placed any restrictions on her. I WANT her to go out and be out for the day.

She wasn't working for at least 4-5 months before shaadi as she was made redundant and due to shaadi she decided to stay at home and help parents. I didn't mind, just thought she would have been bored but she was ok with it.

I don't know about me being innocent etc but I am telling it the way it is. My wife knows that I don't run to rescue my mum when she does something wrong I will always tell her that she is wrong but in private and in a respectful manner. Mums are not perfect. But my mum has never said anything negative to my wife.

82

Re: Behaviour of the Wife

I was supposed to have a chat with her yesterday or so that was the plan.

When I came home everything was ok until the evening but I knew something was different. I asked and she went through what she did throughout the day.

She woke up at half ten to the sound of kids (two nephews) crying. My sister in laws comes to see my mum and ensure everything is ok, especially now that she hasn't been feeling well for the past couple of weeks. Then my wife came downstairs and my sister in laws left after a couple of minutes of chatting to her etc.

My wife then made some tea and breakfast for herself, mum had already eaten as she wakes up around 7am automatically. The wife then said that she was not able to finish her tea because my mum wanted to go to two houses where marriages have taken place. She wanted to congratulate them and give them some clothes which seems to be the typical custom.

My wife did not like that she was unable to relaxingly drink her tea.

She also didnt like that my mother took her to the shop and after purchasing some items handed the bag over to her to hold.

She then mentioned that its very difficult living here and that she couldnt ask for a better husband but the situation is not right.

I wanted to start talking about all these issues that she perceives she had thorughout the day but her parents rang and she actually stated herself that we will talk about them today.

Now I will talk to her about all this today but it just seems as though she just doesn't want to involve herself in anything to do with family at all.

83

Re: Behaviour of the Wife

:eek: I don’t like my MIL but despite that, even I realize that she’s elderly and truly do not mind helping her out with things like holding bags when she goes shopping.

As for the her not being able to finish her chai, lol…even though it sounds childish, I must admit I can relate. If I don’t get some sort of caffeine in the morning, I tend to get pretty grouchy. Question: Did you mom tell her the night before that she was planning on visiting people and expeted your wife to go with her?

Well, looks like the part in bold is what’s been bothering her. Now you know what the problem is. Your wife doesn’t like living with your mom. And keep in mind that this will NOT change. So even if you get a separate house now…years from now if your mom for some reason could not live alone and moved in with you due to her health/age, then these same problems will come up.

You really need to look into your own self and decide just what you’re willing to sacrifice to save this marriage. No one else can make that decision for you b/c you’re the one who has to live with the consequences. Your wife has already told you her feelings. Now its upto you to decide how you want to proceed.

84

Re: Behaviour of the Wife

I am not married but what evr yoh have told us if i put myself into ur shoes then my reponse would be like this

I will tell her in clear that her attitude doesnt make me happy and its hard for me to find peace of mind when my mother is not happy. Also tell her that i do evry thing to make her happy but i dont get enough in return. I would not care how she will respond because i am not asking for somethng that i dont deserve. Also will make it clear that if she is not happy living in this house with my mother then she need to make her choice , but my mother will stay where she is the way she wants .

As i said i am not married so my decision can be immature and impulsive.

85

Re: Behaviour of the Wife

My mum pretty much told her the night before that she would be going to two different houses, time wasn’t specified but she should have known (after 8 months) that my mum wants to do everything as early as possible just like old women. When my family come around they each have a giggle about the way mum and elderly women are with doing things and routine etc. My wife should know that these things aren’t even issues at all.

I’ll speak to her.

86

Re: Behaviour of the Wife

I completely agree with you that after 8 MONTHS of marriage, your wife should be fully aware of the "routine" in the household. Her complaining about your mom asking her to hold some shopping bags is immature. And if you mother already told her the night before about visiting the two families, then it was upto your wife to wake up early enough to drink her chai. If your wife was that concerned about her chai, then she should've asked your mother about the time.

87

Re: Behaviour of the Wife

I'm sorry but your wife is acting very spoiled and entitled. I also think the two of you have communication issues as to what each of you expect and how to compromise so that both of you are happy. Feel sorry for what you must have to go through.

88

Re: Behaviour of the Wife

Your wife is being childish :S. From what you've mentioned, it doesn't even seem like your mom is a 'bad' MIL. For the most part, it seems your wife is free to do whatever she wishes. So, if occasionally, your mom wants your wife to go somewhere with her, she should suck it up and do it. She is your mom's DIL after all. There is a relationship there. To disregard it like this is highly immature. All of us have gone through situations where we don't wanna do something but do it for our elders/others. You give some, you take some. In my recent stay with my MIL - there were some places she wanted me to go with her - I went to some, while turned down some but politely. Your wife seems to not want to do anything at all with your mom or family. Now it's upto you to let her know how you expect her to treat your mom. Try explaining to her that just like her mom, your mom means a lot to you.

89

Re: Behaviour of the Wife

dude.. i been saying it all along…

its like something standard for women these days they force you to choose. Now you got to contemplate long and hard, whether you want to

  1. stay with this woman and let go of your family (because if you do this once, don’t expect her to change later on, you will never be able to mingle with your family again)

2)tell her to get her act together (which is highly unlikely). but you must try, by involving her parents.

don’t listen to these advices (justifications) about her childish behavior and ‘adjusting’ issues and bla bla..

Goodluck

90

Re: Behaviour of the Wife

Agreed.

This is so strange.

It seems like she's not really taking this marriage seriously, wants to be a diva and knows you will do whatever it takes to keep the relationship. She's really abusing your love.

91

Behaviour of the Wife

Reading all of your comments to OP I got sooo ANGRY! What the hell??!!! Sound like you guys want him to get a divorce! Are you guys really so evil that you want to ruin that mans life? Come on its his MOM nowhere in the Quran or Hadith it is written that the daughter inlaw should live with his parents If she doesn't want to! It's actually the husband duty to get his wife another house if she doesn't want to live with his parents! It's his duty to go with his mom to do all the stuff he mention not hers!!! That's what Islam teaches us and I can give u guys proof if you want that or just ask a imam I'd u don't believe me!
By the way I am not saying I agree with his wife she should try to get along with his mom but if she doesn't want to he CAN'T make her of he is a Muslim husband that's a fact and I don't care what the Pakistani culture says! I really hate people who divorce their wife because she doesn't take care of his mom or dad!

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Behaviour of the Wife

By the way sorry about the gramma mistakes and spelling mistakes I was so angry that I just wrote without checking it first

93

Re: Behaviour of the Wife

I don't think its about taking care of the MIL. Its more about common sense. If my aunt was staying with me and she needed to go someone's house, I'd take her. If she was shopping, I wouldn't make her hold her shopping bags. This isn't mazdoori, its the same courtesy you would extend towards anyone else.

94

Re: Behaviour of the Wife

I think my response will probably hurt your feelings. She just seems very spoilt, unappreciative, lacks common sense, victim playing...the list could go on.

thegreatsone: Are you serious? I think you've totally misjudged what most people have said. Talk about reading between the lines, just seems you've fallen right through. Your answer is bordering insert not a nice word You clearly don't understand the significance of her childish behaviour He is here for advice and thus been provided with it.

95

Re: Behaviour of the Wife

is she ok with you?

96

Re: Behaviour of the Wife

I think you sound really immature.

You cannot compare his wife to his mother - that's foolish because his mother gave birth to him and his wife didn't. You cannot divorce your mother. You're responsible for her well being no matter who or how she is. That's it.

In this case, it seems as if the OP's mother is a bit older and just needs some basic concern. People do this stuff all the time for distant relatives and its not a big deal! Taking them somewhere or holding their bags. You could do this for a neighbor without thinking twice about it. If she was demanding haat ki roti three times a day and going on shopping trips on her son's credit card while her DIL starved, I see the injustice. But this isn't injustice. This is common courtesy and if you cannot extend it then you lack compassion for your fellow human beings.

He cannot make her live with his mother according to Islam, you're right. But Islam doesn't allow anyone to misuse the rules. If you're having words with your husband just because you want to finish your morning chai and weren't able to enjoy it leisurely please don't be surprised if your MIL turns into Monster in Law soon after.

97

Re: Behaviour of the Wife

LOL…cute! Sounds like the rants of a teenager.

No one is saying that the wife doesn’t have a right to live separately. And no one is telling OP to “make” his wife do anything. Actually, if I recall correctly, OP said in one of his posts that he plans on buying a separate house but needs to save up money. But that’s not the issue. The issue here is that the OP’s wife has a total lack of respect for her marriage.

If she had a problem living with his mother, the she should’ve said that 8 months ago! That’s what irritates me. Frigging desi women who know BEFORE signing the nikah papers that they’ll be living with their in-laws. They keep their trap shut then. Yet after the nikah, all of a sudden they want their own house, and rest of their “Islamic Rights”, and poor guy is stuck in the middle. :grumpy: And like I said before…I dislike my MIL yet even I don’t complain about holding shopping bags on her behalf! That’s COMMON courtesy towards ANY elderly person.

At the end of the day…the wife can demand her “Islamic rights” all she wants. But the fact remains that Islam doesn’t allow us to divorce our parents. You can hate it all you want but Islam gives husbands the right to divorce their wives period. No where in Islam does it say that a husband can not divorce his wife b/c she is annoyed by his mother and the rest of his family, and wants him to devote 24/7 to HER only.

98

Re: Behaviour of the Wife

Islam says this, Islam says that........granted, and agreed.
Now for a moment please consider what Islam says about courteous behaviour and good manners towards elders.......

99

Re: Behaviour of the Wife

^ aap wo baat keyun pochtee hain, jo bataney k qabil nahi hai :slight_smile:

:chai:

100

Re: Behaviour of the Wife

logon ko Islam uss waqt hi kyun yaat aata hai jab unko apna haq mangna hota hai?
uss waqt kyun nahin yaad aata jab haq ada karna ho?