Hello, my name is Crystle (for this forum), and I am a 16 year old mixed Pakistani, who has been arranged to marry a 20 year old cousin (marrying a cousin!?) back in pakistan, and I am not really fine with it. The arrangement stems from my aunt, who was ill (she thought it would be fatal) and who wanted someone from my side of my family to marry into hers, and me being the only daughter in their teens, they chose me. I feel kind of disturbed they chose this for me without even asking me, but they did. It’s pretty much a done deal now, and I’ve only met my cousin a few times, who I can tell really likes me, and probably has no objection to this marriage. One of my big objections is after the marriage I will have to move to Pakistan, and I have a friend who tells me my very appearance, light-skinned and red hair and blue eyes, would cause issues over there, and if that’s the case, I def. wouldn’t want to move there. I really don’t know what to do. Do I accept or refuse? What do you think is the best option?
Re: Arranged to marry at 16, not feeling right...
refuse. ur not ready for this.
Well they have asserted that if I refuse, I will lose all connections with my family and I will essentially be an outcast, I also would feel bad letting my family down.
i cant even begin to tell you the problems ur gonna have with this.
bottom line: its ur life, ur only gonna live it once, and live it the way you want to, not as someone's dying wish.
Also: one can only go so far with one's ideas and tadbeers. We all have to bear with whatever destiny has in store for us, so if u find urself in a situation as such, believe that Allah will have made it better for you.
Re: Arranged to marry at 16, not feeling right...
that is despicable! they're emotionally blackmailing a teenager. Let that give an idea of what's in store for you. They'll expect you to bend over everytime. I understand what u mean about family, but they are asking just too much from you. And at such a tender age too.
I'm not really sure if I can believe Allah or God or such can make it better for me, and I know a lot of hardships will come if I accept or refuse. I guess it's just a matter of less hardships, but I really don't know what to choose. I guess it is emotional blackmail, but even if it is, it is having an effect on me...
Re: Arranged to marry at 16, not feeling right...
Living in Pakistan is not an easy deal, especially when you've lived in a foreign country, maybe you could compromise and ask them to bring the guy over to the wherever you are? and have the wedding here? Or u could try stalling, a bit. Its not unreasonable to ask him to come over there, and you should stand up for at least SOMETHING at this point, as i see from your post, your very dejected, and poosibly you've made up your mind about the worst-case scenario,
Well he has come here, to meet me a few times, but they seem set that the marriage should be in Pakistan, and even the wedding. Again, I've been told my very appearance would be trouble there, so it is very unsettling. How do you think I can stall them? That would be good...
Re: Arranged to marry at 16, not feeling right...
only u know ur circumstances best, but u could try saying that you dont want to rush into marriage so soon and that you could have an engagement (and then u can make it a long one),
or, you could talk to the guy, and talk to him about how u feel, and that you're willing to marry him, but not just now (also he's just 20, which is a pretty early age for him to marry too) maybe HE could then talk some sense into his relatives. and say that he wants to finish his education, or for u to finish yours, or for him to be able to separately support you,
and have them wait till then.
i dont think ur appearance is a major issue. there are plenty of fair-skinned, light-eyed pakistani people too and they get on here fine. Just some lifestyle adjustments like wearing shalwar qameez and dupattas will be called for.
ppl actually like fair skinned ppl here, u'll be considered beautiful, so no worries about that, if im getting ur point correctly
Re: Arranged to marry at 16, not feeling right...
there's also a thing called nikkah done on the phone, i would recommend u suggest this after putting ur foot down though, its just an idea though
Re: Arranged to marry at 16, not feeling right...
CL try and stall your parents, bcos living in Pakistan wont be easy for you and now the visa age has increased as well, you don't wanna be stuck in Pakistan for years on end.....
have you talked to your mum and explained it to her...if not do you have an older sibling or even a relative who will understand you.
i think for now you should not refuse outright but you should try and stall the marriage till you turn at least 21...or try talking to your cousin/fiance
shalwar qameez and dupattas? What are those?
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ppl actually like fair skinned ppl here, u'll be considered beautiful, so no worries about that, if im getting ur point correctly
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Really? Then I guess my friend is wrong, but she very much the opposite, that people in pakistan and elsewhere in the middle east are racist against people with light and white skin, like me. As for my cousin, I won't meet him again unless I go to Pakistan, so I really can't talk to him about it. I'm not exactly sure how I can stall, but it's good if I try.
Why 21 exactly?
Re: Arranged to marry at 16, not feeling right...
shalwaar qameez is just pakistani apparel you can google it for pictures,
and i meant that you coluld perhaps talk to the guy on the phone? it would'nt be so hard to get his number if he's a cousin.
Also, Racist?? Swoon over them more like it and given preferential treatment wherever they go. ive lived in the middle east all my life, and ive seen how fair ppl (esp. Americans/British) get the best jobs and salaries! So all u'll face here is either admiration or jealousy, not racism.
i agree with pyaree, talk to the guy, or anyone else in your family or loved ones u think would listen.
there are so many excuses you could make, just to delay the process. by the by, that story about that aunt of yours is so oft-repeated, ive heard it before.
pakistan is not the safe haven it used to be (if it ever was that) we have suicide bombings here almost every other day, and with the taliban and all, maybe you can convince your parents that u dont want to go to pk for solely security reasons,
other things u cud do: crying, throw tantrums (last resort though), but ur parents and relatives are being childish and immature, its not the norm even in pakistan to marry their girls at such a young age. besides, i can see a host of medical problems popping up, all of them affecting YOUR physical and Mental wellbeing.
Well I'm not really sure I can call him on the phone, the only way I was even able to meet him was under a lot of supervision (they did not want me to meet him before the wedding but I was able to get the ability to meet him) so I'm not sure I can call him in private. Is it really so violent there? Why would anyone move over there then, willingly? This is getting more disturbing now...
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rying, throw tantrums (last resort though)
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Well, I don't want to appear as a little child, would that really help? As for racism, so it's the other way around there? It's just I've been told different. A friend of mine said its common for people to marry at my age there as well, so it isnt? Oft-repeated? Do you mean you think I'm making it up slightly, because I am not. Sorry if I appeared I was.
Re: Arranged to marry at 16, not feeling right...
So I am assuming that one of your parents is white and brought up in the west, so how can they support such behaviour as forcing you into this?
Anyhow, just don't go to Pakistan, full stop, what will they do, throw you out of the house?
Tell them that you were not consulted in arranging your engagement, and you will consider this as an adult when you are older, then you can make the decision to marry him or not.
Re: Arranged to marry at 16, not feeling right...
crystle where r u frm usa/uk/canada?i mean im sure u have plans to study further
dont say no straightaway think about it, y not sit n spk to ur parents n cme to a compromise, like say ok im happy to get married so long as i can finish my education here (wherever u live) n then i will go n live in pak, that way if u want to work in the future u will have a good educational background as well as being emotionally n mentaly stable for a marriage, i gt married at 21 n was away frm my hubby (hes frm pak) for 2.5yrs, hes only recently cme to uk n now im almost 25, bt im emotionally n mentally ready fr anything that comes my way, ur way too young to b moving out there especially if u dnt knw wat its like
No, its not violent(depending on where ur frm) is it a village or city?wat area? Racism well im sure as others have mentioned smeone with fair skin is not a target for racism infact u will b the centre of attention, im sure ur beautiful, and thats the way ppl in pak will c you
i stayed in pak for a year n a half n i luved it but again our family lives in the village so perhaps i enjoyed it more that way
wel i wish u the best
Re: Arranged to marry at 16, not feeling right...
do you seriously no know what a shalwar kameez was? coz if ur getting married to someone from pakistan then if u dont even know what that is u may have alot of communication problems... hes 20.. is he even old enough to support u and ur needs??
as for the whole fair skin coloured eyes, that really wont be a problem in my opinion... ur family is asking u to take such a huge step for them y dont u request that they take u to pakistan for a holiday for a few weeks to get a feel of what the countries like.. then maybe u'll get an understanding as to which circumstances u'll be living under, that myt help ease ur thoughts or it might make u understand what u DO want
honestly speaking this is a huge step... dont rule it out completley but give it ALOT of thought because u are being asked to make alot of sacrifices and i think all relationships should be about compromise... take a little and give a llot will never make u happy
Hello, my name is Crystle (for this forum), and I am a 16 year old mixed Pakistani, who has been arranged to marry a 20 year old cousin (marrying a cousin!?) back in pakistan, and I am not really fine with it. The arrangement stems from my aunt, who was ill (she thought it would be fatal) and who wanted someone from my side of my family to marry into hers, and me being the only daughter in their teens, they chose me. I feel kind of disturbed they chose this for me without even asking me, but they did. It's pretty much a done deal now, and I've only met my cousin a few times, who I can tell really likes me, and probably has no objection to this marriage. One of my big objections is after the marriage I will have to move to Pakistan, and I have a friend who tells me my very appearance, light-skinned and red hair and blue eyes, would cause issues over there, and if that's the case, I def. wouldn't want to move there. I really don't know what to do. Do I accept or refuse? What do you think is the best option?
Hiya,
Listen, I got engaged at the age of 14 just after my birthday. (us pathans get hitched very early) I was so afraid of letting my family down that I chose to have a rishta with my cousin and just relied on everyone else hoping things would get better soon.. or feelings would grow towards him. I was told that I wouldn't engaged till I was 16 but they went to Pakistan without me and got my cousin engaged over there without telling me and suddenly changed my status (dont know why as I wasnt even in pak for the engagement) to let ppl know that I was going to marry my cousin in a few years time. I felt sick.. I took everything in pretty well for a 14 year old but I myself like you was questioning the matter.. and thinking about it.. honey if you feel the need to ask people and make a thread about it or even think if it's a good option to go ahead with this rishta or not then there is something wrong..
I'm not saying DONT GO AHEAD WITH UR RISHTA- but please think about this.. because you are very young & believe it or not your mind will change as u get older (and this is what I hated hearing from other people when they told me I was too young) & you will see for yourself. I think it's awesome that your familys intentions are to get you a rishta because they do care about you and want you to have a good life with this guy- its all on a plate for you but they need to realise you atealst need more time to think about your future first.. and need to really talk to you about everything first.
Have a heart to heart convo with your mother. Are you close to your mum? Tel her how you feel. I was never close to my mother so it was hard for me to let everything out. I think you should think long and hard and explain to your mother how you exactly feel. I don't wanna sound like one of them kuriya that are like 'OMG DONT DO IT DONT GET MARRIED UR TOO YOUNG'- I've been there and I know exactly what it's like.. I just wish I never wasted so much of my life..
Talk to your mum!
I dont think your appearance will have much effect on the people. you will probably look like a pashtoon. so it wont matter much.