redvelvet, I appreciate your advice. However, I don't think I have any elders I can lean on, if you mean it like that. I mean, most of my family IS in Pakistan, and most I have not gotten into contact with. As for delaying, my family says they can wait a year at the moment, but that's pretty much it.
Okay forget elders then. How about your cousin? Surely your cousin cannot agree to marry a girl whose not interested in marrying him let alone has no romantic feelings toward him. It would help if you could email him or somehow, some way....contact him. Where there's a will, there's a way.
redvelvet, I appreciate your advice. However, I don't think I have any elders I can lean on, if you mean it like that. I mean, most of my family IS in Pakistan, and most I have not gotten into contact with. As for delaying, my family says they can wait a year at the moment, but that's pretty much it.
Thats good enough. Buying yourself time is the starting point and use that period for continously trying to convince them to extend further...e.g start a degree that requires 3-4 years for completion etc.
I have to ask one thing though Crystal, why do you seem almost resigned to this? If I didnt want something at all, I would fight for it, even if it meant being exiled. First of all, you father and his family are not in your life and the only family you have is your moms which you have said above is in Pakistan..so who are you worried about being exiled from???
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Surely your cousin cannot agree to marry a girl whose not interested in marrying him let alone has no romantic feelings toward him. It would help if you could email him or somehow, some way....contact him. Where there's a will, there's a way.
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Well, he's only been over a few times, other than that, I haven't gotten into any contact with him.
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If I didnt want something at all, I would fight for it, even if it meant being exiled
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Well, exile I meant being thrown out and forced to fend for myself, and at this time, in California, that's not a good thing to go through.
Thats good enough. Buying yourself time is the starting point and use that period for continously trying to convince them to extend further...e.g start a degree that requires 3-4 years for completion etc.
I have to ask one thing though Crystal, why do you seem almost resigned to this? If I didnt want something at all, I would fight for it, even if it meant being exiled. First of all, you father and his family are not in your life and the only family you have is your moms which you have said above is in Pakistan..so who are you worried about being exiled from???
I agree with WH. I'm getting that vibe from you as well, Crystle. I can't seem to figure out if you want this.....or don't want this? Do you like him or not? I mean surelyamidst all the confusion....you'd at least be certain of your own feelings regarding this guy and this issue.
I understand that it's tough. But like WH, i'd fight. I'd communicate my disapproval PERSISTENTLY. Buying time is good. Consider finding a way to get in touch with your cousin.
If your cousin really loves you,say yes to him,without wasting anytime.You know that guy very well,he wont be a cheater.
Doesnot matter whether you love him or not,the important thing is he should love you.
Then you will fall in love with him...InshaAllah.
My khala says marry my son,he is a nice guy but im one year older than him:DKhala says makes no difference.
Well, he's only been over a few times, other than that, I haven't gotten into any contact with him. Well, exile I meant being thrown out and forced to fend for myself, and at this time, in California, that's not a good thing to go through.
So, you have to FIND a way to establish contact. Know what I mean? When one is desperate, they MAKE A WAY out for themselves. They don't resign themselves to a situation. They find ways out.
Does he have email? Could he be on facebook? Could you do an internet search on him. How about this idea....why don't you wait a while and act CALM and HAPPY. And then calmly suggest to your parents that you think it would be a good idea for you and your cousin to get to know each other if he's going to be your future spouse. And that you would like to give him your email address. Establish communication. If he emails you....BOOM. That gives you a place to start.
You've got to know the phone number of your family back home. Crystel you've got to do some "SCHEMING" of your own here, if you know what i mean.
Well, he's only been over a few times, other than that, I haven't gotten into any contact with him. Well, exile I meant being thrown out and forced to fend for myself, and at this time, in California, that's not a good thing to go through.
If you are under 18 and anyone tries to kick you out of the house, you will become a ward of the State. All states are required to provide home and shelter to children (a 16 year old is considered a child, NOT an adult!) so that is not a problem.
Second resolution is if you have a friend whose family would be willing to take you in if you were to get kicked out. I am confident that any family who hears that you are going through this kind of situation will be willing to help you out and get you on your feet.
Have you thought about contacting your local social services and asking them what options are available for a 16 year old?
Finally, if you have a year...start a job, get money together and use that one year to devise a plan for moving out, living on your own, sharing an apartment etc.. Start planning an saving now and you will not have to worry when the year is up.
Married men,they have kids...N when they show themselves unmarried or a woman ,what should one infer?
Why do people cheat others?Stalking ,irritating...you people will chase but for how long.I mean,one day things will change completely.
When you actually respect someone,u donot bug them.
I guess I don't put enough emotion in my post, sorry about that.
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I agree with WH. I'm getting that vibe from you as well, Crystle. I can't seem to figure out if you want this.....or don't want this? Do you like him or not?
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I really can't say I like him, or hate him. I really have only met him a few times, and I can't really make a decision based on that...
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You know that guy very well,he wont be a cheater.
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I don't know him very well, so I have no idea! Lol, he could be anything for all I know.
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Have you thought about contacting your local social services and asking them what options are available for a 16 year old?
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Can I do it without my family finding out?
I guess I don't put enough emotion in my post, sorry about that. I really can't say I like him, or hate him. I really have only met him a few times, and I can't really make a decision based on that... I don't know him very well, so I have no idea! Lol, he could be anything for all I know. Can I do it without my family finding out?
Well, marrying a cousin doesn't necessarily guarantee a happy marriage or a faithful spouse for that matter.
Also, marrying a guy who loves you doesn't necessarily guarantee that you will also develop romantic feelings for him. What happens if you don't develop such feelings? You're trapped in a marriage that is not mutual.
It's good that you've borrowed some time for yourself. You say you're unsure about whether you want to marry him. Okay...in that case...consider getting to know him. And somehow....get his email address. Or consider telling your parents that you and him should bond before the wedding next year, and so you'd like to give him your email address. And just talk to him, get to know him. And understand that if you end up not liking him.....tell him about your feelings.....and stand firm on your decision to not marry him. (if you don't like him). But get to know him.
Re: Arranged to marry at 16, not feeling right...
Crystle, if you don't mind my asking is Lumpitt your last name? Correct me if I'm wrong, but I thought your dad was desi....hence a desi last name. But I suppose Lumpitt may not be a last name.
No my dad was not Desi, and Lumpitt isn't my last name. Neither is Crystle my first name. Its just an online alias to keep me anonymous.
No my dad was not Desi, and Lumpitt isn't my last name. Neither is Crystle my first name. Its just an online alias to keep me anonymous.
So what is your parental background. Are one your parents Asian? If so, which one? Dad? And how about your mom? Is she Caucasian? How does your mom feel about all this?
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So what is your parental background. Are one your parents Asian? If so, which one? Dad? And how about your mom? Is she Caucasian? How does your mom feel about all this?
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My only biological parent still around is asian, which is my mom. My biological father was white, but hes long dead.
Re: Arranged to marry at 16, not feeling right...
Crsytal..I would like to make a suggestion. Please can your provide some mini bio and background that will be more helpful than answering questions constantly. I want to respect your privacy and do not want you to mention anything that has no bearing on getting advice (e.g.number of siblings). So if you can mention where you born, how you were raised, your social circle, your personal experience or knowledge of Pakistan and the culture (e.g. did your mom take you ever to Pakistan..is your mom more gori than desi..etc..). How much you know your moms family..what are your perceptions of life in Pakistan??
I think your situation is confusing us because things seem too apparent to us but yet are still confusing you, as if there is more that we need to know.
My only biological parent still around is asian, which is my mom. My biological father was white, but hes long dead.
Okay, so then this is your maternal cousin we're talking about. Correct?
If so, why is your mom so adamant about this match? Is your mom religious? Is she afraid that you might one day marry someone who is white...and she thus is pushing for this marriage as a way to prevent that from happening?
I don't mind providing information. Lol, I just wanted to keep my name private.
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So if you can mention where you born
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SoCal, or Southern California.
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how you were raised
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Normally, I guess. You'll have to be more specific. What are you specifically asking about?
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your personal experience or knowledge of Pakistan and the culture
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Nill at best. I admit it, I'm very ignorant about my own background.
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Desi. Why do you ask?
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How much you know your moms family..what are your perceptions of life in Pakistan??
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I don't have much perceptions to be honest, I really don't know much of Pakistan. I know, I'm ignorant.
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Okay, so then this is your maternal cousin we're talking about. Correct?
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Yes.
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Is your mom religious?
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Yes, absolutely.
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Is she afraid that you might one day marry someone who is white...and she thus is pushing for this marriage as a way to prevent that from happening?
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Someone I talked to from here suggested that, being since I have a white boyfriend and all.
Re: Arranged to marry at 16, not feeling right...
Is your mom aware of your white boyfriend? If so, you think such knowledge has prompted her to get you married at a young age?
. Someone I talked to from here suggested that, being since I have a white boyfriend and all.
I would say you have just answered the question as to why your mom might be wanting to marry you off...you have a white boyfriend!
I guess your mom doesnt want you to lose your Asian heritage and the fact that you are dating at such a young age worries her as well so in her mind the only way to 'save' you from yourself and to keep your Asian side alive is to marry you off to some relative back home.
I understand your moms concerns and I have a feeling that she wants you to not make the same mistake she feels she did by marrying/dating a white guy.
I think the solution to your problems might be as simple as not acting in a manner that panics your mom into drastic action.
I don't know if she knows, I guess it's likely she does. Is it wrong for me too, I mean, am I making a mistake? Someone else here I confided it said so, and it seems you all agree. Well, has that been one big mistake?