At my breaking point, I hate my mother.

Lifestyle Relationships
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I’m going through a difficult phase in life and need your help.
All my life, I have spent day after day resenting my mother. She was never there for me when I was a kid, she chose her career and social life over me while I was left at the mercy of servants and her family to take care of me. I felt she was never mature or ready to start a family and I happened to her without her being ready for it. From being totally distanced and annoyed with her as a kid, she and I started to hate each other especially in my teen years. She created friction between my father and I, *****ed about me to other people, and always made me to be this horrible person infrong of others. Once I hit my late teens, she started threatening me to get married or leave her house. I spent majority of my life in depression which grew deeper as I saw other people with normal relationships with their mothers. I always wondered why I couldn’t bring myself to wish her on Mother’s Day or felt the need to even sit next to her.. because our bond never existed. Because of her and her constant rumblings to others, I became alone and started to stay away from people. My early twenties were all spent in my room with a laptop and my books. She refused to pay for my school so since the age of 15, I have worked to give myself a better life. Finally I met my husband who brought somewhat normalcy into my life and helped me become somewhat more cordial towards my mother. After my wedding, things became slightly bearable between my mother and I.
Last Ramadan, I planned my first umrah trip with my husband to celebrate his 30th birthday. Upon hearing about this, my mother self invited herself saying she wanted to gk too. I politely told her no AF which she started throwing tantrums and crying about how I’m a horrible daughter etc. fearing my umrah will not be accepted if I hurt her, I told her fine she can go. But of course that wasn’t all. I then also had to extend an invitation to my inlaws because I knew they would get offended hearing I was taking her but not them. Before I knew it, this trip had become massive with us, my mother and 4 people going from my husbands family. They all refused to pay for a second room so we had no choice but to get one big room for everyone. The umrah was torture. I was bitter and annoyed and ESP at my mother for creating this whole mess to begin with. In addition to the claustrophobic environment, my mother would constantly complain about everything. From tickets to hotel to food and not to me but in front of all my inlaws. No matter where we ate she hated the food. No matter where we went it was always some whining or the other. It became increasingly unbearable and embarrassing to hear her grumble. I told her a few times to stop but it just went on. In addition, my mil and nands had their own ways of annoying me and I’m just surprised I survived the umrah without going mental. All this tension caused a rift between my husband and I who I took my anger out on to the point where we almost seperated.
On the last day in Saudi during lunch my mother started complaining about the flight that night and how my husband and I had done such a bad job of planning this trip. There I just had it and I told her she needed to stop complaining! She started throwing a for and crying how she made a mistake by coming with us, how I was a horrible daughter and her usual attacks towards me and all this right in front of my inlaws. Few hours later I went and said sorry to her and she shrugged me off by saying god had punished her with a daughter like me. She said this in front if my inlaws and my heart just broke. She could have said this to anyone but to say things like these to me in front of my inlaws, to me that was just the nail in the coffin. Which mother would ever want to insult and ruin her daughters image in front of her inlaws like that? After that day, I felt I was dead to her. I didn’t even find the energy in me to say anything to her after that, I just hated her and wanted to be away from her. Once we came back home, I quietly went to my house and she to hers. It’s been months since I have last seen or spoken to her. I have been battling severe depression since then. I had so many hopes pinned on my umrah thinking once I was there, I would have a week to myself to sort out my issues and find peace. What happened instead was something I never imagined.
After months and months of stress, I’m now tired and sick of if all. My marriage is suffering due to my unhappiness in life. My inlaws have taunted me over what my mother said. My relationship with God seems estranged as I feel he is putting me through more than i can handle. All I can think about is how my mother has just ruined it all for me. Lately Iwant nothing but to die and get rid of this stress in my life. I’m writing today because I feel I’m reaching my breaking point fast.

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Re: At my breaking point, I hate my mother.

My sympathize r with u safinaz,

I think your mom is moody and by creating such situation, she just want to get attention. What kind of attention, I can't precise exactly it could be may be she just wanna show to other that her own kidz don't care about her or how she have control over her kidz or how she try to be good to their kids but the kidz think always negative and always do bad to her. Again I'll say i'm not sure what is in her mind.

Beside that you had a lot of patience and I think that is God gifted blessing in you. After so many incidents, u bravely tolerated all. Try to keep yourself calm and always be quite or just give a smile whenever, wherever you mom whatever say to u. Just concentrate more towards your life, your hubby, hubby's family which is more important to you.

Ask your dad for help. I hope you dad will going to help you out in this situation.

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Re: At my breaking point, I hate my mother.

you need to let her go. simple. she seems to be the source of a lot of tension in your life and its ruining your relationship with others. Its not gonna be easy. But distance yourself from her. However keep her at arms length so that when she is in desperate need and ONLY in desperate need of your attention and support youre there for her. Other than that maintain minimal interaction with her until/unless she begins to act like a woman

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Re: At my breaking point, I hate my mother.

Peace Safinaz

It's been months since you last spoke to your mother ... Yet everything in your life is turning upside-down ... Marriage and all ... So if your mother really didn't matter to you ... You would be happy ... But instead you are upset ... THIS IS BECAUSE SHE DOES MATTER TO YOU ...

Yet all this time you have been eaten up from the inside, think about how your mother would be feeling ... Probably the same or worse ...

You say that your mother was not ready to have a family ... Then why hate her for that? Rather that should earn her more consideration ... You can say, I can tolerate my mother more than I ought to because she was not ready ... You know not mature enough ... etc, but instead her disability in being able to raise you properly is earning her your hatred instead of your leniency ... Look if I saw someone who found it hard to do something ... I would not give them a hard time about it ... I would only give a hard time to someone who was supposed to be good but didn't do it right ...

Look you obviously want to call her up ... And she will obviously be upset with you ... And SHE IS EVEN MORE UPSET WITH HERSELF, so no need to remind her ... Or give her a hard time ... She may blank you, not talk to you, or start off at you again ... You need to show that unlike her you have become a mature person ... By absorbing all that she can throw at you and say ... Yes mum ... You are right mum ... You say this once ... And she will cry and love you for it ... And inshaAllah your relationship will increase again ...

Your in-laws are less important than your mother ... Be less afraid of what they think and more concerned about what she thinks ... When she is happy with you your in-laws will see that and see that both of you have changed for the better ...

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Re: At my breaking point, I hate my mother.

:frowning: that’s heartbreaking.
:sara:

I fear you’ll get lots of nonsense about being a bad child or religious quotes shoved down your throat but…let’s face it, not everyone is meant to be a parent, and not every mother is loving or nurturing.

If you’re religious, fulfill your religious duties towards her–stay polite with her, don’t be rude. Stay silent no matter what she says to instigate or hurt you. Try to ignore her hurtful taunts as much as you can.

How’s your relationship with your husband? How’s it with the in laws? are you close to your father or anyone else? Does anyone else see how your mother treats you?

With the husband, if it’s otherwise good, you should try to channel that energy into your marriage. Work on that relationship because it seems like there’s much left to salvage…

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Re: At my breaking point, I hate my mother.

Yup. Let’s blame the child for their parents being crappy parents. :k:

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Re: At my breaking point, I hate my mother.

^where did he say that?

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Re: At my breaking point, I hate my mother.

i'm not married, so i know i'm not eligible to speak on this matter but i still will because i'm dheet like that and i can somewhat understand difficult relationships with mothers. i realise my opinion may be of the minority/disliked.

now it seems to me that you were in a certain mindset before you even went on umrah. you were in this mental place where you were annoyed and irritated by the fact your mother was coming and then people from your husbands side, and that just manifested throughout your umrah. and to be honest, i feel like you probably didn't fully benefit from the spiritual trip you took, nor did your mother or anyone else who kept nagging or bickering. you know from your teens and adulthood what your mother is like, you know the way she is with you so why didn't you just let it go over your head? or maybe kill her with kindness so to speak? there just seems to be a lot of drama that you're getting annoyed with rather than dealing with in a calm and reasonable manner.

ignoring the happenings on the umrah, i can understand why you feel the way you do, your mother is to be blamed also. i sympathise with the lack of nurturing you received from her as a child. it was good of you to take her on umrah. but when you know the nature of a person, especially your mother you have to try and work with what you have no matter how difficult it is, provided that you want that relationship to mend.. it's just the way things work as you grow up, even if your mum is immature and horrid. it's evident that it is still affecting you in the same way it always has. perhaps you need to direct your thoughts elsewhere and focus more on fixing your relationship with your husband, you don't want that to suffer either. concentrate on making amends in your current relationship and when you feel like you're in a more stable place then revisit your relationship with your mother. you're too emotional right now to deal with all of that at once.

hope things work out for you. :)

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Re: At my breaking point, I hate my mother.

Peace Sara516

I'm trying to give a practical solution ... Now her mother is not on the forum so I can't tell her what to do ... I can only advise the person who has come here ... Now she is clearly looking for a way out of her misery, but clearly by being away from her mother and parting on bad terms has not made her feel better.

It's made her worse ... No amount of cartoon hugs will take that feeling away she has to confront the issue not run away from it ... If you read what she said ... She has tried to run away from it ... But things are getting worse ... She said she is at her breaking point ... So I don't want that point to be broken ... If you don't either then please let me say what I need to say and you can ignore me instead of starting up a sideways argument ...

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Re: At my breaking point, I hate my mother.

psyah's a big boy, he can respond himself :)

Aside from the part I've quoted above I just don't agree with what you said earlier--her mother abused her (mental/emotional abuse is just as bad as physical abuse) throughout her life, it's caused her lots of issues. For all we know, the mother may not give two hoots and is feeling perfectly fine? I'm not one to condone "blame my parents" syndrome, but the vast majority of adults who are abused/treated badly in their childhood, it carries over into adulthood and it usually takes alot of effort/hard work to move past it and find peace.

I do think OP should take steps to recover her own peace of mind and sanity, and she can decide whether that means to really let her mother go or take your approach.

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Re: At my breaking point, I hate my mother.

I agree with you ... My reasoning for my response was taken from reading between the lines in her post ... It suggested to me that her hatred to her mother may be partially guilt as well.

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Re: At my breaking point, I hate my mother.

My advice is for you to learn to forgive. This is the only thing that will help you in life. You have so much anger towards your mother - some of it is even understandable - but its still a lot of anger to hold on to. The only solution to your current state of mind and for you to find peace is to forgive your mother for anything you're holding against her.

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Re: At my breaking point, I hate my mother.

Psyah and LK are right. If mom was truly happy, she wouldn't be complaining all the time, nor would she so easily and blindly create a tamasha of herself before the OP's in-laws. When a person does that....it's because whatever insecurity or frustration that has been nagging/eating away at them has completely taken over...to the point that they can't even see the consequences of their actions let alone the impression they're making on others. That display of behavior didnt empower your mom, made her appear weaker. Keeping this in mind..relax your anger and try to develop some leniency and move past what happened. Wasn't easy for her either.

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Re: At my breaking point, I hate my mother.

I'm so sorry that you have gone through so many years of pain.

I don't think anyone has the power to cause us pain as much as our immediate families do. No matter if we may disagree with them in their own lives, their understanding, approval, and respect matters to us. Even small comments and actions from them can make us question who we are, and here you are dealing with your mother who has made you feel worthless, unworthy, and unimportant for years. There are few people in the world that have the power to break us like that, and it is VERY hard to move beyond feeling so broken.

Here's the thing you have to realize. YOU give someone that power over you. YOU allow that person to break you, to bring you unhappiness and heartache. You allow that pain into your life. And YOU have the power to change that by making yourself less vulnerable.

From what you've written I do believe you could find peace if you could make amends with your mother, if somehow she would take responsibility for the many wrongs that she has done you, acknowledge how she has hurt you, and move forward in a way that reflects honesty and love. Unfortunately you cannot control her or force her to realize her mistakes. In all likelihood a small part of her recognizes her flaws, but she is not willing to admit them or change her behavior yet. Perhaps one day she will. But you have to recognize that you cannot bring about this change in her. You have tried to be accommodating toward her, and she has still found ways to hurt you. At this point you have to recognize that you do not have the power to fix things on your own.

Here are some things that I think you should do/reflect on to help you move forward:
1. Accept that your mother will not treat you right. She will not be fair to you. She will not show you the love and consideration that you deserve. This is not fair to you. But it is not something you can change.
2. Expect literally nothing from your mother, not even the basic decency anyone should be expected to show toward another human being. These expectations will only serve to set you up for disappointment.
3. Accept any kindness, love, consideration she offers you with an open heart and enjoy it. Do not question her motives or dwell on it too much.
4. Do not look for others' approval to feel good about yourself.
5. Find ways that YOU can feel good about yourself. Spend time on things that help you feel proud of yourself, so that you are less reliant on others' approval and less vulnerable to their insults.
6. Pray to Allah to help you move past the anger and pain that have paralyzed you for so long.
7. Pray to Allah to help you appreciate and make the most of the blessings you have in your life.
8. Pray to Allah to give you the strength you need to pursue the relationships and achievements that will bring you happiness.

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Re: At my breaking point, I hate my mother.

I think one reason for my breaking point is that all my life, I have felt that God hates me and that he's displeased with me because of how things have been with my mother. If she's so unhappy with me, why would God listen to my prayers or anything. That's why now I don't even pray or make dua wholeheartedly because I feel as if it will never be accepted.

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Re: At my breaking point, I hate my mother.

^ Your mother is flawed. God is not.

She makes mistakes. She has given you a distorted opinion of yourself. Look to yourself and to God to change that.

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Re: At my breaking point, I hate my mother.

I totally understand where you are coming from. I know how difficult it must be to you to go through a feeling of being neglected by your Own Mother since you were a child but if you think you are mature, then be it!!
I dont want to give you a lot of suggestions as I see a lot of people here have already given you.
The only thing I would want to share with you is this Ayat from Our Holy Quran:

Also agree to psyah.. When she is happy with you your in-laws will see that and see that both of you have changed for the better .

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Re: At my breaking point, I hate my mother.

Peace sister safinaz

This shows that you have a sound understanding of the importance of the mother ... In the Sight of Allah that is ...

However, this disheartening feeling comes from Shaitan ... He tries to convince people that they are so far gone from forgiveness that any prayer or du'a is pointless and as a result he achieves convincing people to even stop 'ibadah ... Please note that Allah (SWT) is Ghafoor-u-Raheem ... He can forgive anything because He is needless ... However, us people are not needless you need your mother's du'as to get peace of mind and she needs her daughters love and respect ...

I suggest if you have the courage to do this ... My sister in Islam, is to say the part above that I put in bold of your own words to your mother ...

"Mum I think that I can pray and pray, but why would God listen to my prayers if you are so upset with me?"

It will take time so perhaps it is not a good idea to hope for a sudden miracle, but you can teach your mother through your patience with her to forgive you ... But you need to remind her ... By saying "mum forgive me" really upon saying this each time in your heart you are learning to forgive her ... God Speed ... Make that happen :) our du'as are with you!

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Re: At my breaking point, I hate my mother.

I used to know a similar woman like this. Now that I have grown up I have realized that she has borderline mental illness symptoms that was ignored by the desi community mentality.

I think both of you need to meet separately with a therapist from the Pakistani community, especially to talk about your depression.

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Re: At my breaking point, I hate my mother.

^ Very well said. Especially #1. :k: