Re: Behaviour of the Wife
Najeeb......it could be a case of your wife lacking awareness or that she was brought up differently. Rather than complain and assume the worst about her......try talking to her about the issues calmly because she's not a mind reader.
Re: Behaviour of the Wife
LOL. Dude, read all of the above posts and now go apologize to your wife. You are always wrong , get it?
Re: Behaviour of the Wife
No one is saying that ^
All we're trying to say is...these issues are not really issues.
Re: Behaviour of the Wife
She is lazy also absent minded. Typical traits of spoiled brats who have no strong males in their own family. Let me guess her mom wears pants in her family.
Re: Behaviour of the Wife
Was going to write something but its kinda late, so the next best thing is to take Paheli's advice whatever that might be.
Re: Behaviour of the Wife
-did you ever talk to her in a meningful way about resolving your issues with her?
-have you ever bothered to know what goes through her mind?
-btw, why do you expect her to be perfect?
-why do you expect so much from her?
i think you should do some introspection first!
Re: Behaviour of the Wife
A man is responsible for his mom and his wife.
If the wife wishes to cater to MIL then yeahh if not then she is not to be held responsible. Even through Islamic point of view.
Re: Behaviour of the Wife
Ok. I had or shall I say I attempted to have a discussion with her.
I spoke to my mum and she doesn't mind any of the issues, she just stated that her behaviour is reminiscent of someone who is not happy where they are and her actions are a reflection of that mindset she has. Mum also mentioned that as a husband it is up to you to discuss these matters.
Hence I did not speak about any if the issues or those things that I thought were issues. I have previously spoken about waking up early and she said that she realised that and will sort it out.
Anyway, so I spoke to her and she mentioned that she has the same issue she has had for 8 months and that is that she does not like it here. So I asked why she doesn't like it and I did not get an answer, just tears. Then I asked whether it was my family members who come around every other day to see my mum as she is old but no answer still. She stated that this isn't the type of married life anyone/she wanted and for me it was normal so I asked what she meant by that comment but no answer. My mum who all this time was downstairs called us both down as she thought its a little weird we are upstairs for so long so i stated to her to come down with me and her response was that 'i'm not for show'. I asked her what she meant by this but again no answer just tears.
I then asked what did she want to do or what did she want me to do but no answer just tears.
She knows that I am saving literally every penny i get for a house and i have also mentioned countless times that without a sufficeitn deposit we won't be able to find anything. I wanted to have a discussion about our finances and where we are and where we need to be before our move etc BUT if i cant get any answers out of her at all about why she does not like it then what can I do?
The above conversation with her lasted about 3 hours, I was sat there with her asking and then wiping her tears and then half an hour later she would say something and then tears.
It was a love marriage and no, i did not have a clue about this sort of behaviour.
Now I can speak to my mum and mention the problem and for her to speak to her but i would rather keep it between us two for now. She married me and I married her.
If I remember right, I believe his wife is the youngest and was very spoiled by her family. It doesn't sound like her family ever gave her much (if any) responsibilities around the house or had high expectations. And from what's being posted....now her husband and MIL aren't giving her any responsibilities either. I believe OP wrote in the last thread that the wife is bored and doesn't have anything to do. His mother does everything in the house on her own and doesn't delegate any tasks to his wife.
Since her husband and MIL refuse to have a open conversation with her....the wife is under the assumption that she can continue to behave the way she did before the marriage.
Re: Behaviour of the Wife
Who says i expect so much from her???
I ask her all the time and always try to arrange for us to go places.
Nobody is perfect.
-did you ever talk to her in a meningful way about resolving your issues with her?
-have you ever bothered to know what goes through her mind?
-btw, why do you expect her to be perfect?
-why do you expect so much from her?
i think you should do some introspection first!
Re: Behaviour of the Wife
No one is saying that ^
All we're trying to say is...these issues are not really issues.
A man is responsible for his mom and his wife.
If the wife wishes to cater to MIL then yeahh if not then she is not to be held responsible. Even through Islamic point of view.
Ofcourse its not a big issue since its not the baho who is crying because her mil ordered the icecream that she dont like..or her mil didnt help her in cooking .these are the big issues not the one this dude is worryng about?..
You would b ok if ur bhabi treats ur mom like that? Dont shamelessly say "YES"
But its islamic point of view and islam doesnot teach ethics.right!?
Re: Behaviour of the Wife
My mum tries a lot with her and has always said she is like my daughter but its as though she just pushes people away.
When your wife wants to go home every weekend ot to visit but to stay and combined with the fact that she isnt trying at your own house and is basically living in a house but not a part of the house then yes it becomes an issue. Everyone in my family has stated that it seems as though she has no motivation to do anything and even go out and is never concerned with anything for that matter.
All I want is clear answers from my Mrs.
Nobody wants to live in a house where your mum is constantly asking what is wrong with your Mrs and yuo dont know what to say. Then you talk to your wife and no response.
It just sounds like you are making an issue out of nothing. If you, yourself have not managed to create a proper relationship with this girl in the last eight months then how do you expect her to do the same in your home. Respect and love is earned not demanded. I dont think having a heart to heart will do anything for your situation because it doesn't seem to appear that the two of you even have an understanding. How about putting more of an effort to make her feel more comfortable, and making her feel as if your mother is like her mother, that is the way love is conditioned and earned. And when I say comfortable I'm not talking about materially, but emotionally and mentally. Bringing two worlds together takes a lot of time and patience but with understanding and love, not demanding it. Why not get to know this girl first, how she operates and mix her ways in yours so they compliment and blend together instead of just "wanting" HER to do things the way you would like.
I also have to ask, what is wrong with her visiting her parents regularly?? You LIVE with your mother, you can't even grasp a simple understanding of why she would want to visit her parents so often. Put yourself in her shoes, if you were on your own, wouldn't you want to visit your mother regularly?? You need to make this girl feel like she needs you in order for her to feel any connection, maybe it's not apparent from your posts but it looks like you need to work on your marriage before you raise family issues as a concern.
If this is the way your mother feels, then talk to your mom about giving it time. If you can manage to keep everyone's respect for one another, you will have more peace of mind and people will be more willing to keep an open mind. If one person is constantly being made to be the bad guy, well then you'll have a pretty stressful home life. You know how to make your mother happy already, you know her, learn more about your wife and earn her trust. If she trusts you, and you her, you will automatically make things work. It's called marriage.
Re: Behaviour of the Wife
Ok. I had or shall I say I attempted to have a discussion with her.
I spoke to my mum and she doesn't mind any of the issues, she just stated that her behaviour is reminiscent of someone who is not happy where they are and her actions are a reflection of that mindset she has. Mum also mentioned that as a husband it is up to you to discuss these matters.
Hence I did not speak about any if the issues or those things that I thought were issues. I have previously spoken about waking up early and she said that she realised that and will sort it out.
Anyway, so I spoke to her and she mentioned that she has the same issue she has had for 8 months and that is that she does not like it here. So I asked why she doesn't like it and I did not get an answer, just tears. Then I asked whether it was my family members who come around every other day to see my mum as she is old but no answer still. She stated that this isn't the type of married life anyone/she wanted and for me it was normal so I asked what she meant by that comment but no answer. My mum who all this time was downstairs called us both down as she thought its a little weird we are upstairs for so long so i stated to her to come down with me and her response was that 'i'm not for show'. I asked her what she meant by this but again no answer just tears.
I then asked what did she want to do or what did she want me to do but no answer just tears.
She knows that I am saving literally every penny i get for a house and i have also mentioned countless times that without a sufficeitn deposit we won't be able to find anything. I wanted to have a discussion about our finances and where we are and where we need to be before our move etc BUT if i cant get any answers out of her at all about why she does not like it then what can I do?
The above conversation with her lasted about 3 hours, I was sat there with her asking and then wiping her tears and then half an hour later she would say something and then tears.
It was a love marriage and no, i did not have a clue about this sort of behaviour.
Now I can speak to my mum and mention the problem and for her to speak to her but i would rather keep it between us two for now. She married me and I married her.
This conversation was a good start, but you both have a huge communication gap. There is something bothering her, but she's not confident enough in you to spill it all out, because what if it doesn't get resolved, that's kind of how she's thinking. So you both have A LOT of these type of conversations waiting to happen in the future.
If you WANT to have a discussion about finances, than you should. If you can't talk to your wife, than who else? Before you said she's looking for a job, that's great on her part.
Overall, all three of you seem to be very understanding of each other, so iA these little problems will get handled. My only advice would be better communication.
Re: Behaviour of the Wife
My mum tries a lot with her and has always said she is like my daughter but its as though she just pushes people away.
When your wife wants to go home every weekend ot to visit but to stay and combined with the fact that she isnt trying at your own house and is basically living in a house but not a part of the house then yes it becomes an issue. Everyone in my family has stated that it seems as though she has no motivation to do anything and even go out and is never concerned with anything for that matter.
All I want is clear answers from my Mrs.
Nobody wants to live in a house where your mum is constantly asking what is wrong with your Mrs and yuo dont know what to say. Then you talk to your wife and no response.
Clearly these are the issues. The people here who are saying that these are not issues at all then i feel sorry for them. But you have also got an issue my friend, you are being too nice with your wife. You are being nice to the extent where she is taking all your understanding and niceness for granted. Time to man up and put all fears aside that "what will be her reaction, how she will respond" and tell her what you are telling us all here. Good luck
Re: Behaviour of the Wife
O brother this is tough. But be patience, things like these do kind of make u go crazy but u have to stay strong and hang in there. All i can think is to pray to Allah for you that your wife understand u and your mother and all three of you live a happy life :).
Re: Behaviour of the Wife
Hi,
Some of you may remember a thread that I happened a month or so ago about the wife and her constant visits to her parents home. I don't want to discuss that but just want to get some e opinions about the following issues that I am having.
I just need some advice from people who live with their in-laws and how i can rectify this without making a big deal out of it.
Thanks
kick her out bring the new one.
Re: Behaviour of the Wife
The thing is that she always discusses her family problems with me, whether small or huge and i have always provided her with advice and have been there for her and her family, even if it means doing the obvious thing and at least being with her family because that is common sense.
I have always been the listener type and want to know about issues so that i can deal with them and InshaAllah resolve them quickly or at least provide an action plan. But this behaviour is difficult to comprehend.
I admit that we have been married for 8 months and have never had an argument, raised our voices etc but this has been a recurring theme and now I do want to get to the bottom of it. It is so stressful as she could randomly say that she is going to her mums or have a face on when i come back from work for no obvious reason at all. It is like I or maybe all the family are stepping on sea shells.
I am InshaAllah going to have another discussion with her either today evening or tomorrow evening. Probably ask the same questions and see whetehr i get any further.
Thank you
This conversation was a good start, but you both have a huge communication gap. There is something bothering her, but she's not confident enough in you to spill it all out, because what if it doesn't get resolved, that's kind of how she's thinking. So you both have A LOT of these type of conversations waiting to happen in the future.
If you WANT to have a discussion about finances, than you should. If you can't talk to your wife, than who else? Before you said she's looking for a job, that's great on her part.
Overall, all three of you seem to be very understanding of each other, so iA these little problems will get handled. My only advice would be better communication.
Re: Behaviour of the Wife
Najeeb i kind of all of sudden had this thought. In our family basically my siblings are married with cousins and few of them did had problems right after their marriage, at times things were really really strange, there was nothing wrong but also nothing right, especially with my brother. He was not able to keep my Bhabi happy, no matter what he did. So at the end he had a talk with bhabi's mother in a very friendly way telling her that she does not eat well, she stay quite and he felt something was bothering her, and he left her with her mom for 1-2 days. After that she came back with her mom and started changing, but brother was able to do that because his mother in law was his khala. In your case dont know if u can do the same. Are you friendly with any one elder and wise from her side, whose bit friendly with you. I am not saying you tell entire story from start to end just give them a little hint that she stays sad, something like that.
But again i am not sure if this will be the right thing in your case, you better ask other expert guppies before taking any step like this, i just wish things get better for you and your family.
Re: Behaviour of the Wife
Ok. I had or shall I say I attempted to have a discussion with her.
I spoke to my mum and she doesn't mind any of the issues, she just stated that her behaviour is reminiscent of someone who is not happy where they are and her actions are a reflection of that mindset she has. Mum also mentioned that as a husband it is up to you to discuss these matters.
Hence I did not speak about any if the issues or those things that I thought were issues. I have previously spoken about waking up early and she said that she realised that and will sort it out.
Anyway, so I spoke to her and she mentioned that she has the same issue she has had for 8 months and that is that she does not like it here. So I asked why she doesn't like it and I did not get an answer, just tears. Then I asked whether it was my family members who come around every other day to see my mum as she is old but no answer still. She stated that this isn't the type of married life anyone/she wanted and for me it was normal so I asked what she meant by that comment but no answer. My mum who all this time was downstairs called us both down as she thought its a little weird we are upstairs for so long so i stated to her to come down with me and her response was that 'i'm not for show'. I asked her what she meant by this but again no answer just tears.
I then asked what did she want to do or what did she want me to do but no answer just tears.
She knows that I am saving literally every penny i get for a house and i have also mentioned countless times that without a sufficeitn deposit we won't be able to find anything. I wanted to have a discussion about our finances and where we are and where we need to be before our move etc BUT if i cant get any answers out of her at all about why she does not like it then what can I do?
The above conversation with her lasted about 3 hours, I was sat there with her asking and then wiping her tears and then half an hour later she would say something and then tears.
It was a love marriage and no, i did not have a clue about this sort of behaviour.
Now I can speak to my mum and mention the problem and for her to speak to her but i would rather keep it between us two for now. She married me and I married her.
How often do you guys go outside for fun? Do you sit with her and watch tv or movies? Have ever tried cooking with her or folding laundry?
Saving for a house is fabulous but don't just go bonkers with it. Make sure you give time to your wife. From your above response it feels as if she wants your attention and time with you which she is not quite getting.
Re: Behaviour of the Wife
We watch movies together, do the shopping together. Whenever she is cooking I am there with her and help even forcefully to wash the dishes at least.
As an example i have planned something for this weekend and even next Saturday. I am always trying to et out to do things with her, at least on the weekends. During the week I must admit that besides shopping we don't really go out as I am working and get home around 6-7pm.
How often do you guys go outside for fun? Do you sit with her and watch tv or movies? Have ever tried cooking with her or folding laundry?
Saving for a house is fabulous but don't just go bonkers with it. Make sure you give time to your wife. From your above response it feels as if she wants your attention and time with you which she is not quite getting.
Re: Behaviour of the Wife
while your issues here might be deeper than what seems on the surface, part of me wants to tell you to just ignore it all. women can find many ways to give grief to their men. impossible to keep them happy over a sustained period of time ... happiness only comes in short bursts and fizzles out pretty quickly. if its not one thing, its the other.
wanting to be infinitely nice to your spouse is natural but sometimes even your spouse doesn't hesitate in taking advantage of you. and that is doubly hurtful. personal experience.