Are You engaged/married to a LOSER?

[honey_buney]

Re: Are You engaged/married to a LOSER?

well i have to say and i am totally shocked to say that i have few of these traits.and although i wont call myself a loser,i will try to change and be a good wife.and mall i have seen people like you around me and i know how very difficult it is to hang in there.but i can tell you one thing from my experience.if he is gonna be a good father,he will also turn out to be a good hubby sooner or later.be strong.

[Sara516]

You know, it's quite interesting, but this actually did happen back in my village! There was this loser guy who was always beating his wife up, or abusing her. When their sons became of age, they kept warning him not to do it, or he will regret the consequences. He didn't listen, and they locked him up in a room, and beat him!! That was a few years back.

Of course in this case, the lady didn't request her sons to intervene.

This reminds me of a story someone posted here not too long ago, i think someone made a speech at a masjid about how a woamn was constantly being beaten by her husband butthen when her childreN grew up, they stuck by her and took care of her and that was her reward for being so patient. I believe most of the ppl who listened to it were upset b/c the speech implied that abused women shoudl stick it out rather than divorce.

[mall]

well i have to say and i am totally shocked to say that i have few of these traits.and although i wont call myself a loser,i will try to change and be a good wife.and mall i have seen people like you around me and i know how very difficult it is to hang in there.but i can tell you one thing from my experience.if he is gonna be a good father,he will also turn out to be a good hubby sooner or later.be strong.

thanks for the encouragin words. i m counting on it i suppose...the irony is he is gr8 with his parents, and all the ppl (even the strangers and beggars) but he mistreats me... that is why i have no one to turn to cus they wudnt believe me ever! ive made mistakes early on in marriage and said mean things abt his mom and family... but now it is all over, since more than a year or so i dun bring issues up but i guess its just the image that he has that i m negative and all that.... i m struggling each day to be gud with him but something wud make him angry and he wud abuse me. its really bad.

[PhatBalongri]

thanks alot for the kind words... yeah, as i said, no one will know the torment i go thru each day. its not easy but we have no other choice. where r u frm aiklarki??

Why don't you have another choice? Are you afraid you are not gonna get married again? Are you financially dependent on him? Have you talked to your family about this abuse? Have you told them how unhappy you are?

There is not a single reason for you to stick with this guy. I know the way our society and culture works. But whats more important to you, image or your own hapiness? Are other idiots so important to you that you are willing to go through hell? Bring your child into this hell? There is only one person that understands you and only one person that can help you, that is you. Trust me, once you have decided to help yourself everything else will fall in place and I am sure your family will be there to support you.

I know its a difficult step to take or to even think about it. But you can't sit there and hope that things will change, you have to make them change yourself. Has he even shown any signs he will ever change? Or is it just all wishful thinking in your head? Have you even ever sat down with him and told him how you feel? How you want him to treat you? How the things he says hurt you?

[saraali]

you really do not have to put up with this mate.. and you certainly do not want to ring a baby into that env..

get out of it know when you can start your life over.. the longer you live like that the harder it gets.

I have the misfortune of marryin a loser... he perfectly fits each and every point mentioned here. i cry and cry and cry. i tried shutting my mouth... he gets angry at the slightest things and blames me for his violent outbursts. i m only prayin things change after we have a baby but i m not sure they will. i dread each and every day what my baby would witness.. disrespect, disregard for me and anger and insult targeted at me... thaz the prb with asian societies... we marry, we have to adjust, period.. life is so painful and having a bad life partner, makes life hell....

[CE]

Re: Are You engaged/married to a LOSER?

what a scary thread....

[cat-woman]

Re: Are You engaged/married to a LOSER?

great thread :k: thanks FF

[shweetdreamz]

@geek

To the confessing LOSERs, in case you haven’t noticed, it’s perfectly normal for you to think that this is all normal :

[shweetdreamz]

Re: Are You engaged/married to a LOSER?

in regards to "frightening tempers" and "paranoid control" its frightening ....i actually know girls that LIKE men like that. go figure.

[somehowcollide]

Re: Are You engaged/married to a LOSER?

Mall, whatever happened to you? Thank you for being open and honest with everyone on this thread. Whether we agree with you or not, you definitely have a very unique perspective and I think there is a lot of value in your sharing your thoughts and experiences.

My prayers are with anyone who finds themselves in a dysfunctional relationship with a "loser." Inshallah they will find moments of genuine peace and happiness in their lives.

[Iggle]

@Femme_Fatale

It’s mandatory for all guppy/guppans to read this and those that have read this will lose all whining rights for life1 cuz they have been warned! If u are already living with a person like this please seek help and don’t beat yourself up for something that is not your fault, yes it is NOT your fault. A highly recommended read!

Are you dating a Loser? Identify Losers, Controllers and Abusers in Relationship
“The Loser” is a type of partner that creates much social, emotional and psychological damage in a relationship. “The Loser” has permanent personality characteristics that create this damage. These are characteristics that they accept simply as the way they are and not a problem or psychological difficulty. In one sense, they have always lived with this personality and behavior, and it is often something they learned from their relatives/family. Psychologists usually treat the victims of “The Loser”, women or men who arrive at the office severely depressed with their self-confidence and self-esteem totally destroyed.

The following list is an attempt to outline the characteristics of “The Loser” and provide a manner in which women and men can identify potentially damaging relationships before they are themselves severely damaged emotionally or even physically. If your partner possesses even one of these features, there is risk in the relationship. More than three of these indicators and you are involved with “The Loser” in a very high risk relationship that will eventually create damage to you. When a high number of these features are present – it’s not a ‘probably’ or a ‘possibly’, You will be hurt and damaged by “The Loser” if you stay in the relationship.

1.Quick Attachment and Expression: “The Loser” has very shallow emotions and connections with others. One of the things that might attract you to “The Loser” is how quickly he or she says “I Love You” or wants to marry or commit to you. Typically, in less than a few weeks of dating you’ll hear that you’re the love of their life, they want to be with you forever, and they want to marry you. You’ll receive gifts, a variety of promises, and be showered with their attention and nice gestures. This is the “honeymoon phase” – where they catch you and convince you that they are the best thing that ever happened to you. Remember the business saying “If it’s too good to be true it probably is (too good to be true)!” You may be so overwhelmed by this display of instant attraction, instant commitment, and instant planning for the future that you’ll miss the major point – it doesn’t make sense!! Normal, healthy individuals require a long process to develop a relationship because there is so much at stake. Healthy individuals will wait for a long time and a lot of information before offering a commitment – not three weeks. It’s true that we can become infatuated with others quickly – but not make such unrealistic promises and have the future planned after three conversations! The rapid warm-up is always a sign of shallow emotions which later cause “The Loser” to detach from you as quickly as they committed. “The Loser” typically wants to marry you in less than four weeks or very early in the relationship.

2.Frightening Temper: “The Loser” has a scary temper. If your boyfriend or girlfriend blows up and does dangerous things, like driving too fast because they’re mad, breaking/throwing things, getting into fights, or threatening others – that temper will soon be turned in your direction. In the beginning of the relationship, you will be exposed to “witnessed violence” – fights with others, threats toward others, angry outbursts at others, etc. You will also hear of violence in their life. You will see and witness this temper – throwing things, yelling, cursing, driving fast, hitting the walls, and kicking things. That quickly serves to intimidate you and cause you to fear their potential for violence, although “The Loser” quickly assures you that they are angry at others or situations, not at you. At first, you will be assured that they will never direct the hostility and violence at you. But they are clearly letting you know that they have that ability and capability – and that it might come your way. Later, you fear challenging or confronting them – fearing that same temper and violence will be turned in your direction.

3.Killing Your Self-Confidence: “The Loser” repeatedly puts you down. They constantly correct your slight mistakes, making you feel “on guard”, unintelligent, and leaving you with the feeling that you are always doing something wrong. They tell you that you’re too fat, too unattractive, or don’t talk correctly or look good. This gradual chipping away at your confidence and self-esteem allows them to treat you badly later – as though you deserved it. In public, you will be “walking on eggshells” – always fearing you are doing or saying something that will later create a temper outburst or verbal argument.

4.Cutting Off Your Support: In order to control someone completely, you must cut off their supportive friends – sometimes even their family. “The Loser” feels your friends and family might influence you or offer negative opinions about their behavior. “The Loser” begins by telling you these friends treat you badly, take advantage of you, and don’t understand the special nature of the love you share with them. In some cases, if they can’t get rid of your best same-sex friend, “The Loser” will claim he or she made a pass at them. If you talk to your friends or family, “The Loser” will punish you by asking multiple questions or making nasty accusations. Eventually, rather than face the verbal punishment, interrogation, and abuse, you’ll develop the feeling that it’s better not to talk to family and friends. You will withdraw from friends and family, prompting them to become upset with you. “The Loser” then tells you they are treating you badly again and you’d be better to keep your distance from them. Once you are isolated and alone, without support, their control over you can increase.

5.The Mean and Sweet Cycle: “The Loser” cycles from mean to sweet and back again. The cycle starts when they are intentionally hurtful and mean. You may be verbally abused, cursed, and threatened over something minor. Suddenly, the next day they become sweet, doing all those little things they did when you started dating. You hang on, hoping each mean-then-sweet cycle is the last one. The other purpose of the mean cycle is to allow “The Loser” to say very nasty things about you or those you care about, again chipping away at your self-esteem and self-confidence. “The Loser” often apologizes, but the damage to your self-esteem is already done – exactly as planned.

6.It’s Always Your Fault: “The Loser” blames you for their anger as well as any other behavior that is incorrect. When they cheat on you, yell at you, treat you badly, damage your property, or embarrass you publicly – it’s somehow your fault. If you are ten minutes late for a date, it’s your fault that the male loser drives 80 miles per hour, runs people off the road, and pouts the rest of the evening. “The Loser” tells you their anger and misbehavior would not have happened if you had not made some simple mistake, had loved them more, or had not questioned their behavior. “The Loser” never, repeat never, takes personal responsibility for their behavior – it’s always the fault of someone else. If they drive like a maniac and try to pull an innocent driver off the highway to assault them – it’s actually the fault of the other driver (not his), as they didn’t use a turn signal when they changed lanes. They give you the impression that you had it (anger, yelling, assault) coming and deserved the anger, violence, pouting, or physical display of aggression.

7.Breakup Panic: “The Loser” panics at the idea of breaking up – unless it’s totally their idea, and then you’re dropped like a hot rock. Abusive boyfriends often break down and cry, they plead, they promise to change, and they offer marriage/trips/gifts when you threaten to end the relationship. Both male and female losers may threaten suicide, threaten to return to old sweethearts (who feel lucky they’re gone!), or threaten to quit their job and leave the area – as though you will be responsible for those decisions. “The Loser” offers a multitude of “deals” and halfway measures, like “Let’s just date one more month!”

They shower you with phone calls, often every five minutes, hoping that you will make an agreement or see them just to stop the telephone harassment. Some call your relatives, your friends, their friends, and anyone else they can think of – telling those people to call you and tell you how much they love you. Creative losers often create so much social pressure that the victim agrees to go back to the bad relationship rather than continue under the social pressure. Imagine trying to end a relationship and receiving tearful calls from all his or her relatives (they secretly hope you’ll keep them so they don’t have to), seeing a plea for your return in the newspaper or even on a local billboard, receiving flowers at work each day, or having them arrive at your place of work and offer you a wedding ring (male loser technique) or inform you that they might be pregnant (female loser technique) in front of your coworkers! Their reaction is emotionally intense, a behavior they use to keep you an emotional prisoner. If you go back to them, you actually fear a worse reaction if you threaten to leave again (making you a prisoner) and they later frequently recall the incident to you as further evidence of what a bad person you are. Remember, if your prize dog jumps the fence and escapes, when you get him back you build a higher fence. Once back in the grasp of “The Loser” – escape will be three times as difficult the next time.

8.Paranoid Control: “The Loser” will check up on you and keep track of where you are and who you are with. If you speak to a member of the opposite sex, you receive twenty questions about how you know them. If you don’t answer their phone call, you are asked where you were, what were you doing, who you were talking to, etc. They will notice the type of mud on your car, question why you shop certain places, and question why you called a friend, why the friend called you, and so forth. Some losers follow you to the grocery, then later ask if you’ve been there in an attempt to catch you in a lie. In severe cases, they go through your mail, look through your purse/wallet, hit your redial on the phone when they arrive, or search through your garbage for evidence. High-tech losers may encourage you to make “private” calls to friends from their residence, calls that are being secretly taped for later reference. They may begin to tell you what to wear, what to listen to in music, and how to behave in public. Eventually, they tell you that you cannot talk to certain friends or acquaintances, go certain places, or talk about certain issues in public. If no date is planned on Friday night, “The Loser” will inform you that they will call you that night – sometime. That effectively keeps you home, awaiting the call, fearing the verbal abuse and questions you might receive if you weren’t home for the call. This technique allows “The Loser” to do what they want socially, at the same time controlling your behavior from a distance.

9.It’s Never Enough: “The Loser” convinces you that you are never quite good enough. You don’t say “I love you” enough, you don’t stand close enough, you don’t do enough for them after all their sacrifices, and your behavior always falls short of what is expected. This is another method of destroying your self-esteem and confidence. After months of this technique, they begin telling you how lucky you are to have them – somebody who tolerates someone so inadequate and worthless as you.

10.Public Embarrassment: In an effort to keep you under control while in public, “The Loser” will lash out at you, call you names, or say cruel or embarrassing things about you in private or in front of people. When in public, you quickly learn that any opinion you express may cause them to verbally attack you, either at the time or later. If you stay with “The Loser” too long, you’ll soon find yourself politely smiling, saying nothing, and holding on to their arm when in public. You’ll also find yourself walking with your head down, fearful of seeing a friend who might speak to you and create an angry reaction in “The Loser”.

11.Discounted Feelings/Opinions: “The Loser” is so self-involved and self-worshipping that the feelings and opinions of others are considered worthless. As the relationship continues and you begin to question what you are feeling or seeing in their behavior, you will be told that your feelings and opinions don’t make sense, they’re silly, and that you are emotionally disturbed to even think of such things. “The Loser” has no interest in your opinion or your feelings – but they will be disturbed and upset that you dare question their behavior. “The Loser” is extremely hostile toward criticism and often reacts with anger or rage when their behavior is questioned.

All those points! Shocking! Sounds like they were written for my Mother in law! Gwad bless her!

[CM]

Re: Are You engaged/married to a LOSER?

How many of those are required to define a loser? Because even casually glancing at these forums, some of the women here should take these points to heart and work to better themselves.

[shahwaiz]

I have the misfortune of marryin a loser... he perfectly fits each and every point mentioned here. i cry and cry and cry. i tried shutting my mouth... he gets angry at the slightest things and blames me for his violent outbursts. i m only prayin things change after we have a baby but i m not sure they will. i dread each and every day what my baby would witness.. disrespect, disregard for me and anger and insult targeted at me... thaz the prb with asian societies... we marry, we have to adjust, period.. life is so painful and having a bad life partner, makes life hell....

i agree with the sharing of this incident.there are many pakistani women or may b asians who live and pass their life with such circumstances. our male-oriented society calls such beings as normal ones. i have been to many families n have sadly found even the educated ones with such traits and the elders advice the women to bare this as our society has no place for the divorcees. the asian world is still far behind in views and our males are still fostered with such notions
i have my deepest feelings with u and unlike others i am not going to advice u of getting rid of such person as i can easily imagine the real situation, so what i can say is to plz invlove urself in sum healthy activities once now u know the diseased person and at times v ourself bcum the victims by unconsciously absorbing such qualities. just save urself and ur future generation although it seems very difficult but still u can't segregate urself from that victim.

[shahwaiz]

Why don't you have another choice? Are you afraid you are not gonna get married again? Are you financially dependent on him? Have you talked to your family about this abuse? Have you told them how unhappy you are?

There is not a single reason for you to stick with this guy. I know the way our society and culture works. But whats more important to you, image or your own hapiness? Are other idiots so important to you that you are willing to go through hell? Bring your child into this hell? There is only one person that understands you and only one person that can help you, that is you. Trust me, once you have decided to help yourself everything else will fall in place and I am sure your family will be there to support you.

I know its a difficult step to take or to even think about it. But you can't sit there and hope that things will change, you have to make them change yourself. Has he even shown any signs he will ever change? Or is it just all wishful thinking in your head? Have you even ever sat down with him and told him how you feel? How you want him to treat you? How the things he says hurt you?

i would like to clarify that v r talking abt the Pakistani families where if u disscuss a respectable family brought up, the parents will try their best to have reconciliations and once a girls gets married, she sticks to it till the death. she has to somehow or the other cope and bear all the circumstances with patience. the 2nd marriage concept needs a lot of time and at times things get worst so it all is simple mere wording if v talk about the pakistani marriages. i have seen many well-groomed and educated families who advice their daughters to compromise and don't want to see them back home, the family pressure, the society and friends pressure,fear of the elders as they often quote their experiences, and god knows what else. v have to admit that it is a stark and bitter reality that v r affected and run by them in our family matters.

[Sheroz]

Re: Are You engaged/married to a LOSER?

Neither am i married nor am i engaged :shoaby: :shoaby: :shoaby:

[Reha]

Re: Are You engaged/married to a LOSER?

Mall, you're in my prayers and thoughts.

Shahwaiz, I dont agree with you because I know people who have left highly abusive marriages and are doing great now. They are remarried with children and everything. Its like the past never happened. They are also Muslim Pakistani families. However, it does take a certain amount of courage to take that step of leaving and admitting to the world that your marriage is not all peachy and you have serious problems.

Mall, I dont encourage staying with a man who is doing more good then bad. Thats just my personal opinion though.

[CE]

How many of those are required to define a loser? Because even casually glancing at these forums, some of the women here should take these points to heart and work to better themselves.

and how do u knw we already dont do tht?