Alot on my plate... need your help

Lifestyle Relationships
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Ok this is sorta long and complicated so please just bear with me and feel free to ask questions if something is unclear cuz theres just way too much to explain/write in this scenario.

So a few years ago I was dating someone, who was the love of my life. Unfortunately he passed away. While still mourning, I was married forcefully… that thing didnt turn out too well… he didnt value me, us, the whole relationship at all. He cheated, wed her, and last I heard ended up divorcing her too. Between then and now i’ve been in numerous relationships and herein lies the problem.

I get into relationships for myself, to make myself feel better, such as for companionship, the thrills, emotional support, attention, love etc. I feel like im lacking alot in life and more often than not a man is what I use to fill that void

I used to be picky… I used to have standards… I’ve disappointed and disgusted myself so many times when coming back to my senses after an emotional breakdown in which I chose complete filth to be my shoulder to lean on… and it scares me sometimes how I throw out my morals and values just to console myself at times…

It’s not that I am trying to be a player and play the field like guys usually do but being in a relationship is a necessity for me…u know how they say it’s better to be alone and happy than be in a relationship and unhappy…well i’m not happy either way..

The guys could be great… but I find myself treating them horribly and I cant seem to figure out why… I do hate myself for it later. As soon as I notice things getting serious or them getting crazy about me, I make a run for it. I feel like i’m cold-hearted…it takes a litle thing to set me off, ill make them suffer and put them through guilt trips… even though I have no intentions of taking the relationship further than just a cheerup…

When I become somewhat emotionally stable and capable of being by myself, i cut teh guy loose no matter how nice and genuine he may be. But I can only stay alone for a few days to a few months, until the next personal crisis comes along.

I feel like I got into a relationship too young in life and never thought that the thing wouldnt work out, thus making my whole life about him that I never got to think what I would do without him… I gave him my heart to keep and now that he’s not here… my heart isnt either… I could meet and be with ten guys but all of them could never equal and amount to the one that I was in love with. I know its unhealthy to compare and even think of all this and be this way but I cant help it. I cant let anyone in… Ive been told its probably cuz I have a fear of losing it all again… but I feel theres much more… I dunno WHAT though… Theres this empty sinking feeling that just never goes.

I know i am emotionally weak…
I KNOW this is not right or normal, but why am i doing thsi? and what can i do now? Im getting married this Friday… again while still mourning the death of my father… not exactly for love or anything similar… but I want to make it work… I wanna be sincere about it and make it the last time I get married again.

I want to get back emotion in my heart for a man..right now when being in a relationship all i feel is anger or lust or dependency… ill get angry at him… even if he cheats… i wont get upset or sad anymore… ill get mad… murderous steam coming out of my ears mad.., Ill lust for a man, Ill need a man… but I cant LOVE a man and let him touch my soul… I need help.

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Re: Alot on my plate... need your help

How long did your first marriage last, out of interest? How old were you when you got married the first time?

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Re: Alot on my plate... need your help

I was 19 when I first got married and it lasted about 2 years....

Wht r u doing ?
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Re: Alot on my plate... need your help

How old are you now, if you don't mind me asking? How long have you known your fiance for?

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Re: Alot on my plate... need your help

Skittlez,

The FIRST thing that you need to realize is that YOU at least have an awareness/ a working conscience that's telling you that what you're doing has become an unhealthy vicious cycle. Some people are don't even have that realization. So you're one step ahead....that is the positive point in this scenario....so use it as motivation to propel yourself forward on the right path. An addiction can't be fought if one doesn't have an awareness.

You've told us that you want to fill this "void" in your life with a man....although he may not always be such a great guy. But.....at the same time....you ALSO say that you tend to "run away" when things start heading toward a commitment. My guess is that you're afraid of something. Is it possible that you're afraid of losing the guy? Or maybe you're afraid that the relationship will end up failing? So........to prevent it from getting to that point.....you run away. Here's an example. A girl likes a guy, but she's so afraid of him rejecting her........that she keeps him at a distance to prevent herself from that pain. She has no guarantee that the relationship will fail (it might even be a success).........but to keep herself from getting hurt........she doesn't commit.

You said that your former love passed away. Death can sometimes make people afraid of forming bonds with others.......they fear getting attached to someone....and then having to lose them. It's not uncommon for those who have lost a loved one to be wary of making strong emotional commitments.

Realize that it takes TWO people to make a relationship work. And it's pointless for you to complain that a relationship didn't go anywhere if you're not going to commit. If you keep this up........the same cycle will just continue. Make a conscious decision to give a relationship your ALL. If you're afraid of getting hurt or being abandoned by the person...........realize that YOU YOURSELF are also hurting the other person by abandoning them in order to protect yourself. So....strange as it sounds....you're inflicting on the other person....what you could be fearing most.

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Re: Alot on my plate... need your help

Ill be 24 in November and my fiance... hmm... less than a year? We live in different states so Ive met him a handful of times but talk to him quite often... couple times each month...

Tum se kehna tha..
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Re: Alot on my plate... need your help

RedVelvet- Wow... you're so right! But whyyy am I this way? Guys and relationships are like toys to me.... I know I shouldnt get involved till im ready to yet I cant keep myself away either... and every guy that Ive been with.... the only lesson I learn from that whole experience/relationship is just how much I still love my first.... even though he's NOT HERE and never will be. I know its retarded to stay in love with him and not be able to commit to anyone else especially when Ive got my whole life ahead of me but I honestly just sometimes sit there with the guy just pointing out all the good traits my first had that this guy is lacking and so on and so forth. Dil kaheen lagta nai hai.

It got so bad that I ended up running to the first guy that I felt almost the same feelings for... the first one that I honestly could connect with on a much deeper level..... but he's married and obviously Im not gonna do anything there. But if I were just one step more selfish God that would've been a bad scenario....

I dont trust myself at all anymore .... I feel like years of therapy couldnt straighten me out, thats how stuck I am in myself.

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Re: Alot on my plate… need your help

:hug:
do you think hes the one who can you become a stronger person? you have already realised what the issue is… matter is, is he strong enough to help you get through this and see what a bright future awaits you?

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Re: Alot on my plate... need your help

Well moving on is easier said than done, but it's not impossible. If you were hopelessly "stuck in yourself", you wouldn't have the realization or desire to improve yourself.

When is the wedding? And for what reasons are you marrying this guy? If you're not sure whether your heart is into this marriage........do you think you might need to take a break to sort things out before deciding to marry this guy? Because if you bail out after the wedding takes place.........it's not only your life you're affecting.....it's also his.

Skittlez, first loves can be unforgettable. And I'm not saying that your first love was not a great guy. Maybe he was. But you don't really "KNOW" someone unless you live with them. You only dated that guy before he passed away. You knew him as a boyfriend. You didn't know him as a husband. You loved him as a boyfriend. But you have no idea if you would have loved him as a husband. Know what I mean? You've read stories on GS of girls who fell in love with a guy........who ends up showing his true colors after marriage. I'm not saying that your former flame would have been like that. But think about it.

Let's assume that you marry you current boyfriend.......and although he may not be perefect (let's face it, nobody is perfect)........what if he turns out to be an amazing husband???? And this is possible if you ALSO contribut to making the marriage work. Let's say that he's a great supportive partner....who takes care of you in so many ways. Could you really compare the contributions of your husband to that of a boyfriend????? They can't be compared, Skittlez.

The Hi/Bye Thread
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Re: Alot on my plate... need your help

SkiTTleZ, dont take my post wrong, but when we chose man over God, this is exact same thing happens. we are left to roam.

here you are not questioning the existence of any man, or just "one man, instead you are questioning the existence of your love.

see you have lost so many ppl. ask that why ALLAH SWT always bring you back to that point zero?

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Great points. (As always.) :)

It does sound like getting married this Friday is too soon! But what if she's getting really nervous RV, as that does happen to a lot of Brides/ Groom's few days before getting married? It all starts to get too much and sometimes you feel like a time bomb ready to explode with all your emotions!

DANCE AND MASTI IS ONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN....!!!! :D :D :D :D :D :D :D
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Re: Alot on my plate... need your help

Skitz

I think you are mentally blocked in a sense of loss ... you never got into properly grieving for your first love , other things took your attention ... that chapter is still not closed ... you are living in your past mentally...

what you have to realize is that your future wont work out unless you let go of the past... unfortunately fate had decided for your relationship to end in a tragic manner , you cant do anything about it but to move on ... keeping him in your heart and best memories is something good.. dont feel guilty about it ... time heals it all ...

The next man that comes into your life has to be someone who is going to be your rock... he wnt be trying to take your first love's place ... he will have his own place in your life ... he will be your present ... and if you give let go of the past and start a new life afresh with him, trust me , love will take over your life and the void will start to go away slowly and steadily ...

Right now , you are not letting the wound heal...the wound is your immense love for your soulmate who passed away... you need to sit back , come to a point where you tell yourself , he is no more. you are on your own. its ok to move on .. that is life ... if it helps I will give you a religious perspective on it as well .. I read somewhere , that when you love someone , lose them , collect your courage and get married honestly living upto a relationship, you get your self the status of a martyr in Islam... Allah is the creator , he knows how hard it is for us to move on after losing a loved one.

but love is the only solution to all your problems ... you need to let someone come close to you , feel their love, you will notice , with time your heart and mind will respond back to that love..

and one more thing , your first love, you are disrespecting him and precious memories by hurting yourself, confusing yourself further ... he would have appreciated that you moved on gracefully and accepted life bravely ... hai na ? do it for him , live your life , kill the insecurity, let love come back in your life , let it take over your mind , body and inshallah your soul will only respond when you are ready ...

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I’ve no idea what thats supposed to mean.. :confused:

RV, great points

Skitz… Inshallah you’ll feel that love again.. maybe your too scared of allowing urself feel that way. Maybe you feel guilty about loving anyone else the same way u did ur first? I dunno… but make dua, relax and let urself be loved… let urself be happy. Forget the past for a bit, and enjoy whats coming ahead..

The Hi/Bye Thread
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I dont get it... really I read it four times and I dont know what you're trying to say. Its my fault my loved ones died... cuz of my choices and decisions? Huh?? God killed them to teach me a lesson? Im sorry but thats stupid.

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Re: Alot on my plate... need your help

Thanks alot for your advice sadz, iggle, CB, and RV... maybe it IS just jitters and everything and just knowing that this is it.... I cant screw this one up... I have to treat this as something other than just a temporary fling or personal pick-me-upper... I've been questioning myself alot about my decisions and mistakes and I have never really come to understand why I am the way I am and how to change but I wanna make sure i go into this thing leaving all this turmoil and self-hate behind.

Everything CB said feels like its right.... I just need to read that once a day to convince myself of it.

I'm gonna sleep on it... these doubts wont go away overnight but its helping ease some of my fears.

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i dont liek to explain in fact i skip explanation part but here you go :bummer:

in the first i mentioned that there were many nations, who chose to disobey God, and then they were left roam, or bhatakna. (until either they were perished, or they ask for forgiveness)

in my second para i mentioned that after losing Love, she is not questioning that whether am i gonna find the exact same kinda person whom i used to love, rather questioning that do i even know what exactly love means.

and m third para comprised of the fact that she is constantly drawn to starting point. i mean she started her love life, and then go back and then starts again and then go back.
it means that she is a constant search, which means that she is in a constant search of her love.
but since her love is only towards the men and the creator of the man and also her heart, which is God…that is why her search is so never ending.

now connect the dots.

now is this making sense?

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Re: Alot on my plate… need your help

a thing i do when im utterly anxious or nervous, is do wazu slowly.. calmly and then pray nafal until i feel better. It’s just to calm the nerves…

find something that helps you… :hug:

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not really zobia

but thanks for trying :slight_smile: maybe its too late in the day for me

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Re: Alot on my plate... need your help

The only answer to your problem is complete and total independance.

You go after men because without them you dont feel complete and you also seem to be getting back at them in a very subconscious way. You feel the need to use them and give them exactly what you got.

The only way you can truly appreciate who and what you are is by being completely alone, fighting within yourself and not giving in to temptation and learning the real meaning of relationships. There is no void out there you cannot fill yourself...its just the dependancy we get used to. Learn to LOVE yourself...you dont like yourself very much and thats a problem.

MY AV ~*~DEDICATED~*~2 my friends
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Re: Alot on my plate... need your help

Skittlez, all you are going to get here is a heavy dose of pop psychology, when what you need is professional help. Unless your husband-to-be signed up for this , that is , he wouldn't freak out if he read this thread, you will most likely repeat the cycle if you go ahead with this marriage this Friday.