Re: Alot on my plate... need your help
^ I agree you should be on medications or some therapy this is destructive behavior.
Re: Alot on my plate... need your help
Getting professional help is a good idea and nothing to be embrassed about. Go to your GP and he will refer you. Could do you wonders.
Best of luck. :)
Re: Alot on my plate... need your help
Hey how did you make that shaking dog avatar?^^
^ What?! Plz’ for the love of all fluffy kitty’s everywhere tell me you didn’t just insult my sweet, sugary kitty? Its a cat! Not a dog! Big difference! Hehe! 
She shakes cos’ she is listening to music! 
Re: Alot on my plate… need your help
Skitzz, my short and humble advice: Don’t be so hard on yourself. Try to erase as much as you can from your past. Start today, fresh, new, with an open mind and open heart, with a confident spirit and good expectations. There’s always a reason for everything but we know that we cannot know everything. Having said that, know that God doesn’t create junk. You are special and you can make your marriage work. Be happy and strong. Don’t analyze your past so much; work on your present.
Good luck 
Skittlez, all you are going to get here is a heavy dose of pop psychology, when what you need is professional help. Unless your husband-to-be signed up for this , that is , he wouldn't freak out if he read this thread, you will most likely repeat the cycle if you go ahead with this marriage this Friday.
i agree we might just be giving pop advice
im not in any favor of advocating what should be done and what is the cause and all that..
but i think, sometimes just to hear/read kind words from others can be quite uplifting. And who knows, there might be a few 1-2 people who might even decide to make a dua for u.... and that dua goes a long way mate
so yes, we'll try to keep the pop advice to ourselves... but hey, u cant stop anyone from being kind
Re: Alot on my plate... need your help
I think we're all just trying to help in our own ways as much as we possibly can.
The way Ive always measured my own emotional stability is how I am with myself. If I am at a place in my life where I dont mind my own company as well as other peoples'...if I have a healthy social life and my friends are around me...if I am not attached mentally or emotionally to any man...if my family is generally happy with me and things are going well...then Im ready for a relationship and its okay to move forward with someone.
But if I have dependancy issues where I cant seem to stay away from a specific guy or men in general...then I think I would need to spend some time alone to figure out my own value. IMHO...men should NOT COMPLETE you...they should COMPLIMENT you. You are a complete person on your own and until you feel that way, its not a good idea to involve someone else in that drama.
But thats just me and how Ive come to handle my own life.
I do think you should see a professional to help you break down your actions and find out the meaning behind them. There is a reason you do what you do and you wont stop until you've addressed the issues you're battling. So, seeking some sort of counseling is a great idea...stay away from medications unless you have thoughts of suicide or something.
Re: Alot on my plate... need your help
Hi Skittlz
I can relate to what you are going through in a way. The feelings of needing a man to make me feel good about myself that without being in a relationship i am not a whole person and i dont have a full identity, the only way to feel happy is to be wanted, not to be in a settled relationship to to be in the power seat to have someone want you so you are in control of everything and they cant hurt you. The moment things get too serious where you start feeling vunerable you run because yo dont want to get hurt.
I recently broke up with my bf of 3 years, and no its not as bad as passing away, but its still like mourning its like losing an arm or leg, something that has been part of you for a long time.
When i broke up with him, i wanted to play the field, not in a way a guy does but i wanted to be wanted by anyone, i didnt do this because thank god i got help from this forum, my friends and family.
You might be angry that you first love left you. Not angry at him but just angry, angry at life, at your situation. Ita ll part of the mourning process, you might feel other things like denial or depression, and this might be part of what affects your relationships you are not back to you yet.
What you need to is to come to the natural end of your mourning process whenever that is. You need to find acceptance. You are going through a difficult time and its going to be hard.
Getting married will take you out of the cycle of being in relationships but getting married is a big emotion life step in it self.
Do you feel ready?
You need to take some time over you and just you. You need to start again, wake up and begin a new different day. Its going to be hard being newly wed, btw does your fiance know your story?
I think dont be so hard on yourself and take each day as it comes. You dont have to open your heart right away, do it when your ready, but begin working on you. You dont need anyone to make you feel good about yourself. Start finding the old things in you which made you happy, i dont mean other people, but things about you, the good fun lovely things about you. Bring them out slowly but surely.
You might want to seek support from a college/work counsellor?
You want to make this relationship work and yes it is important but the most important thing now is you. Can your new husband support you?
Also maybe you need to find a way to direct your emtions, either journal on here, in diary, paint or draw..anything. Let it all flow out dont bottle things up.
Look after yourself.
Re: Alot on my plate... need your help
Hi Skittlz
I can relate to you to an extent, as the 'love of my life' passed away, so I know exactly what it means to be without the person you planned to spend the rest of your life with. It's not easy any I wouldn't wish it on anyone.
However we both dealt with our losses very differently. I chose to remain single for 4 years, and you felt the need to find a temporary replacement. But I think ultimatley our issues were the same - commitment. I was single as I was far too afraid of losing someone again, of feeling that pain and sense of loss, but also of finding out the the person I did choose to be with might not live up to expectations bulit by the 'love of my live', or worse still would highlight his shortcomings.
However the 4 years provided me with plenty of time to mourn for my loss, accept that he wasn't the one for me, as Allah hadn't planned for us to be together, and to actually realise that as much as we were in love with each other, we were also very different, and if we'd got married we probably would have struggled as we were that different. It was a hard realisation but a true one.
I think the key issue is, you haven't had a chance to mourn properly, to collect your thoughts and find yourself as a person. You say your getting married on Friday, so you don't have the 4 years I did to do all that, but I think the first step for you is acceptance that it REALLY wasn't meant to be. Once you do that you will find peace I promise you. Remember he only wanted your happiness and wuld have wanted you to move on, so if there's guilt on that side let it go. Plus he wouldn't have wanted to be mistreated or, confused, so use that as your strenght to get married and be happy.
It won't be easy, as you do have a long road to walk, but it can be done. You deserve to have a decent life partner, and providing you are able to lay yur ghosts to rest, I'm sure you'll have a happy and fruitful marriage. It's going to be daunting to have someone else be your husband, so see him first as a friend and the rest will follow.
I got married recently and am very happy, so am living proof that you can find your happiness too. Your love for your first love won't diminish but will instead be locked in a very special place in your heart.
Re: Alot on my plate… need your help
I think your pain is so multi-dimensional it’s almost impossible for anyone to fully relate to what you are/have been going through. It is not one death that you have had to grieve for, rather three. It is not just the hurt of someone passing away - but of a failed marrage.
Go and see a qualified Doctor/Therapist. Look into rehab centres. Addiction comes in many forms and emotional addiction is as unhealthy as latching onto a drug or turning to food. Through behavioural therapy you can unlearn destructive habits and the subconsious motivations behind them.
I would strongly urge you to talk to your fiance about your fears and if possible, take the physical stuff very slowly. Try and love him as a friend and as a person and by extention as a husband before you love him as a man.
I wish you all the best. Let us know how you are doing. 
Skittlez I would recommend u see a professional, seems like u still haven't got over ur first lov, and have lost a lot of self respect along the way. U need some time alone to think things through thoroughly, an evaluate ur past if u haven't already done so. Does ur fiance know about ur anxieties? if not mayb its a good idea to talk to him, he will have to be ur biggest rock to help u get over this hard time......
Re: Alot on my plate... need your help
Skittlez ,You need serious professional help. GS cannot help in your case. It is my sincere advice. Please , please , please seek professional help before something serious happens.
:k:
Re: Alot on my plate… need your help
:hinna:
I dont think any sort of help in the world could help me… I’ve BEEN through this all before. I’ve seen 3 separate psychologists, 1 after my divorce, once when I got really depressed and did something extremely retarded, and 1 that was recommended by a good friend of mine. Most of them said I have commitment issues, that im insecure, I havent grieved properly… then the third one asked what my relationship was like with my first and I told her it was a pretty good one… I did take alot of crap from him too at times, like I was very submissive always doing what he wanted sometimes ignoring my own wants and needs and just doing what made him happy, but for the most part I was genuinely happy and very much in love too… and she said maybe I consider it perfect now because everything else afterward was pure garbage but maybe im fooling myself into believing that the first one was perfect too cuz thats all I ever knew… and she thinks that Im trying to be the one in control this time… thats why I use and discard men at whim… I have to admit yeah I do like the power and control over a man especially when in my marriage I had none of that… sometimes I just feel like no man could ever understand me and most times I just dont feel like anyone is worthy of having me around for more than a few days… I dont want to be exclusive for anyone… I dont think anyone is good enough for anything beyond a shoulder to lean on or a timepass activity that makes me happy.
Another thing I noticed about myself is I never did anything like this when I was with my family… for instance when I was living with my father and siblings I would have personal problems, sure, but I never ever searched for answers or support outside my house. It was almost always my father I ran to and if he wasnt there right away, then my brother could make it all better and if I still had that impatient feeling, a phonecall to my mother would usually calm me down. I dont have that anymore. The family is all over the place, my father is up there with the angels… the rock that kept me in check wont be here to help me out anymore and I already feel a baychaini like im gonna spiral out of control again.
Luckily my fiance is a really good friend of mine who has always been there… he knows most of my life story and my demons… not so much my use and abuse pattern but my unhealthy penchant for unloading my emotions on another individual making it their headache and then running away.
I think I’ll take everyone’s advice and still see a professional as soon as I get the chance to.
Thanks everyone.
Re: Alot on my plate... need your help
Wow.. that does sound like a lot.. I would have to agree with hitchki so I am not gonna type another one of the same post again but she is right. Is there any way you can delay the marriage until you feel ready?
I can relate to how you feel about your father. Mine hasn't passed away but he is going to be far away for a few years with very few phone calls and its tearing me up inside that we might never be the same again( i will probably be married and living with my husband by the time he is back). I know "chatting" and typing isn't much comfort but if you ever need to talk or need a virtual shoulder to cry on, I am always here and you can't use me and abuse me cuz im a girl ;)
Have you tried salat? Have you tried reading the Quran with tafseer? I know for a fact that a lot of people find peace and purpose when they read it and follow it with heart. I know that in my difficult times, Quran is the only thng that holds me together.
Anyways, I will pray for you. InshAllah your marriage will be a strong long and happy one. And may Allah shower you with His blessings, may you find the hapiness and peace that you have been searching for and find a lifelong friend and a soulmate in your husband.
Talk to your finace about your fears, and whatever is in your mind. I am sure Allah(swt) has something good planned for you. You just need to give it a shot. Just forget about all the past, ur ex husband, ex bf’s, Start fresh. Pretend you are just born, make this a new life and give it your best. Yes the guy you loved will always have you thoughts, but you have to accept that you cannot live with the memories and move forward. May Allah(swt) give him a place in jannah and pray for him. Life has its twists and turns, good and bad, and we all have to go through them, but you dont have to live with them all your life. We all are praying for you. Our best wishes are with you so dont you worry. Have faith.
Re: Alot on my plate... need your help
skittz ......................... the issues u have ................ r painful ..
ppl cant tell u how 2 get outta it n start being incharge of ur emotions , ur actions n their consequences.
only u know how u can do it .and u will do it eventually .
Since you have seen a psychologist , now see a psychiatrist . Your problem seems a combination of both. Only a professional psychiatrist can make a determination if you need a treatment.
It is good time to see him/her as you are emotionally stable at this point of time and you can communicate to him/her properly. May Allah rid you of all your demons . Ameen.