losing temper is one thing but becoming aggressive and destructive as a result of it is certainly loserish, a little possessiveness is ok, even ehalthy for a relationship, but when it reaches paranoia where u keep tabs on the other person and dictate their social circle it turns loserish, alternating between extreme mean and sweet cycles is also not normal, a reasonable person is consistent in his/her behaviour! I don;t know how anyone can justify the outlined behaviour in anyway. these things get worse over time, you only get a sign here and there when the person is courting u and once they have bagged you they you r in for a treat! The article tells you to look out for recurring patterns of the above mentioned traits in a person and steer clear of them while you can. Pretty simple, no?
You are right.
Mild symptoms are very common, but this article is stressing on when a certain line has been crossed consistently on several of those traits.
Thing is that the one who is suffering does actually know she/he is in a stinking relationship. Why they dont get out of it??
- Fear of social stigma
- Fear of being alone...possibly forever
- No self-confidence to carry out the separation process
- Inertia...thinking that at least I am ok and nothing "really" bad has happend to me this time. This inertia will only rid itself when they come across a possibly life-threating or other eye opener situation where something snaps...or from some outside intervention.
**Mall **For the sake of your future baby dont take the risk of falling pregnant unless your relationship can stabilise (if it can). Children suffer unbelievably...It will hurt you more than anything you have experienced.
It may seem "Bollywood" like symptoms, but some incredible things do happen in real life. If you think that these things happen on screen and in fiction, then please thank God for your situation!
I have the misfortune of marryin a loser... he perfectly fits each and every point mentioned here. i cry and cry and cry. i tried shutting my mouth... he gets angry at the slightest things and blames me for his violent outbursts. i m only prayin things change after we have a baby but i m not sure they will. i dread each and every day what my baby would witness.. disrespect, disregard for me and anger and insult targeted at me... thaz the prb with asian societies... we marry, we have to adjust, period.. life is so painful and having a bad life partner, makes life hell....
WHY are you having a baby with this man? Seriously?
...
It may seem "Bollywood" like symptoms, but some incredible things do happen in real life. If you think that these things happen on screen and in fiction, then please thank God for your situation!
who me? Not at all, if I thought these were only onscreen personality traits I would not have bothered posting this here. My bollywood reference was in regards to the fact that many of these personality traits are portrayed through the hot-headed, angry-young-man hero types in the movies, and since these are just movies magical things happen and the heroine is able to transform and correct the hero's behaviour one way or the other. I think this portrayal takes a toll on the viewers in the sense that the guys get a msg that being this way is sorta cool and impressive, hero-like and the girls get the message that idiotic losers like these guys can be 'changed' and made better persons only if they hang in there long enough and be patient with these guys. Similarly for guys, shrews with a sky-high ego can be made to melt with a two liner romantic dialogue delivery in the 12th try if not earlier. In real life I don't think people change that easy, it takes a life-time for someone of this sort to change. If you spend your entire youth putting up with crap and your husband/wife finally changes in 2 decades after the kids are grown I dunno if thats really worth it.
Maybe its tougher for people who are already with such people to break apart and move on for the reasons you mentioned and more, but I hope it can help some others identify a potential loser before they take the plunge and its too late, especially knowing how damaging it can be....not only for the spouse of the loser but also for the kids. You are never 'stuck', there is always a way out. There is no glory in staying in such a marriage. It may be relatively convenient for them, for the time being but the long term implications are far more damaging. They owe it to their kids if no one else. But if they continue to think that their life is worth this so-called 'sacrifice' and willingly allow themselves to be punished on a daily basis then there's nothing u can say to make them see things.
hmmm.. people do lose their temper 2-3 times in a life-time... and I dont classify that as being a loser.
Ive seen the most calmest of people losing it (due to stress and over-tiredness) and i would NEVER classify them as losers..
Sadzz i would advise you to read the article before commenting. You clearly have no idea what its about.
Femme, I remember as a kid I used to be very afraid of my father because he had a horrible temper. He could get ticked off at the smallest thing. He was a great guy otherwise, a good provider, play with us and all and everything but somehow, he had no control over his temper, especially toward my mom. Secretly, I was not just afraid of him but started wishing he wasn't around much.
My mom was very tolerant and patient but I'd often see her crying while she was working in the kitchen or doing something but she'd never complain.
When I was around 20, my dad went through major heart surgery and he almost lost his life. I guess things turned around after that. He is now the most calm and polite person and if you neet him, you'd think I made up stories about his temper.
I don't know what changed him but I can totally understand how hard it must be for my mom to have gone through that. I recently asked her how she tolerated it and she said she focused on all his strengths during those moments but there were times she wished time would stop.
who me? Not at all, if I thought these were only onscreen personality traits I would not have bothered posting this here. My bollywood reference was in regards to the fact that many of these personality traits are portrayed through the hot-headed, angry-young-man hero types in the movies, and since these are just movies magical things happen and the heroine is able to transform and correct the hero's behaviour one way or the other. I think this portrayal takes a toll on the viewers in the sense that the guys get a msg that being this way is sorta cool and impressive, hero-like and the girls get the message that idiotic losers like these guys can be 'changed' and made better persons only if they hang in there long enough and be patient with these guys. Similarly for guys, shrews with a sky-high ego can be made to melt with a two liner romantic dialogue delivery in the 12th try if not earlier. In real life I don't think people change that easy, it takes a life-time for someone of this sort to change. If you spend your entire youth putting up with crap and your husband/wife finally changes in 2 decades after the kids are grown I dunno if thats really worth it.
Maybe its tougher for people who are already with such people to break apart and move on for the reasons you mentioned and more, but I hope it can help some others identify a potential loser before they take the plunge and its too late, especially knowing how damaging it can be....not only for the spouse of the loser but also for the kids. You are never 'stuck', there is always a way out. There is no glory in staying in such a marriage. It may be relatively convenient for them, for the time being but the long term implications are far more damaging. They owe it to their kids if no one else. But if they continue to think that their life is worth this so-called 'sacrifice' and willingly allow themselves to be punished on a daily basis then there's nothing u can say to make them see things.
Sadzz i would advise you to read the article before commenting. You clearly have no idea what its about.
In that case FF, I wasnt the only one who has no idea :) cheers
Everyone acts like atleast one of the things mentioned on the list at some point or the other in their lives. Noone is saying THAT's bad.. however, if it becomes extreme or out of control to the point where you're hurting your spouse constantly, that's when it's wrong. It doesn't mean that you should leave your spouse or vice versa, it's just a sign that it's time for you to analyze your behavior and CHANGE.. for the better. Why are people here having such a difficult time understanding that?
Some people may start thinking they are in a "loser" relationship. I just pointed out that people do have outbursts, but obviously extreme behaviour is not acceptable.
I dont understand the need to make people feel bad just cus they are making those statements.
^I don't remember reading any of that by you previously.. but I did read this:
hmmm.. people do lose their temper 2-3 times in a life-time... and I dont classify that as being a loser.
Ive seen the most calmest of people losing it (due to stress and over-tiredness) and i would NEVER classify them as losers..
It doesn't say anywhere on the list that doing those things 2-3 times classifies anyone as a loser, it's clearly stated that going to the extreme of those characteristics does. Like I said before, everyone goes through their mood swings, etc but if that's how you (not you, generally speaking) are everyday and ARE infact making those around you unhappy, does not mean that it's 'acceptable' in any way or people should get accustomed to it. It means you need to change yourself because it's an act of selfishness and noone deserves to deal with that crap.
Femme, I remember as a kid I used to be very afraid of my father because he had a horrible temper. He could get ticked off at the smallest thing. He was a great guy otherwise, a good provider, play with us and all and everything but somehow, he had no control over his temper, especially toward my mom. Secretly, I was not just afraid of him but started wishing he wasn't around much.
My mom was very tolerant and patient but I'd often see her crying while she was working in the kitchen or doing something but she'd never complain.
When I was around 20, my dad went through major heart surgery and he almost lost his life. I guess things turned around after that. He is now the most calm and polite person and if you neet him, you'd think I made up stories about his temper.
I don't know what changed him but I can totally understand how hard it must be for my mom to have gone through that. I recently asked her how she tolerated it and she said she focused on all his strengths during those moments but there were times she wished time would stop.
same here NIKSIK
when i was little, i never lived with my dad as he was in aus and we didnt had visa than, i have heard of stories from my mum and family about my dad's temper. whole khandan was so afraid of dad's temper. but than after 10 years we came to live with dad, he wasnt what we were told. we became so frank with him and used to watch indian movies with him. when asked how he changed he said that living away from his for so many years changed him totally and he didnt had any chance of seeing his childrens growingup, he cant waste any time now.
my dad's elder brother had same temper. to be honest, he had big ego and looked down to every one as he is so rich. than when my couisn had a baby son, he completey changed. his own kids used to be scared to talk to him and now they discuss their wedding and rishta's with their dad. he is so down to earth now. and mixes with everyone.
he never was close to his kids and now he wants to spend every second with his grandson.
I have the misfortune of marryin a loser... he perfectly fits each and every point mentioned here. i cry and cry and cry. i tried shutting my mouth... he gets angry at the slightest things and blames me for his violent outbursts. i m only prayin things change after we have a baby but i m not sure they will. i dread each and every day what my baby would witness.. disrespect, disregard for me and anger and insult targeted at me... thaz the prb with asian societies... we marry, we have to adjust, period.. life is so painful and having a bad life partner, makes life hell....
sorry this is out of context, once my aunty told her hubby who wouldnt listen to her that she is going to ask her kids,when they grow up, to beat him up and take revenge for her sufferings.
thank you for ur support! finally someone who knows what i m going thru... all the other ppl are quick to give advice and stuff but have no idea how difficult it is to hold on to a marriage.. I am hoping he will change but if he doesnt, my luck.. ive learnt one thing in life... u cant change others but urself... if he remains this way, i will change.. period. i will try as much as i can to save my marriage.
i can totally understand and feel your point. inititally when i had problems with my hubby, i was told he will change or this will happen if you this or do that and it will be ok, but no one understood my point, feelings and what i was going through. i had times when even i was standing in middle of 30 people, i couldnt see or hear even one.
no one can understand unless one is in similar position. there will be many to blame you or ask you to understand or make adjustments but no one understands what you are going through because they are not in your situation.
i can totally understand and feel your point. inititally when i had problems with my hubby, i was told he will change or this will happen if you this or do that and it will be ok, but no one understood my point, feelings and what i was going through. i had times when even i was standing in middle of 30 people, i couldnt see or hear even one.
no one can understand unless one is in similar position. there will be many to blame you or ask you to understand or make adjustments but no one understands what you are going through because they are not in your situation.
thanks alot for the kind words... yeah, as i said, no one will know the torment i go thru each day. its not easy but we have no other choice. where r u frm aiklarki??
I agree. FF, I think it was definitely good of you to put this up :) Some of the behaviour described for the loser is also very bollywood-ish, I must say.
FF...Sorry if you misunderstood my post regarding Bollywood like symptoms. I was referring to many who have not (fortunately for them) come across people who are capable of such behaviour.
who me? Not at all, if I thought these were only onscreen personality traits I would not have bothered posting this here. .
sorry this is out of context, once my aunty told her hubby who wouldnt listen to her that she is going to ask her kids,when they grow up, to beat him up and take revenge for her sufferings.
You know, it's quite interesting, but this actually did happen back in my village! There was this loser guy who was always beating his wife up, or abusing her. When their sons became of age, they kept warning him not to do it, or he will regret the consequences. He didn't listen, and they locked him up in a room, and beat him!! That was a few years back.
Of course in this case, the lady didn't request her sons to intervene.
