This is a PERFECT example of how different perspectives and different lenses look at the exact same scenario completely different.
You’re thinking OMG, she’s loco and high maintenance for wanting to throw in the towel for a relationship each has invested 5 years in. Her actions, in not asking him for his input shows a lack of commitment and respect for HIM. To you, these are red flags because I assume you think she’s not giving the relationship the importance it deserves. And your perspective is not solely based on gender lines – both guys and girls may read the situation this way.
Other people, and again both guys and girls included, are looking at the original post and thinking: He is not asking, he’s demanding (whether they be small or big things) and he’s screaming and yelling to get his way and they see his actions as him disrespecting the girl and her family that way. We see his disrespect and behaviour as a red flag.
Again, we don’t know where the truth lies – but it just shows that the same situation has multiple perspectives.
have you not ever gotten into an argument? if it gets really heated yes it can lead to raising one’s voice and people often get emotional and when emotional very difficult to stay rational..people often say things they dont necessarily mean during the heat of moment..i think we’ve all done it before..yes when its constant and unprovoked it becomes a red flag, otherwise its just a heated argument and should not be used as a sole basis for ending a 5 year relationship
The first pieces of advice given to OP leaned toward thinking about ending the rishta. She decided to go with the suggestion that wedding stress is taking a toll on her and fiance as opposed to taking rash decisions. Seems she calmed down enough to get her wits about her and was able to see it from another, less emotional/rash perspective. So maybe she has realized something. Having gone through a family wedding last year…it’s madness…and it’s really easy to become tunnel-visioned. Happens to the best of us. It’s a good thing that OP wanted to slow down and get some perspective (to know if she’s being too sensitive or otherwise) instead of acting impulsively.
i don’t know where or what kinda girls you hang around with but majority of girls i know would be willing to put up with a lot if they’ve made a commitment. yeah there’s an odd few who are probably spoilt and pampered little madams, but i think most young women who have got their head screwed on right (even semi-just-about-semi right, like myself) know the difference between when to make a big deal about crap, and when to compromise or adjust.
anyway, OP chill out please. you’re being a little dramatic in my opinion. he’s changed? what, just cuz he’s giving you girls a taste of your own medicine by making a few “demands” about his wedding too? unless there’s stuff you’re missing out like he’s slowly becoming manipulative or controlling in other areas of life, just talk to him and ask where the huge interest in wedding details has come from or maybe just accomodate some of his ideas. some guys like being involved, and some don’t.
as for you thinking that he thinks low of you and your family, unless he has explicitly stated something to make you wonder otherwise, i think that has a lot more to say about you. you’ve been with the guy for five years, if he wanted to talk bad about your family or make you feel little about it then he would’ve done it by now, or at the very least he would’ve hinted at it. maybe it’s your own insecurity that you might need to take a look at.
Alright. That was a lot of reading and a lot of point of views. I can definitely see more clearly now. To answer some of the question : well all the wedding places where I live cost about the same. So he wasn’t demanding anything extravagant. So I see that I might have blown it out of proportion because I got tired of all the fighting. I just got really frustrated as I have a major life determining exam coming up in a few days and he wouldn’t put the arguments on hold. So another question was if I was making similar demands. I didn’t make any demands at all or even ask where the walima was being held. I don’t think I care as much maybe that’s why I don’t understand why he cares so much. And I totally get what one of you said about involving him. That person is absolutely right. I didn’t involve him in the decisions so I understand now why he got so upset after finding out about them. So definitely a communication problem.
My issue was more about him talking to me the way he’s been doing for a while now. Not about the content as much. I see what I might have done to trigger that. I really thought that creating drama about petty little things was more of a girls thing but I was wrong. I guess guys are worried about that stuff too nowadays.
Our families are the Same financially. But there’s just a difference that my family is more conservative than his. So they don’t like music and dances and stuff like that on weddings. And his family is a little more into it. Like someone said with scenario 1 and 2. It’s definitely not scenario 1. But scenario 2 hit home. I think he’s just worried that since he chose the girl, he just wants to make his family happy and do the shaadi the way they do shaadi’s in their family. Which I perceived as him disrespecting my family. I might have been wrong there. So yea. Because of all these different opinions I definitely see a lot clearer now. I can’t thank you guys enough. I understand no one’s perfect… and I see what things I could have done differently and I will in future. I did not expect such an overwhelming response.
unfortunately its always the little petty things that become big fights..very normal..it’s a stressful time for you as well, focus on your medical exam and dont worry too much until after the exam..after the exam, you can try apologizing to him and say something along the lines “im sorry for not keeping you in the loop, i made a mistake, i’ll keep you in the loop going forward, this is so dumb we’re fighting, we love each other, let’s enjoy our shaadi and not let the stressors get to us” just to diffuse the situation, that may cause him to tone it down as well and IA you two will enjoy your shaadi..best wishes to the both of you!
Pre-wedding time can be a bit stressful, the fact you guys have stuck together for five years is a very good thing. But don’t let matters simmer, if you have a problem then tell him there and then instead of it building up and you getting into a stressful state of mind. Good luck and best of wishes!
oh I read your reply now & I’m glad things worked out but in the scenario u mentioned my suggestion didnt apply anymore so edited it. Good luck for the wedding though!