I will be going back home in about a month to see potential guy to get married to. Obviously my uncle back home has several guys in line for me. I’m really nervous and scared but at the same time very excited to find that special someone. I just wanna to talk to ppl who have gone through the same experience that i’m going through.
There are several things that are going through my mind:
how will i know that the guy is marrying for me and not for my money or for citizenship
when I do meet these guys, what do i talk about and ask. I think this will be sooooooooooo embrassing, as I’m pretty shy person.
since i’m visiting for only about 4 wks, will i have enough time to get to know the guy and make my decision.
anyone with advice or similar experience, pls share! Thanks!
the truth is you can never tell if someone is marrying you for your money or citizship. you just need to talk to these people as you would talk to anyone you meet for the first time. as well as of course, find out their interests and future plans. in 4 weeks you will never know the true colours of anyone. talk to them as normally as you can, im sure youll have another adult in the room with you, like an uncle or someone. so he may instigate conversation if you are too shy. you can normally tell how someone is at first instance, go with your instinct, and please dont do what my aunt did, which is, she only looked at who was the best looking rather than personality.
I think there is no problem with citizenship and money as long as future goals are not individual but mutual. It will ensure a better quality of life for you.
Ask him about his past and future goals plus the things you value most religion, family, etc.
I think 3-4 in depth conversations will help you make a final decision. Do follow your instincts and don't hesitate to say NO if you don't feel like it.
awww! I wish you the very best! As already stated, just be yourself, dont put on any airs or anything. Let the guys see who you really are so that there are fewer surprises after the marriage! If you want to find out whether they're after green-card or your family's money, ask them whether they would live in Pak. And tell them that the family money doesnt come with you, that once you're married, your husband is to do the providing. True or not, it will weed out the undesirables.
As far as asking the questions you feel sensitive about - like how many children, how long to wait before children, whether wife can/should/wants to work.....ask the guy "So what is your ideal of married life? What do you see as the day-to-day in the marriage? What are your goals and ideals in family life and marriage?" This is a really good way of getting down to the details without having to actually ask insensitive or uncomfortable questions.
Well, there is no one suitable here for me as per my parents and as for me, I am pretty shy person, so i didn't go around making guy friends in school or elsewhere.
the citizenship issue....well i think an idicator may be ther education level...if they have a degree and a good job and career prospects...y not.? and to be honest i dont think u can ever know anyones intentions no matter how much u talk to someone..u just cant..and i think u need to know there will be times where u will change ur minds about what intentions they have....also if he comes from a good family financially th less likey he is marrying u just for a citizenship....and maybe tell him what his ideas are of staying in pak...just as a lil tester to see his reaction..:)
just ask what he does what he hopes to do..and usually conversation will flow...ask him where he sees himself in 10 years..and remember hes in the same boat as u...im sure he is thinking th same thing...;)
who says u have to make a decision in 4 weeks..? i mean a decision that affects ur life should be made in due course and when u believ u are ready to take the next step...i personally think maybe 4 weeks may be too short of a time...
but good luck sup sup and dont get too worried no decisions have to made in a split second..think about what u want from life and what he wants and see if they are a match...iA u wil be fine..
lol. well ask him what does he think about foreigners? especially pakistani girls? and is he sensing any social drift among pakistanis, especially younger generation? whose fault is that? and how one could tackle it? and is western media should be blamed for it?
i am also very shy, but when it comes to professional settings and you really need some feed back then its better to be cold-hearted.
Great suggestion Zobia.... Sup Sup you HAVE to talk on that topic, will give you a lot of insight. Also follow your instincts, the way a person speaks, looks at you, etc. says a lot about their character...... and human instincts are usually very accurate. (I was gonna write female :p)
Your whole life based on a decision made in 4 weeks? I wouldn't recommend that. You could always meet them, then go back.... maybe exchange some e-mails on certain topics, get to know the person a bit more, then decide.
If someone's in a hurry, that would definitely be suspicious (i.e. only for citizenship). So take your time.
Why don't you talk it out with your parents first, ask them to introduce topics while meeting with the guy... maybe they can ask the questions and you can just listen and try to gauge how the person is.
^ Hah..... my husband asked me all kinds of questions (like these) when he came with his family to my house (before our marriage). It is a mature way of finding out how the other person thinks, in prospects for arranged marriages. You can't base everything on looks and money alone.
If you can't spend a lot of time getting to know someone then you have to be somewhat intrusive. You can get a lot of information from people if you ask the right questions, there is probably a list on this forum somewhere.
sorry to break it to you nami bhai, but it sure is a job interview. whether you are a husband or wife, its a life time job.
app zindagi k intay saal apnay app ko banay main isleya mhenat kerain k koe ayea or aik dum say app ko neechay gira day. or sirf app ko he nahi, app ke shaksiat ko, app k finances ko, app ko ideology ko.
if things are in your hands, then avail them wisely. there are many people who dont even have option have this option.
i am asking her to ask these questions cuz there is a 90-100% possibility guy wants to come abroad and explore different options in life, and since pakistan dont offer platforms to explore different venues whether we are talking in terms of career, or educational wise then its better to migrate.
but Pakistan (political instability) and also Pakistanis (visit visas staying here forever, or refuges) dont have good reputation so immigration process is also low, then why not marry a someone who already living there. its an easy way to get in to the system.
but the problem with guys over there is they think that girls living abroad are open mind. may be they are but then instead of forming a generalization, it is good formulate the consensus from person to person. but then ppl in Pakistan are also very formal. they wont gonna ask u, so its better to be confident and openly ask them their views. cuz not everyone here is a sl*t.
ps. dont forget to add him on facebook. facebook is also a good way to picture anyone :D.
even immigration ppl see it these days.
ps.2 your husband seems like a reasonable and logical person to me. mashaALLAH say. who wont blindly gonna hear you, or his mother-sisters or anyone else. and will act like a man, where he should be.
I've been through the same process, except I'm a guy. I met her, we had some talk then decided that we wanted to get married.
The main thing I would recommend is to make istikhara about it and then make the decision to marry someone or not.
What I talked about when I met my then potential wife was that I pretty much described who I am, what my expectations would be, what my goals, what's important to me etc. and tried to find out the same type of things about her.
Whoever you find in Pakistan, will no doubt be marrying you for the foreign passport, nothing else. Whether hes a matriculate, or a Phd, his primary motive will be to get a foreign passport. It will have very little to do with you, your personality, or love.
If you doubt the above, suggest your prospective matches that you will be living with them in Pakistan after marriage, and see their response.
… ma koi dulhan hoon 