Hey guys. I need your help. I’m a 24 year old old and I’ve been in a relationship with this guy for over 5 years. Our parents knew from the start and they were fine with it. Now we’re finally going to get married. And I feel like I’m making a mistake since he’s not what he used to be. He’s totally changed and now it just feels like he’s doing this for the sake of just getting married as part of social norms. Anyways he’s been acting really weird like creating issues everyday about where he wants the wedding, what he wants the wedding to be like and stuff along these lines. I don’t think he has a right to comment on these things because the girls parents decide these things. I’ve talked to my parents and we changed the wedding location to where he wanted it to be. Then he started issues about mehndi and dances on mehndi. My family isn’t into mehndi dances but they still agreed. And latest issue is photography. I told him I don’t want video on the wedding and then he started yelling at me.
He thinks he’s perfect and everything about him is perfect and his family. And we’re some sort of losers or something. I’ve tried talking to him but he doesn’t seem to think there’s a problem.
I’m worried because I chose him.. and now I feel like I can’t even back off. I don’t even know if I want to back off.
I studied medicine and worked really hard to get where I am in life because my biggest fear was ending up with a controlling and mean guy. I wanted to have a backup option like working so I don’t have to ask anyone for anything. But I feel like I made a huge mistake and I ended up exactly where I didn’t want to.
but then he’s supportive of my career too.. like he said he’d move to America If I get a job there. So I don’t know. Can someone please give me their point of view?
I mean he should just be happy that our parents agreed instantly. Am I being over sensitive?
Re: Am I making a mistake?
Figure the bold part out and you’ll have an idea of what to do.
There’s always an option to back out, sooner better than later in this case even if you chose him, but you need to think it through.
Re: Am I making a mistake?
… well kids these days!
Am I making a mistake?
Its easier to back out now instead of after the dotted line is signed! Have you tried speaking to him? Your comment about girls side decide only.. Well is it a joint day? Or two seperate functions? He cant dictate if your holding a sep reception but he should be allowed his input if irs a joint day. Theres a difference between gjving input and demanding. He seems to be the bridezilla! Lol
Speak to him. Speak to your parents. And decide whats best for you. Someetimes just because you have known someone for so long ultimatley they dont have to be “the one”
Re: Am I making a mistake?
It’s not joint functions. 3 seperate functions. Mehndi and wedding day we’re doing and he’s doing the walima. Yes that’s my point, they aren’t even suggestions or requests… they’re threats and demands. Definitely bridezilla syndrome. And the worst part is even though I went out of my way and convinced my parents on the things he wanted.. yet there is no thank you or happiness. The demands just keep on increasing. Or as he would say it… “suggestions” for “US”
Re: Am I making a mistake?
Talk and sort out things then take a decision and stick to it. Maybe not him but his parents are demanding? Guys do not get married just because its a social norm; they usually don’t have majburis like females, he wants to be with you that’s why he is supportive about your career also. In the end what do you want that’s what matters the most. Still confused? then do Istikhara. In fact it should be the first thing to do. All the best 
Re: Am I making a mistake?
Op, hopefully he doesn’t think of you and your family as losers…or he wouldn’t be marrying you in the first place. Shadi preps are super stressful; everyone tends to be on edge and it can bring out the ugly in people…and then that much awaited big day is over in the blink of an eye, lol.
I think it would be more worrying if he exhibited this behavior way before the shadi preps commenced. You know him better than us. If the change in attitude is recent, it could be that he’s also stressed with wedding plans.
Talk to him first before contemplating whether or not you should end this rishta. Calmly tell him that you want the wedding to be memorable for both of you and that this can only happen if you both compromise with one another. Remind him gently that your parents, just like his, have their own dreams about they want to do the mehndi and shadi and that you have to compromise with their wishes too. And also that there’s a diff between suggestions and demands and that they need to be expressed without yelling and drama. You both need to hear each other out. Instead of shooting down an idea..(be it making a video or whatever) …listen to each others reasons and opinions first. And maybe take some time to talk about other matters besides wedding preps for a bit…lighthearted matters…to ease the tension some.
Re: Am I making a mistake?
this guy for real? Sounds like a bridezilla lol.
Re: Am I making a mistake?
Alright thank you so much everyone. I got the solution. You guys really helped me with looking at things from another point of view. It might be the wedding stress driving us both crazy. Thank you redvelvet. I appreciate it. And mindless, Istahara sounds like a good idea. And you’re right too.
Re: Am I making a mistake?
I was going to say..this sounds like wedding stress. And i can’t believe some of the above posters just jump into suggestion to end the marriage. Even if the OP is bit upset..best thing is to first understand the problem and encourage OP to talk to her fiance clearly and make a plan. And OP..i pray for the best for you and your family. Insha’Allah..talk to your fiance..and have twaakul in Allah. Things will be fine..
From guys perspective, your fiance is stressed out as well. His family does videography, mehndi and all that..so what. Find the middle medium which works out for your fiance and yourself. Like i said..wedding is stressful already..make this best memory for you and him.
Re: Am I making a mistake?
While im not condoning his handling of the situation because he isn’t handling it the best way either, but since you’re here I’ll direct my advice to you. I was taken aback by your comment “He doesnt have a right to comment on wedding proceedings.” Wow id be upset also if my future wife took such a mindset and told me I had no right to comment on our wedding. Be very careful of making statements like “it’s my mehndi” “my shaadi”..theyre very divisive comments..while yes youre side is paying for it and organizing it..but its your responsibility as his future wife that he at least be FELT that you’re seeking his input and advice and is involved in the proceedings from the BEGINNING..and why do his suggestions bother you so much..he will be your husband after all and yes it should be a “team effort”. It’s all about perception and how your partner is perceiving your actions. Yes you did ultimately take his input which is a big deal but make sure you’re taking his input from the beginning which doesn’t seem like you did if you had to change wedding locations after the fact , dont wait for him to get annoyed before seeking his input, should have involved him from the beginning, seems like it’ll make him happy and something that he clearly values. There is a smart way to handle things and a way to make things worse–youre doing the latter. It’s all about making the other person feel respected, a priority and happy while still getting your way. By now you should have known what makes him happy what are his triggers that get him upset what are his likes and dislikes. His happiness should be your happiness and vice versa. This is not a form of control, it’s having natural, selfless, loving feelings for your partner and adopting a collaborative manner.
The fact that you’re thinking of breaking off a 5 year relationship during marriage plans over relatively minor issues is much more telling on your part. Fix your mindset before marrying him, make sure youre ready to view him as your priority and partner in crime but before that can happen figure out what you really want. Marriage is hard work and requires a lot of give and take and there will be fights and arguments. Don’t jump to the he’s “controlling” or “maybe this is a mistake” conclusions so quickly, instead have a civil discussion using a collaborative tone with him without mentioning the words “you’re being controlling” or “I’m considering ending it.” DO NOT use those words they’re relationship ruining comments and will backfire on you very badly. And ending a relationship shouldn’t cross your mind so easily, it should be absolutely last resort. Like I’ve said before and will say it again, girls these days don’t put up with much.
Re: Am I making a mistake?
It’s his shadi too. Besides the shadi issues, what else has changed? This is a not a problem in my opinion. Guys usually don’t care about the wedding stuff but not all guys are like that. Clearly, yours is an exception but this doesn’t mean he is WRONG or mean. He wants it a certain way and there is nothing wrong with that. Meet him halfway.
Re: Am I making a mistake?
Very well said brother!
Re: Am I making a mistake?
Welcome to real world of “aap aab pehley jasiey nahi rahey…bohat badal gaeey hain aap”
Re: Am I making a mistake?
He has a right to comment and give his input..
I think it’s quite sweet when guys get involved.. Agree with Theorist about meeting him halfway..
Re: Am I making a mistake?
make sure he respects your family and doesn’t consider them or their choices of a “low” standard.
Re: Am I making a mistake?
Because I’m all about different perspectives, here goes:
Scenario 1: Guy is acting like a demanding diva and throws a fit and yells at his fiancee and her family literally expecting them to cater to his every whim. He doesn’t want a Seiko for salaami, he wants a Rolex. He wants the 5000PKR per head baraat function and not the 1,600PKR per head function. He wants an Armani suit and not an off-the-rack suit.
^ What’s your opinion of such his actions and what is says about him?
Scenario 2: Guy is worried that his fiancee and her family (and in turn his family and him) look “good” in front of the guests (maybe he’s heard snarky remarks about his fiancee and her family and wants to ensure they are respected and so he gives in to the whole dikhava expectations of a wedding, wanting the best because of how it reflects on the families. Unfortunately, this being a cause of stress, instead of asking – he’s yelling, screaming and demanding.
^ What’s your opinion of such a guy and what it says about him?
We being the passive readers, get only half of the story. But, if it was my sister – I’d try to get to the bottom of his behaviour and understand why he’s behaving that way. His motivation and intent are critical.
If he’s Scenario #1](http://www.paklinks.com/gs/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=1) – I would run and run fast!! If he’s a Scenario #2](http://www.paklinks.com/gs/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=2) – he needs to calm down and not yell or scream at his fiancee. If his response to stress is making demands and being verbally abusive – that too does not bode well for the relationship. 5 years or 15 years – no one has the right to behave in such a way, regardless of the stress.
To the OP – you also need to look at your own actions. Have you in any way made same or similar demands (i.e. requesting a 10 tola set (what’s the going rate for bridal jewellery these days?, a separate home and Bunto jora) – sort of before criticizing another’s actions, look at whether your own behaviour may have triggered a resentful/ unreasonable response.
Re: Am I making a mistake?
be different: elope…find an imaam, head for a mosque and do your nikaah right after jummah…then send a pic of the event to all the family via whatsapp while you are sitting on a beach somewhere.
done.
I’m joking of course.
Re: Am I making a mistake?
well okay then.
i don’t think that is my definition of being supportive of your career. what about times when he is hungry for fresh round roti and you are studying for how to kill microbe that make human sick with dysentery. will he make his own roti? coz that would be supportive.
Re: Am I making a mistake?
?? she’s been with the guy for 5 years, this isnt an arranged marriage type of situation where she doesn’t know the guy that well..that’s a long time to judge someone’s character and personality, now comes the time to actually commit and she’s freaking out and having doubts (where were the doubts the last 5 years..), if she still doesn’t know the guy’s character then thats on her for wasting his time and her own time if she is just going to have doubts every time she faces bumps in the road
OP, you’ve been with him for this long, you likely know him the best out of anyone, as long as he’s never physically or constantly verbally abused you in the past 5 years then apni relationship ko nibhao..the grass is NOT greener on the other side, its going to be EXTREMELY difficult at times, you two will have heated arguments and fights, both of you will have to adjust A LOT after marriage until you figure out what works between you two–this is NORMAL.