Behaviour of the Wife

Lifestyle Relationships
21

Re: Behaviour of the Wife

Take your mum and wife to dinners on couple of occasion and see if you can break the ice. If they both spend some time together in the presence of facilitator (yourself), it might help.

22

Re: Behaviour of the Wife

Exactly. You are asking random people on the internet for advise without even speaking with your own wife about it? If you don't tell her, she won't even know that this is an issue for you (and/or your mum). So you can't blame her for that.

23

Behaviour of the Wife

Why are so scared to demand your rights
. She figured out that you are scared is taking advantage of that. Please be loving but expect that in return. Otherwise you will be a bitter man. Every girl I know calls her saas ami or at least aunty. This is not good upbringing. She probably wants your mom to disappear or doesn't feel comfortable with having her around. This is an issue if your mum will live with you. Was this love marriage or arranged? Why don't girls realize that mil will be a part of their lives? If mil is being unreasonable then the wife has right to be upset. But household work is part f being married or rather being an adult . Better you sort out these issues before you have kids.

24

Re: Behaviour of the Wife

Nothing will change as long as you continue being scared. So for your own sake, I hope you get over this and take control of your own life.

25

Re: Behaviour of the Wife

If I remember right, I believe his wife is the youngest and was very spoiled by her family. It doesn't sound like her family ever gave her much (if any) responsibilities around the house or had high expectations. And from what's being posted....now her husband and MIL aren't giving her any responsibilities either. I believe OP wrote in the last thread that the wife is bored and doesn't have anything to do. His mother does everything in the house on her own and doesn't delegate any tasks to his wife.

Since her husband and MIL refuse to have a open conversation with her....the wife is under the assumption that she can continue to behave the way she did before the marriage.

26

Re: Behaviour of the Wife

have you told her these things bother you?

if so, what does she say about it?

27

Re: Behaviour of the Wife

I don't know how effective a "facilitator" he can be if he hasn't the wherewithal to speak open-heartedly to his wife himself.....

28

When I got married I didn't know what to call my mil, I did Aunty once or twice, she smiled and told me that I am like your own mother now and will love you like a daughter, call me Ammi. See it isn't that hard. Your mom can say that. I don't think this should be an issue. A lot of newly wed don't know a lot of things, helping then out adjusting won't hurt.
I also wasn't an early riser. My in laws on the other hand would be up at 6. I did hear my mil say once if I would wake up earlier they could all have bkfast together. They didn't make a big deal about it and started feeling bad about waking up late. I changed my habit and I am up by 7:30-8, still not 6 but it okay.
Your wife comes from a different family and follows different rules, you need to start telling her how thing are done in your family. I don't think she is doing this all intentionally. She just needs someone to tell her about your family's lifestyle. And give her some time to adjust. Everyone goes through adjustment stage after marriage, help her out. Be supportive of her, tell her it's okay if she takes longer to adjust as long as she is truly trying. You also need to tell your mom to talk to your wife about things that interest her. I find most of my mil's convo boring, she is a very nice person but her bateen are not exciting to me at all. If I had to choose, I'd rather not sit with her but I still do because she expects that and that's okay. Give her some time to adjust and help her with the changes and expectations.

29

Re: Behaviour of the Wife

I feel like she is lonely, but at 29 she's old enough to be making an effort to bond with her new family. You know her nature best (sounds like she's an introvert) - you could try suggesting to her and your mom that they do fun things together like shopping, trying out a new cuisine, going for a movie.
She also NEEDS more responsibility in the house - that way she is better connected with it. Seems like she's living in the house like it's a hotel- that's not fair on your mom.

30

Behaviour of the Wife

I think bringing mom and wife for outings/dinners will work. And let your mom know that you would like ur wife to call her by a certain name and to tell ur wife nicely.. Gd luck!

31

Re: Behaviour of the Wife

Your wife don't want your MOM in the house.

Now its upto you to make her understand whether thats going to happen or not.

32

Re: Behaviour of the Wife

Make it part of a casual conversation and be super nice about it...like this "Babe, does my mom make you uncomfortable in any way? Because I noticed you dont speak to her much, you dont call her aunty and stuff*...I just wonder because she likes you so much and wants to get to know you*. Is everything ok with your life here? ".
And thats it...if she has any issues that maybe she wants to address, she will takes this chance to say it- if she's smart.

33

Re: Behaviour of the Wife

You seem like a down to earth guy. There maybe a lot of different things in play here. Just have a really meaningful conversation of honesty, openness and being considerate. What both of your expectations are and how best to have good open lines of communication. Your mother infact all mothers deserve respect from their in law kin. I really liked the fact you said you wouldn't stoop so low. That shows that you want a real loving marriage, no games and lame chess moves.
Just talk to her and take it from there, you'll know what feels right to do and say.
Love and honour your mother and wife always, just don't become the go-between.

34

Re: Behaviour of the Wife

How about I put a stop to YOUR crap?

We have been married for 8 months now (she is 29) and** she still doesn't call my mum by any title*. She will just* ask whether my mum would like any foo*d or* if i am there she will get me to ask*. **She will say somethinmg like 'aap khana kaow ghay' to my mum
*
-What TITLE do you want her to call her by? Who the hell calls their family members by a title? Do you call her parents with any title? Why your mum specifically? Why doesn't your dad get a title too? Or your siblings? What about YOU - while we're at it, why don't you get a title too, like "Huzoor" or some crap like that.
-You say she doesn't talk to your mom directly, but then you give an example of her asking your mom "aap khana khao gay?" Anyway, how is that question rude? Seems pretty polite to me.
**
She has not once rang my mum** when she has gone back to her parents. Don't get me wrong i have always stopped my mum from, ringing her thinking that she may get the hint but she hasn't** I always ring her parents whether the wife is with me or at her parent**

-she LIVES with you and your mom, so WHY is she going to call your mom when she's visiting her own mom?
-you ring her parents out of politeness to occasionally keep in touch with them - mind you, you dont LIVE WITH THEM, so you dont see them every day. She doesn't need to live with your mom PLUS call her if she's a day away too! That's ridiculous.

**
She comes downstairs at about 12pm sometimes earlier. I have always been told to be down and at least show your face by 10:30a**
-again, how is this rude, when you yourself say there isn't much to do around the house? What is she supposed to do? Sit at a table and put her head in her hands and stare at your mom with adoration? Maybe she is up in her room taking care of her own business and errands, etc.

*She currently isn't working but she is lookin
*-how is this a bad point? Good for her, she is looking to be productive in society.
-do you want her to work? do you not want her to work? why don't you just let her do what she wants, how about that idea?
**
There is hardly any work to do whatsoever in the household as they are only us three living ther
**-then maybe y'all need to do more work...or there is a lot of work, but you just don't realize it, cuz you aren't doing it...the women are.

*My mum is soft and never tells her to do anything
*-what do you think she wants from your wife, but is too scared to ask for? Let her figure it out, she's an adult.

I think, quite honestly, ALL these things are non-issues, and you're making trouble where there doesn't need to be any trouble.

Try being more tolerant.

35

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i agree with the post above and spiral.

you are interfering too much in womanly issues. the only thing that should concern you is if you want your wife awake seeing you off in the morning. if you do, tell her that nicely. tell her you would love for her to see you off and for that to be how you start your day. that is a nice loving way to get what you want. post seeing you off she can go to sleep or whatever.

also, MILs can do a lot in integrating a new member into the family. My own goes out of her way and has done so in order to make me feel comfortable in her home and actually WANT to go sit with her and FIL in the mornings when I am in my inlaws' home. she is always loving and encouraging. and she gives me and my husband a lot of space. she makes it clear with encouraging words that we (husband and I) are responsible for each other and we will be the ones sharing life together hence we should be there for one another. we live away from home but when we are home on vacations, she will not let me cook or clean. BUT she will ask me what my husband wants and when, and will hand me things cooked for him to take to him. in this manner she made me feel responsible for his well-being.

your basic mistake is getting into your mom and wife's relationship. if something isn't broken, don't fix it. your mom is the elder lady, if she wants she can teach her DIL how to behave with herself. she taught YOU didn't she? her DIL is like her own daughter (slight stretch but in educated families, this has now become norm, mashallah look at khawateen's MIL - such an amazing woman ). She doesn't need you to advocate anything.

And another BIG mistake you made was stopping your mom from calling the wife when wife is in her own home. To this day, my MIL calls me more than I call her. She finds NO ego in it. And let me tell you, because of this, when she doesn't find the time to call me when I am away, I miss her calls and presence and I call her. BUT SHE started it! Heck I don't even call my own mom unless she calls me!

YOU are hampering your mom's relationship with your wife. back off. Or talk to your mom.

36

Re: Behaviour of the Wife

1) what does her age have to do with her giving your mom a "title". what title do you think she ought to call you and your mom by. Lord and Lady of the house? She should call you sir, and perhaps call her a queen and bow down every time she approaches you guys? take it this way... sometimes when i feel uncomfortable/not confident enough/awkward/too distant from someone, i'm not sure what to call them. there's no reason to judge her for that. its not like she's disrespecting your mom. u can just tell her..hey why dont u try calling my mom aunty or mom...or whatever u prefer. maybe she's shy and she's waiting for you to give her the ok on calling your mom "mom" or "aunty".
2) the reason she doesnt feel the need to call ur mom is explained by another poster...ur wife LIVES with ur mom and she probly doesnt feel close to YOUR mom, so she doesnt "miss" her or feels the need to talk to YOUR mom if she goes to visit her parents for a day. did u need a wife, or u needed to hire someone to talk to ur mom all day so ur mom doesnt feel lonely?
3) you've been told to show ur face at 10:30 am. have u told her "hey wifey listen, mom would like it a bit more if u would come downstairs earlier and maybe have breakfast with her"...try at least telling her and then if she doesnt come down early...thenn maybe maybeeee there's an issue, but right now thats not an issue....and in a way...ur wife has to fulfill ur needs AND your mom's needs?

4 and 5 ) wth..do u not want her to work or u want her to work ASAP? how do u know there's not a lot of work arnd the house? do u have like an army of nokars doing all the house chores, cooking, cleaning, laundrying?
6) ur mom should be cursing her out at all times? if your mom and u have this many issues with her...i say u get rid of her and buy a new wife...problem solved.
7) you are unbelievable. wat kinda man nitpicks this much. ughh brown guys.

37

Re: Behaviour of the Wife

Sorry but you sound like you're trying to stir things up between the two of you.

People don't know how to be married before they get married, remember that. She will live and learn just as much as you will. Its not like women go to a "How to be a perfect wife" school before they get married. Every family is different, every home is different and even household rules differ. Learning a new family's ways when you've been set in your own for about 29 years is not an overnight thing.

You're making the classic mistake of becoming the guy caught in the middle. Stay out of it. It seems your mom has some issues with your wife and is not comfortable bringing them up with her but has no problem talking to you about it. As a result of this, you're getting ready to have your first fight in 8 months. All of a sudden, you're beginning to see the light and all sorts of problems are popping up? Really?

Lots of people are shy. They're awkward and even though they want to address inlaws properly, they can't seem to find the right place to start. If your mom is truly very soft, she can probably use her soft nature to rectify this issue much better than yourself.

You want her to wake up early, be more responsible around the house, etc then talk to her about it. You can have a gentle conversation, talk to her about the things you'd prefer she did for you or for the house.

About this calling nonsense - WHY would you tell your mom not to call her? WHY would you instigate and make your wife out to be the bad guy? She doesn't have to call your mom if she goes to her parents' home. She lives with your mom...why on earth does she need to call?

I honestly think this is tooooooooooo much riff raff. You're nit picking over so many little things that can easily be ignored. Forget ignored, they're not problems.

And you need to stop turning into a Star Plus drama. You're a man so act like one. Men don't get involved in these things. Stay out of whatever issues your mom is having with your wife. In due time, the two will learn to communicate.

38

Behaviour of the Wife

Communication is very imp. Please make clear your expectations. As far calling your mum while she is at parents house...you mum could say beta call me ...I worry about you and want to hear you khairat even if its is for a few minutes.

Does she not call ur mom - ami- is that the title you are referring to?

People lets not jump op's throat....for girls you need to treat his mum with respect if you want him to treat your parents with respect...it's a two way street .....marriage is very different from dating. You marry the whole family.....it's a total package.

Najeeb was this a love marriage? Or arranged?

39

Behaviour of the Wife

It just sounds like you are making an issue out of nothing. If you, yourself have not managed to create a proper relationship with this girl in the last eight months then how do you expect her to do the same in your home. Respect and love is earned not demanded. I dont think having a heart to heart will do anything for your situation because it doesn't seem to appear that the two of you even have an understanding. How about putting more of an effort to make her feel more comfortable, and making her feel as if your mother is like her mother, that is the way love is conditioned and earned. And when I say comfortable I'm not talking about materially, but emotionally and mentally. Bringing two worlds together takes a lot of time and patience but with understanding and love, not demanding it. Why not get to know this girl first, how she operates and mix her ways in yours so they compliment and blend together instead of just "wanting" HER to do things the way you would like.

I also have to ask, what is wrong with her visiting her parents regularly?? You LIVE with your mother, you can't even grasp a simple understanding of why she would want to visit her parents so often. Put yourself in her shoes, if you were on your own, wouldn't you want to visit your mother regularly?? You need to make this girl feel like she needs you in order for her to feel any connection, maybe it's not apparent from your posts but it looks like you need to work on your marriage before you raise family issues as a concern.

If this is the way your mother feels, then talk to your mom about giving it time. If you can manage to keep everyone's respect for one another, you will have more peace of mind and people will be more willing to keep an open mind. If one person is constantly being made to be the bad guy, well then you'll have a pretty stressful home life. You know how to make your mother happy already, you know her, learn more about your wife and earn her trust. If she trusts you, and you her, you will automatically make things work. It's called marriage.

40

Re: Behaviour of the Wife

Um.....mayhaps I am wrong, but I think what the OP means by his wife not giving his mother a "title" is that she doesn't refer to his mom as aunti/ammi. And if this happens often, I do think it's strange and that it comes off as rude.

If we imagine ourselves talking to our parents often without addressing the relation such as ammi/Abu/mama/papa.....it doesn't feel right. Also, often times......when we are mad at someone, we may talk to that person without using their name or title of relation. I admit that I am guilty of having done that. I also think that I may have done that with my mom at one point and I was chided for not saying a title. ****Now....I am not saying that the OP's wife harbors I'll feelings toward his mother.....but, when I read his title complaint I didn't think he was referring to some grand or lofty address such Milady, Your Excellency, our Huzoor. Our words and actions form either a positive or negative impression on others and I personally believe that saying "Ammi/aunti..aap ko khana la doon or whatever .....sounds better than "aap khao ge." It's basic tameez but maybe the wife just lacks awareness of language dynamics and does not mean to be rude.

As for waking up late....i admit I've gotten scolded by my mom for that....the whole this won't fly if you live with your in-laws lecture. Now I can understand the point that if there's not much to do around the home, then she should be able to come downstairs at a later time. However here's another angle to look at the situation from: Maybe the MIL would like some female company from her DIL...someone else to interact with besides her son. Just another perspective to consider.