Re: Background Checks
^^ Very true!!
Plus, not everybody has a Public Profile to make it open for stalking…the most one can see is the Gender and the Profile Picture 
Re: Background Checks
fb can only get you so far, as a means of judging one's personality, it is overrated
at some point during the marriage process you simply have to take a leap of faith. How soon you want to do that varies from person to person.
as far as skeletons in the closet go, usually if you look for something hard enough you will find it........no one is perfect. In fact, the image of total perfection should probly set off more alarm bells simply because it cannot be true.
Re: Background Checks
Okay I know LOTS of people lie about who and what they are.
However, if you have family that knows his family in Pakistan...that can be a starting point. You can ask for references - other families that will vouch for his character and tell you a bit about him.
Overall inspiron, try not to be suspicious if there is no reason to be. You dont want to miss a good opportunity. If his references check out, he shows your parents ample proof of who and what he is...thats enough for me.
Re: Background Checks
Lols.
Inspiron, have someone in Pak do a check on them and the guy. If Pakistan is the place they have lived most of their life, it would be easier to trace them out.
Re: Background Checks
Okay I know LOTS of people lie about who and what they are.
However, if you have family that knows his family in Pakistan...that can be a starting point. You can ask for references - other families that will vouch for his character and tell you a bit about him.
Overall inspiron, try not to be suspicious if there is no reason to be. You dont want to miss a good opportunity. If his references check out, he shows your parents ample proof of who and what he is...thats enough for me.
I agree with this but what do you when the guy lives away from his family? there's plenty of guys from good, sharif families that live away from home and engage in very shady stuff...if it's arranged you have no way of contacting his friends because you barely know the guy let alone his friends.
Re: Background Checks
Inspiron, since your khala referred this proposal, you can ask your khala to visit the guy's neighbourhood in Karachi. People do ask about the family and guy from neighbours. Once a family visited us to ask about one of our neighbours where they were planning to do the rishta and my mom did told them that they are a shareef family.
Once the rishta proceeds, your dad can ask the guy about complete details, his current and previous jobs and his friends references. Your dad can do investigation through this information and ask around to know the personality and character of the guy. My nana did investigation of my dad and he sent someone to meet people at my dad's office to know about his character etc. Guys side usually are very open to such things and invite the girls side by saying 'ap ko jo bhi pata kerwana hai kerwa lein.. ap log apni tasalli kerwa lein etc etc'.
But all this can happen once they formally propose and the guy provides you complete biodata. You can then go on checking the info he provides to you. If 6 out of 10 things are confirmed, you can be pretty sure that he provided you all the right info.
Last but not the least, do istikhara and pray to Allah Swt that he chooses the best for you :)
Re: Background Checks
how much 'background' check are you willing to go through yourself btw???
Re: Background Checks
how much 'background' check are you willing to go through yourself btw???
Nomi, why do you always start gender war? Everyone knows that guys have to go through a lot of investigation for marriage as compared to girls. People usually don't investigate girls and knowing girls' families is more than enough for them (I am not talking about the West since girls there might be considered as more liberal with many having bf etc). Since the guys live separately than their families and even if they live with their families, they do tend to engage in a whole lot of suspicious activities so they should go through more investigation.
Re: Background Checks
Did i say anything about gender??
All i said was…if you (a guy or a girl) want to investigate thouroughly someone else (boy/girl)…are you willing to do it yourself too???
Now this sounds like start of a gender war…
on what basis are you saying that a ‘girl’ should not be investigated…did you autmatically assume that a random girl is less likely to be involved in ‘suspicious’ activities compared to a random guy??
What you are basically proposing is…All girls are shareef/masoom/doodh ki dhuli hui and perfect …which autmatically entitles them for immunity from the investigation…and most guys are likely to be corrupt…so they should be ready to be investigated (but shouldn’t investigate the girl in question)…???
Re: Background Checks
Istekhara and PI would do.
Re: Background Checks
Peace inspiron
There is absolutely no need to check on them ... if you feel the need to spy on them then you are trying to make excuses for yourself to avoid the rishta ... There is something in the back of your mind preventing you from "trust" ...
If you are getting kicks out of doing it then it says more about you than them ...
Ask them direct questions ones that they can provide evidence for ... Your khala knew his mother, but your explanation did not include how his mother knew you existed ... There must have been a place where she saw you ... ask your khala how much she knows about them. Is he a UK citizen? By the way you described it ... it sounds as though he might not be ... is he legal?
Surely these things are more important to sort out first before doing any further research on them ... I would be concerned of the motives of the mother of the boy to get him married to you purely based on a conversation with your khala ... his siblings are all over the place ... what are they doing in each of those countries ... To have gone their separate ways - can show that they have been raised to be independent, but it may be too independent such that they are selfish ... In hard times do you want a husband who is selfish?
The reason why you are even asking about background checks is because you are not satisfied with this rishta - it's your gut feeling surfacing through.
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I am not saying girls are shareef or masoom. But girls have higher stakes in marriage so they need to investigate guys more. A divorced guy can get married easily as compared to divorced girls. Besides, larkion ko rukhsat ho ker husband k ghar jana hota hai, larkey ko nahi ana hota larki k ghar. Girls investigation is usually kept limited to their families whereas guys investigations are done thoroughly asking their friends, colleagues etc about their character, personality, habits etc. Its not that I am me against the thorough investigation of girls. But I guess its the normal practice to investigate the guys more.
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... his siblings are all over the place ... what are they doing in each of those countries ... To have gone their separate ways - can show that they have been raised to be independent, but it may be too independent such that they are selfish ... In hard times do you want a husband who is selfish?
about siblings, its far fetched ....
and about husband... he will be selfish if he is away from his parents?? am i missing something....?
NomiCA.... the cultrual norm isLarki dayni hoti hai, Larka Layna Nahi hota ....
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about siblings, its far fetched .... and about husband... he will be selfish if he is away from his parents?? am i missing something....?
NomiCA.... the cultrual norm isLarki dayni hoti hai, Larka Layna Nahi hota ....
Peace yourfriend
Yes you are missing the word "can" and have replaced it with the word "will" ... My point in writing those things is so they can be cleared up by direct questioning.
Re: Background Checks
For me.... background checking to some extent is OK.. but i never entertain the idea of becoming 007 to find out more about the guy seriously. What could we find out .... if someone wants to hide something they will.. and app ko pata bhi nahin ker paoo gi.... people are rally good in hiding things if they really want to.
You should ask direct questions to him and his family about anything. Investigate about him through his family, friends and colleagues. I thinks its enough.
I don't like the idea of FB and twitter and other social websites.... if he has privacy settings then you can only see his profile pic and gender and may be friends list.. is sey puri personality ka tu pata nahin chaly ga na.
My family didn't become a 007 in my both sisters marriages. We only did usual back ground checking and said yes and Alhamdulillah my both sisters are happily married.
And above all do Istekhara if you have any doubts in your mind.... InshaAllah everything will be fine.
Best of luck
Re: Background Checks
Peace inspiron
There is absolutely no need to check on them ... if you feel the need to spy on them then you are trying to make excuses for yourself to avoid the rishta ... There is something in the back of your mind preventing you from "trust" ...
If you are getting kicks out of doing it then it says more about you than them ...
Ask them direct questions ones that they can provide evidence for ... Your khala knew his mother, but your explanation did not include how his mother knew you existed ... There must have been a place where she saw you ... ask your khala how much she knows about them. Is he a UK citizen? By the way you described it ... it sounds as though he might not be ... is he legal?
Surely these things are more important to sort out first before doing any further research on them ... I would be concerned of the motives of the mother of the boy to get him married to you purely based on a conversation with your khala ... his siblings are all over the place ... what are they doing in each of those countries ... To have gone their separate ways - can show that they have been raised to be independent, but it may be too independent such that they are selfish ... In hard times do you want a husband who is selfish?
The reason why you are even asking about background checks is because you are not satisfied with this rishta - it's your gut feeling surfacing through.
Hey Psyah
I dont want to 'spy' on him but after reading sooo many stories on hear like i said i would rather be safe than sorry. And no I dont get a kick out of it either.
I just dont want to go into anything blindly although eventually as someone said earlier I will have to take a leap of faith.
His mother knew about me because my Khala told her about me said my parents were looking for rishta and me and this ladies son seemed a good match hence she passed the my parents phone number onto this lady after some enquiring.
Yes he is legal he is a permanent resident and has a brilliant job here. Like i said before my parents have met the family 4 times and talked to them on phone lots so I dont have to sit and worry about things like that my dad will make sure all these major things are sorted.
His mother agreed to me after meeting me twice for very very long meetings and now me and the boy have been given blessing to get to know eachother this isnt a baat pakki or anything but its going that way.
Just like your wife moved away from her family to england his sister got married in america. The 2 brothers moved due to career- i thing the sibling thing is a little far fetched.
anyway you are right that I am unsure about this rishta hence im trying find a reason to say no. Because its scary, this whole thing is scary its a big deal making a decision to marry someone!
Re: Background Checks
^ Peace Inspiron
It's good to hear all these things ... My last comment is to do what my wife did ....
Allah (SWT) pe chordo ... If your'e standing on the edge of the deep end in a swimming pool ... you just have to say Bismillah and leap in ... both feet first.
Of course in a swimming pool that is called bomb diving and you might be told to leave the pool, but you get my drift.
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I didn't have to do the background checks because of marrying my cousin, I obviously knew him and his family, so I think my example is irrelevant here.
Re: Background Checks
^ Peace Inspiron
It's good to hear all these things ... My last comment is to do what my wife did ....
Allah (SWT) pe chordo ... If your'e standing on the edge of the deep end in a swimming pool ... you just have to say Bismillah and leap in ... both feet first.
Of course in a swimming pool that is called bomb diving and you might be told to leave the pool, but you get my drift.
If you are sane you have to know swimming before you leap in.
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Peace yourfriend
Yes you are missing the word "can" and have replaced it with the word "will" ... My point in writing those things is so they can be cleared up by direct questioning.
this still doesnt make any sense....
.....rahi baat can or will ki tou waqt aur halaat batatain hain kay koun kitnay paani main hai ....
and no sane person will ask (and/or answer) these types of questions about you being selfish or your siblings are and why or why not they away or watever in total arrange marriage settings. .....seriously shaadi kernay ja rahay ho kay choor pakarnay?
...like you yourself said above *dont try to find the reason/faults .. *..