am i being selfish?

Lifestyle Relationships
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a cousin of mine is getting married at the same time as me. things are wierd because i feel like she’s always been in competition with me. we were closer as children, but things got wierd after her brother became obsessed with me. little incidents have occurred over the years which made me feel like she was harboring ill will towards me, and only recently has she started being sugary sweet to me.

now she keeps mentioning that we should have a joint dholki and i’m really uncomfortable with the idea, first of all, because I am not close to her and secondly because I dont feel like sharing the limelight since every bride just gets a few days.

its to the point where i would rather not have a dholki at all rather than share a stage with her. am i being selfish about this?

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Re: am i being selfish?

its just a dholki, not ur wedding ceremony. i think its just u don't like her otherwise i would think it will b fun to hav a shared dholki n u will still hav ur own limelight. haan wedding n valima i would prefer alone.

Timepass - November 2013
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Re: am i being selfish?

I think you should do what you want. I mean these days are the brides days which she should enjoy. And afterall this doesnt happen more than once in a lifetime so if you feel that you won't be happy or have fun then just talk to your friend about it. I personally would like to have it alone unless the friend very close to me like a best friend. Good luck :)

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Re: am i being selfish?

nah u should tell her straight that u would like to have a separate dholki:phati: so u can enjoy on hers and she can enjoy at youra

Timepass - November 2013
Timepass - November 2013
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Re: am i being selfish?

If you're not happy about it you may as well have a separate dholki or whatever

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Re: am i being selfish?

I don't know if your being selfish, but I do know that your friend is being generous, and honeslty the joint dholki idea does sound a lot funner. This is a dholki, not a mehndei, rukhsati, or valima. And this is perhaps one of many dholki's.

In the end, the choice is yours . Although I would have to say you may want to evaluate your feelings towards her- is it really just wanting to be the center of attention? or is it that today you're the one harboring ill feelings? or is it jeolousy? If you have EVEN the SLIGHTEST reason too think that it could be the latter too, then I think you should accept her offer for YOURSELF, - SImply to burn those feelings away.

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Re: am i being selfish?

I dont think you're being selfish. As a bride, you only get these moments once in your lifetime, Inshallah. You shouldnt have to feel bad about having the limelight because IT IS YOUR limelight. It IS all about you right now. Do what you want to do GUILT-FREE (without hurting others of course).

The only reasons I can think of as to why she must want a joint dholki are:

She is trying to make an effort to be close to you.

She may feel sharing expenses can help.

If you like her and want to mend your relationship, you can consider the joint dholki. But dont feel you have to or it would be wrong of you if you didnt.

You're the bride and this is your stage. You get to choose whose on it and whose not.

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Hey Jalebi,

I've highlighted in red the above comments from your post. No, sweetheart, you're not being selfish. Very few brides would want to share the limelight with another bride. And for the few who are able to do so.....well that's their own personal choice. There is much stress involved in the various wedding ceremonies.......and you deserve to feel like a queen on the various wedding celebrations (dholki all the way to valima). The wedding day is mostly about the bride........hence the song, "Here comes the BRIDE." It's not "Here comes the Groom"........and it certainly isn't, "Here comes the brides (in plural)." It is your special day/s.........you are the star.....let it be about you. If you're receiving parental pressure on sharing the dholki with your cousin........then try to convince your parents that you prefer to have it separate.

It's possible that she wants to share her dholki with you...to split the cost maybe? So that it's not expensive? When two families of two brides...who are related.....are conducting a celebration on the same day......there's less to do and less to pay. That might be a motive....although I'm not positive. Because if her intention is to become "closer" to you......then she has many other DAYS and WAYS to accomplish this.....not necessarily through joint-dholki. Know what I mean? She can make the attempt to "bond" with you in other ways as well......besides "joint-dholki".

**
TRUST YOUR INTUITION!** If this girl has treated you wrong in the past so many times........you have every right to be wary and suspicious of her. If you don't get a good vibe, don't go with it. Better to be safe than sorry. And once again, you're not being selfish. You're just being a bride like majority of the other brides. You're not obligated to share your dholki with her....especially after her rude behavior toward you. If you don't trust her....don't go with it. I repeat....better safe than sorry.

You're not obligated to like your cousin. You can respect others without loving them. And you can reject offers respectfully as well. That doesn't make you a bad person. Yes, there are two sides to a story.........but since you've already mentioned in your post that your cousin is competitive and that she hasn't treated you nicely in the past........I don't blame you for wanting to be cautious and having your reservations toward her. It's hard to trust someone who doesn't respect you.

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Re: am i being selfish?

separate dholkiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii, dats sooooo simple

nomore pondering

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Re: am i being selfish?

^ I've never been to a joint dholkie before? Is it like a Mehndi function?

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Re: am i being selfish?

Ok honestly, i would think it wierd to have a joint dholki with another bride. InshaAllah she has good intentions but just gently say no.

Why was Akbar successful in ruling India?
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Re: am i being selfish?

I wouldn't want a joint dholki either, selfish or not.

Kryolan Stick Foundation
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Re: am i being selfish?

from a wedding POV, a joint dholki should'nt make much difference

from a family perspective, tell ehr to get her own thing.

Then again maybe this is her genuine attempt to make things better between you. Since a dholki is really an informal event..its not even a mayoun, so why not?

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Re: am i being selfish?

nope u are not being selfish. if you are not comfortable then dont go for it.

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Re: am i being selfish?

I'd say do your own dholki. Like you said, you don't have to share the limelight, and these special moments will never come again, rather they pass by so fast! I agree with keet! You cud just politely tell her that ud rather hav fun at the dholki, and when you're also the bride-to-be then u hav to sit back all formally n blah..

Plus, both of u hav different friends/ fiances.. u will then also be sharing the dholki songs (esp the ones where they mention the groom's name) with her n her fiance'.

Ure definitely not being selfish. It's ur wedding. Do what ur heart wants :) Also, u never know with the elders in the family. What if they find this convenient.. eventually they might suggest/ pressurize u to share the mehndi/ shadi n stuff too. I wouldn't do it :)

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Re: am i being selfish?

Jalebi,

I hope you've resolved the matter by now or at least come to some sort of conclusion. There is no rule stating that you absolutely must share your dholki with your cousin.....and that too with a cousin you're not fond of and who is also not too fond of you. There is no commandment that says thou shalt celebrate wedding ceremonies with fellow bride.

It's your special day, make it your own, make it memorable. And try to convince your parents nicely about it if they have brought up the issue. If your cousin asks....just tell her that "I appreciate the offer and I don't have anything personal against you. You're my cousin and I would like for us both to get along and be friends. And I hope that there are no hard feelings but I've already planned for a solo dholki and that's how I've envisioned it. And since we're both brides.....we should have our wedding ceremonies planned the way that we want it to be as these events only come once in your life."

******If your cousin has made the offer to do a joint-dholki as a way to bond.....or as a peace offering......it seems a little odd to me.....considering how she's not fond of you.....and also because she could have found other ways to "bond" with you. She could have offered you to go shopping together. She could have offered to help you with your wedding arrangements. She could have planned to just hang out with you. Know what I mean? Proposing a "joint-dholki" especially when the person doesn't usually enjoy being around you is kind of strange. If she doesn't like being around you during normal regular days.......why is she so interested in sharing the lime-light with you on the dholki? Could it be to split the cost?

Also, if you both have different tastes and styles.....then it could become inconvenient to plan for a joint event together. Conflicts can arise because you want to do things your way and she wants things her way. Plus.....since she's competitive and since she don't like you much.....you never know what people can do. I'm not saying that she'll try to hurt you in any way but it's better to be safe.

**************** If your cousin is a sincere friend.....then she would understand your wishes to have a separate dholki especially if you explain things POLITELY. She should respect your wishes and decisions. And if she gets mad at you not sharing the dholki with her......I'd be** wary **of her and I'd wonder why she can't just have a separate one for herself as well. Do keep us posted.

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Re: am i being selfish?

ALL of you have been so helpful, thank you so so much. Nothing is officially resolved, I mean, its not my dholki or her dholki...I guess I should explain. When I was in Pakistan, my uncle said he would throw me a dholki but my mom insisted that we print invites (which he recommended doing) and pay for decor and food. At that time, I got the impression that it was a dholki just for me, especially since my parents would be paying.

I told the cousin in question when I visited that I didn't want a joint dholki, yet now that I'm back home, she keeps mentioning "for our big dholki, you should do this and this" and its uncomfortable for me to say no AGAIN because if someone told me to my face that they didnt want a joint event with me, I wouldnt even think about pushing it cause that would be insulting to me. I havent agreed to anything either, I just sort of ignore her comments.

Now, the other day, my uncle's daughter said it will be joint if this cousin gets married at the same time as me 'to save money.' (I should mention my uncle's daughter is very close to the cousin getting married at the same time as me) I dont mind not having a dholki at all, but there are severallll reasons I dont want to have a joint one! Everyone in the family already compares us two, I can't imagine a worse set up for this than for us to be sitting side by side dressed up as future brides.

I also can see why someone would think I'm selfish for thinking 'well if its not just for me, then i dont want one at all!' but at the same time, i feel like its selfish of my cousins to not realize that i'm only going to be in pakistan for 2 weeks, will have time for just ONE dholki and if they do this, I'll even have to share that one whereas my cousin lives there and will probably have several dholkis where she gets all the attention. I also don't feel like just because someone is calling it a joint dholki, that I have to go along with it and sit on stage next to her.

gulab jamun, I'm definitely not harbouring jealousy but of course its natural to harbour ill feelings towards someone that has hurt you in the past. Her saying 'oh lets have a joint dholki' won't make that go away.

McPendo, a joint dholki is kind of like a lower key mehndi. You dress up, often they make you sit in the center so you can be the focus of attention and there's singing and dancing.

PSquared, redvelvet and bhenjee you guys were especially helpful :) thanks a ton

so who do I talk to ? my uncle, my cousin? I already told my uncle's daughter at the time that I didn't want a joint event and to just do it for my cousin instead. its still bothering me though :(

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Re: am i being selfish?

Why dont you ask someone who you are close to that is also friendly with the cousin's family to help out? An aunt, uncle, your mom, older cousin, etc...anyone that can help mediate this. If you take it completely upon yourself, you will be ignored because you're a kid to them.

Enlist the help of an elder you can trust and you know will not only support you but help the other side see things from your perspective. Maybe a grandparent?

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Re: am i being selfish?

^ Agree with Psquared.

You'll come off as a whiny kid....although your complaints are completely valid. So....try to talk to your parent first and convince them very nicely that these moments will only come once....and although the dholki is not as a major a day as the shadi or valima....it's still special and that you don't feel comfortable sharing the lime-light with your cousin especially since you and her have had a tense relationship. Now......if your parents are already aware that you girls are not too fond of one another.......I hope that this will help them in supporting you. And maybe your parents will be softened into arranging a separate dholki for you. If not.........then try asking a trusted elder that you know would understand your situation and can speak on your behalf.

So........our doubts about this "joint-dholki" being a cost-saving measure were correct, then. And I'm surprised that your cousin has not backed down. If my cousin didn't want to do a joint-dholki with me......I wouldn't push the topic any further especially if she's made her feelings clear to me. I'd back off and try to have a separate dholki. Anyhow....best wishes.

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Re: am i being selfish?

tell your parents! they have the authority to tell everyone that this is just for our daughter esp since they are paying for it!
and be CLEAR that there wont be a joint dholki