Behaviour of the Wife

[Paheli00]

Re: Behaviour of the Wife

^ The entire post you quoted....INCLUDING the "bits in RED" were written by Najeeb on post # 204. All those statements were made the Najeeb's wife. They were quoted by me and I highlighted certain parts in red to emphasize what was said. But none of what YOU quoted were advice given to Najeeb by me or anyone else here.

Thus, Reha's question is still un-answered.

[Twinklestar]

@najeeb786

It is something I am considering and I need to have more discussions with her as her behaviour is disgusting at best.

Regarding money etc she hardly spends anything and doesn't actually expect much in terms of gifts etc in return.

Never really wanted a fancy wedding and was quite happy with a simple nikaah, like me. Families obviously wanted otherwise.

[quote="garamasala, post:89, topic:272868"]

Your wife's behavior is similar to my SIL's. I would urge you to think carefully about what kind of mother she will be and how that will effect your children. My brother's children are spoiled, ill-mannered and have no respect for their elders. More importantly, they have no connection with or respect for my parents. While brother and family lived with my parents, my SIL kept them in her room and maintained a distance from my parents so that the kids never bonded with them. Both of my parents have significant health issues but SIL never cared for them in any way. She barely cooked or cleaned for her husband and her children. My brother travelled often for work. My SIL would go to her parent's house as soon as my brother left town. They no longer live with my parents. My SIL never calls my parents, rarely returns my mother's calls and never has her children call. We will see her in the background as we Skype but she won't even say salaam.

In an ideal world your wife should be your aid in fulfilling your responsibility to your mother and vice versa. Ideally, an appreciation and affection for your mother would come naturally out of her love for you. Sometime that doesn't happen. In that case, many of us go to great lengths to FAKE it because we believe in taking care of and respecting our elders and in creating family harmony. I would be apprehensive if your wife doesn't share these basic values with you.

In my brother's situation, SIL was confronted by brother multiple times. It led to minor changes in the short term and to more distance and resentment in the long run. Family pressure from both sides prevented divorce, although my brother wanted to on multiple occassions.

[/QUOTE]

If you married her for sake of Allah then please do exhaust all options.did you two date while she was in hijab? Please work on your marriage and exhaust all options before making any sort of desicions. Stand your ground! May she needs to see how far she can push you before realizing that se mus change. First few years of marriage is like that. Like other posters please HOLD OFF ON STARTING A FAMILY. Once you do have kids it is ny as easy to break off relationship. Pray and ask Allah for help. Can you both read Quran and tafseer together? Does she go to darse?

[Sara516]

Re: Behaviour of the Wife

@garamasala

Your wife’s behavior is similar to my SIL’s. I would urge you to think carefully about what kind of mother she will be and how that will effect your children. My brother’s children are spoiled, ill-mannered and have no respect for their elders. More importantly, they have no connection with or respect for my parents. While brother and family lived with my parents, my SIL kept them in her room and maintained a distance from my parents so that the kids never bonded with them. Both of my parents have significant health issues but SIL never cared for them in any way. She barely cooked or cleaned for her husband and her children. My brother travelled often for work. My SIL would go to her parent’s house as soon as my brother left town. They no longer live with my parents. My SIL never calls my parents, rarely returns my mother’s calls and never has her children call. We will see her in the background as we Skype but she won’t even say salaam.

In an ideal world your wife should be your aid in fulfilling your responsibility to your mother and vice versa. Ideally, an appreciation and affection for your mother would come naturally out of her love for you. Sometime that doesn’t happen. In that case, many of us go to great lengths to FAKE it because we believe in taking care of and respecting our elders and in creating family harmony. I would be apprehensive if your wife doesn’t share these basic values with you.

In my brother’s situation, SIL was confronted by brother multiple times. It led to minor changes in the short term and to more distance and resentment in the long run. Family pressure from both sides prevented divorce, although my brother wanted to on multiple occassions.

@ninjamummy

Boy oh boy! Not to be OT here and completely hijack your thread.
Najeeb as mentioned by the above quote, everyone knows somebody who has similar issues/problems. I know a somebody like that , it happens to be my ‘bhabi’, my younger brothers wife. They have been married 6 years or so, and what an emotional roller coaster nightmare it has been.

I am the oldest , my bro told me how he had met someone at work ,and she was might be the one. Anyways, he sent me a pic (yes, a pic does not tell you how a person is ) but i did not like what I saw. I and my brother are/were very, very close.. I felt this was not the person for him.

We are a huge family, Punjabi, very much into families, hulla gulla. She came from a family quite the opposite, all smiles on the outside but something else on the inside. Istikarah was done, by my bro, my Mom, it came out ..not too good.

My brother told her that he could not commit to anything and that was it. I am no too sure what happened after that, but she pursued him with a passion, and it was back on. No one from our family ever interfered in my brothers matter.

In the end he decided he wanted to marry her. Now, my bhabi comes from a struggling family, on the outside seems well to do, but the checking we did indicated otherwise.. we are a comfortable family. Everything accomplished in life was given through the blessings of Allah. My bhabhi to be had a sister who was married to a millionaire, my brother was not too far off from that status.

AH, they live in the Mid East, my bro has a fabulous job there, he is living the life of a king. He was the younger bro, he was the most funniest , loving, generous human being one could come across. Extremely good looking 6ft plus, half of us have blue eyes, very fair colouring, the remainder have green eyes. All elders in the family, all cousins gravitate towards him and my other bros.

Since I am in the US, my bro would call me and say ‘this happened’, "I’ve already committed to the upcoming marriage’, “i cannot back out”. The day before the nikah, he told me “I wish I could back out, it is too late”. Just last week he called and said to me “Don’t say anything , I should’ve listened to Ami, I made my decision, I amde my bed and have to sleep in it, Cannot divorce will not do that to my child”. BTW, my bro is a fantastic husband and a truly wonderful father. It is is son that keeps him going.

It has been 6+ years of marriage now, they have one child. My sis in law behaves as if she is the only person in entire mankind to have given birth to a child. The fact that we love our nephew dearly, is because of our relationship with my brother, not because of my SIL.

Najeeb don’t fret, my SIL never makes breakfast for her husband, she is a SAHM. My brother takes his son to school, he bathes him, disciplines him, feeds him, takes him out, after working like a dog all day long as a VP for a huge global company in the Mid East. When my brother comes home from work she will go to bed, he will be lucky if there is a plate of food for him. He usually stops at a burger place to get some food.

They are a gorgeous couple, having intimate relations and not having anything else to go on, is not much of a marriage. From the day she said “Jee, nikah kabool hai”, she has never made an effort to get to know my brothers family or have respect fro my Mom.. So my brother does the same back, he neither meets her family, and seldom speaks to his in laws. Their entire marriage is tit for tat.. What I am writing here, is what we have witnessed, all the while keeping our mouths shut. If we wanted to interfere , we would have.

What a pretentious wedding it was too. My SIL wanted a small, intimate elegant affair. Initially only My Mom and siblings were invited..(can you believe that). Our children were not invited to their own Mamus wedding. My brother who was the ultimate Mamu, (he has now lost that status) My Mom had a few words with my brother and that is when she told hm 'this should be a wake up call for you, are you doing the right thing". Brother had a few words with his wife to be, and our children and our own relatives (Nanyaal. Dadyaal ) were then invited..

The emails sent back and forth, her demanding this gold kara, that jewellery set…that to me speaks of a gold digger. My brother knew all of this as the emails were sent to him as well as another sister who was shopping in Pakistan for the wedding. The language in the emails was really disturbing and vulgar.

We have all carried on without him/her in our lives since he lives in the Mid East, I am in the US, the remainder in the UK. When we get together it is depressing being around my brother and his wife. He calls me quite regularly, and every now and then will say “'Don’t let her know I call you”. He sent gifts to my children upon graduations etc, and then also said “Don’t let her know”. Because she is my SIL, I will call he just now and then, email her now and then. She will almost always ask me 'Have you spoken with your brother lately? ’ Something along those lines. My answer is “No”, a few times i have said ‘yes’ and she freaks out.

Before I get beat up on this forum for blaming my SIL, I say the blame also lies in my brother. It takes 2 individuals to make a marriage work. They both do a lot of tit for tat as mentioned before.

I could go on and on..

Man, why do all these good looking rich guys go to the icky girls. :hinna:

[Twinklestar]

Behaviour of the Wife

^^its because of kismat. If the guy has bad kismat then his life stinks ! But as another poster said it takes two to tango. You need to let your spouse know from day 1 that there certain limits YOU DON'T CROSS. This reminds of the case where groom in UK divorced his wife on the day of his Valima when she called his mum a ***** for dropping a piece of cake. Honestly is this the type of woman you want to mother and raise your children? forget about growing old with such a person.

Najeeb what kind of relationship do her parents have with each other ? What kind of marriage do her siblings have? How a person family is can give you a strong inkling on what kind of partner they will be. Again there always exceptions to the rule. Sometimes the mom is an angel but the daughter is a devil. They say you should always look at the mother of the bride to determine how she probably will be. And the father for the groom . Again there are exceptions so it is luck of the draw sometimes.

[najeeb786]

Re: Behaviour of the Wife

We met each other a few times before marriage, mainly because i have a tenacity not to trust women and what they say and rather see the actions which they perform to prove their intentions. This was because I came across a few women who were just looking to mess about and chat etc

We are definitely not starting a family until at least another year and that is if everything goes well.

We do read salah together, the Quran we do not at the moment but we will be doing soon. We are also interested in taking an islamic course but we are awaiting a response as to when it is due to begin.

The problem is I listen to speeches and stories about Islam and the famous prophets and learn from them whereas her behaviour isn't in line with what she listens to at all.

@Twinklestar

If you married her for sake of Allah then please do exhaust all options.did you two date while she was in hijab? Please work on your marriage and exhaust all options before making any sort of desicions. Stand your ground! May she needs to see how far she can push you before realizing that se mus change. First few years of marriage is like that. Like other posters please HOLD OFF ON STARTING A FAMILY. Once you do have kids it is ny as easy to break off relationship. Pray and ask Allah for help. Can you both read Quran and tafseer together? Does she go to darse?

[Muzna]

Re: Behaviour of the Wife

The problem is I listen to speeches and stories about Islam and the famous prophets and learn from them whereas her behaviour isn't in line with what she listens to at all.

This is precisely what I wanted to point out.......
Praying, reciting or studying together does nothing if her heart is not in it.

There are plenty of examples of women that practice "hijab" and still do not follow the tenets of Islam....and there are examples of women that don't wear scarves or abayas and would appear to be much better mominas.

[Muzna]

Re: Behaviour of the Wife

^ The entire post you quoted....INCLUDING the "bits in RED" were written by Najeeb on post # 204. All those statements were made the Najeeb's wife. They were quoted by me and I highlighted certain parts in red to emphasize what was said. But none of what YOU quoted were advice given to Najeeb by me or anyone else here.

Thus, Reha's question is still un-answered.

Well said Paheli.
We're waiting PM.

[Reha]

Re: Behaviour of the Wife

The bits in red.

pakistanimard...please change your nick to something else. The real pakistani men are beginning to get offended.

[najeeb786]

Re: Behaviour of the Wife

So the Mrs went home for a couple of days to help her mum shopping for the trip abroad.

After the conversation we had earlier she has not asked about whether she can still go, must have realised it was not going to happen. She may bring the topic back up but its too late to go now. I was going to ask whether she still wants to go for a week with me as I stated she cannot go alone, do not know whether to ask her this as to be honest I wouldn't really want to go anywhere near Pakistan right now.

I think I will speak to her again on the weekend and tell her to decide whether she wants to move (local) and whether she understands it is a two way street and if she wants people to try with her then she needs to pull her socks up first.

[Muzna]

Re: Behaviour of the Wife

@najeeb786

So the Mrs went home for a couple of days to help her mum shopping for the trip abroad.

After the conversation we had earlier she has not asked about whether she can still go, must have realised it was not going to happen. She may bring the topic back up but its too late to go now. I was going to ask whether she still wants to go for a week with me as I stated she cannot go alone, do not know whether to ask her this as to be honest I wouldn't really want to go anywhere near Pakistan right now.

I think I will speak to her again on the weekend and tell her to decide whether she wants to move (local) and whether she understands it is a two way street and if she wants people to try with her then she needs to pull her socks up first.

you seem to have a pretty laissez-faire attitude about communication.
there are countless assumptions about what she "might" be thinking or "realizing".
don't you think a more pro-active approach is required to make progress?

[Reha]

Re: Behaviour of the Wife

What are your everyday conversations like najeeb? Do you guys joke around or even watch TV together? Is it always this formal of a relationship? It sounds so uncomfortable and this is supposed to be her home, isn't it?

I agree with Muzna...you guys need to communicate MUCH more.

Even if she's upset about something, its better to let her get it out versus not. All it does is build resentment which eventually takes on another form entirely.

[Twinklestar]

Behaviour of the Wife

From what I read from posts you definitely seem like you want to make your wife happy. But I must say you are part of the problem ESP if you offer to go to Pakistan for a week. How will that help this matter. It's not like you are going to attend the wedding for some close family member or visiting somebody who is ill. A week for property matters will do nothing in Pakistan . I definitely think you have given strong indication to your wife that there are no strong negative consequences to her ill behavior. you will continue to nice to her Bc that is your nature.

[Umer]

Re: Behaviour of the Wife

@Reha

What are your everyday conversations like najeeb? Do you guys joke around or even watch TV together? Is it always this formal of a relationship? It sounds so uncomfortable and this is supposed to be her home, isn't it?

It does sound very formal. And even if this was an arranged marriage, after 8 months it shouldn't be that formal.

[najeeb786]

Re: Behaviour of the Wife

Muzna a pro-active approach is definitely needed and you are correct, regarding those topics especially and everyday stuff as well. Better to bring it up then let it boil.

I AM going to speak to her but because she has gone home for a few days to aid her mum before she travels abroad i don’t really want to talk about the topics listed until she is back.

I do ring her and chat about whether everything is ok and the preparations done and everyday things but not these topics until we are face to face.

We joke around a lot and normally i get back from work around 6-7 and she is either sat in the living room or in the kitchen and we will end up having a giggle about something and a hug/kiss whens he stops running away from me in the kitchen as she thinks we will be spotted by mum. I will tend to hang around the kitchen/living room chatting away and helping out until i realise i need to read Isha namaaz so i will read naamaz straight away unless she is able to read then i will wait for her and then after having read we will sit down together with mum and watch the telly and have a natter. Depending on the time mum will want to watch a drama and we will watch that but i wont be interested as i cant be bothered with asian dramas but ill watch with the ladies.

Simple things like shopping together or going to watch the movies we will typically be hand in hand chatting away or at least joking around.

I think it comes across as formal but it isn’t

Regarding Pakistan I want to basically ask her whether she still wants to go during my holidays with me and if not then we can go somewhere else together as I really want to make use of these holidays and do something or at least plan things to do everyday.

But at the same time I have a problem whereby my siblings have noticed through her body language and attitude that it feels as though she doesn’t want to be there and have said what I want to do as it cannot go on like this whereby she does not like anybody visiting mum or has a frown on.

@Reha

What are your everyday conversations like najeeb? Do you guys joke around or even watch TV together? Is it always this formal of a relationship? It sounds so uncomfortable and this is supposed to be her home, isn’t it?

I agree with Muzna…you guys need to communicate MUCH more.

Even if she’s upset about something, its better to let her get it out versus not. All it does is build resentment which eventually takes on another form entirely.

[najeeb786]

Re: Behaviour of the Wife

I don't know I just thought I should ask her whether she would want to go? I know i need to be firm in some matters but sometimes i dont even know. Her mum is not going for a case etc. She already has a house and is going for 2-3 months to build an extension to it and nothing else.

I do want to have another chat to her about her attitude to living where we do and how it affects my mum and our relationship with each other.

Regarding Pakistan I have told her she cannot travel alone.

@Twinklestar

From what I read from posts you definitely seem like you want to make your wife happy. But I must say you are part of the problem ESP if you offer to go to Pakistan for a week. How will that help this matter. It's not like you are going to attend the wedding for some close family member or visiting somebody who is ill. A week for property matters will do nothing in Pakistan . I definitely think you have given strong indication to your wife that there are no strong negative consequences to her ill behavior. you will continue to nice to her Bc that is your nature.

[Paheli00]

Re: Behaviour of the Wife

@najeeb786

Regarding Pakistan I want to basically ask her whether she still wants to go during my holidays with me and** if not then we can go somewhere else together **as I really want to make use of these holidays and do something or at least plan things to do everyday.

In my opinion, you should not given her an option to ignore your marital problems by asking if she wants to go to Pakistan. There is no way you two will work on your marriage while in Pakistan surrounded by her whole family.

I do think you two need alone time to have some deep conversations. Make plans to go somewhere else for just the two of you. That way, both of you are away from her family and yours....and can actually put 100% of your focus on each other and the marriage.

[najeeb786]

Re: Behaviour of the Wife

I have not yet giver her the option. Since the last conversation she knows she is not going to Pakistan. My mum even mentioned my holidays and to us two to go somewhere as we haven't been anywhere for a while.

I have over twoo weeks in total so InshaAllah we will be able to spend most of time time together.

@Paheli00

In my opinion, you should not given her an option to ignore your marital problems by asking if she wants to go to Pakistan. There is no way you two will work on your marriage while in Pakistan surrounded by her whole family.

I do think you two need alone time to have some deep conversations. Make plans to go somewhere else for just the two of you. That way, both of you are away from her family and yours....and can actually put 100% of your focus on each other and the marriage.

[queer]

Re: Behaviour of the Wife

ok at some point you have to stop letting a bunch of forumwalay running your life. you have no serious issues, just work it out with the wife like two grown ups. stop updating us!!!!

[paki_rana]

Re: Behaviour of the Wife

Ok me and the wife finally got to have our discussion.

I went to pick her up and when it was time to leave her mother stated tat she was due to go to Pakistan in the next few days and the flight had been booked.She said she was going primarily to carry out an extension to an existing property and she decided it would be best to carry that out now. She said that she will be going for two months and that she asked my wife to come along as there is nobody else due to work commitments (nobody wants to go)and she said that she hasn't got permission to go. I stated that I have never stopped her from doing anything since marriage but this time she cannot go at this particular time due to it being an inappropriate time as we have some issues. She then asked what issues we had and I replied that there were marriage related.

Suffice to say we left and came home. The Mrs didnt talk to me and pretty much stayed upstairs for a full 24 hours, during this period I made her breakfast but she didnt have any. Anyway she then text me that due to us not talking she will go back to her mums. I then essentially went upstairs and had a chat with her.

The things she complained about:

• Your mum orders me to come downstairs and sometimes to do other things around the house and I do not like it. When i stated that your own mum does the same she said

but she does it with compassion. I have heard my mum tell her to do things which is very rare for her to ask but she asks exactly as she does with everyone else, if anything she is more polite

• I asked why when she goes back to her mums I always ring every couple of days regardless of where my wife is but why does she not ring. That my mum always asks me

why she has not rang and especially when my mum was seriously ill and kept saying she will die but my wife still decided she wanted to go home. She stated that 'I do not have that relationship with your mum and why should i bother with formalities'

• She stated that I should not be sitting with my sis in law and chatting away and having a laugh without my brother present as it is wrong. I said fine but my nephew who is at that mehram age was there. She then stated how can you have such a relationship with your sis in law. I replied that she is like my sister but I do know the limits.

• She stated that why do people ask me for help e.g. painting. I stated that family is family and so are friends and when they ask you determine whether you can help and you go and assist. She replied but they have their own partners and you shouldn't need to help anyone.

• Stated that my family has not done anything for hers. She said that she has come along with me to my siblings houses and they have not done the same. I stated that WE have been to my siblings houses and WE have been to your siblings houses so it is the same thing but NO she wants my siblings to go to her parents home etc which even they havent done and neither have hers.

• She then stated that she feels as though people talk about her but that nobody has ever said anything wrong to her but nobody bothers about her family. I stated that whenever my family see you they always ask about your family but that is not enough she said

• She then said that she hates people coming around to the house to help with mum. When I asked that what would you have me do i got quietness

• She stated that I am like martyr who likes to help my family and I shouldn't do as i have my own life. I asked her whether she helped her friends and picked soemthing up from the shop but she said that I shouldn't even do that?

• I asked her regarding her expectations of marriage and she said that she came here and wants her own routine and not to follow a pre-existing one. What should she wake up at 10:30am to sit next to mum and do a bit of the brushing when its the same as waking up at 12pm or 1pm. That she is not a wife from Pakistan and if that is what I wanted then I should have gone back home. She stated that she will do what she wants to do and it is upto her. She isnt a SAHW. I stated that she is as she doesnt want to work, gym or voluntary

• I asked about making her husband breakfast and she said Islamically I do not have to do anything and I do enough, which she didn't get into. But she will make breakfast for me on my working from home day. The other days she can try but not promising anything.

• She then stated that she will always go home a week a month and whenever she wants as it is her family and she has a responsibility to visit and when she needs a break she will just go

• She stated that we never spend time together except for the bedroom and whn we go out. I mentioned i come back from work and spend the whole evening with you but she replied that your mum is here

• She then said I do not understand her. She sees all problems with peoples behaviours but i seem passive and oblivious and don't notice anything. I said i don't knit pick and i have been blessed with a great family by Allah. A family that never argues and hasn't for years, a family that goes out their way to help others all the time but she said that i don't want to understand what she is going through. I told her to be specific and give examples but nothing, just that my sis in law keeps staring at her but has never said anything wrong. She then said that she does not lke talking to that sister in law but why when we are sat together she always ends up having a conversation with me and not her. I stated its probably because you look 'closed' as though you are not interested but that was not enough

At this point more points where mentioned and I stated that we will rent a house and leave here but she didnt want that. She said that firstly whats the point to which i replied that I will be near my mum and fulfil my obligation but then she changed her mind and said we cannot leave as people will know that i made you leave your mum. I said I as your husband do not care what people say but lets move. She said 'no, i will cope'. I sid to her i have no sukoon in my life as you are continuously telling me you hate it here, hate formalities and going to peoples house and inviting them and how you hate certain individuals because you do not think they talk to you enough. She then stopped talking to me so i gave up.

Regarding Pakistan I told her that her mum is going for two months and that Islamically I cannot let you go alone and with these massive issues that still arent resolved there is no point.She went off on one stating that I do not care about anyone from her side etc. I said I have a weeks holiday this month and we can go. I can fulfil my obligation towards you and you towards your mum but quite and then 'can we forget islam for a moment and think about my mum and compassion, that she needs me'. This was said from a woman wearing hijaab and who reads her namaaz mostly.

Today she woke up, made me breakfast and then said 'this is your incompetent wife making you breakfast'. Since then she has done everything around the house today.I think she will ask the abroad question again.

I am shocked at her replied I just couldnt believe that a perason would have so much hatred and no compassion for anyone. That it feels as thoug I shouldnt get along with anyone and to not help them. I was seriously shocked at her responses.

Her family definitely do not know about the content of the issues, just that we have issues.

i love horse riding but i never had a chance to do this until last week when my brother asked his friend to bring his horse to my house. he helped me jump on the horse . iwas so excited this excitement was over soon as horse moved and i was jumping on horse like a fiddle.horse was jumping without anyreason there was a point when i felt i will be on ground in next jump :( anyway i manged to stop the horse but i was so ashamed of being unable to ride it back to his owner.

this week i asked him that i want to ride it again this time i jumped on the horse with confidence and let the horse move .horse was acting the same but i pulled the strip enough that he had to calm down he jumped but as much as i wanted. i enoyed .

i am not saying treat your wife like a horse but you to act like you know how to RIDE .

[annie_bibi]

Re: Behaviour of the Wife

I'd have 12 pages too if i'd start discussing my everyday routine,hehe

Your problem is that you have no problem basically...the more you're thinking and discussing it in detail here...the more twisted it is becoming..it was a simple problem on page 1 :/
It has evolved much by page 12.

Jokes apart,Dear Najeeb brother,the amount of input you give in about all the details!phew

Do you type these long stories when she's around?gulp
i wonder what she thinks when you do so...'my husband...types and types and types.......when will he ever put his face up and look at me?'
hehe

I just pray that your mrs becomes a good mrs soon Insha a Allah!!