Re: Arranged Marriages - Time Savers?
a combination of arranged + love marriage is good but not everyone is lucky in this matter...i do agree with PCG that its a waste of time when one dates the other but wastes time and gets nothing out of it and then another and another, arranged marriage saves the time.
Re: Arranged Marriages - Time Savers?
the same problem of "not knowing the person well" can arise in an arranged marriage as well.....
I have personally seen really sad cases where some really disturbing stuff about the groom was hidden from the girl (it is still a mystery whether her FAMILY knew about it or not) and then a few months after the marriage it leaked out. They got a divorce.
some people say marriage is a gamble....i think its more of a struggle but at the same time there should be atleast an initial sweetness and warm-feeling-all-over that FOR ME ATLEAST comes through the idea of being with someone i have loved for some time and have shared some memories with. but its different for everyone. a friend of mine actually finds the whole idea of getting to be sexually intimate with someone without knowing them very interesting lolz...
Re: Arranged Marriages - Time Savers?
agree with you shweety....its different for everyone. I myself would want to have spent some time with someone and known him for a while before i marry him..but generally, it is seen that arranged marriages save the hassle:) but then again, this is a general statement, not for everyone.
Re: Arranged Marriages - Time Savers?
I think it's worth the hassle. . . after all, you do plan on spending your entire life with this person.
Re: Arranged Marriages - Time Savers?
some people say marriage is a gamble....i think its more of a struggle but at the same time there should be atleast an initial sweetness and warm-feeling-all-over that FOR ME ATLEAST comes through the idea of being with someone i have loved for some time and have shared some memories with. but its different for everyone. a friend of mine actually finds the whole idea of getting to be sexually intimate with someone without knowing them very interesting lolz...
In Pakistan, the vast majority of marriages are successful because the romantic element is very low. The more our institution of marriage becomes influenced by Western notions, the more it seems to weaken and lead to divorces.
Re: Arranged Marriages - Time Savers?
I would like to know how many of those vast majority of marriages in pakistan that lack romance are ones where both spouses are truly happy?
Or does it not matter if the two people involved are happy? . .. is the success of a particular marriage measured solely by whether or not a couple stays married?
Re: Arranged Marriages - Time Savers?
Since the vast majority of the people of Pakistan lead happy and contented lives, it's reasonable to assume that they are happy in their marriages. Pakistan is not a materialist society and therefore does not believe in the ideas and principles of such society.
The ordinary village woman of Pakistan is happy with her lot. Her life may be simple: cooking food, working in the farm, gossiping with other women, looking after children, but it is a WHOLE lot more contented than any American woman. I don't have any statistics to back these claims up, but it's based on my comparison of Eastern society with Western.
Re: Arranged Marriages - Time Savers?
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u need to get out of your cave:p
Re: Arranged Marriages - Time Savers?
oh... i've done that a long time ago, and i still think pakistanis are happier even though they are poorer.:)
Re: Arranged Marriages - Time Savers?
I know for a fact though that pakistan has as much, if not more, problems related to marriage and relationships.i dont know ALL paki women...or all western women...so i cant make any statement based on which is happier.
Re: Arranged Marriages - Time Savers?
i'm not painting pakistan as a utopian society, but i've often been amazed by the contentment that the poor peasants have there compared to those of us in the West who are in the rat race.
Re: Arranged Marriages - Time Savers?
SolarOceans, I really don't know how many couples who married for love are still happy when they're in their 40's?
Life changes, and people change. You can be in love with someone or married to someone your 'rents picked out for you. But if you're not a flexible and forgiving and understanding person, then you're going to have a hard time adjusting to waking up to that same rotten face every morning. And I'm sure after 10 years of marriage, the face does get rotten. Hey we all eventually sag at some point.
Re: Arranged Marriages - Time Savers?
u stole my words .. for last 2 threads i’m trying to explain the same to them…thanks!
Re: Arranged Marriages - Time Savers?
Or does it not matter if the two people involved are happy? . .. is the success of a particular marriage measured solely by whether or not a couple stays married?
exactly!
Its not use getting / living married where your spouse is no more than a stranger.
Re: Arranged Marriages - Time Savers?
Life changes, and people change. You can be in love with someone or married to someone your 'rents picked out for you. But if you're not a flexible and forgiving and understanding person, then you're going to have a hard time adjusting to waking up to that same rotten face every morning. And I'm sure after 10 years of marriage, the face does get rotten. Hey we all eventually sag at some point.
I know two couples who married for love still happy and it's fifty some years later and they're super old but they adore each other. I don't know that many couples because well, it sounds sad, but I don't really know that many old people. But, you are absolutely right, PCG, the reason marriage goes bad in the first place I think is because of unreasonable expectations, unflexibility, unforgiveness, etc. It doesn't really matter if it's arranged marriage or a love marriage. If two people don't possess these qualities, it will be hard to sustain a marriage. I just don't think that arranged marriages give any sort of edge over love marriages.
Diazepam Dreams argues that arranged marriages have an edge because the families see eye to eye. If you want to argue that way, then I would say that love marriages have an edge because the two people know each other. I don't think that arranged marriages have an edge at all, not if you're measuring in quality of marriage (happiness, etc.) versus quantity, (how long a marriage lasts). I know many people in marriages in pakistan who have been married forty some years and although they would never get divorced or anything like that because they are far too comfy, they are not really happy. Marriage is not a source of joy to them but something to live with. I don't see marriage that way. Are they miserable? No. . . Are they happy at times? Sure . . . but are they getting everything out of marriage that they could be? I don't think so. So are people in pakistan generally more content than people here? I don't know but if they are i think it's only because they don 't know what they could have. It's easy to be happy with something if you don 't think anything better is out there.
As for marriages falling apart, if two people allow their families to interfere to the degree that it is hurting the marriage, whether it be love or arranged, the marriage will go through hard times and possibly fall apart. If two people decide to protect their marriage above and beyond and not let family members interfere to that degree, then I think they have a better shot. Like I said before, in our culture, it seems that family members believe it is not only their right, but their DUTY, to impose on a new couple, demand children, etc. All of these things lead to friction IF the two people let it happen.
As for which is better, as is clear on this board, it is in the eye of the beholder. What I do have a problem with is arranged marriages pushed on people who want love marriages. It STILL happens in our culture and I don't think that's fair at all.
Personally, like i said earlier, i think love marriages all the way. Like Imran Q stated above, i feel it is much harder to adjust living with a person you don't know as opposed to a person you do know. Obviously it can be done but personally, i find the thought terrifying.
Re: Arranged Marriages - Time Savers?
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Diazepam Dreams argues that arranged marriages have an edge because the families see eye to eye. If you want to argue that way, then I would say that love marriages have an edge because the two people know each other. I don't think that arranged marriages have an edge at all, not if you're measuring in quality of marriage (happiness, etc.) versus quantity, (how long a marriage lasts).
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I shared the same point of view as you up till a year back. The way I see things... love... indeed any form of attraction between the sexes is based upon hormones and lust. When two people fall head over heels for each other... or develop some sort of liking for each other, it's nothing more than the hormones talking.
In that state of mind, pretty much everything about our better half seems alright and acceptable.
I'd agree that getting to know someone beforehand is important, but i'd rather have my folks introduce me to someone they feel comfy with, with me retaining the veto.
As far as the longevity of a marriage being the acid test of a marriages success, i'd say it holds as a gold standard...
A relationship is about deciding to stick around when things really begin to suck.
Re: Arranged Marriages - Time Savers?
that's a misconception. just because it's arranged doesn't mean that you don't get to know the person. you can, although the time will be much less. however, in a love marriage there is every risk of getting deceived. anyone can put on a 'loving and caring' facade.
Re: Arranged Marriages - Time Savers?
People get decieved in arranged marriages too. I was first married by my parents with m y cousin who the whole family supposedly knew very well. I'm not going to go into details but apparently, there was a lot that the family didn't know, not even his own mother. So deception takes place everywhere and it doesn't really matter if it's arranged or love. That's a risk that everyone at some point has to take in their life if they want to be married.
Re: Arranged Marriages - Time Savers?
In that state of mind, pretty much everything about our better half seems alright and acceptable.
I'd agree that getting to know someone beforehand is important, but i'd rather have my folks introduce me to someone they feel comfy with, with me retaining the veto.
As far as the longevity of a marriage being the acid test of a marriages success, i'd say it holds as a gold standard...
A relationship is about deciding to stick around when things really begin to suck.
I guess that everyone has their own pov on love. Personally I think that
love is more than just attraction. If you want to reduce love to being nothing more than hormones at work, then you'll have to reduce every other emotion you feel as nothing but chemical reactions in your brain. I would agree that attraction, at least, physical attraction is nothing more than lust but I would never call love simply lust. We're not bunnies after all, we do have some control over these reactions.
And, I agree, a relationship is about deciding to stick around when things really begin to suck. But, if you're in a marriage and have never been happy and you know that you can never be happy at all, well personally, I don't see that marriage as successful at all. I can't speak for anyone else but I can say for me at least, I think you need a foundation to stand on and love seems to be a pretty good foundation. If one sticks around during tough times in a relationship because of that foundation, I'm all for that. Every marriage goes through tough times and I in no way believe that one should bail during those times. However, If there is no foundation, if one is sticking around simply because they have no where else to go or because they are far too comfortable in the situation, then I don't see that as successful. Whether the marriage be arranged or love, I think the intention behind the sticking around is really important.
And I think love rocks. Really guys. It's not overrated. It's beautiful but again that's a personal perception. It can bring about the best in human nature and it can bring about the worst but I think it's definitely an emotion worth feeling and I hope everyone in the world gets to experience it one day INSHA-ALLAH.
Re: Arranged Marriages - Time Savers?
And I think love rocks. Really guys. It's not overrated. It's beautiful but again that's a personal perception. It can bring about the best in human nature and it can bring about the worst but I think it's definitely an emotion worth feeling and I hope everyone in the world gets to experience it one day INSHA-ALLAH.
true love just brings nothing but pain in the end.. after all, the most famous love stories (laila and majnoon, heer and ranjha etc) all end in tragedy. the more romantic and 'fairy-tale' the love is, the greater is the risk of something going wrong... on the other hand, the good old dull arranged marriages seem to last quiet a long time.