Anyone lived together before marriage?

Straight_up · January 9, 2009, 2:12am

Re: Anyone lived together before marriage?

^ Everything.

Iggle · January 9, 2009, 3:58am

Sooooooooo true! Same goes to clubbing etc! All satan atmosphere!

FrozenFire · January 9, 2009, 4:16am

Re: Anyone lived together before marriage?

what a nasty thought, honestly. Do you really think desi parents will let their son/daughter live with the opposite gender under one roof? Think again.

Iggle · January 9, 2009, 4:25am

Re: Anyone lived together before marriage?

^ You would be surprised! Some do! My family in Karachi is very gora-like. They sent two cousins off to UK together to study and they are living together there and now they annouced to their families that they are getting married. They are Med students and some family members think they get away with it b/c of that reason! Also, my MIL and FIL act very traditional in front of people but are very liberal with their own children. Their eldest daughter (Doc) was falling in love with her 1st cousin (Doc) years back...and her parents allowed her to go out with him for hours and even on long drives to Muree. My MIL's neice fell pregnant (she was married but was having an affair...) and was very close to my in-laws. She came to my inlaws for help, openly told her problem to them...they said no probs and paid for her abortion!

Then my other cousin was living with her partner while she was studying in London. There it is common to live 1st year in shared halls which uni gives you and then you have to find flat-mates to share a rented house with etc. Anyway after 1st year she moved in together with friends. She couldn't find muslim girls to move in with b/c most commuted from home and 80% of her course was Hindu! So rest house mates were Hindu and one Muslim guy. Eventually they both realised that they liked eachother. Both Docs too by the way and married. Amazingly their fam's knew, accepted it all and paid the rent! Hehe!

I am not judging them at all and they are all wonderful indivuals but I am just answering to this thread. It is their lives and I wish that they are all happy with their lives. Just telling you that some 1st generation parents are really 'cool' and liberal about such things as much as it does shock others.

While I was in uni living in shared halls, there were so many 'Muslim' couples. We had separate rooms but shared bathrooms and kicthen. So for the couples it felt like they were living with eachother!

TeenDabbyWala · January 9, 2009, 4:59am

Desis in 1850's

Desis in 1930's

Not all, but many desis in the 1960's and 1970's

If all of the above is possible, as time passes, then why isn't living together possible? It will soon become common too. Maybe it's considered a taboo by desis, but in about 20 years probably not.

Reha · January 9, 2009, 5:02am

Re: Anyone lived together before marriage?

TeenDabbyWala...Ive always been curious about your nick...whats in your dabbies?

NaMaan · January 9, 2009, 6:54am

Re: Anyone lived together before marriage?

Women keep the house clean :p

and yea plus not too loud either :)

Straight_up · January 9, 2009, 7:38am

Re: Anyone lived together before marriage?

TDW: You are speaking about pre-marital live-in/common-law relationships like they are some sort of a positive, progressive thing! You sound like you’re hoping it will become common soon.

cat-woman · January 9, 2009, 7:39am

Re: Anyone lived together before marriage?

I live with 2 guys

but I also live with 2 girls

So we’re a happy family of 5. But our house is huge, we’ve got our own rooms, ensuite bathrooms, common kitchen, lounge area, pool room, swimming pool and big yard.

3 of them are gorey. And 1 is indian then there’s me.

My parents have visited us, my parents friends (desi uncles and aunties - the liberal ones have visited me) and the boys are quite respectful. It helps that we’re all professionals and work full time - more sense of maturity.

Skittlez · January 9, 2009, 7:40am

Re: Anyone lived together before marriage?

My parents lived together for quite some time before finally getting married. It worked out ok considering their circumstances but I wouldnt recommend it to anyone.

somehowcollide · January 9, 2009, 10:59am

Interesting Riya. My father moved to the US and sent for my mother while they were engaged. They lived in the US for 6 months before their marriage. They maintain that they each had their own apartment, but lets be honest, for two engaged twenty-somethings working minimum wage jobs it would be very difficult to live apart, especially when their parents and anyone they have ever known lives on the other side of the country.

I know four (Muslim) couples who have lived together. Two ultimately broke up and two are currently engaged (they got engaged after moving in together.) One of the couples were platonic friends and roommates initally but ended up falling for each other (they broke up). In all cases the parents are aware of situation (although it is never openly discussed or acknowledged) and they still treat their children with the same respect and kindness. The mentality is that their children are going to do whatever they want to do anyway (they are old enough and have their own income) so it is best that these things are not done behind the parents' backs. Obviously, there was a lot of gossiping and chit-chat when this happened, but eventually everyone got tired of talking about it.

I say, to each his own. In the larger scheme of things they are not hurting anyone by their actions and thus, there are much bigger things in this world for us to be worried about.

Sheroz · January 9, 2009, 12:20pm

Violations of Pakistani airspace

Why are people finding this topic so offensive? If there can be numerous threads about adultery, molestation and even constant revivals of years old threads on sex and prostitutions, why is suddenly this thread so ‘tauba tauba’? lol.

It’s a given that live in relationships are haram and will never be accepted in the desi culture but the fact is, they do happen. A couple of people I know have done it without their parents knowing, the most easy way to get away with it is if you’re in uni and living away from home. There’s also a sad, sad story that I know of: There’s a desi family who’s been living here since the last 35 years or so. Very well off people and both the parents are extremely religious. When we first met the mother, it was obvious how strict she is about following religion and all so imagine the surprise when we found out that her kids are totally the opposite. Her oldest one was ‘rumored’ to have lived with some hispanic guy earlier who later dumped her and she returned back to her parents. Finally after some time, she agreed to get married and they found her some guy from Pakistan who was here on some kind of visa thing to work. The two of them met, liked each other and a small Nikkah was done. His family did not participate because they were in Pakistan and a year later, they had a beautiful son. Anyway, a couple of years down the road, the husband found out about his wife’s previous live in relationship. Noone knows how and when but instead of asking her about it or saying anything, he withdrew all the money from bank accounts, her jewelry from locker, and basically anything and everything he could get his hands on, and then told his wife he was going to Pakistan because his mother was very sick. The wife said okay and he left. She went to the bank later on to find out nothing was there anymore. She tried calling him but no answer. She would call his house in Pakistan who would hang up the phone as soon as they would hear her voice. Finally after 3 weeks, she went to Pakistan with her son and brother, and that’s when the husband told her he didn’t want to even see her face because he found out all about her past. Now, she’s a single mom raising her son, very quiet and doesn’t really interact much with anyone.

I really hope that when people get into such situations, i.e live in relationships and all, they atleast should think about the outcomes in the future and also how much shame this can bring to their family. Especially girls because sadly in our culture, guys tend to get away with alot of things but as a female, you’re always held accountable for everything.

Sad story really…Her husband shouldve asked her before getting married to her…but i guess the hubby was a gold digger? i mean he married her probably coz of the money i guess? … Thats y i say there shoudnt be chut mangni paat biya…after engagement couple should spend some time together (at least 1 yr ) i would say…so that they both get to know each other, understand each other, nd u knw …

shahwaiz · January 9, 2009, 12:37pm

Re: Anyone lived together before marriage?

i believe in transparency, when v agree v believe on a relegion which has its do's and dont's then why to think of such loopholes? many of the young ppl think of it as a best way out for fun and enjoyment and yes there are many who r settled and have families but they will surely b having a lurking fear of the secrets.................... so the best option. do what u can afford and what ur set limits allow you, stay fair and at least have ur own personality.......

Gina · January 9, 2009, 1:29pm

I lived in a huge villa with 3 guys and 1 other girl and I was treated like royalty cuz I cud cook! :P

Monk · January 9, 2009, 2:41pm

they he thinks :that we think sleeping around is worng: is because we haven't "evolved".
After getting "evolved" we will think sleeping around would be ok.

That mentality I have seen before in our non-muslim neighbours.

Mamaof3 · January 9, 2009, 3:16pm

Re: Anyone lived together before marriage?

I think the original question is whether anyone has lived with their intended spouse prior to marriage rather than have you lived in a house with a person of the opposite sex.

This is one of the great divides between east and west.

In the east and in Islam, living together without marriage is forbidden and thats fine.

In the west, it is frowned upon (usually) but not strictly forbidden, even I think in christianity or judaism but not entirely sure about that. Even parents will accept a living-together arrangement in the hope that their child will find happiness.

The feeling in the west can tend to be more about finding the right partner, giving life together a try before taking the drastic step of marriage - which is a promise to spend the rest of your life together. It typically isnt all about wild sex and lack of morals.

To each his own yeah? No one can say eastern culture is better or western is better....they are DIFFERENT, with different rules and values. A westerner cannot really be expected to fully understand the concept of arranged marriages and separation of sexes and easterners cannot be expected to fully understand living together and love marriages because its so very different. But either one is ok within their own culture based on the morals and values that the parents provide - there are good people and bad people, good intentions and bad on both sides yeah?

midnighteyes · January 9, 2009, 6:38pm

For desis who put their "culture" over "religion", then yes, maybe with time it will become very normal and acceptable for a guy and girl to have a relationship and live together before marriage. For desis who put their "religion" before "culture", no it wont be, because it is clearly haram in Islam and time doesnt change that. Things you are mentioning being taboo in the past and then changing (like love marriages, talking on phone with suitor) are not even haram in Islam, if done properly and within guidelines, so you cant compare living with someone (and sleeping with, Im assuming thats what your post is about, not just being "flatmates") to talking on the phone with someone

Let_Uz_Chat · January 9, 2009, 6:41pm

Re: Anyone lived together before marriage?

I remember my Biology Teacher once telling us, he cohabits and never plans to ‘settle down’ as it’s not easy to afford a wife.

Chamak · January 9, 2009, 6:54pm

^:o what a nice way to live your life. Sad.

njgal · January 9, 2009, 6:55pm

^ Agree with you on that 100%.