Re: am i being selfish?
Ah come on Jailbieie, Be more humble and have a joint dhokie its not like she's sharing your husband as well have a good time and in the future reminiscent about it. Wouldn't it be cool you'll have extra people at your dhokie it will be a huge event even though you hate her try not to hate her and just enjoy.
Re: am i being selfish?
Postpone this wedding or a year or till next shadi season. 
Ah come on Jailbieie, Be more humble and have a joint dhokie its not like she's sharing your husband as well have a good time and in the future reminiscent about it. Wouldn't it be cool you'll have extra people at your dhokie it will be a huge event even though you hate her try not to hate her and just enjoy.
Pendo, I understand your point but sometimes its just not right. She already mentioned she and her cousin are compared all the time, can you imagine that happening so close to her wedding day?
Ive been through the comparing cousins and unfortunately it was my cousin who got the bad end of it...she hated me for years because of how others would make her feel next to me. And I knew it so I never hated her back, I knew she had valid reason to not like me. I would just try and make myself scarce around her parents. The blame lies on the aunties and uncles who do it but how can someone shut them up?
I think for the betterment of everyone involved...keep your functions separate.
Ah come on Jailbieie, Be more humble and have a joint dhokie its not like she's sharing your husband as well have a good time and in the future reminiscent about it. Wouldn't it be cool you'll have extra people at your dhokie it will be a huge event even though you hate her try not to hate her and just enjoy.
Pendu, it's a noble suggestion on your part. And I know that a few girls would be open to a joint-dholki......but many would want their dholki to be separate and special like all the other celebratory days. It's a girl thing, hard for guys to understand. And especially when there's no obligation to share it with someone else.....she shouldn't have to. There's nothing wrong with your special day just being yours.
Pendo, I understand your point but sometimes its just not right. She already mentioned she and her cousin are compared all the time, can you imagine that happening so close to her wedding day?
Ive been through the comparing cousins and unfortunately it was my cousin who got the bad end of it...she hated me for years because of how others would make her feel next to me. And I knew it so I never hated her back, I knew she had valid reason to not like me. I would just try and make myself scarce around her parents. The blame lies on the aunties and uncles who do it but how can someone shut them up?
I think for the betterment of everyone involved...keep your functions separate.
I know this is hard for her but not every one gets to have joint dholkies, I mean it could be a special thing in the end? People would praise her for her courage of not being selfish and actually coming out with a joint party. But if she doesn't want it she has the right to object.
Pendu, it's a noble suggestion on your part. And I know that a few girls would be open to a joint-dholki......but many would want their dholki to be separate and special like all the other celebratory days. It's a girl thing, hard for guys to understand. And especially when there's no obligation to share it with someone else.....she shouldn't have to. There's nothing wrong with your special day just being yours.
You're right but i think if this is her wedding she should start it by being humble? :) i mean if she is selfless maybe God will reward her for her bravery and her openness. Forgiving someone and moving on is in our religion as well, even the prophet pardoned his conspirators. We have too much hatred going on in our culture. Hate this, hate that, i mean all the aunties get together in one room and they gossip about which girl is banging her college friends and stuff. Well if you dont want it its still ok but have some heart.
You're right but i think if this is her wedding she should start it by being humble? :) i mean if she is selfless maybe God will reward her for her bravery and her openness. Forgiving someone and moving on is in our religion as well, even the prophet pardoned his conspirators. We have too much hatred going on in our culture. Hate this, hate that, i mean all the aunties get together in one room and they gossip about which girl is banging her college friends and stuff. Well if you dont want it its still ok but have some heart.
Pendu, the issue here is not pardoning. The cousin has not asked Jalebi for forgiveness. She has asked Jalebi to do a joint-dholki. And Jalebi mentioned that the main purpose is to reduce the cost. Separate event cost greater than joint events.
Jalebi told the cousin that she didn't want a joint-dholki......and the cousin persisted. There's no gunnah for people to have separate events. Also, even in Islam....it is said that if you go to visit someone.....and if you can tell that the host is in a bad mood....or in no mood to invite you inside.....you shouldn't burden or impose upon him. This is how I look at it. If someone's heart is not into something......then why continue imposing, pressurizing the person? It's not right. It's no sin to refuse a dholki.....but it IS considered tactless/disrespectful for someone to ignore your wishes as if they didn't hear you or chose not to hear you.
Re: am i being selfish?
^ Yeah thats fine. Ok so she shouldn't held a joint dhokie with her cousin but at least she can forgive her and not hold a grudge.
Re: am i being selfish?
^ I guess. I don't know if she's still holding a grudge....only Jalebi would know how she feels toward her cousin. However, I know from personal experience that if one has hurt you multiple times........although you may not hold a grudge.......you do naturally become wary of the person. And when you become wary of someone.......you can STILL be respectful to them.......but at the same time you choose to maintain a distance for your own safety.
Re: am i being selfish?
Who even cares about dholkis? Aren't you supposed to just go have fun and people just sing songs and eat and go home. It's not a formal affair where you will have a photo session or people coming to give you presents/money etc etc - so why does it matter if the two cousins hold a joint one? It sounds like mighty fun, if you ask me.
Re: am i being selfish?
^ lol yeah i was kinda thinking the same. But hey some people just hate each other.
Re: am i being selfish?
one thing i'm thinking since the cousin n uncle (her dad) wants it this way n jalebi's parents hav already agreed to it now backing off might distant the elders too. u know these things r sensitive issues esp when wedding stress is in the air. so my suggestion is to talk to parents n they talk to this uncle. if everything goes smooth n both parties happily agree( which i doubt since it will put more financial burden on the uncle) then go ahead. otherwise just be compromising. dont turn a moment of joy into an arguement.
rest for the first time i totally agree with Pendo. be sensitive to ur needs as well other's around u esp ur family's needs.
there's no need to b thinking that we'll b compared n cousin will look better. just b confident that u'll look equally or may b more attractive, hav as much fun as u can.
a cousin of mine is getting married at the same time as me. things are wierd because i feel like she's always been in competition with me. we were closer as children, but things got wierd after her brother became obsessed with me. little incidents have occurred over the years which made me feel like she was harboring ill will towards me, and only recently has she started being sugary sweet to me.
now she keeps mentioning that we should have a joint dholki and i'm really uncomfortable with the idea, first of all, because I am not close to her and secondly because I dont feel like sharing the limelight since every bride just gets a few days.
its to the point where i would rather not have a dholki at all rather than share a stage with her. am i being selfish about this?
This is the defination of being selfish. Now I can't say if it is right or wrong beacuse we humans are selfish.
Re: am i being selfish?
I can understand consistent and chronic selfishness. That would be a problem and huge turn-off. BUT...in life...you have to be selfish at times about things that matter to you. Otherwise you can risk people walking all over you to fulfill their own needs at your expense.
Re: am i being selfish?
dholki is no big deal. It's just mostly about entertaining the bride, so others sing and dance and enjoy food... that's all!
In dholki a bride is not the center of attention anyways. The entertainers are.
so whatchya worried about?
Wouldn't it be cool you'll have extra people at your dhokie it will be a huge event even though you hate her try not to hate her and just enjoy.
I don't know if its just my family in Pakistan that thinks more people=more happiness, but I would rather have 5 people attend that were truly happy for me than have 500 people that I don't know and who could care less about my future. your advice really is sweet McPendo, but its just that being around her makes me stress out.
I followed your advice and talked to my parents, and they agreed with me. PSquared hit it on the nail...the issue is I would rather avoid comparison at any cost, and it makes me wary that she wants a joint event with me when we aren't close and in the past, she has done rude things to me, including talking about me behind me back, ruining clothes that I paid her to get stitched, and when i told her the colors I was wearing to my cousin's wedding, she copied me and got all the same colors.
i just dont get how in the world she thinks it would be appropriate? even when i was pakistan, she would say "yeah we've always grown up together" as if by saying that, she's somehow erasing how much she's hurt me in the past. we used to be close as little kids, but like i said, all of that changed.
It's not her parents paying, so cost shouldn't be an issue with her.
It's no sin to refuse a dholki.....but it IS considered tactless/disrespectful for someone to ignore your wishes as if they didn't hear you or chose not to hear you.
you're the best...your words make me feel like someone understands me
This is the defination of being selfish. Now I can't say if it is right or wrong beacuse we humans are selfish.
I agree bebo, I am being selfish :( but i feel like worse things will happen if i allow a joint dholki to occur! people will compare us and the people in our family who have favored her my whole life will only give her attention (and be justified in doing so) to the point of totally ignoring me, which will make me feel alienated at an event meant to make me feel happy.
its like since i was a teenager, we've been compared. things dont add up with her engagement...before i got engaged, her mother bragged that she had gotten a few rishtas after a wedding. then just 3 weeks after my engagement, she quickly got her engaged and said "oh yeah that rishta i told you about, it bugs me when people rush us so we didn't get her engaged to them" and instead, she chose a family which also gave a rishta at that wedding. it doesn't quite add up, to say one family rushed you, and you got that rishta and this one at the same time, and get your daughter engaged just 2 months after you got the rishta...what could be more rushed than that? (i have a feeling its not arranged, and maybe thats why her mom did it this way)
its wierd that she keeps repeating that we got engaged at the same time and when she called me to congratulate me on my engagement, she even said "we're so close that we're the same weight, inch to inch" IM NOT KIDDING YOU (we ARENT the same size!)
so whatchya worried about?
she wants us to walk in at the same time, wear the same outfits, and everything! like truth be told, its not even just about sharing a day with someone, i wouldnt ever mind if it was someone i was close to....but the thought of sharing it with someone that I have this awfully strained relationship makes my head spin.
she wants us to walk in at the same time, wear the same outfits, and everything! like truth be told, its not even just about sharing a day with someone, i wouldnt ever mind if it was someone i was close to....but the thought of sharing it with someone that I have this awfully strained relationship makes my head spin.
Then drop her like hot potatoe!
No bride should be feeling this tensed.
You plan your stuff, just don't tell her. Then once planning, date, invites all are done, then just "pass" the message to her that so and so day will be your dholki....WITHOUT any considerations of her thinking on a joint event.
If she mentions anything, then say, well this is how things got planned out... then cut the conversation, and run...... lol
Re: am i being selfish?
seriously, ur parents are paying how can she even think to make it her function as well. she is a future weird auntie.
Re: am i being selfish?
Okay, this girl is weird...just plain weird. Who wants to walk in wearing the same outfit and all that??? Hello cheesiness!!!
Whatever happens, you will not have a joint dholki...make up your mind and make it happen. Seriously, it seems to me she will just use this event as an excuse to boost her ego and make herself feel good next to you. Thats it.