My mum who all this time was downstairs called us both down as she thought its a little weird we are upstairs for so long so i stated to her to come down with me and her response was that 'i'm not for show'. I asked her what she meant by this but again no answer just tears.
What she meant is, that she wants to decide herself when to be upstairs and when to be downstairs, and not "when your mum calls". To me it seems that your mum means well and does not say that in a commanding fashion, but your wife seems to perceive that it as a "command" or something of that sort when she is called downstairs.
I think you should take your wife out of the house, somewhere quiet and private....and then start a serious discussion with her. Your mom won't interrupt you b/c you're upstairs for too long....and hopefully your wife will remain in better control of her emotions since you'll be in a public place. You need to be very serious with her and let her know that life can not continue like this. Let her know that if she wants to continue this marriage and be a part of your life.....things MUST change, and she MUST tell you what's bothering her so that you can try to fix it.
After this, if she still does not give you a straightforward answer.....I think the next step is to talk to her parents. She's obviously close to her family. If she's not willing to communicate with you like a proper wife should to solve issues in your house.....then you have every right to seek help from her parents....especially since she runs to them so often. Be sincere and respectful BUT honest about what has been happening......and tell her parents that you would like their help in solving the issues b/c you want to see your wife happy and ready to build a new life with you.
after reading all of your new information najeeb i do think your wife needs sense knocked into her. and preferably by someone elder in her own family, and possibly a woman.
I wouldn’t be surprised if she doesn’t return home one day and says she will stay at her parents untill you move out or kick out your mother…when you have another ‘‘talk’’..do keep that possibility in mind.
Marriage is serious business ! Never encourage breaking a marriage. But in your case it seems
Like your wife is not willing to accept reality of marriage. Your relationship must have been great while you were dating. The the vast majority of current relationship are iniated that are based on fantasy. When the marriage takes place they have to face reality. That's when the waterworks (tears) start. The handsome stud you fell in love has an elderly mom, and family members for whom he is responsible . That's when the girl or guy realize its more than she/he bargained for.
Come on guys! They have only been married for 8 months!!!!! it takes time to adjust not only into a new family but living with a guy and I am talking from experience! I have been married for almost a year soon and my husband and I are still trying to adjust and understand each other!
I think it's really a good idea to go for a weekend trip somewhere nice and talk it out! It's properly a misunderstand or maybe she is just depress or maybe she feels u don't really love her or something stupid like that.
By the way don't u think its a bit strange that ur mom thinks you guys have been in ur room a bit to long?! Come on u are newly wed! Your mom should understand that u guys need a lot of alone time! Your mom was a newly wed once to so she should understand that! Maybe that's the problem maybe your wife don't feel like you spend enough time with her without ur mom being around all the time.
Besides work I spend most of my time with my wife. If going out then it is only us two and even inside I am normally helping her. My mum only called us downstairs because we said we would be watching something on tv and she obviously wanted to watch it with the both of us.
Regarding time spent together, we went out early Saturday afternoon together and came back rather late in the evening. On Sunday we had already though of somewhere to spend the day but she wanted to stay in. I advised that it is Sunday and normally all my siblings will attempt to visit my mum on this day but she was ok with it.
Sunday evening two of my sisters families appeared about 4pm and after half an hour the wife disappeared and in tears stated that she wanted a quiet night in and we as a family are too loud. To which I replied, firstly we are all aware that my siblings were coming and who after 90 minutes disappeared back to their homes and also that my family is loud as are nearly all the families that we know as you have multiple conversations going on and people laughing etc.
She knows I love her and I would do anything for her and I agree that she is most likely depressed but like Paheli said I need to take her out and have a serious chat.
Come on guys! They have only been married for 8 months!!!!! it takes time to adjust not only into a new family but living with a guy and I am talking from experience! I have been married for almost a year soon and my husband and I are still trying to adjust and understand each other!
I think it's really a good idea to go for a weekend trip somewhere nice and talk it out! It's properly a misunderstand or maybe she is just depress or maybe she feels u don't really love her or something stupid like that.
By the way don't u think its a bit strange that ur mom thinks you guys have been in ur room a bit to long?! Come on u are newly wed! Your mom should understand that u guys need a lot of alone time! Your mom was a newly wed once to so she should understand that! Maybe that's the problem maybe your wife don't feel like you spend enough time with her without ur mom being around all the time.
Honestly sounds like a pretty peaceful life to me. Wife doesnt create drama. Your mum keeps peace. I am not sure why are you trying to create something which i dont even see. Let her be and perhaps try to help her out of the depression. Maybe she isnt even depressed but likes quietness.
she's not happy about something for sure
should speak up on her own
to do the above,you should stop giving too much importance to this behaviour of hers for sometime,don't try making her speak up,stop discussing,pretend you are not aware a problem exists,and that she isn't happy.
pretend you're all happy.
stretch her to the limit,she'll speak up on her own.
More you're trying,it's not working.
I am going to do what Paheli has said this week and InshaAllah we will be able to have a serious discussion.
she's not happy about something for sure
should speak up on her own
to do the above,you should stop giving too much importance to this behaviour of hers for sometime,don't try making her speak up,stop discussing,pretend you are not aware a problem exists,and that she isn't happy.
pretend you're all happy.
stretch her to the limit,she'll speak up on her own.
More you're trying,it's not working.
Some people cry over the littlest of things. And she being the youngest of her family maybe has this trait in her. Maybe she's used to getting her way with everything by crying. Who knows. But yeah talk to her very directly and tell her that as an adult, she needs to communicate her issues, not just cry. Also, her saying something along the lines of 'this isn't what she thought marriage was gonna be like' ..shows she'd envisioned a more idealistic kinda marriage. She needs to realize that this is real life and not everything is always fluffy and shiny.
Also, her saying something along the lines of 'this isn't what she thought marriage was gonna be like' ..shows she'd envisioned a more idealistic kinda marriage. She needs to realize that this is real life and not everything is always fluffy and shiny.
I think she already realizes that this is real life and it's not whatever she envisioned in her mind. As much as I hate saying it......I think it's time for her to realize and decide if she is willing to be a part of this "real life" and accept it for what it is. Keeping herself secluded in her room, and running away to her parents every other week is NOT the way to continue this marriage. Being a wife is A LOT more than signing the nikah papers and sharing a bed with your husband. The way this woman has been treating her marriage for the last 8 months, its not fair to najeeb.
We make many decisions in life which in hindsight is wrong for us. Once we realize that we made a "bad" choice.....then it's upto us to decide if we want to get out of it OR stay and continue. But if we choose to stay and continue, then we need to be willing to put in the effort required to fulfill our obligations to those closest to us. Whatever the heck is going on in that woman's mind....it's absolutely unfair for her put Najeeb through this.
I Think before we all blame the wife of something she may or may not have done how about hearing her side of the story!?? I don't think the OP is so innocent and I have a feeling there is more to this story than what e is telling us. I find it a bit strange that every time one of us criticise his mom he run to her rescue but not when we do the same with his wife...maybe I am wrong. I hope I am but still
Does the wife get to go out and socialise with her old friends or ppl her own age? She sounds depressed.. If she comes down so late in the mornings maybe it's cos she doesn't think there is much to get up for?
I don't mean this is a nasty way but IF most of her contact is with much older inlaws that doesn't sound much fun (and yes I would say the same about my own sis-in-law if she was at home most of the time with my own parents.. One of my aunts who lived with my grandad used to get fed-up and say 'this isn't what I imagined married life to be like' as well.. and it's not the same if you only mainly go out with your husband).. I am NOT saying this is necessarily what is happening in your case tho..
dude, try this one thing. send your mom away for a week or so to your siblings'. and see how she behaves. if she acts normal and no tantrums. then you can be sure she has allergic reaction to your mom's existence. and i am really really serious here. do try it.
Najeeb...after reading all your comments I think she has an issue with your mom.
It seems like she wants you all to herself and doess't like the fact that she has to share you with your mom and your other family members.
Especially the fact that your mom lives with you so you obviously have to spend time with her.
Looking at the fact that she doesn't call your mom with a name like mom or aunty. Does not interact with her. Goes to her room crying when your family shows up.
It seems like she imagined a life where it would just be you and her and she will not have a 3rd person to think about and interfere in her life.